to ask how most of our mothers coped?

[ItalianScallion]

I was born in the 70's. My mother was a SAHM and there were three of us kids. My father worked night shifts.

The youngest of us was born when I was four and the oldest was 7. My mother got us up, took us to school, took us to after school activities and sports whilst maintaining a ridiculously clean home, and doing all the laundry etc with no help or family support.

My DH has a similar upbringing except his mother and father were living abroad and travelled to several different countries to live because of the nature of FIL's work. My MIL worked nights and so they would literally hand over the kids to each other as one came home and the other went to work.

I feel that we were all raised pretty decently and I have a huge amount of respect for my parents and PIL.

Which brings me to my AIBU to think that we are getting softer? My mother and MIL shake their heads in disbelief when they hear of mothers who SAHM, have a nanny/au pair and a weekly cleaner and still talk about how they're not coping.

Don't get me wrong, parenting is a hard job but it seems that popular parenting ideas and methods are allowing us to make rods for our own backs.

Please understand I'm not referring to women with PND or any MH issues. This is MN so I know I'll be flamed by people with their anecdotes of difficult babies and their specific struggles, and I agree that there will always be exceptions to the rule. Still, I can't help but feel that we don't 'just get on with it' the way our mothers did.

[brasty]

My mum discharged herself as well. She was a single mum and she said the staff treated her appallingly.

[IntrusiveBastards]

I think mum would have loved that but things didn't go easier for her until she had my youngest brother. The rest of our births went poorly and we were poorly too unfortunately. When she did want to come home her mum, Mil and docs pushed her to stay more. For her though it was the best thing especially with eldest as she had enough of a worry when bringing baby home.

I don't think any of her circle considered or offered home births because she was very dubious when my sister considered it. Both my nan's had home births though funnily

[JanetBrown2015]

Intrusive, in 19861 my mother discharged herself the same day as she didn't like being in the hospital at all (she was one of the first NCT members) and then had the rest of us at home. I went home the same day too in the 80s and had one child at home in the late 90s.

I think medically if you feel up to it you can be a bit better off if you don't lie in bed too long after birth - my mother and her doctors took the same view in the 60s too and when I had mine in 80s and 90s so I don't think that is a very new thing in English medicine anyway.

(Neither of us had any help after the babies were born but were lucky enough not to be ill ).

[Scotinoz]

My Mum was a SAHM in the 70's with 3 kids and no family help, or outsourcing. My Dad worked silly hours, albeit in a well paid job. I had a great childhood ☺️ Mum cooked brilliantly, did the housework, sewed, knitted, and did lots of stuff with us. I guess that's just how it was. She was thought of as a bit hippy-ish though since she breast fed, used car seats/seat belts, didn't smoke and made us eat healthily 😅

I suppose I've just done the same as her. SAHM, 2 kids, had them overseas so no family, no cleaner/nursery/etc.

I think a lot of people do it that way.

[IntrusiveBastards]

Mum and Mil were both in hospital for over a week after birth enjoying tea and biscuits and rests! They were shocked at being released that same day from hospital.

We had less so less was expected. No baby classes, no groups at all, there was a library sing song or read but not on often and not easily accessible.

No p&c parking or changing. Both drove everywhere, no walking at all really. All their friends were doing the same thing at the same time- babies and marriage- and so they would have ready made friendship groups.

Anxiety and post natal depression was ignored and seen as failure or something uncomfortable that was a weakness. My mother cried that I could access the support that she and siblings couldn't.

There also was less of a focus on entertaining and always picking babies up and ignoring their cries in case you spoiled them was often done. Same for kids, they were expected to get on with it and make their own fun: no worries on activities or groups, just outside or in bedrooms entertaining ourselves or getting bored and ignored. Luckily mum and Mil ignored their mums who told them they were spoiling by playing with kids and babies and interacting.

[AntiGrinch]

Does anyone remember this kind of thing?

medium.com/@janeygodley_42972/if-a-glasgow-mum-could-blog-in-the-70s-27199784c55e

[brasty]

Intervention in the early years is much more cost effective than addressing similar problems in older children. For every £1 you spend in early years education, you save £3 later. Early years staff pick up issues with families, SEN and others issues as well, where early intervention matters.

[user1494949919]

there should be no need for early state intervention at three years if a parent is carrying out their role correctly

As honeylulu said part of the free nursery provision is about school readiness for the child - knowing how to act in group environments; being able to follow instructions in groups; being used to attending the same institution day after day; listening to adults who are not family or family friends. These are not things that a parent can really teach at home, however "correctly" they are carrying out their "role".

[honeylulu]

The early years education is for the benefit of the child not the parent. It's been proven that children who've done pre school sessions are more prepared for school life.

[RainbowsAndUnicorn]

I think their are more beneficial things in education to spend money on than the fifteen hours early education.

I can understand helping with childcare costs for workers but there should be no need for early state intervention at three years if a parent is carrying out their role correctly.

[InDubiousBattle]

So do you think that children whose parents SAH shouldn't go to school?

[annandale]

because taxes pay for things that are beneficial for society as a whole, like making sure that people educated through taxpayer-funded education can actually go back to work and pay more taxes themselves.

[whistlerx]

Indubious - the taxpayer is paying for your funded hours.

[JanetBrown2015]

I think this is a very interesting thread. Thank you to everyone who is contributing. I think my parents did have a washing machine in the 1960s - they waited 10 years from being married before having children for financial reasons which probably helped and my father (doctor, psychiatrist) was doing exams until he was over 30 because his first degree with physics (his father could not afford the fees for medicine as his father had had to wait until he was 49 to afford to have my father so was getting on a bit by then. Then luckily grants for students came out after WWII so my father started again after his BSc with a medical degree. They always shared domestic stuff.

My mother wornte a baby diary from when I was about 3 and my sister was 1 which I had typed out when she died. It shows on the days she made entries exactly what life was like in terms of us as children. It is very interesting to know what you were like before you have conscious memory of things. I also have kept a diary since I was 13 although it's not just about my children so probably won't be as interesting for them after I die as my mother's is.

I don't interfere with my grandchild at all but I am very please (a) she was breastfed as I fed my children and (b) that my daughter is back at work. (I always worked too). However if she or her husband chose not to I would not dreams of criticising or commenting.

One of the nicest things our mother did when the 3 of us had our children was not interfere, not insist things must be done a certain way and just be supportive and I hope I am/can be like tha twith all the grandchildren too as everyone does things their own way and plenty of different ways are perfectly good.

I would however find it hard if any of my chldren ended up in an unfair and sexist marriage. Mind you I doubt they would tolerate that even for a day as no one ever has in this family.

[eddiemairswife]

I was a mother in the 60s. I didn't have a washing machine until expecting the third, so I was handwashing nappies everyday. My 2nd was born when the 1st was 16 months, so that was 2 lots of nappies. No family lived near, so I had no help and we were new to the area. I was incredibly lucky, because I breastfed with no problems whatsoever, and all of them went 3 to 4 hours between feeds.
My husband took over the shopping and cooking, and continues to do so for his 2nd wife. We had very little money, but managed just about to keep our heads above water. The devoted grandmas loved buying clothes etc. for their grandchildren.
Surprisingly, I felt happy and fulfilled.I remember only one occasion when I was shedding tears of self-pity over a sinkful of dirty nappies, and I reminded myself it had been my choice to have 4 children in 6 years and stay at home to care for them. I had been able to go to university and get my degree and a teaching qualification, so there would be opportunities for me in the future.

[InDubiousBattle]

whistler, why would you think SAHPs get nursery for free? We paid for pre school for ds until he turned 3 and got the funded early years education hours (he was 2 when he started going 6 hours a week).

[JumpingJellybeanz]

Trinity I do have very good reasons which I think most people would agree with. I confess I was being a bit snarky because I don't like the way the thread is going, judging other mothers for their choices.

DS is 4 and has been going since he was 1. We live abroad so we chose to do it so he would be bilingual. He only gets English at home so we thought this was important. His health visitor agreed so his place was free.

I have autism so social services provide a home help for an hour twice a week and I pay for someone to come in for another 2 hours to do the jobs which are making my head hurt.

[DonaldJBottyburp]

My mum coped by letting my dad do everything, she was as lazy as fuck and spent our childhood worrying about her own enjoyment.

[Screwinthetuna]

Well I have it the other way around. My mum had help from hers and my mother in law likewise.
I'm like your mum; my husband works away and my parents and in laws live aboard. You cope because you have no choice

[Pinkypie12]

My mum was an undiagnosed autistic and we didn't find out she had it until my dd got diagnosed. Still resent her for it though as she is so horrible now and won't help me.

[LapinR0se]

When I was on maternity leave I had a daily cleaner and a mother's help. And I am a competent person who is in a position of significant responsibility at work.
I just found being a SAHM totally and utterly exhausting and ended up in tears on many an occasion so in the end got help.

[honeylulu]

Is that the sort of thing people are disparaging about?
Yes that is what she (my mum) means I think.
Please note from my post above that she also disapproves of my children being in nursery even though I am at work. I should be raising them myself, apparently like my perfect sister There's no pleasing my mother!

[InDubiousBattle]

I assume so Ecureuil. I'm a SAHM and my 3.5 year old goes to pre school 9 hours a week too.

[TrinityTaylor]

jumping - can i ask out of interest, why is that? do you have a disability that makes it difficult for you to keep the house clean etc? i understand sending your DS to nursery as it's good for them to socialise etc. How old is he?

I don't actually think people who disapprove are automatically jealous. I actually prefer to work and would not enjoy being a SAHM again. I wouldn't mind a cleaner but have no need for one as live in a smallish house.

[whistlerx]

Fine for SAHMs to send their children to nursery - but not sure why others should have to pay for this through their taxes.