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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that DW's behaving irrationally and unfairly?

365 replies

VogelVogel · 26/05/2017 20:43

From time to time we have disagreement and she storms off. She says she doesn't like confrontation as her parents fought during her childhood so she uses these avoidance tactics and is hypersensitive to the smallest of criticisms.

We have been NC with my parents who live locally to us-I will admit they have not treated my wife well in the past. A big clash of cultures and understanding was to blame in many instances but unlike me DW finds it incredibly hard to forgive and forget and even the smallest thing would get blown out of all proportion. My parents have made no secret of the fact that they didn't accept DW and neither attended our wedding and she will not back down and claims to have been "conditioned" by all of us. fact.

My parents are very socially awkward, speak their minds and they are snobs but they are not bad people.

We've had nothing to do with my parents for the last 6 years now after DW intercepted an email written about her which wasn't very complimentary.

I was most upset to see that my father is suffering from ill health now and putting my mother under much stress. They both turned up at the house unannounced and we were not in during my son's birthday last month -all they wanted to do was to see my son. My wife found this out from by brother (who was indiscreet and joked with DW that our mother probably was after a carer for my dad) and my wife went mad. She went on a epic rant about calling the police if they were to dare turn up again -and she didn't speak to me for a week.

I feel now that my parents are frail and elderly they need a supportive family around them. They're not perfect but they're the only parents I have-they mean well and don't have the most sophisticated sense of humour but they're not malicious.

AIBU to tell her I'm going to take the DC and start up regular contact with them again?

I'm not sure I could cope with any more moods. In the past I've looked elsewhere for emotional support and can see that happening again Sad if she doesn't change.

OP posts:
HorridHenryrule · 26/05/2017 21:38

Why don't you see your parents alone. You haven't posted once that she is stopping you.

SmileEachDay · 26/05/2017 21:38

So YEARS AGO your mother threatened to take your children away to another country.

Then when your most recent child was 3 weeks old, she "offered" to take it away from your wife?

And you can't see the issue?

Hmm
AnUtterIdiot · 26/05/2017 21:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HorridHenryrule · 26/05/2017 21:39

The plot thickens, they are your parents you go and see them.

Original poster
VogelVogel · 26/05/2017 21:40

I can see them alone she said that I'm an adult and can do as I please but she's said she doesn't want our children to be brainwashed and conditioned and it all hinges on the stuff DM stupidly wrote in her email .

If I see them alone they get really upset because they children aren't there and keep pushing for contact and they are relentless. They get so stressed.

OP posts:
jouu · 26/05/2017 21:41

If you wanted a woman who'd smile and nod when she was subject to threats and verbal abuse, perhaps you should have married someone who thought less of herself, or was a bit stupider?

I'm sorry OP but threatening to kidnap children is an actual crime. If your parents' culture has made them criminals may I kindly suggest that you not associate with criminals.

Or at least show some understanding for those who have the sense not to leave their children in the charge of criminals...

Original poster
VogelVogel · 26/05/2017 21:41

smile
She offered childcare. Not to abduct our baby.

OP posts:
ollieplimsoles · 26/05/2017 21:42

Fucking hell your wife needs to get out now.

I'll ask again- what culture are they from? Because you really are not painting it in a very good light at all...

Original poster
VogelVogel · 26/05/2017 21:43

The raising the children elsewhere came when they were older -when the DC were toddlers.

OP posts:
RebootYourEngine · 26/05/2017 21:43

Allthebest i did have a lucky escape. She was a controlling fruit loop who thought she knew better than me how to raise my child when she didnt even raise her own son.

HorridHenryrule · 26/05/2017 21:43

You can't choose your family and it's only natural to want to see them, when they are getting old and illness hits them.

I wouldn't expect your dew to be by your side. She would need nerves of steel to talk to them again.

Original poster
VogelVogel · 26/05/2017 21:43

Ollie. I would rather not say.
They are not European.

OP posts:
ollieplimsoles · 26/05/2017 21:43

where were they going to take them ???

jouu · 26/05/2017 21:44

If I see them alone they get really upset because they children aren't there and keep pushing for contact and they are relentless. They get so stressed.

Ooohhhhh I see. So what you're really saying is, "my parents make me feel guilty for things that THEY have done.

And obv the natural solution to that is, my DW should relent. SHE should feel bad (about letting her children into the care of criminals and abusers), so that I can stop feeling bad."

Riiiight ok. Makes sense

... could you maybe oh, I don't know, grow up and be an actual parent and adult? Instead of a cowering child who can't hold his parents to account in even the most basic way?

Wake up op, being a grown up means doing hard things sometimes. As your DW has learned to her sorrow.

kittybiscuits · 26/05/2017 21:45

In case you are a real thing....

Staying with your wife is no indication of loyalty. You are a massive piece of work. You would be doing your wife a favour if you left her. Your family is hideous. Go to them if you want to. You cannot inflict them on anyone else.

RebootYourEngine · 26/05/2017 21:45

Telling someone that they are going to take their children away and raise them in another country without their mother is the SAME as threatening to kidnap them.

MrsDustyBusty · 26/05/2017 21:46

They make inappropriate remarks about everyone not just dw -they've questioned the dc paternity (they joke about this with other people and say stupid things)

They sound horrible.

stitchglitched · 26/05/2017 21:46

'They've questioned the dc paternity'

Fucking hell they sound horrific. What was said in the email?

Sarasue1967 · 26/05/2017 21:46

I wouldn't bother OP you're about to become the latest victim of the mumsnet double standards brigade. Woman unhappy with man = LTB. Man unhappy with woman = unreasonable man.

Lunde · 26/05/2017 21:46

You are full of excuses OP

Original poster
VogelVogel · 26/05/2017 21:46

Jouu-they have tried many times to make amends but my wife will not budge. They have apologise and came to our home last month to specifically see her. That's why she flew off the handle.

It's natural for a grandparent to want to see their grandchildren.

OP posts:
Original poster
VogelVogel · 26/05/2017 21:46

Lunde
I'm just answering questions.

OP posts:
ollieplimsoles · 26/05/2017 21:46

I'm sensing some kind of culture or religion in which parents think they can control every aspect of their Children's lives, and by extension, their spouses and grandchildren as well...

stitchglitched · 26/05/2017 21:47

But they question whether they are actually their real grandchildren?

Allthebestnamesareused · 26/05/2017 21:47

She offered childcare at 3 weeks old though!!!

She threatened to take them abroad to raise them but because you didn't hear this with your own ears you don't believe your wife and once again take their side over hers!

You are surely winding us up - now DW has been called a gold-digger. Surely if she was she'd have ripped that house deposit right out of their hands!

You are hearing everyone say that your DW needs support from you and that your parents should not expect a relationship with your parents because of their appalling behaviour. So what if they say inappropriate things about other people too. You should have nipped it in the bud from the outset. You surely MUST understand why your DW is not being unreasonable to want to have nothing to do with them personally not let your kids be indoctrinated by their toxic views and inappropriate comments including questioning their parentage!!!

Time for you to say hands up. You're all right. I will see them and do what I can for them as they are my parents but I accept DW and the kids should not be involved.