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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that DW's behaving irrationally and unfairly?

365 replies

VogelVogel · 26/05/2017 20:43

From time to time we have disagreement and she storms off. She says she doesn't like confrontation as her parents fought during her childhood so she uses these avoidance tactics and is hypersensitive to the smallest of criticisms.

We have been NC with my parents who live locally to us-I will admit they have not treated my wife well in the past. A big clash of cultures and understanding was to blame in many instances but unlike me DW finds it incredibly hard to forgive and forget and even the smallest thing would get blown out of all proportion. My parents have made no secret of the fact that they didn't accept DW and neither attended our wedding and she will not back down and claims to have been "conditioned" by all of us. fact.

My parents are very socially awkward, speak their minds and they are snobs but they are not bad people.

We've had nothing to do with my parents for the last 6 years now after DW intercepted an email written about her which wasn't very complimentary.

I was most upset to see that my father is suffering from ill health now and putting my mother under much stress. They both turned up at the house unannounced and we were not in during my son's birthday last month -all they wanted to do was to see my son. My wife found this out from by brother (who was indiscreet and joked with DW that our mother probably was after a carer for my dad) and my wife went mad. She went on a epic rant about calling the police if they were to dare turn up again -and she didn't speak to me for a week.

I feel now that my parents are frail and elderly they need a supportive family around them. They're not perfect but they're the only parents I have-they mean well and don't have the most sophisticated sense of humour but they're not malicious.

AIBU to tell her I'm going to take the DC and start up regular contact with them again?

I'm not sure I could cope with any more moods. In the past I've looked elsewhere for emotional support and can see that happening again Sad if she doesn't change.

OP posts:
shesnotme · 26/05/2017 20:45

They have treated your wife appaling.

stitchglitched · 26/05/2017 20:47

Sounds like you're setting it up to be your wife's fault when you have an affair tbh.

Original poster
VogelVogel · 26/05/2017 20:47

But I'm still married to her and I still went ahead and married my wife despite their misgivings! I supported her- in my family's culture the eldest son looks after the parents and this was unheard of.

OP posts:
witsender · 26/05/2017 20:48

I'm not sure tbh, sounds like they have treated her really badly. How do you expect her to feel? I'm also not convinced that they are good people.

Original poster
VogelVogel · 26/05/2017 20:48

Stitch-

You could live with treading on eggshells constantly?

OP posts:
SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 26/05/2017 20:49

So, your parents are vile to her, you think she should forgive them, and you have 'looked elsewhere' and are considering doing it again because she won't tolerate their twattishness? And you want us to agree with you? Ooookaaaaay. Angry

patronsaintofglocks · 26/05/2017 20:49

You're just as bad as them. Go home to your parents.

witsender · 26/05/2017 20:50

Missed the bit about "looking for emotional support elsewhere". I'm not overly surprised that your wife struggles with you.

RebootYourEngine · 26/05/2017 20:50

I would be pissed off if i was your wife. Why would you want your children to be around these horrible people?

I think your brother was correct and all your parents want is someone to do the carer job. Ask yourself what have they done for you, your wife, your dc? I bet the answer is 'not very much'

DJBaggySmalls · 26/05/2017 20:50

You married her despite your parents objections. They have carried on undermining her and you let them. The rest of your family join in as well.
Then you look for emotional support elsewhere and blame her for that as well.

It sounds like you have already made your choice.

Original poster
VogelVogel · 26/05/2017 20:51

My wife is no pushover. She has said some appalling things to my parents.
She has stopped the DC from visiting them weekly-which has left them devastated. They are still my parents.

OP posts:
PickAChew · 26/05/2017 20:51

Ywnbu to resume contact with your parents but don't expect your dw to want anything to do with them.

Original poster
VogelVogel · 26/05/2017 20:53

Reboot
You are very wrong in your assumption.

My mother offered to have our did when she was born so that she could return to work as aoona s possible. Dw refused point blank and threw the offer in her face.

My parents offered to pay the deposit on our home.

They have tried many times.

OP posts:
AdalindSchade · 26/05/2017 20:54

You shouldn't have married her if you couldn't cope with the inevitable rift that would be caused by your parents' unacceptable behaviour. You have walked into this situation and now you have to deal with it!
You have every right to see your parents and support them as far as possible but you do not have a right to insist the children see them. Your parents are awful to/about their mother. You have no right to insist she allows her children to be exposed to people who can't stand her (for no reason?)

2014newme · 26/05/2017 20:55

If they hadn't treated your wife like shit they wouldn't have this problem.
Problem is of their making.
You've been shagging other women that won't help
Sounds like she's better off without all of you!

Original poster
VogelVogel · 26/05/2017 20:55

I love my wife. I had many opportunities to leave and I chose freely to stay. I cannot bear the lack of joy and that she's angry all the time.

OP posts:
RebootYourEngine · 26/05/2017 20:56

Being your parents doesnt mean anything.

Lineyy · 26/05/2017 20:56

Poor woman.

stitchglitched · 26/05/2017 20:57

If your parents were genuine about making amends they wouldn't have just turned up uninvited to see your child after 6 years without contact. How selfish and disruptive of them.

Original poster
VogelVogel · 26/05/2017 20:57

Reboot
What do you mean?

OP posts:
AlmostAJillSandwich · 26/05/2017 20:57

You're being unreasonable to tell your wife you're taking the Dc to your parents and cultivating a relationship between them unless she is agreeable, but you are not unreasonable to choose to see your parents yourself.

She was way over reacting suggesting to call the police and her not talking to you for a week is not just unreasonable but abusive, but that is a separate issue.

The children are as much her children as yours, and you need to make decisions together about who they have in their lives. If one of you doesn't want a specific person/people in their lives, you both have to respect that, and she's got adamn good reason for not wanting your parents involved in her or her child/childrens lives.
I think you are to some degree minimising what your parents have done to your wife and the way they have treated her, and are making excuses for them by making statements like "they aren't bad people, it wasn't malicious" etc. Sending an email slagging someone off IS malicious, there's no two ways about it. As for not coming to your wedding because they didn't approve of you marrying her, that is disgraceful and a slight i can't imagine anyone in your wifes shoes would ever forgive, to expect her to forgive or forget that is unreasonable of you. You aren't being very supportive of her or her feelings with regard to your parents treatment of her.

If you want to go back to having contact with your parents that is your choice, but you cannot take the children with you without your wifes permission. You will also need her permission to invite them to your home, so you should visit them not them visit you. It does sound though, like your mum is only making an effort to get in contact because she DOES want you to take some responsibility to care for your father. If you choose to do this, it shouldnt be at the inconvenience of your wife or children.

Original poster
VogelVogel · 26/05/2017 20:58

Stitch they were desperate. They assumed the hiatus would be temporary like all the other times there were disagreements.

OP posts:
RebootYourEngine · 26/05/2017 20:58

How soon after giving birth did your parents make that offer?

Original poster
VogelVogel · 26/05/2017 20:58

Where do I say I shagged other women? I haven't.

OP posts:
MrsDustyBusty · 26/05/2017 20:58

If you want to leave, you don't need permission from us. But your parents have behaved appallingly. Your wife does not need to be grateful to you for marrying her. You've had an affair and are considering another. You haven't a kind words to say about the mother of your child.