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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that DW's behaving irrationally and unfairly?

365 replies

VogelVogel · 26/05/2017 20:43

From time to time we have disagreement and she storms off. She says she doesn't like confrontation as her parents fought during her childhood so she uses these avoidance tactics and is hypersensitive to the smallest of criticisms.

We have been NC with my parents who live locally to us-I will admit they have not treated my wife well in the past. A big clash of cultures and understanding was to blame in many instances but unlike me DW finds it incredibly hard to forgive and forget and even the smallest thing would get blown out of all proportion. My parents have made no secret of the fact that they didn't accept DW and neither attended our wedding and she will not back down and claims to have been "conditioned" by all of us. fact.

My parents are very socially awkward, speak their minds and they are snobs but they are not bad people.

We've had nothing to do with my parents for the last 6 years now after DW intercepted an email written about her which wasn't very complimentary.

I was most upset to see that my father is suffering from ill health now and putting my mother under much stress. They both turned up at the house unannounced and we were not in during my son's birthday last month -all they wanted to do was to see my son. My wife found this out from by brother (who was indiscreet and joked with DW that our mother probably was after a carer for my dad) and my wife went mad. She went on a epic rant about calling the police if they were to dare turn up again -and she didn't speak to me for a week.

I feel now that my parents are frail and elderly they need a supportive family around them. They're not perfect but they're the only parents I have-they mean well and don't have the most sophisticated sense of humour but they're not malicious.

AIBU to tell her I'm going to take the DC and start up regular contact with them again?

I'm not sure I could cope with any more moods. In the past I've looked elsewhere for emotional support and can see that happening again Sad if she doesn't change.

OP posts:
MingeFog · 26/05/2017 21:47

Another one!!!

OP: is my wife being unreasonable?
everyone: NO!!! you are! your parents are!
OP: but-
everyone: NO!!!
but-

etc etc etc.

Lunde · 26/05/2017 21:48

Because of the way your parents have behaved your wife never wants to see them again. I doubt that this will change

VogelVogel · 26/05/2017 21:48

Thank you saraSue.

OP posts:
HorridHenryrule · 26/05/2017 21:48

You have to talk to your dp first before any contact with the children. They have to prove to you that they won't upset them by slagging of their mother. You have to show them you're no push over.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 26/05/2017 21:48

Suck it up. Your parents have been shit, so either you see them and take the shit like a good boy or dont. Actions have consequences and not seeing the children is theirs.

ollieplimsoles · 26/05/2017 21:48

It's natural for a grandparent to want to see their grandchildren.

Your parents have no rights over the dc thank fuck so it really doesn't matter what they want. They sound awful.

RebootYourEngine · 26/05/2017 21:49

I have just re-read one of your posts and i just want to bang my head off of a wall.

Your parents joke to other people about the paternity of your dc and you are ok about this? Confused

No actually i want to bang your head off of a wall.

CheshireChat · 26/05/2017 21:49

You know you don't need an excuse to divorce your wife right? If you're unhappy (and you are), she sounds unhappy as well, then that might be the best option regardless of who is right or wrong.

If you'd like to continue with your marriage, then something like Relate would be a good idea.

However, you'll probably have to choose between your parents or your wife and you need to be damn sure what you want because it's the worst of both worlds right now.

FWIW, my PIL never accepted me as I'm not English, not particularly meek and worst thing, I took DP who they were treating like a cash cow Hmm. Ultimately things blew over and we have no contact with them and surprisingly, DP is happier for it as being piggy in the middle is fun for no one. But if my DP had taken your stance, then we'd have separated a looong time ago.

Quartz2208 · 26/05/2017 21:49

Do you really lack the emotional intelligence to seek it from your wife's perspective. To understand why she doesn't want them to see your children although she is fine with you. Perhaps she stays in the marriage to safeguard that.

At the very least your family are abusive to you and her leading you to be unintentionally abusive at worst you just are abusive

Squishedstrawberry4 · 26/05/2017 21:50

Vog- what do you mean she threw the offer of childcar into their face? How? It's perfectly reasonable to want to make your own childcare arrangements.

witsender · 26/05/2017 21:50

I have no sympathy, all the Sad faces in the world are not making you come across any better. Your wife is not stopping you seeing them. She is (rightly, to my.mind) stopping the kids see them because the grandparents cannot be trusted to not abuse her to them. They questioned paternity and that is reasonable? Called her a gold digger? If you are not strong enough to stand up to them and explain why you are seeing them on your own that is your problem and not hers.

WappersReturns · 26/05/2017 21:51

Let them be upset. It natural for grandparents to want to see grandchildren, but they haven't behaved in a way that makes that possible. It's natural for a mother to protect her children from having poison dripped in their ears about their parents.

If your parents really loved your children they wouldn't have behaved so very appallingly to their mother. They made their beds, now either tuck them in or lie in it with them. Either way your wife deserves better.

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 26/05/2017 21:51

Emotional emptiness at home? Maybe because you minimise the behaviour of your horrible parents and go off whining to other women when your wife stands up for herself.

Grow up.

roundaboutthetown · 26/05/2017 21:51

Would you say your parents have been both racist and offensive towards your dw's culture, OP?

jouu · 26/05/2017 21:51

they have tried many times to make amends but my wife will not budge.

if someone threatened to KIDNAP MY DC, no amount of "making amends" would make me "budge". Jesus wept...

You yourself keep saying that's just how they are, they can't change etc., why on EARTH would your DW think anything else? You call her irrational, it's blatantly you who are unable to think in a straight line about this...

Allthebestnamesareused · 26/05/2017 21:51

They may pay lip service to making amends but then they say something else equally if not more repulsive about your wife. Surely in your culture you respect your wife too!

Turning up unannounced is not trying to make amends - it is trying to be in control and force your DW to be in a situation she does not want to be in.

Heathen4Hire · 26/05/2017 21:52

OP has come on here for advice and because the majority of MNers have taken his DWs side HE cannot accept it.

So the point of you starting the thread was, what? Validation?

Pollyanna9 · 26/05/2017 21:53

Carry on as you are OP, secure in the (very misplaced) knowledge that you are doing your DW a massive favour by deigning to stay with her.

Look forward to that divorce and see how much you see your DC after that, let alone your parents.

You are deluded and thick-headed to the extent that you have now six pages of everyone telling you the same thing and you refuse to believe it just whining about how bad your lot is. What an absolutely idiotic gormless way to behave.

Still, you'll be alone soon and surely that will be better, right?

VogelVogel · 26/05/2017 21:53

I completely backed my DW with regards to the e mails as none of it was true. DM was really depressed at the time which is no excuse . I told them that the content we'd seen it was deluded and lies and I'd not put up with it. That was 6 years ago. I supported my wife.

OP posts:
Sarasue1967 · 26/05/2017 21:54

OP just console yourself with the blessing that you're not married to one of these sour old harridans

Allthebestnamesareused · 26/05/2017 21:54

Sarasue - I am hoping beyond hope that you made your comment without having read the thread! Shock

MrsDustyBusty · 26/05/2017 21:54

It's now a series of emails...

MADEinLONDON · 26/05/2017 21:55

Trip trap! 😂

MADEinLONDON · 26/05/2017 21:55

Having a boring Friday OP?! 🙄

Allthebestnamesareused · 26/05/2017 21:55

"That was 6 years ago"

yes and she still needs your continued support without you begrudging it!

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