to ask how most of our mothers coped?

[ItalianScallion]

I was born in the 70's. My mother was a SAHM and there were three of us kids. My father worked night shifts.

The youngest of us was born when I was four and the oldest was 7. My mother got us up, took us to school, took us to after school activities and sports whilst maintaining a ridiculously clean home, and doing all the laundry etc with no help or family support.

My DH has a similar upbringing except his mother and father were living abroad and travelled to several different countries to live because of the nature of FIL's work. My MIL worked nights and so they would literally hand over the kids to each other as one came home and the other went to work.

I feel that we were all raised pretty decently and I have a huge amount of respect for my parents and PIL.

Which brings me to my AIBU to think that we are getting softer? My mother and MIL shake their heads in disbelief when they hear of mothers who SAHM, have a nanny/au pair and a weekly cleaner and still talk about how they're not coping.

Don't get me wrong, parenting is a hard job but it seems that popular parenting ideas and methods are allowing us to make rods for our own backs.

Please understand I'm not referring to women with PND or any MH issues. This is MN so I know I'll be flamed by people with their anecdotes of difficult babies and their specific struggles, and I agree that there will always be exceptions to the rule. Still, I can't help but feel that we don't 'just get on with it' the way our mothers did.

So you know then that some 18 year olds in the 1940's had less shit to deal with than plenty of 18 year olds now. Good, glad we agree.

Sorry to hear that yaya

My dm was a sahm until I was 10, db was 12. She had two jobs, one in the morning, one in the evening. House was always well maintained, and she had a bastarding twin tub washing machine (if you can even call it that).

We didn't have half the toys and crap my dd's have.

Though, mum did teach us to polish, Hoover and use the fucking twin tub. We were taught to cook too.

My df would be on night shift, so we'd know he was home if something ever cropped up.

It did help my dad out that dm worked, even though dfs job was secure. She liked her own money. Like mother like daughter

So you know then that some 18 year olds in the 1940's had less shit to deal with than plenty of 18 year olds now. Good, glad we agree.

I wasnt the one who said they didnt.

did or whatever.
I just made an observation relating to previous discussion. I never said 18 year olds today had it easy compared to the 40s.

Ah ok. Had just skim read.

Me too, only copped on when the OP told me :)

My mother had a full time live in maid (in South Africa) and we were loosely supervisd generally. I think expectations of parenting were far lower in the 70's and they had more free time than many parents have today.

Yes was talking to pyong. She is refusing to respond to me because she knows what I said was correct and not the absolute and utter bollocks she claimed it was.

This is an interesting thread, but it's hard to really gauge whether life for the average mother has improved or not just from personal experience or anecdote. It's too hard to generalise, since when you actually look at the figures families are still very diverse in the way parents divide domestic labour and childcare. I believe it's about 1/3 with one full time worker, one sahp, 1/3 two full time workers, and 1/3 a mixture of parttime workers.

No one has really mentioned Dads' participation in childcare. My DF was perhaps a bit ahead of his time (because Mum forced him to be), but he did a lot of the parenting, cooking, and cleaning. I was born in the mid70s and Mum went back to work once we started school. My grandfather did none of that "women's work".

Ironically, I now find myself in a very traditional set up (mainly due to ridiculous childcare costs), and I really quite enjoy it. I am a sahp, without a dryer, dishwasher, car, cleaner or any childcare or family to help nearby. I make my own clothes and cook everything (just about) from scratch. Most days I quite enjoy the autonomy of it, even if it is exhausting. The things I struggle with are the lack of status generally, feeling like a bit of a traitor to feminism (even though that is not the case in reality) and not having a community of other mothers-at-home that I might have had in the past. I think this is what really helped women in the past to cope. I have thought a lot about the situation I am in and feel quite lucky in many ways, but I think the worst scenario would be to have a full time job and still end up doing all the domestic labour. I also would be unhappy if my DH did not value what I do and considered it somehow beneath what he does; which was very common in the 60s and 70s.

My mother had a spotless house and no help. She also did the administration for the family business once I was in bed. My brother didn't sleep much so he was often her around or ill. A great fuss was made for him being ill. She liked ill. She coped by being a complete narcissist and martyr with no emotion or loving care for me. She protected herself in this way and I was definitely her least favourite child. I created very little work for her by hiding in my bedroom much of the time or playing out. She was emotionally abusive and physically at times. As was my father, who was a workaholic. I reached adulthood feeling totally and utterly useless and unloved. So no, she didn't cope.

It's got easier in the sense I own a washing machine and a dishwasher and have access to disposable napppies. It's also got easier in the sense that most men are probably more hands on with family life than they were. However it's got a whole lot harder if you have to work full time whilst still looking after the kids and home. Plenty of families, ourselves included are forced into high fiving each other at the door as they work different shift patterns. The next time I have to force myself to wake up only 1.5 hours sleep after a 12 hour night shift so dh can go to work and I look after the kids I'll remind myself how much easier I have it. Like a pp said my house would be spotless if I had 6 hours every weekday to clean it. Plus in the 1970s kids had a lot more freedom and we're allowed to play out more. Nowdays parents are having to do the entertaining far more due to social media putting the fear of God into us. There's also much more pressure nowdays to be that 'perfect parent' due to Facebook and forums like this.

I'm a SAHM. None of my friends with small kids have cleaners or nannies unless they work full time.

Surely people with that lifestyle and the money to fund it exist in every generation? It's either your normal, or it's not.

A - there were people in 70's that had paid help

B - closer support networks as less people moved away

C - except for sahm of school aged dc, it was seen as ok to ignore children and get on with things

I was born in 70's but my mum went back to work once youngest in school and had no support network - her ability to work full time with 3 kids and no help and keep on top of things is far more impressive

My Mum said that when I was little most of the women in the village we lived in at the time were on Valium. She didn't have things too hard looking back. She always had the latest gadgets . I'm 47 and we had a dishwasher most of my life, microwave as soon as they were out. There was a household rota for housework that meant she got to sit down at 6pm and generally tended not to move after that. She had access to disposable nappies when my Brother was little. I was always in a car seat seat and she had a folding Maclaren buggy, an automatic washing machine fairly early on. We always had central heating plus both my parent had a car.

She never used to tire of telling me how when my Brother started school she was so exhausted that she sat down fir a few days before she could do anything. How lovely to have that option, when my youngest started school I was chasing around sorting her electric bed and a myriad of other things for her. She never was in the position where she had to look after sick parents as hers sadly both died suddenly and my Dad's parents were fine until I was in my 30's. DH and I on the other hand had to juggle children and sick parents for all of DS's life until a year ago (he is 13) and it really took its toll on both our health though we are slowly recovering now.

My late Mum worked full time. There were 3 kids and a DH that did nothing round the house or with us (other then shout at us and resent our existence). There was no cleaner, no support from GPs. Life for my DM was awful. Her health both physical and mental were shot and she died young . She had a stroke in her 49s. She did get great happiness from us and our DC but generally she had a sad, hard life.

I am so bloody relieved that my DD has a supportive husband and is able for the time being to be a SAHM mum. She's not soft and life still has plenty of challenges.

I think since contraception and abortion have become available, having children has mostly become a definitive choice and as such, people are expected to parent them as a verb. I was surprised when the recent publicity about Ian Brady came out and it emerged the youngest had been out alone at a fair in the dark but it was normal then I gather?

Ignore bandeau and her bleating....
My nan was a teenager in the 40's (recently passed away) and they had to chip in a lot more/ housework was labour intensive etc. Until she married she was an extra pair of hands.
My dad was an only child and a later child- she was mid thirties. They bought their house post war and lived in one room, no tick for furniture just time. She always worked until she was 75. I adored my nan.
My mum had us very young (x2) and two much later within the same marriage. She didn't work until she was in her 40s and was a fairly hands on parent. My dad was severely mentally ill and worked sporadically. She wouldn't leave him so we suffered the broken bones and mental cruelty: all of us bear different scars. She never had a pot to piss in and I have always worked. I just wouldn't sit back and not do anything...
And I have three teens (two with mental health problems- one that spent a long time in hospital) so I know what they go through. I am glad it's now and not 1940- he never would have seen the light of day again and he is at uni....

My mum had four kids six and under at one point. Worked full time as a teacher. Longest mat leave was 4 months. Only family nearby alcoholic sister and disabled brother. Childcare options v limited as most mums didn't work. Dad worked ft, long hours, v traditional roles. Home cooked dinners every night. School shirts always ironed. And one year she MADE ALL OUR CHRISTMAS PRESENTS FROM SCRATCH. I am pregnant with number 2 and I am in total awe of her.

"My DM took Valium."

Mine too. The trope of the not coping housewife from that era is well worn - see 'Mother's Little Helper' by the Stones. tbh I don't think people did cope all that well.

Individual experiences will differ in difficulty no matter the decade.

My Mum had an eight year age gap, loads of family support and sent my older sister to nursery at two despite being a SAHM.

I have a cleaner but no family support in fact I have to support my disabled parents. I only have one at the moment but work 30 hours a week part time.

I did nights, dh did days....plus I had the children in the day. Damn near killed me. That was in the early 2000's not the 1970's.

Mum was a sahm in a lovely village with tons of friends. Sure it was hard work but generally lovely life.

Generation before had it far tougher. The one before that harder still. My great granny stuck her head in gas oven after her youngest was born (obv pnd) and was found by my 11 year granny who then had to step up as mother. She only told us this just before she died and incredibly was one of the most cheerful loving person ive ever met.

I was a kid in the 70s. My mum had 3 children in 4 years. To get a mortgage and move out of london ( which was the ambition of every person she knew) she not only looked after us but also spent every evening typing up university dissertations. My dad worked 5.5 days a week at his main job and had a second job and they saved a £1000 in 18 months. I still look at this with admiration

They had extremely strict routines, left their babies in the peak in the garden, used play pens and believed crying was good for the lungs.
I think in my house, the order of priority was
Looking after my father
Housekeeping
Ensuring children were well behaved
Being perfectly turned out at all times
Entertaining children/keeping them happy