to ask how most of our mothers coped?

[ItalianScallion]

I was born in the 70's. My mother was a SAHM and there were three of us kids. My father worked night shifts.

The youngest of us was born when I was four and the oldest was 7. My mother got us up, took us to school, took us to after school activities and sports whilst maintaining a ridiculously clean home, and doing all the laundry etc with no help or family support.

My DH has a similar upbringing except his mother and father were living abroad and travelled to several different countries to live because of the nature of FIL's work. My MIL worked nights and so they would literally hand over the kids to each other as one came home and the other went to work.

I feel that we were all raised pretty decently and I have a huge amount of respect for my parents and PIL.

Which brings me to my AIBU to think that we are getting softer? My mother and MIL shake their heads in disbelief when they hear of mothers who SAHM, have a nanny/au pair and a weekly cleaner and still talk about how they're not coping.

Don't get me wrong, parenting is a hard job but it seems that popular parenting ideas and methods are allowing us to make rods for our own backs.

Please understand I'm not referring to women with PND or any MH issues. This is MN so I know I'll be flamed by people with their anecdotes of difficult babies and their specific struggles, and I agree that there will always be exceptions to the rule. Still, I can't help but feel that we don't 'just get on with it' the way our mothers did.

Worth bearing in mind too that the women's movement didn't come out of nowhere. My mother's experiences didn't make her a feminist (she was one all her life in some ways) but she knew what the sisters meant when it started.

Some interesting replies regarding technology and how it allows us to save time so that we can waste it! I appreciate the responses from those who read the OP and comprehended it.
Where we grew up only the very wealthy would ever have had a nanny, and certainly no one from our working class areas did. Another good point about, not so much moving in different circles as we could never afford a nanny, but knowing a broader range of people and colleagues.

I don't think my mum had it so different to me. Less technology in terms of domestic appliances but also far less taking kids to extra curricular stuff, far less homework to 'help' with, fewer bathrooms to clean!, even stupid things like fewer forms to fill in .....

My mum coped by taking all her stresses out on her kids and having me do all her childcare and most of the cleaning from the age of eight onwards.

Yeah if i had six hours every day childfree to clean my home it would be ridiculously clean too.

Agree with you on single parents, peach!

Im a single mum of 2, I'm self employed. My house is a project, have a dog. My ex does not pay, and barely turns up. I cope. You do.

I fantasise about being a housewife with a working husband to pay the bills whilst I just be a mum. I do it all. Bills, Work, school and nursery drops and pick ups.

They had it easier with more defined roles.

I appreciate the responses from those who read the OP and comprehended it.

miaow

My mum did it all with very little help. She was a SAHM until I was 5 and my sister was 3 and my dad worked nightshift for some of that time and worked 6 days a week when he went on to days.

The key difference that I think makes a difference is they were both much younger when they started their family 24/26 - so maybe they had more energy and better health than I did.

Mum had a circle of SAHM friends.

They were much harsher parents. We were well fed, loved, beautifully dressed, supported at school but we were smacked frequently. Maybe this made us more compliant or perhaps was a reflection of just how much stress they were under. I remember a lot of very angry rows between them too - something my husband and I try our best to avoid exposing the children to.

They are good grandparents and help us lots - mainly because they felt so alone when they had us.

If you want to jump to an other generation... in the 50's * my nan used to work in a factory at the bottom of a large hill. She used to cycle home at lunchtime, dish up lunch to her oh and 5 children... Than go back to work. Same thing for dinner. She would spend the summer evenings in the "fields" (veg patch, potatoes and small orchard - all down that hill on her bike!). If this is not enough... she also pickled a lot of her fruit & veg or made jam and chutney. (I know, she had jars upon jars in her large pantry!) Obviously, oh and children helped as well in the fields... but she was the main player for household chores. It's just soo exhausting writing it down! I really don't know how she did it all.

( *Not in the uk)

I was rarely taken to after school activities. One of the parents on the street would walk all the kids to the youth club once a week and another would pick us all up and they would rotate. Other than that we played out in the street. Pretty much every evening and all day during the weekends/holidays. So my mum had plenty of time for cooking/housework.
Nowdays kids are needing ferried to activities 30 mins drive away several times a week. Or to be taken/collected from 'playdates' which didn't exist when I was young. You would just call for a friend with no parental involvement at all.

I do a lot more than my DM ever did!
Work full time in a job that involves working away from home and occasionally long hours - do voluntary work - look after elderly parents - exercise 2/3 times a week - as a single person even though DC are adults I do all my own diy, gardening, etc as well as the more usual chores
I'm exhausted! In fact my parents retired when they were younger than I am now

Most women are not SAHMs with au pairs, gardeners, cleaners etc. Most women are either SAHMs or work at least part time while juggling the housework, childcare etc. (Some with a partner taking on their share and some without)

If a family are financially able to get all that extra support then why not? However it's not the norm.

Any SAHM who has a nanny and a cleaner and still can't cope should probably quit being a SAHM.

OP, a nanny is still the preserve of the relatively wealthy: certainly not something that working class families today can afford.

Ime what you can afford on a working class/lower middle class income is a childminder (rather than a nursery) if both parents are working. To employ somebody to clean or child-mind while also having the luxury of a SAHP would be unthinkable unless you are quite well off. And I know several families who cannot even afford a childminder on two wages, so the only practical solution is for one parent to work evenings/weekends or nights while the other one works in the day

lela, another good point and one I've discussed with friends. A shower can take 5 minutes but some mothers can be horrified at the thought of leaving PFB alone for that time.

I maintain that the worst bit of the day is getting out of the house to the car. Bags, buckles, car seats etc.

End of the day, activities, homeworks etc.

My recollection (just mine!) is that in the mornings mothers opened the door and off you went. At the end of the day, back you came. No running after school here, there and everywhere. No car!

Shopping etc must have been more difficult though as had to walk most places.

We never had a tumble drier growing up so that must have been a hassle in winter.

No family help growing up.

I only know one SAHM who had a nanny and cleaner (and gardener and a night nanny when her baby was small) but she is filthy rich. I wouldn't say this is normal and most of us struggle on through without all that...

FWIW my parents could afford for Mum to be a SAHM and carry a mortgage and household on a single salary back in the 1980s and that is simply not possible for us. I HAVE to work and that is to pay our rent, not a mortgage.

Mum sometimes goads me that all the mums at school used to get together for tea and coffee all the time when we were small. I remind her most of the mums at DD's school go to work! God love her...
I dont think mum would suggest I have it easier than her. She was able to take 16 years off as a SAHM for us! A year would be pushing it for my upcoming maternity.

I was a mum in the 70s - two children, no maternity leave, no cleaner, no nanny etc. I survived. Kids did too and turned out more than OK. No surprise though that I was a second wave feminist. .

i was brung up 1 of 10 siblings and can identify with most things on here. i think i have it so much easier with my life compared to my mother.

I don't believe we're 'softer'.

My mum had no paid employment for well over a decade while bringing up her children - which is totally fair, but not a choice that most women I know have today - and she also had badly managed PND.

I know an awful lot of children of the 70s and 80s whose parents kept it together on the surface but were actually abusive, whether occasionally or persistently. PND often sounds to be a contributing factor, but doesn't make it ok. I know you say in your OP that you're not talking about PND - but then, neither were these mothers! That's the point. Many women had no idea about it back then. Or if they did, they thought it was something to ignore or to struggle against until you broke.

I suspect what's happening with you isn't so much a change in 'popular parenting ideas,' but the fact your parents' hard work means you now move in very rich circles, where people can afford nannies or cleaners as a matter of routine. If you were to look at more representative families, I think you might find both that work/life balance hasn't changed much, and that (thank goodness) there is now a slightly greater recognition that women's mental health matters and that PND isn't something you can just exclude from the equation as an oddity suffered by a very few.

my mom was the one who did the ironing

My DM took Valium.

My Mum often tells me she doesn't know how I do it. Work ft and run a home, that is.

She had 4 kids and tells me that. Often.

I tell her dh and I are a team but she tells me I do too much.

It's called empathy. My Mum has it. She sees that for all that life has got easier, it is still hard.

I was born in the 70's too. Both my parents were on tranquilizers and were asleep a lot. Not much housework got done. It wasn't an unhappy childhood as we lived in a pleasant area and the street we lived on had a lot of families, so I played out a lot. But nor am I in awe of what they did either. In fact a family home on the road we grew up in now goes for about £375,000 according to rightmove. My dad was a civil servant and was on a middle management type wage for the time, but I doubt a family in the same circumstances could ever afford to live there now without a hefty deposit.