To think that DW's behaving irrationally and unfairly?

[VogelVogel]

From time to time we have disagreement and she storms off. She says she doesn't like confrontation as her parents fought during her childhood so she uses these avoidance tactics and is hypersensitive to the smallest of criticisms.

We have been NC with my parents who live locally to us-I will admit they have not treated my wife well in the past. A big clash of cultures and understanding was to blame in many instances but unlike me DW finds it incredibly hard to forgive and forget and even the smallest thing would get blown out of all proportion. My parents have made no secret of the fact that they didn't accept DW and neither attended our wedding and she will not back down and claims to have been "conditioned" by all of us. fact.

My parents are very socially awkward, speak their minds and they are snobs but they are not bad people.

We've had nothing to do with my parents for the last 6 years now after DW intercepted an email written about her which wasn't very complimentary.

I was most upset to see that my father is suffering from ill health now and putting my mother under much stress. They both turned up at the house unannounced and we were not in during my son's birthday last month -all they wanted to do was to see my son. My wife found this out from by brother (who was indiscreet and joked with DW that our mother probably was after a carer for my dad) and my wife went mad. She went on a epic rant about calling the police if they were to dare turn up again -and she didn't speak to me for a week.

I feel now that my parents are frail and elderly they need a supportive family around them. They're not perfect but they're the only parents I have-they mean well and don't have the most sophisticated sense of humour but they're not malicious.

AIBU to tell her I'm going to take the DC and start up regular contact with them again?

I'm not sure I could cope with any more moods. In the past I've looked elsewhere for emotional support and can see that happening again if she doesn't change.

Of course, your wife saw this as the way to make good on her appalling threat.

Your mother is lucky your wife didn't call the police or get some kind of court order against your mother. I'm quite hotheaded OP, it has never caused me to threaten to abduct someone else's children though!

Allthebest i can very well believe this. My own MIL was like this. She is now exMIL.

Yep, if that is the kind of vile shit your DM says, I'm not surprised she didnt take her up on the offer.

I'll be honest, I rely feel for her. I can't imagine feeling like such an outsider, and feeling like my husband married me 'despite' everything. Like I ought to be grateful that he did that, especially when the rest of the family continue to make their dislike of me actively known.

Did you really think your wife would agree to an offer made at 3wks PP by a woman who treats her this way? And a deposit for a house is a big old thing to hold over someone.

Almost.
I wasn't there. It's what my wife claimed was said to her but with the language barrier she has taken many thing out of context before. My DM didn't threaten to kidnap the children!

You are utterly minimising everything that your parents have done wrong and are accusing your wife of being irrational?
I am not surprised she is acting strongly, she probably feels unsupported and I think she is right to feel that way.
You don't seem to understand that there are hurts that are very difficult to get over - have your parents even tried to make amends? By that I mean apologising for not attending your wedding etc?
It is not your wife's fault she is not for your culture and she should not be made to pay for it.

How about you emotionally support her rather than looking for support yourself elsewhere. If she truly felt you were on her side she may be more open to building bridges

To clarify, using refusal to talk to someone for a week as "punishment" is emotionally abusive, but i can now absolutely see why this poor woman would do that after everything your parents, and also YOU have put her through.

So what other things have your parents said to your wife then?

You go and make it up with your parents if you want op, but if I was your wife you would bot be taking the dc with you. Not after your mother said she would take them abroad to be raised by her. Who the fuck does she think she is?

She absolutely DID threaten to kidnap the children and that is absolutely harming them, so yes, your mum would harm your children.

I have said sorry about three times and she has emotional outbursts and says she will not be shouted at and treated like shit but I don't do that- I have critiqued a few things like anyone does but she cannot cope with it. The atmosphere is terrible for the DC. I have said I am sorry but she will not talk to me.

Ok so she hated the fact your wife was from a different culture, to the degree that she snubbed the wedding. Right. She threatened to take the children away to another country, also known as kidnapping. Right. When your newborn is just 3 weeks old, she offers to take care of the baby so your wife can be separated from her tiny baby and get back to work. Right...... your mother is dreadful and I feel sorry for your wife being stuck with you all!! If my MIL ever said she'd take my kids away from me, I could not be held accountable for my actions. I'm telling you I would be having to plead insanity in front of a judge after the red mist had taken over. No way, no how, would I let that vile woman near my kids. No. I wouldn't care about them being your parents, and FYI they've been outrageously disrespectful to you by the way they've treated her. You're a damn fool.

"She threatened to call the police because YEARS ago DW claimed my DM told her she would take the children abroad to raise them away from her. She says stupid things when she's heated but she would never harm a hair on any child's head."

If my MIL had even hinted at such a thing, she'd never have seen me or the DC again, and if my DH hadn't backed me to the hilt I'd have divorced him.

Can't believe you think your wife is the unreasonable one here.

Op, you talk about your wife as if she was part of some rebellion you had against your parents. Not good for the self esteem when you realise that your husband married you as a way of sticking two fingers up at his parents.

I have worked very hard for my family and made so many sacrifices including giving up contact with my parents. I am not a bad man.

YEARS ago DW claimed my DM told her she would take the children abroad to raise them away from her.

I'm sorry... please just read that back? You are making excuses for some old bat who threatened to kidnap your children?

Come on, son. Give your head a shake. Your DW's only mistake was marrying you. Poor woman's stuck with you now...

Please stop trying to make this situation what you want it to be... your DM has made criminal threats to your DW... you cannot expect your DW to release the children to their care, she would be committing an act of criminal negligence if she did.

Thank God the DC have your DW to watch out for them. Your parents are unhinged. Go and see them and take care of them yourself if you must, but fgs don't let the children go along with you, and don't expect your DW to support you.

You're certainly not a good one.

You could live with treading on eggshells constantly?*

Still, not a justification for an affair. Leave if it's so bad you need to find someone else.

Sounds like your wife has put up with too much. Her stress levels are shot. I agree with the everyone else: your wife is not the one with the problem (except dealing with threats, abuse and an unsupportive husband).

Take. A. Good. Long. Look. At. Yourself.

I reckon that you are just as bad as your parents in the way you treat your dw.

Your poor wife, a bitch of a MIL and a soggy mama's boy who hasn't the balls I was born with

Also, where is your DW's emotional support in this?

I do have my wife's back-I've stayed with her through all of it.