To think that DW's behaving irrationally and unfairly?

[VogelVogel]

From time to time we have disagreement and she storms off. She says she doesn't like confrontation as her parents fought during her childhood so she uses these avoidance tactics and is hypersensitive to the smallest of criticisms.

We have been NC with my parents who live locally to us-I will admit they have not treated my wife well in the past. A big clash of cultures and understanding was to blame in many instances but unlike me DW finds it incredibly hard to forgive and forget and even the smallest thing would get blown out of all proportion. My parents have made no secret of the fact that they didn't accept DW and neither attended our wedding and she will not back down and claims to have been "conditioned" by all of us. fact.

My parents are very socially awkward, speak their minds and they are snobs but they are not bad people.

We've had nothing to do with my parents for the last 6 years now after DW intercepted an email written about her which wasn't very complimentary.

I was most upset to see that my father is suffering from ill health now and putting my mother under much stress. They both turned up at the house unannounced and we were not in during my son's birthday last month -all they wanted to do was to see my son. My wife found this out from by brother (who was indiscreet and joked with DW that our mother probably was after a carer for my dad) and my wife went mad. She went on a epic rant about calling the police if they were to dare turn up again -and she didn't speak to me for a week.

I feel now that my parents are frail and elderly they need a supportive family around them. They're not perfect but they're the only parents I have-they mean well and don't have the most sophisticated sense of humour but they're not malicious.

AIBU to tell her I'm going to take the DC and start up regular contact with them again?

I'm not sure I could cope with any more moods. In the past I've looked elsewhere for emotional support and can see that happening again if she doesn't change.

I'm talking about my wife. Parents have been chastised by me already.

My mother says she didn't want to see me anyway she said she wanted to see dw to apologise.

I think it might be well past the point where an apology will have any weight. Inherent in an apology is a committment not to repeat the same mistake. This does not happen.

So let me get that right.
Your dw sent an aggressive email and your parenst expect her to apologise. Will they also be happy to forgive and forget, put that down to the fact that she has always been hard work and really she didn't mean it?
In effect, are they happy to do for her what they (and you!) have expected her to do riht from the start?
I suspect not tbh. On the contrary, i suspect that you (and them) will take that as a sign that she is completely unreasonable.
For getting that she same behaviour from them was supposed to be met with a 'aww, they didnt mean it really'.

whatever issue there has shouod have been address right at the start when your parents refused to go to your wedding because she wasnt good enough. And then again whe they made false allegation about her being a gold digger etc...
Much too late for apologies from any sides.

You will have to chose your side though.

I'm sickened by this thread. I have been the wife in this situation, luckily got out. My ex inlaws were Punjabi, it was a living hell and I was never accepted as from a different culture. All the things your Mum did I had done to me too including the 'helpful' offer of childcare.

Also, the offer of the house deposit. Not kind, not for a second. Controlling so they have a hold over you.

OP, your parents are abusers. Controlling and manipulative and you are a product of this parenting. The guilt and control they hold over you means that you feel indebted to them and they will never let you forget it. Your comment about how hard they worked to bring you all up sums it up completely. They want you to feel that they have done so much for you. They haven't.

Please leave your wife so she can go and live her life away from this completely disfunctional dynamic. It is harmful for the children.

You clearly dislike and disrespect your wife and will never prioritise her. How your parents and you have behaved is disgusting.

If your mum wants to apologise to your wife then I recommend you asking her to send a written (ie on paper) apology.

Your wife can then take her time to decide what she wants to do about it. You need to be realistic about it though - just because your mum has decided to apologise doesn't mean your wife has to accept it. She may decide that too much has happened. It may be far too little, 15 years too late.

I hope your W is on here and has seen you justifying the abuse she has had to put up with for 15 bloody years.

You are a disgrace, as a Husband and Father - I cannot believe that you want your dc to go into this abusive situation too.....believe me, your 'D'M will be abusing the children in no time, knowing full well you don't have the fucking back bone to stop it.

Your poor W needs to get well away from you all.....You abusive arseholes.

" They assumed the hiatus would be temporary"

If you don't attend someone's wedding because you disapprove of it you have no right to assume that the effect will be temporary.

What MrsS said.

strange This is exactly what I have told them. I've expressly told my parents that DW is not the forgiving and forgetting type and saying sorry a thousand times to me won't solve anything.

She's the type who once treated badly would cut off any friendship. I cannot do that. I've always been one to be able to forgive and forget.

Even in the early days for us this caused much upset. Just before we got married DW packed her bags on more than one occasion but we talked it through and I let my parents know that I was not willing to give up my fiancée.

Im always telling my dcs that an apology means nothing if you dont change your behaviour afterwards. Otherwise they are just words with little meaning.

In the case of your parents, it looks like they have apologised often and STILL carried on insulting/having a go at your dw.
So that was never an apology but a way to try and smooth thing over hoping she woud get back into line.

Your lost post sound slike you have been well taught. But taught to just accept anything and everything from your parents, even what would be considered by most people as totally unacceptable. :(:(

But they haven't treated her badly "once", Vogel, this is sustained emtional abuse, controlling behaviour and bullying over what, 15 years? Why the heck SHOULD your wife "forgive and forget"?

Your Mother obviously thinks she can say anything she wants, however nasty, and get away with it because it's a "family joke", or if she apologises afterwards. But she only apologises because she's been caught in the act. There's obviously no sincerity in her apologies because she just repeats the same bad behaviour. How many times do you think your wife should put up with this frankly atrocious treatment?

Well she's forgiven you being a cheat so she obviously breaks her own rules now and again.

Forgive and Forget have you even tried to see it from your wifes point of view. Why the fuck should she forgive and forget? Your parents mother was and probably still is abusive. I would never forgive what she has done.

What strikes me is that the Op keeps making excuses for his dp's behaviour but finds no justification for his wife's. It's clear whose side he's on. I don't know why his wife stays with him. I'm married to a man from a different culture and if my ILs threatened to take my dcs abroad, I'd be seeing a solicitor, possibly the police. You should leave your wife Op. You clearly have no respect for her.

You 'forgive and forget' because you've been trained by a couple of narcs. It's the FOG mate. Fear, obligation and guilt.

Some shit is unforgivable. Joking about kidnapping children a my attending your child's weeding out of spite are two. Oh and questioning your GC paternity; there's three!

FFS typos!

She did forgive and forget - Constantly for 9 years before she went no contact. Over and over again she was victim of abusive behaviour which you expect her to repeatedly accept - without complaint
She doesn't get a chance to forgive and forget BECAUSE THEY KEEP TREATING HER LIKE SHIT!!

I've expressly told my parents that DW is not the forgiving and forgetting type

Yeah, it's all on her, the vindictive unforgiving cow, isn't it? Not your completely vicious mother or anything.

Vogels Wife, if you're reading this, I don't think it can be fixed. Run away, run away!

Eh, your wife can definitely forgive and forget. She's done so, so many times over the years that your parents have treated her despicably. She forgave you 'seeking support' elsewhere. We all have limits, seems she's reached hers. And fair play to her for taking action.

This probably resonates with me too much. DP's parents have treated me appallingly. We let it go for years because they were only joking, it's just how they are. No more. Thankfully DP loves and respects me, and would not accept me being treated so badly. Now we're entirely no contact with them. And not just us. Most of DP's siblings are nc with them due to their behaviour. DP's sister said of her mother that she'll be happy when she dies. Now I know that sounds like an atrocious thing to say. DP's sister is one of the kindest, most loving and caring people I know. To say something like that is so out of character for her. That's the depth of her hurt and distress at their disgusting behaviour.

They behave a lot like your parents. How can you repeatedly make excuses for their behaviour, but be so quick to condemn your wife? Do you care for her at all? Does it not hurt you to see her treated so badly, so hurt and upset?

What did your DW say in her 'aggressive' email? And how did your parents react? Was there any acknowledgement of their horrible treatment of her?

Thank you everyone.

I am the wife.

I'm going to ask MN to delete this post .

I've copied it and will present it to my husband when I leave him tied up in a satin bow.

Of course he will say that you're all strangers and why should your opinions count-he's used this line before when friends and family have been concerned and voiced them to me

Ducks have been lined.

I'm sorry if I've hurt or offended anyone in starting this thread. It was started out of desperation and frankly I have hugely underplayed the whole sorry affair of our marriage. I'm such a fucking idiot!

I think the responses have been overwhelming and it's true to say at the beginning I thought all responses were going to be on the lines of " YABU -she sounds like a nightmare" so looks like I'm the one who's been super conditioned.

I'm determined to get out of this nasty cycle. I cannot cope mentally nor physically anymore and it's starting up again with PIL turning up unannounced coupled with the fact that a new prospective work colleague saw a photo of H and said he recognised him and low and behold - it's a woman he knows from couple of years ago who was being pursued very aggressively by H over social media.

He was pestering her for dates and sending her photos of my children on days out when he was playing his Disney dad. Well my prospective work colleague is very close to her and was treated to quite a few of the gory details I found out.

God. The humiliation. Looks like I'll have to swerve that job too. (This isn't the first instance)

Vogel that will sound strange but in some ways, Im happy that you are the dw and that this thread has opened your eyes to what is really going on.

Stay strong and remember that he will always put himself and his family/parents first. That he is a cheater.
I am sure you will be much much better once you have left

((Hugs))

Vogel, not one person on here has agreed with your husband. You are an amazing lady to put up with this crap for so long!!! Leave him and don't look back. He sounds like a complete arsewipe. You can do this

Best of luck with your break away and your new life Vogel.

Vogel, you are an amazing woman. And clearly very strong to put up with their abuse for so long.

Well done you and I wish you lots of luck for your brighter future.

I'm not strong at all. I'm a wreck. I've not written the half of it and as I mentioned to another lovely Mumsnetter- I think the calls of Troll and the disbelief on this thread are what gave my head a wobble.
DC are older now and I'm bloody hoping I've instilled them with enough confidence, love and guts to have some ammo against his family.