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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be fucking furious with dh

217 replies

NapQueen · 24/05/2017 07:40

Over a fidget spinner of all things!

Dd (5) wanted a fidget spinner. We started giving her pocket money so she could save for one. After three weeks she had enough. Dh ordered her one from ebay (dunno why he didnt just take her to a shop to buy one but hey ho). It took the best part of a week to arrive.

Arrived yesterday. She had a play with it before bed. This morning she got up and after breakfast and getting dressed went to get her fidget spinner. It wasnt where we left it so had a scout round - no sign. I text dh (he had left for work 10 mins prior to her asking) and he had taken it.

He works in a school for sen kids and wanted to show oneof the kids. Im fucking furious! Its her toy, which she saved for and waited a bloody week on top of that for and day one he has taken it to work with him. Without asking her. Im all for these things being used as a concentration tool etc buy ffs!! Its not his!

I rang him and he said "I didnt ask her as I thought she would winge" of course she would and for good reason! So im the one left to console her. I mean, its a fidget spinner, so she will get over it, but at the moment this is a big deal.

How fucking selfish

OP posts:
highinthesky · 24/05/2017 09:44

I love the "truths" threads of these kinds can reveal....Grin

AceholeRimmer · 24/05/2017 09:46

That was shit of him to take her toy she's been so excited to get.. of course she would whinge. I think waiting a week for something is fine though, we get things we want so quickly these days.

FrenchMartiniTime · 24/05/2017 09:47

He needs to have a think about whether he wants her to be dating a cocklodger later on because thats the dynamic hes setting her up for.

Omg.....you win for the some ridiculous post!

Dad taking daughters toy will lead to future abusive relationships.

Christ on a bike!

FrenchMartiniTime · 24/05/2017 09:48

*most

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/05/2017 09:52

Edmund

I suggested this exactly because the father gets dd would be upset and still didn't care. I didn't say to hide them for 3 hours. 5 mins should do it with a "this is how dd felt, remember this next time". I was brought up with parents with the "My stuff is mine and your stuff is ours" parenting. Sometimes you have to show people, nothing to do with tit for tat. Tit for tat would be returning the keys in the evening.

Mistressiggi · 24/05/2017 09:55

They are not banned in any school I've heard of mores the pity
I expect she had wanted to take it in, or at least see it at breakfast time.

I think him being sorry will be one way to model better behaviour for her.

Bluntness100 · 24/05/2017 10:02

Dad taking daughters toy will lead to future abusive relationships

Actually there is merit in this. What if he continues to behave like this, he's telling her she doesn't matter, her feelings don't matter, he knows she will be upset, but he doesn't care, what he wants is more important. So yes if he continues to treat her like this, she may grow up and gravitate towards men who treat her just like daddy did, because that's her norm.

So the issue is wider than just taking her toy, it's knowing she will be upset and doing it anyway. It's not having rhe decency to sit her down and ask if she'd mind if he took it to school to show the other kids. It's making her wait a week to get it from eBay.

Is he controlling and cruel in other areas op or is this a departure for him?

babybythesea · 24/05/2017 10:03

I'm a bit bemused by the idea that people think that because it's only £2 it's not that big a deal.
Surely if you are 5 then a £2 toy is the best kind to save up for - achievable but still needing effort. It's the best place to start, something you really want but don't have enough for straight away, bit of saving required but not so much that it takes forever and you lose interest. Also, it's not just that it's a toy, it's that it stands for the effort she put into getting it. Yep, you could just buy another one, but not in the 10 minutes before school, and it wouldn't be the same as the one she's worked for herself. Do you not remember that pride that you got in getting something for yourself, with your own money?

No, she can't take it to school, but for my DD having that 10 minutes of play can be important. Not critical or anything, but she loves it if she's made and effort to get dressed quickly, and get her things ready, and now she has an extra 10 minutes that she can do her own thing in. It's like a mini-reward for getting up and getting on with things in the morning. So I can well imagine that if she had a brand new toy, that she'd saved for, and particularly if it was the first time ever that she'd bought something with her own money, that she'd be upset to find it gone. And Daddy taking it into work to show other kids would go down like a lead balloon - why should those other kids be the ones to see something and play with it first when I was the one who put the effort in to save for it?

My attitude to her would be "Never mind, you can play with it tonight, come on, we've got to get to school." But my attitude to my DH would be "You total prick. What was a chilled, happy morning was made miserable and frustrating when it didn't need to be. And you weren't here to deal with the fall out. You don't help yourself to someone else's stuff, especially when it's new and they are really excited about it."

The idea that the OP was feeding her daughter's upset is odd. My two are perfectly capable of being upset about something I think is trivial, when my reaction is to stand and watch them in blank bewilderment, and I can jolly them along as much as I like but it doesn't always work because they have their own ideas about what is important to them, whether I feed them (the ideas, not the children, I generally do feed the children) or not. A new toy they'd saved for and were proud of and excited about (not only the toy but the effort it represents) would definitely fall into this category, whether I thought the toy worth it or not.

FrenchMartiniTime · 24/05/2017 10:12

I give up, I'll join the bandwagon.

LTB! He is obviously abusive and controlling. Your DD will most certainly be scarred for life, maybe arrange some counselling?

Also inform his work. A man like that should not be working around kids.

So sorry OP, prayers for you and your DD.

Flowers
Stormtreader · 24/05/2017 10:15

Wow, we really seem to have hit a nerve with the suggestion that the way you treat a child might impact their future behaviour...

pointythings · 24/05/2017 10:16

Massive grovelling from your DH is needed here. What he did was awful and he did it with cold calculation. I am glad you let him have it, he needs to learn not to disrespect his DD like this.

EdmundCleverClogs · 24/05/2017 10:18

FrenchMartiniTime, that really wasn't necessary. There have been a couple of ott responses here, but ultimately there's a little girl who's father's selfish behaviour caused her upset. It may seem like nothing to some, but she must have felt both worried that she lost the toy she worked for and sad that her dad took it without second thought. A little bit of sympathy goes a long way, even if you think it's silly.

LadyRoseate · 24/05/2017 10:23

He needs to have a think about whether he wants her to be dating a cocklodger later on because thats the dynamic hes setting her up for.

This is not a stupid or excessive thing to say. One incident of this kind, if he apologises and doesn't do it again, isn't going to cause that, but if this is his general attitude, and how he behaves in the home, she will grow up feeling like her needs and feelings and possessions don't matter. She might not consciously think that, but it will play out in her relationships and she'll be more likely to tolerate selfish, uncaring or at worst abusive men.

I've been there.

MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 24/05/2017 10:47

It doesn't matter that this isn't the biggest deal in the world right now. It doesn't matter that some (ours hasn't) schools have banned them. It doesn't matter that some posters can nip to their local shop and pick one up for a few quid. The point is, a child saved and saved to buy something she really wanted, and to her is important, then had to wait for it to be ordered, then on the first proper day she could actually play with it, her dad just takes it to work and purposely doesn't ask because he knows full well she wouldn't (rightly) be happy. Which makes it a totally dickish thing to do. In the world of a young child, these things are important. Just because some adults don't agree, doesn't make it fact.

My DCs did the same. Saved their pocket money, I ordered them (and no you couldn't buy them in any shops here) and they were very happy and I was happy to see them happy. Not once did I think "oh I fancy playing with that (and I do like a play with it), I think I'll sneak it for myself without telling them."

differentnameforthis · 24/05/2017 10:50

He wanted to show one of the kids? Pretty sure the kid will have seen, and perhaps own several by now.

diddl · 24/05/2017 10:55

I apologise for saying that she wouldn't have been able to take it to school as I obviously don't know if they are banned & her school & if not then she might of course been able to take it in.

I wasn't saying that as an excuse for her father btw, just as a way of trying to make it not being there seem less bad to her iyswim.

I do think that he was wrong & should apologise.

shinyredbus · 24/05/2017 10:56

Sorry - i going the chorus of your husband is quite mean, doing that to his own child! He was sneaky about it too. I know there are bigger problems in the world right now - but that wouldn't make me less angry with him because its MY problem. Awful behaviour on the part of your husband.

shinyredbus · 24/05/2017 10:57

^going to join the chorus^ that should read as - sorry!

shinyredbus · 24/05/2017 10:58

FrenchMartiniTime - a bit OTT! Confused

MirriVan · 24/05/2017 10:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nancy91 · 24/05/2017 11:02

Threads like these seem to bring out everyone's inner psychologist! Child goes without toy for a few hours = LTB.

She will just have to ask if she can play with another child's £2 bit of plastic for today, this is a really silly thing to get angry about.

FrenchMartiniTime · 24/05/2017 11:12

shinyredbus

I was being sarcastic. RTFT.

VimFuego101 · 24/05/2017 11:28

I'm with you, OP. It sends a message that it's ok to take things without asking, even if you know the person will say no.

As for the posters saying you made a big fuss about making her save for it... I do exactly the same for my son. He needs to understand the value of money and that he can't have everything immediately.

fridgepants · 24/05/2017 11:32

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the user's request.

Kleinzeit · 24/05/2017 11:53

So what became of "We ask permission before we borrow other people's things? And we respect their right to say no." Tell him that he has just taught his own DD an appalling lesson in bad manners and that he needs to buck his ideas up before she learns it.

And ask him if he would just make off with a reward that one of his kids at school had earned?