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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that DW's behaving irrationally and unfairly?

365 replies

VogelVogel · 26/05/2017 20:43

From time to time we have disagreement and she storms off. She says she doesn't like confrontation as her parents fought during her childhood so she uses these avoidance tactics and is hypersensitive to the smallest of criticisms.

We have been NC with my parents who live locally to us-I will admit they have not treated my wife well in the past. A big clash of cultures and understanding was to blame in many instances but unlike me DW finds it incredibly hard to forgive and forget and even the smallest thing would get blown out of all proportion. My parents have made no secret of the fact that they didn't accept DW and neither attended our wedding and she will not back down and claims to have been "conditioned" by all of us. fact.

My parents are very socially awkward, speak their minds and they are snobs but they are not bad people.

We've had nothing to do with my parents for the last 6 years now after DW intercepted an email written about her which wasn't very complimentary.

I was most upset to see that my father is suffering from ill health now and putting my mother under much stress. They both turned up at the house unannounced and we were not in during my son's birthday last month -all they wanted to do was to see my son. My wife found this out from by brother (who was indiscreet and joked with DW that our mother probably was after a carer for my dad) and my wife went mad. She went on a epic rant about calling the police if they were to dare turn up again -and she didn't speak to me for a week.

I feel now that my parents are frail and elderly they need a supportive family around them. They're not perfect but they're the only parents I have-they mean well and don't have the most sophisticated sense of humour but they're not malicious.

AIBU to tell her I'm going to take the DC and start up regular contact with them again?

I'm not sure I could cope with any more moods. In the past I've looked elsewhere for emotional support and can see that happening again Sad if she doesn't change.

OP posts:
WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 26/05/2017 21:20

I do have my wife's back-I've stayed with her through all of it.

Except for the times you were seeking emotional support elsewhere Hmm

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 26/05/2017 21:21

But did you actually support her? Not staying as a favour to her, but actually support her emotional needs?

ollieplimsoles · 26/05/2017 21:21

I have worked very hard for my family and made so many sacrifices including giving up contact with my parents

Christ you are not getting it. You should have the conviction to realise they treated the mother of your children like shit and they deserve to be frozen out, you cant behaved like that!
You make it sound like your wife should be grateful that you 'chose' her!

Original poster
VogelVogel · 26/05/2017 21:22

My wife has many friends and her family who do not accept my family. I don't have that support.

I literally work all hours then come home. I'm exhausted from the constant juggling trying to now manage my guilt at not seeing my parents and the emotional emptiness at home SadSad

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 26/05/2017 21:22

You make out like you have done your wife some kind of favour by staying with her. That's what you are supposed to do you know, only more supportively and without cheating.

stitchglitched · 26/05/2017 21:23

Well your family didn't accept your wife or turn up to your wedding. Your wife's friends and family, who care about her, are hardly going to be their biggest fans.

ollieplimsoles · 26/05/2017 21:24

Boo hoo.
Go and see your parents!
Just don't think you can take the dc with you, I wouldn't allow it in a million years.

This is in no way meant to be disrespectful, but what do you mean there are 'cultural clashes' what culture are your parents/ dw from?

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 26/05/2017 21:24

You do realise she is probably depressed. Husband who stands back and lets her be treated like shit, no support and to top it all off, husband goes sniffing elsewhere.

BloodWorries · 26/05/2017 21:24

Do your wife a favour and leave her. You sound horrible. Having an emotional affair because of something your wife does. If your home life isn't what you want, then bloody do something to change it. Don't go looking elsewhere whilst your wife is at home wasting time on waiting for you.

Original poster
VogelVogel · 26/05/2017 21:25

The wedding was 15 years ago Hmm

OP posts:
RebootYourEngine · 26/05/2017 21:25

Instead of feeling guilty you should feel relief that your awful abusive parents are no longer in your life.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 26/05/2017 21:26

Stop with all the sad faces and feeling sorry for yourself and listen to what people are telling you.

Original poster
VogelVogel · 26/05/2017 21:27

How are they abusive? They moved mountains to raise me and my siblings when we were young.

The may be outspoken, snobs and say stupid things but abusive? They don't mean half of what they say it's HOT AIR!

OP posts:
ollieplimsoles · 26/05/2017 21:27

Married 15 years ago and this shit is still going on?
Christ listen to people..

ollieplimsoles · 26/05/2017 21:28

Sounds like they controlled you.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 26/05/2017 21:29

The may be outspoken, snobs and say stupid things but abusive? They don't mean half of what they say it's HOT AIR!

They are verbally abusive to your wife. It doesn't matter if they don't mean what they say; they need to learn self control or realise their behaviour has consequences.

You can't say nasty things to someone and when they retaliate go "oh but I didn't mean it!".

roundaboutthetown · 26/05/2017 21:30

Sounds to me like you married your mother - two hot headed women who cannot accept or admit to being in the wrong, here. No idea which of them is worse at this point in time, but neither appears to have behaved well and both appear to have been controlling and manipulative. Your parents really did make an appalling mess of the start of their relationship with your dw, though, didn't they? Fancy not going to your wedding and then thinking they would be remotely trusted with your children while your dw went back to work! Why would your dw want someone who clearly dislikes the fact she exists and is married to you, looking after her children?

missymayhemsmum · 26/05/2017 21:30

Man up and stop playing the victim here.
tell your parents calmly that your wife comes first and you will not tolerate them being disrespectful to her in any way, if they want contact with you. Stop excusing and minimising their behaviour. She is your wife, and the mother of their grandchildren, she deserves their respect and courtesy.

tell your wife calmly that you acknowledge that your parents have treated her badly, but they are your parents, they are getting old, and you are going to be a good son to them, and she will have to accept that.
Do the right thing, but don't expect either to like youfor it. Both will try to make a row, create an argument, and make you choose. Refuse to choose. Stop looking for support here, your job is to support your wife and your parents.

WappersReturns · 26/05/2017 21:30

Your poor wife. Are you really so blind to what you and your family have put her through? So many people have told you on this thread that your wife has every reason to feel the way she does, she is utterly justified in going NC with your parents. We aren't saying that because we misunderstood what you are saying, your parents have behaved appallingly and no mother would willingly send their children to see family so toxic.

I feel so sorry for this woman. She may not be a pushover but constantly having to be defensive against toxic influence is exhausting and she really needs to be supported.

stitchglitched · 26/05/2017 21:31

What sort of stuff to they say to your wife? Apart from the kidnap threats.

As an aside you do seem quite dramatic. You want plaudits for staying with your wife. You are her husband that is what you are supposed to do. Your parents 'moved mountains' to raise you. They are your parents, they are supposed to raise you!

AnyFucker · 26/05/2017 21:32

Yes, your wife has a husband problem

You sound like the worst kind of whiney twat

BaggyCheeks · 26/05/2017 21:33

The eldest son takes care of the parents? Or do you mean the wife of the eldest son takes care of his parents?

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 26/05/2017 21:33

Do her a favour and leave her.

Allthebestnamesareused · 26/05/2017 21:37

reboot you had a lucky escape. I can only hope Vogel's wife is also on Mumsnet, sees this thread and throws him out so he can go to live with his lovely parents.

Original poster
VogelVogel · 26/05/2017 21:37

It's impossible to list everything in an opening post. I have told my parents on numerous occasions that they need to back off and they have.

They make inappropriate remarks about everyone not just dw -they've questioned the dc paternity (they joke about this with other people and say stupid things)
They've called her a gold digger but she put them straight when she told them she paid a significant amount of debt I had accrued off. So they relented. Generally it's been a clash of personalities/language problems/

OP posts: