To think that DW's behaving irrationally and unfairly?

[VogelVogel]

From time to time we have disagreement and she storms off. She says she doesn't like confrontation as her parents fought during her childhood so she uses these avoidance tactics and is hypersensitive to the smallest of criticisms.

We have been NC with my parents who live locally to us-I will admit they have not treated my wife well in the past. A big clash of cultures and understanding was to blame in many instances but unlike me DW finds it incredibly hard to forgive and forget and even the smallest thing would get blown out of all proportion. My parents have made no secret of the fact that they didn't accept DW and neither attended our wedding and she will not back down and claims to have been "conditioned" by all of us. fact.

My parents are very socially awkward, speak their minds and they are snobs but they are not bad people.

We've had nothing to do with my parents for the last 6 years now after DW intercepted an email written about her which wasn't very complimentary.

I was most upset to see that my father is suffering from ill health now and putting my mother under much stress. They both turned up at the house unannounced and we were not in during my son's birthday last month -all they wanted to do was to see my son. My wife found this out from by brother (who was indiscreet and joked with DW that our mother probably was after a carer for my dad) and my wife went mad. She went on a epic rant about calling the police if they were to dare turn up again -and she didn't speak to me for a week.

I feel now that my parents are frail and elderly they need a supportive family around them. They're not perfect but they're the only parents I have-they mean well and don't have the most sophisticated sense of humour but they're not malicious.

AIBU to tell her I'm going to take the DC and start up regular contact with them again?

I'm not sure I could cope with any more moods. In the past I've looked elsewhere for emotional support and can see that happening again if she doesn't change.

She was 3 weeks old when the childcare offer was given.

Sounds like your parents have been awful to your wife.
It also sounds like your wife feels she has the right to dictate your relationship with your parents and is manipulative with her moods.

You are more than in your rights to have contact with your parents. She is in her rights not to. You both have to accept and not fight about it. However if she starts being moody and passive aggressive about it then I'd be considering leaving.

You have zero sympathy from me on 'looking elsewhere for emotional support' unless you are purely looking at a genuine friendship and not an emotional affair.

It is no wonder your DW refused childcare from people who treat her appallingly. Why would she let them anywhere near them to indoctrinate them to their way of thinking about their mother. This offer was not a genuine good deed offer.

Also she presumably does not want to be beholden financially to people who would presumably believe they would have a say relating to which property, where etc and more importantly we need to move in now we are older.

Your parents may need support now they're frail and elderly, but perhaps they shouldn't have acted like twats when they were younger and it might be more forthcoming.

Just because you're old doesn't mean all your awful behaviour gets forgiven and you automatically get care off the people you were twats to.

There are multiple problems here not just one easy one. You're specifically asking if you would be AIBU to start regular contact. To that - YANBU - but you cannot let your parents into your house just take the children to see them. Obviously you shouldn't mix them with your wife or expect her to do anything with them. The other factors are not what you asked about

You have a right to see your parents and have a relationship with them she doesn't have to be a part of that. I also disagree with the poster who said he doesn't have a right to take his DC to see them the DC are as much his children as they are hers. I hated ex's mothers but I accept that she sees DS.

Just because they are your parents it does not allow them to treat your dw like shit and expect her to be ok with them having anything to do with her. You should be backing your dw not your parents.

Someone offering to take my precious newborn so I could be sent back to work would not go down well with me, or many mothers! It's not necessarily a kind thing.
Not coming to your wedding is massive. Do you think your wife's negativity toward them is a result of your parents' behaviour?
I do think you should visit aging parents yourself if you feel that's right. And you have the right to bring your own kids to see them, but maybe start by going yourself.
You don't sound like you like your wife very much anymore.

It doesn't matter if they were desperate. 6 years isn't a temporary hiatus, it is a serious long term estrangement. Reintroductions can't be forced by them just turning up, it is very manipulative of them to try to put your wife and child in that position.

AlmostAJillSandwich. I agree with you. She has been abusive not talking to me for a week.

She threatened to call the police because YEARS ago DW claimed my DM told her she would take the children abroad to raise them away from her. She says stupid things when she's heated but she would never harm a hair on any child's head.

I mis read your last line to mean you had turned to friends, now i realise you mean you had an affair, at the very least an emotional one even if not physical, your wife deserves so much better.
No wonder the poor woman is angry and upset, you continue to defend your parents treatment of her!
As for "We'll have your DD so you can go back to work" that isn't trying to help, its wanting to take control, wanting to take care of and bring the child up how THEY want, and you're seeing your wife as the unreasonable one, you're unbelieveable.

Oh come on, your mother threatened to kidnap your kids? She would not get within a mile of my kids again if she said that. Your poor poor wife. Evil in laws and a spineless cheat for a husband.

So, they treat your wife like shit, nc for 6 years and then they just expect for things to ok and you go along with that?

What planet do they live on?

It wasn't a temporary hiatus - your DW went NC for very good reasons. Good for her.

'Going elsewhere for emotional support' sounds like a not very well veiled threat and if you did do it, it would be all her fault. When in fact it would be your parents.

It sounds like you staying with her and not putting your parents (clearly unreasonable) demands above your DW and your family is something she should be grateful for - yet which you hold as a stick to beat her with - not ok.

Would you clarify for us what 'going elsewhere for emotional support' actually means?

What planet do they live on?

The same one as their little princey son.

Your parents are sounding worse every time you post.

Your mother told your dw that she would abduct her children and she would never see them again. Your mother also expected your dw to go back to work 3 weeks after giving birth. Your mother sounds very controlling. No wonder your dw doesnt want your dc anywhere near her.

I think you're misunderstanding. My DM is very hotheaded and has always admitted she does not like being in the wrong-she's also stubborn but she'd never hurt her grand children -she lives for them.

Ok, now reading that last post of yours, you STILL think your poor long suffering wife was being unreasonable and ungrateful for refusing the "offer" of your parents to take your daughter and have her go back to work as soon as possible?
And you're DEFENDING your mother telling your wife she's effectively going to abduct her children from her?
If i was your wife i wouldnt EVER let your parents have contact with my children either. I also wouldn't want anything to do with you considering you're determined to defend them to the last and criticise your wife

Whoa, ex post. Your evil DM threatens to kidnap your children and you think your DW is overreacting.

Grow a fucking set of balls. Your DW is probably scared of these people. And as for you wife being abusive for not talking to you, grow up.

Time to let bygones be bygones. Yes your wife is upset and can never forgive, however, she needs to accept that these are the people that raised you. Remind her of your vows for better or worse. Your parents are worse than worse but your dad is sick, there comes a time when you need to let go.

Speak to your wife, tell her you understand how a he fills but if you don't help care for your dad, what are you teaching your kids.

If your wife doesn't want to help that is her choice, but this is your dad.

I was thinking you were getting a hard time here until your last post. You're massively minimising an incredibly serious threat. Maybe your wife is angry all the time because you don't take her feelings seriously?

So I am beginning to think this can't be true.

Nasty MIL wants to take baby away at weeks of age and has previously said she would take kids abroad.

Wife is "abusive" because she won't talk to dickhead of a husband!

You cannot make threats like that and you ought to be ashamed of yourself that you think it's harmless to say that to a mother.

My parents are very socially awkward, speak their minds and they are snobs but they are not bad people.

Yes they are, they have treated your wife like shit.

In the past I've looked elsewhere for emotional support and can see that happening again if she doesn't change.

...and it seems the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I feel sorry for your wife.

Reboot
No my DM suggested it to my wife early so she could return afte rmat leave with the financial worry of childcare as we were saving for a house.