to ask how most of our mothers coped?

[ItalianScallion]

I was born in the 70's. My mother was a SAHM and there were three of us kids. My father worked night shifts.

The youngest of us was born when I was four and the oldest was 7. My mother got us up, took us to school, took us to after school activities and sports whilst maintaining a ridiculously clean home, and doing all the laundry etc with no help or family support.

My DH has a similar upbringing except his mother and father were living abroad and travelled to several different countries to live because of the nature of FIL's work. My MIL worked nights and so they would literally hand over the kids to each other as one came home and the other went to work.

I feel that we were all raised pretty decently and I have a huge amount of respect for my parents and PIL.

Which brings me to my AIBU to think that we are getting softer? My mother and MIL shake their heads in disbelief when they hear of mothers who SAHM, have a nanny/au pair and a weekly cleaner and still talk about how they're not coping.

Don't get me wrong, parenting is a hard job but it seems that popular parenting ideas and methods are allowing us to make rods for our own backs.

Please understand I'm not referring to women with PND or any MH issues. This is MN so I know I'll be flamed by people with their anecdotes of difficult babies and their specific struggles, and I agree that there will always be exceptions to the rule. Still, I can't help but feel that we don't 'just get on with it' the way our mothers did.

[user1493759849]

My mum says the exact opposite. She didn't have to even think about working because my dad was paid a living wage and housing was far more affordable. She had an extended family including my grandparents who were young and able to help a lot. She herself was younger than most mums today. She says she doesn't understand how women do it now when they're older, grandparents aren't able to help as much, extended families are often split across the country and often mums have to work at least part time. Not that I'm saying she's right necessarily but it's an interesting opposite perspective.

THIS ^ by peachgreen.

I strongly disagree that mums who raised kids during the 60's and 70's and 80's had it harder than mums do now, for all the reasons peachgreen posted.

Mums who have been raising kids for the past 25 years have had it the hardest, as in addition to being the 'perfect mother and housewife,' and doing everything that goes along with that; it's been expected of them to have a career coz they are classed as an under achiever if they don't! PLUS the man's wage has often not been enough to live on. So that was another reason for having to work.

So many women during the 90's and noughties and twenty-tens have often had a difficult and demanding career, AND had to be mum and housewife and do every goddamn thing else THEIR mothers (and grans and great grans etc,) had to do. But the mums and grans etc often did not have to go to work.

And I, like many like me, did not have any help whatsoever from family for various reasons. It was very tough, with having a demanding career too. I would NOT wish to go through it again. I would not change having my kids, but I WOULD change being a working mother.

The next generation of mothers who are having kids now are going to have it even tougher.

My mother coped just fine, as did the rest of the women of her generation, and the generation before. She certainly had it bloody easier than I did! And it's not a 'race to the bottom' I am stating facts.

[welshgirlwannabe]

But op most SAHM dont have a nanny, a gardener, an cleaner etc etc. I don't fully understand your question. Are you asking how mothers in previous generations coped with the kids and house work? Because, in all honesty, just coping with the kids and housework is not nearly as difficult as coping with kids, housework, and career.

That's what makes it harder OP. My mother was a SAHM for most of my childhood. My dad's wages were enough for a family of 6 to live on comfortably. I don't have that option for my family of 4.

My mum, and by the sounds of it, yours too coped because their life was not that difficult

[scottishdiem]

I think a few things have changed. There is so much more to manage now in a childs life now that wasnt an issue previously.

I walked to school from a young age. These days that would get you reported to social services probably.

From about 7 I could play in my street. A year later I was down at the beach with friends. These days someone would probably see kids that age at the beach and call the coast guard.

From age 10 I went to and from Scout meetings on my own. The scout hall was 1.5 miles away and I walked or cycled. Scout meetings finished at 9pm or later. This meant I was often not in bed until 10pm. Which would give some many parents here on MN palpitations at the thought.

Children are harder to look after now because they are looked after 24/7. This is a relatively new phenomenon. Yes, I had bumps and scapes and stitches (four of them on a finger) but I was not monitored and checked and assesses and managed. I had a computer (ZX spectrum) that I could play for hours and TV and videos for other times on top of that. Turned out fine so it wasnt damaging.

[HeyHoThereYouGo657]

BandeauSally

The only catty one I see is you not the OP

Always one derails what is an interesting subject.

[Lillieslamb]

I agree that there may be some truth in spending more time with our children now, whereas in the past it often wasn't the case. Dh's nana said she put her children at the end of the garden/in the garage in their prams when they were crying, so she couldn't hear them and do the housework.

Both dh and I don't have too many memories of our parents playing with us. That's not to criticise them, but it's true. We were left to play put and do our own thing, and it was exciting of our parents decided to play with us. Now as parents we are always interacting and playing with DD (maybe too much, I don't know), and will prioritise this over other things.

Also mil often talks about how much harder it is to be a sahp now, as parents just can't afford it.

[corythatwas]

My DM suffered a lot with anxiety and depression despite a very secure middle class upbringing. My granddad, who had grown up in real poverty, also suffered from anxiety and depression. I am a much calmer person, though in many ways less well off than DM (and better off than granddad). Dd has inherited the tendency to anxiety. Just luck of the draw.

[BertieBotts]

Having to just get on with it yes. Less comparison with other people - no FB etc.

Lower standards in many ways. Hygiene standards have changed. Nutrition expectations have changed. Parental involvement in children's lives, entertainment, discipline have changed. And YY to what LRD says about some parents really not coping and taking it out on DC in abusive ways but this being hidden under the surface.

Perhaps fewer distractions and lower expectations too. I know I spend loads of time faffing about on the internet and I expect to be able to have some hobbies such as playing guitar and photography which perhaps I wouldn't have expected to have as a 70s mum?

[BandeauSally]

No hey ho, OP was having a dig with that comment.

[Goldfishjane]

"Which brings me to my AIBU to think that we are getting softer? My mother and MIL shake their heads in disbelief when they hear of mothers who SAHM, have a nanny/au pair and a weekly cleaner and still talk about how they're not coping. "

Well, the nanny, au pair, butler type will have made the same comments fifty years ago. So some people are and were always like that.

It's not a sign of regular folk changing, there's still a lot of hard work being done and done well.

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

I hadn't thought about hygiene and nutrition, but yes. Such a big one!

I also wonder about careers. Don't Brits today work ridiculous hours compared to lots of countries? Looking at the hours a lot of working parents put in, they seem longer than the hours our (mostly) dads worked back then.

[ineedaholidaynow]

I think quite a few SAHMs were quite lonely in the 70s and there was quite a high use of ADs.

I know DM felt quite isolated and her whole life revolved round the family and she didn't have much of her own social life. She did all the housework and childcare, my DF only did DIY. He worked long hours but came home pretty much every lunchtime and expected her to be there and have lunch sorted for him, so with that and the school run, she couldn't really go anywhere in the day apart from food shopping.

Also find it interesting when mums are advised that CBeebies is your friend when trying to cope with new born and toddler, and wonder how mums coped in the days before daytime kids tv.

[OrlandaFuriosa]

I was brought up in the decade before. We were loved but benign neglect was part if it. We were expected to be bored for some of the time and just get on with it - that was the point of hobbies. I did go to Brownies but that was it. No other after school activities that I can recall. And my father's wage was just enough to cope on, including providing some support to his mother. My mother was bored out of her mind. So when she had an excuse she took part time work ( my father didn't like his wife working though it would have made things easier money wise).

[MakeItRain]

I think my mum's life as a young mum (60's and 70's) was harder than mine. Cold house (no heating except one coal fire for a long time), no car, no washing machine, part time work. She was stressed and unhappy a lot of the time. I'm a single parent of 2, and I work full time, but I appreciate all the gadgets and technology that make my life easier (and warmer!)

However, I think like anything you can't say "they" had it tough or "we're soft" now. Everyone's lives are different. There are many, many people today whose lives are far from easy, and there were many people in the 70's whose lives were relatively "easy".

[Emma2803]

I think my mum had it tough, she has 4 under 6 and didn't have a washing machine until the baby was about 4!!!

She was a sahm and got a part time job when we were all left primary school. She did all the housework, childcare, cooking, homework, made us clothes etc. I think she is amazing!!

Though she thinks I have it tough too as I do all housework, childcare, cooking and work full time but I only have one toddler and make great use of my tumble dryer, dishwasher etc!!

I do think we are a bit more spoilt than our mother's generation in a way as we have more time saving gadgets and have more "me time" so we come to expect it more, whereas our mums just had to get on with it.

[deadringer]

My mum had it very hard. She had very little money, 14 kids, a hands off dh and no support whatsoever. My grandparents on both sides were all dead before my parents married and my mum was an only child so she really had no one. I can't even imagine what her life was like. The daily grind must have been just hellish. We lived in a small rented house in a rough area , no washing machine or dryer, no car etc. My df died when the youngest was only 6, how my mum coped I will never know, she is an amazing woman.

[Biffsboys]

@scottishdiem - you've got that so right ! We've developed into a world of over protective parents.

[corythatwas]

ineedaholiday, there are MNers who don't have a telly now either. We didn't have one until my youngest was about 6. Perfectly doable.

We also didn't have a car, and still don't have a tumble drier. None of those things represent any actual hardship.

My mum had plenty of time for hobbies; she was an avid reader, learnt several foreign languages during my childhood and did beautiful embroidery. And played the piano.

[maudismyfavouritepony]

I'm with you OP. My mum had 5 under 5 and no dishwasher, fridge or freezer and we were immaculate, well fed and god fearing.
My dad worked and did nothing in the house but did do the garden and DIY.
I have 2 and work part time childminding and some freelance stuff. My house is a mess

My reasoning is:

• My mum never entertained us or played with us as she never had time, now we parents are expected to do all the chores plus be a full on entertainer / character in their games etc.
  
• We had so few toys they took up no room, now all the toys have little parts that take an age to find and sort sodding toy manufacturers
  

-All my clothes were brown or shades of

• No homework at primary school except the odd reading book
  

No competitive mumming - I had no idea how other people lived!

[KimJongCunt]

Bloody helldeadringer

Hats off to your mum. That does sound very particularly difficult.

[gluteustothemaximus]

I work full time from home and have 3 kids.

No cleaner. No nanny. No family help.

Frankly the idea of being a SAHM with 3 children, and not working full time, sounds like a piece of piss.

So from my point of view, my mother had it easier.

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

We've developed into a world of over protective parents.

You say this, but some of this protectiveness isn't a bad thing. I grew up with those terrifying adverts about firework safety and chip pans and so on (not that my mum remotely took the latter to heart). But I hear far less about small children with horrible burns these days. And, sad as it is to think, I wonder if most children are also safer from the sorts of predators who I think did know where to look for unattended little ones. It's longer ago, but my dad remembers it just being quite a normal thing for someone to try to expose themselves to little boys if those little boys were in the park alone. We'd throw a shit fit if there was a known flasher hanging around a play park today.

We all think of over-protective parents as the ones whose children don't have an Enid Blyton lifestyle of climbing trees and scraping their knees, but it's not all about that, is it?

[FreeNiki]

My mum did it alone with no car, no washing machine, no nothing.

We had to pull our weight by helping and carrying shopping bags and bags to and from the laundrette.

Now you get women on here literally losing their shit over not getting a parent and child parking space at a supermarket.

How did life get perceived to be so difficult when life is so much more convenient.

[MrsJayy]

My mum had to get married at 19 she was seperated 2 years later had a series of cash in hand jobs that she worked round me a disabled sick child while keeping the house spotless she also had an eating disorder and took valium I don't know how she managed she remarried when i was 9 to a drunk, she had a pretty shitty time of it tbh

[corythatwas]

You get some women like that, FreeNiki, and not least on Mumsnet. But in RL I see women struggling onto the bus with their shopping and children because there are no affordable food shops on the council estate where they live.

[MrsJayy]

Actually had fabulous family support though mum 1 was of 9 and her sisters and her mum all helped each other out.