to ask how most of our mothers coped?

[ItalianScallion]

I was born in the 70's. My mother was a SAHM and there were three of us kids. My father worked night shifts.

The youngest of us was born when I was four and the oldest was 7. My mother got us up, took us to school, took us to after school activities and sports whilst maintaining a ridiculously clean home, and doing all the laundry etc with no help or family support.

My DH has a similar upbringing except his mother and father were living abroad and travelled to several different countries to live because of the nature of FIL's work. My MIL worked nights and so they would literally hand over the kids to each other as one came home and the other went to work.

I feel that we were all raised pretty decently and I have a huge amount of respect for my parents and PIL.

Which brings me to my AIBU to think that we are getting softer? My mother and MIL shake their heads in disbelief when they hear of mothers who SAHM, have a nanny/au pair and a weekly cleaner and still talk about how they're not coping.

Don't get me wrong, parenting is a hard job but it seems that popular parenting ideas and methods are allowing us to make rods for our own backs.

Please understand I'm not referring to women with PND or any MH issues. This is MN so I know I'll be flamed by people with their anecdotes of difficult babies and their specific struggles, and I agree that there will always be exceptions to the rule. Still, I can't help but feel that we don't 'just get on with it' the way our mothers did.

[Shewhomustgowithoutname]

One thing I have noticed is that on days when I don't put on tv or sign in to laptop I get a lot more done.
When I was young all the local DCs gathered and walked themselves to school. There was no parking problems outside my school. Same with Brownies and Guides. A group would get together and go to tennis in the park or swimming. We would have been safe all of us walking together. I noticed that elementary school children here are each taken by their own mum/gran. The mum do not talk to other mums and the children do not talk to the other children.
I used to walk my DC to school and if I met up with another parent we would go together or one mum would take a few children.
I am surprised at the number of mums who work but their partners do not. I do not remember such a situation when I was a child or young mum.
I think there is too much expectation. Mums I know rent for now because they want a large detached house and wont start in small house or flat or doer upper.
I am glad that I am not aged 20 and looking to the current future. It seems so hard to be so perfect

[FreeNiki]

My mum would have been one of those struggling on to a bus with is and her shopping. It happened then, it happened now but women with cars feel aggrieved they may have to walk a few metres to the supermarket door.

[BandeauSally]

Yes it's not a case of then being easier than now. Its a case of individual circumstances. Some people have a harder life than their parents some have an easier life. It's just life.

[anon1987]

I don't know anyone personally who's a sahm with a cleaner and a nanny?!?!?

Most women I know work full time AND take care of the kids, many of them are also single parents without a father on the scene.

I'm a sahm with 3 children 4,7,11 (youngest is disabled), my partner works a good 12 hours a day 6 days a week.
I have no help whatsoever, haven't had a day off in over a year. I don't go to the salon, or go for a stroll on my own or out with my friends.
So I suppose you could say that I'm quite old fashioned in that respect.

I think people have higher expectations nowadays, they think their house, looks, relationship, social life all has to be perfect.

In the old days 9/10 when you were a mum, that's all you were a mum and a wife, you didn't go out dolled up on the piss, posting selfies on Fb, taking spar weekends etc.
You just grew up became a mother and got on with it.

There's this constant yearning for perfection and that's the problem.

[BoysofMelody]

My mother was a SAHM and there were three of us kids. My father worked night shifts.

We were born in the late 70s/early 80s My mum worked went back to from when I was little, but she had

1. the same holiday off from school as us
   
2. a job she was home from most nights by 4:15.
   
3. free childcare from grandparents who lived close by
   
4. affordable housing
   
5. a full time permanent position with decent employment conditions and little prospect of redundancy.
   
6. and of later years, paid my gran to do the cleaning.
   
   My sister has just had her first child and the practical and financial burdens of being a parent will be far greater for her than my mum.

[GraceGrape]

My mum was a SAHM in the 1970s, until we were at school when she started to work part-time. I work 3 days a week and have done since both my children were 6 months. My Mum thinks I have it much harder than she did. Although it was the 70s, she had a washing machine and vacuum cleaner. She got a microwave fairly early in the 80s. The only extra household gadget we have is a dishwasher. She thinks having to juggle work and childcare is much harder than it was for her being a SAHM.

One of the biggest things she appreciates however is that I have financial independence and the choice to be able to work. My parents had a joint account, but my Dad liked to keep tabs on how money was being spent. She also didn't have access to a car, which was hard as we lived in a small village when I was born.

[consciencemakescowards]

Very interesting stuff!

My parents are/were excellent but I don't recall any guilt about not spending "quality time" with us. We were expected to amuse ourselves a good deal. We were pretty happy just fitting in around shopping, diy, visiting obscure relatives!

Entire Saturdays being given over to activities or outings? Not that i recall.

Today, women are working more and organising fun stuff, reading to their children, very involved with schoolwork etc.

I think we may be the only generation to attempt this, it is very hard!

[FreeNiki]

It's other stuff too. You read so many threads about parents allowing to control sleep and control everything. They'll do it when they're ready.

Head over to potty training....theres a 5 year old still in nappies at school and regularly shitting the floor at home, has been assessed by everyone and is NT and no medical issues.

when his mum finally got tough on him he got violent and punched and kicked his mother so hard she saw stars and she was dealing with him all softly softly again and to back off .

I dont remember being at school at 4-5 & having any kids in nappies or being totally unable to use a toilet back in the 1980s. But it's almost considered normal now.

[hellokittymania]

My mother had rubella during her first trimester without knowing it. When I was born, The doctor told her I would be a vegetable and she had very little support from family or anyone really. She eventually met a few other parents and they started a group. I really wish she had had the Internet in those days so she could have found more resources and people to reassure her that everything would be OK

[ItalianScallion]

Thanks for all the thoughtful and interesting replies.

Can I clarify that my mum started working once my youngest sibling started school, so she wasn't laying about sipping wine from 9am-3.30pm.

[mylaststraw]

Don't really get your point OP. Loads of us manage kids/house/after school etc with no help (single parent/DP works away, whatever). Yes, we have more appliances, but usually the kids have busier social lives. I would guess that most ppl who have a cleaner do it because they also add work to the list of things they do, which was not as common a generation or so ago. So really, we're not becoming softer, we're trying to take on too much.
TBH, if you're a sahp with a nanny and cleaner, and you're still not coping you're not trying hard enough (barring MH, disability etc obviously) )

[corythatwas]

We get that she wasn't laying about sipping wine, OP, but how was her life so much harder than that of the majority of women today- who also cannot afford nannies and cleaners?

[corythatwas]

My grandmother had a washing machine in the 40s. And a fridge and vacuum cleaner in the 50s. My parents had a dishwasher in the 80s (we still haven't got one).

[ItalianScallion]

Laststraw, it's not the majority of mothers that have all this help, absolutely agree. I'm far from wealthy, and I don't move in these circles but my job role supplies a service to this type of woman.

[WithCheesePlease]

Yep, my mum had 4 kids and also minded up to 10 kids at a time for neighbours/friends etc to make some money. Madness

[ItalianScallion]

Cory, it quite probably wasn't. I tried to use caveats in my OP as there is no possibility of making a blanket statement like this about society, especially so many different factors to consider.

It's raised some really interesting conversations though so I regret nothing!

[mylaststraw]

Oh, ok OP. In that case I'm with your dm's and Mil in shaking my head in disbelief . A sahp with nanny and cleaner who still can't cope? We're not getting softer, there's always been lazy folk around!

[corythatwas]

Now I'm totally confused OP. If you don't have the kind of help you mentioned, then why do you sit wondering how our mothers coped- why not just look at yourself?

And why not ponder -as my mother did- how women cope today without the servants of yesteryear?

[corythatwas]

Sorry, cross-post.

[Freyanna]

My DM was a SAHM too.

DM had a cleaning lady. Sheets went to the laundrette, then she discovered 'Bri-nylon', so sheets and poor DF's shirts were non-iron and static!

DM phoned the grocers and shopping was delivered.
DM had a charge account at the best shops in town, with limitless spending.
DM had a Mini to go about in.
Holidays abroad and cruises.
We also had a gardener.

[Want2bSupermum]

My parents have told me that we have it much harder than they did. My dad visited and saw everyone going off to work. Said that it's a shame families don't have a choice because of the high cost of housing.

My mother didn't cope. She had 3 kids close in age and PND after me. We regularly went without dinner because she couldn't organize herself to get food on the table. My dad realized she couldn't cope so hired help. We ended up with a cook, a nanny, an au pair (2nd pair of hands for the nanny because my brother was a handful), a gardener, a cleaner and a housekeeper to organize everyone.

My parents eventually divorced and the only help that remained was a cleaner. I hated having so many employees in our home. I don't have the best relationship with my mother. She knows we are doing great financially and thinks I should stop work. I have a career that I like. If my DH decided to leave tomorrow I could provide. Yes we would need to move to a much cheaper area and I would most probably move back to the UK as at least my dad is close by.

[Tokelau]

I think life is different for every generation, obviously depending on financial circumstances.

I was a SAHM for a while, but for the rest of the time, I worked part time, had two DC, no cleaner, nanny or help around the house. DH worked long hours, and we didn't see much of him, so I did pretty much everything.

My mother had one child, didn't work after she got married, apart from helping my father in his business. She had a car, a cleaner, a gardener, an odd job man (not permanently) and occasional daytime babysitters.

My grandmother, however, married in her twenties, and waited nine years for the birth of her only very much longed for baby. A year later her husband died and she was devastated. There were no benefits then, so she went back to work. She worked in the family business, but was paid less than others because she was family and only a woman. (She also wanted to stay on at school but had to leave at fourteen because she was just a girl). Her mother looked after the baby. It was wartime, so there was nothing to buy in the shops, so after working all day, she would cut up old clothes to make clothes for her baby. I honestly don't know how she coped with it all.

[OlennasWimple]

I'm a similar age to you, OP

We didn't have lots of after school activities: we had one or two things (ballet, music lessons, Brownies type things) but no Mandarin for four year olds type classes. Minimal homework to do, certainly nothing at primary school. No such thing as a play date (we went outside to play with the other kids on the street, depending who was out at the same time). We never had birthday parties. There was no "keeping up with the Joneses" pressure like there can be at the school gate now.

We didn't have thousands of toys, or lots of clothes, so it was easier to keep the house clean (I swear my mum invented Kondo style minimalism). Food and cooking was basic but good (meat and two veg, roast on a Sunday, bolognese was adventurous twice a month)

Just a very different way of living altogether.

[ScarlettFreestone]

I may be missing something but the description in your OP doesn't seem particularly different to what most people do today.

My Mum and I both have two children.
We both used cloth nappies.
We both breastfed.
We both were SAHMs until the DC started school.
We both returned to work full time. (I work longer hours).
We both maintain our homes to a high standard without cleaners or sending out ironing.

The biggest difference is that I require wrap around childcare. We were left alone in the house to walk ourselves to the bus stop in the morning and we let ourselves into an empty house after school to get on with our homework.

TBH my DC are probably sensible enough to do the same but it's not socially acceptable these days.

There are people who have cleaners and nanny's etc while being a SAHM but to be honest if they can afford it and it helps them get through the day, why not? Much better to do that than be miserable.

[ItalianScallion]

Cory, I still do feel that we are getting a little 'softer' as a whole. Someone mentioned upthread about 18 year olds rushing off to war in the 1940s and 18 year olds now having to have debate shut down because they can't handle disagreement. I even feel that in my working life I've seen attitudes towards work change and this creeping sense of entitlement growing. It's like some people know that they don't really have to try very hard as there is a safety net we have in society that easily converts to a hammock. I don't want to derail my own thread but I think I just have lots of people need to buck up a bit.