to ask how most of our mothers coped?

[ItalianScallion]

I was born in the 70's. My mother was a SAHM and there were three of us kids. My father worked night shifts.

The youngest of us was born when I was four and the oldest was 7. My mother got us up, took us to school, took us to after school activities and sports whilst maintaining a ridiculously clean home, and doing all the laundry etc with no help or family support.

My DH has a similar upbringing except his mother and father were living abroad and travelled to several different countries to live because of the nature of FIL's work. My MIL worked nights and so they would literally hand over the kids to each other as one came home and the other went to work.

I feel that we were all raised pretty decently and I have a huge amount of respect for my parents and PIL.

Which brings me to my AIBU to think that we are getting softer? My mother and MIL shake their heads in disbelief when they hear of mothers who SAHM, have a nanny/au pair and a weekly cleaner and still talk about how they're not coping.

Don't get me wrong, parenting is a hard job but it seems that popular parenting ideas and methods are allowing us to make rods for our own backs.

Please understand I'm not referring to women with PND or any MH issues. This is MN so I know I'll be flamed by people with their anecdotes of difficult babies and their specific struggles, and I agree that there will always be exceptions to the rule. Still, I can't help but feel that we don't 'just get on with it' the way our mothers did.

I'm a child of the 70s.
My mum is incredulous and disparaging about SAHM these days who have a cleaner and send their children to nursery part of the week and still say they are exhausted. (I don't know any SAHM who have a nanny though!)
Having said that, I work full time and commute (two kids) and she is rather disapproving of that too. Lots of "palmed off/farmed out/dumped" comments about my poor, poor children in nursery and after school clubs!
Got me thinking about the differences between us (in our families anyway.

Babyhood - Mum did all of that but it was a very much "get on with it" approach as the man of the house was expected to come first. Mum said she would go downstairs and get Dad's breakfast before tending to baby, even if it was yelling its head off. Naps were taken in the pram in the garden. If baby was fed, nappy changed and not ill, it was considered "just overtired" if crying and left to drop off. Combined breast and bottle feeding and cloth nappies which must have been a pain. Weaned babies were fed out of jars though - no steaming and pureeing organic veg. Her parents (my grandparents) were quite young and helped out a lot. My Dad never changed a nappy or administered a bottle.
I think the baby stage is harder now as it is drummed into us that babies should not be ignored or left to cry, and that we should stimulate and entertain them. I did sleep train mine (using gentle methods) but did feel that if they were awake I should be spending quality time with them, not doing housework (I would tear around cleaning the house during the naps!). With my youngest I shared the ML with my husband and that was the best thing ever!!! It made him appreciate the work (and thinking) involved with caring for small children (I'd always been the default parent until then) and it made going back to work so much easier knowing she would be home with Daddy for the first few months. Mine never had jars - all food was home made.
Childcare - Mum did all of that but there wasn't really anything in the way of "entertaining" us. We were expected to amuse ourselves and not get under her feet. We would never have dared say we were bored. We weren't allowed to play in the street (it was "common" apparently) but we did have a big garden and were allowed to go to the beach to play on our own (no swimming without adult present though). She did the school run (unusually she did all the driving in our family as our Dad cycled everywhere, including work) and we did an average of two extra curricular activities a week like Brownies/Guides/Swimming/Rollerskating etc. She said that was enough "ferrying about" and I don't remember minding.
My parents weren't hard up (we went to private school etc) but we weren't "treated" regularly. Maybe one day out each school holiday, the rest of the time we fitted around what our parents needed or wanted to do.
Meanwhile my two were in full time nursery from a few months old. We both work full time and childcare evenings and weekends is shared. I probably do more, especially with my littlest, but husband does most of the laundry and more cooking. There definitely seems to be more pressure to keep children constantly amused and stimulated with clubs and activities. Mine probably do less than average, as they are out of the house anyway for long days in the week, but weekends tend to be fairly child-focused (and because ours have a big age gap we are often split into twos going to different activities).
Housework (and cooking/laundry/shopping etc) - Mum did it all. Dad did the gardening and minor DIY but nothing else. If Mum went away she would cook all his meals in advance and leave them in the freezer. She ironed everything including sheets and underwear. We had dogs (and cats) and she did all the walks and pet care. Our house was always untidy though, and dare I say, none too clean. I don't think this was a time issue - I just think it didn't interest her and Dad wasn't bothered either. Once we were at secondary school and the mortgage was nearly paid off, she had a cleaner.
In our house we share the household duties. Once we were both back at work after having our second child we got a cleaner and ironing lady once a fortnight. This actually helped me more as before that I did most of the cleaning and he did the laundry. I have to remind myself to help with the laundry these days! We share cooking (he does slightly more of the meals) and shop separately for what we are going to cook. I click and collect mine or have it delivered.
Work - My mum was/is a podiatrist although after having children she worked part time around us, often from the surgery she ran from home. It seems shocking now but even as babies/young children we were shut upstairs while she worked downstairs. She would take a couple of hours off at lunchtime though, not least because my Dad would come home for lunch, so her hours were really very limited. She was also self employed so she could manage her workload to enable going to special assemblies, sports days etc. Her career was very much secondary to Dad's. Even though she was a qualified professional, it was very much considered to be a "little job".
I'm a solicitor and work in the City. My career is very much equal to my husband's (accountant) and I earn quite a bit more. I admit I missed out on a fair bit when my eldest was little as I was fairly junior, but I am now a Senior Associate and can arrange my own diary/work from home as necessary so I can usually get to speech day/sports day etc (or husband can) with a bit of planning. We have no family help with childcare and have had to build a plan A/Plan B/ Plan C to ensure there is always a back up plan if we can't get away from work and child is ill or there is a travel disaster. We have a nanny two evenings a week and a bank of local teenage babysitters. It costs a bloody fortune but it has been worth it to maintain and build two full time careers which we both enjoy and which have left us pretty comfortably off.
"Me time" - my mum admits that she did get a fair bit of downtime to herself particularly once we were at school as her working hours were short. Even when we were at home we largely amused ourselves. She did a lot of crosswords, watched telly, did dressmaking and tapestries etc. However, she rarely did anything outside the house especially when we were little as Dad worked very long hours, even at weekends (and when he didn't he was doing his hobby out of the house) so she couldn't really go anywhere. Even in the day she had to be home to make his lunch. She did seem to do a LOT of clothes shopping though! Plus got her hair done once a week. When we were about 11/14 she joined the church choir and was out two evenings a week. Dad did not like that at first but for once she was insistent. She also went away with a friend for a long weekend occasionally and we would go and stay with grandparents (Dad did not know how to look after children you see). She did seem bored/fed up/snappy a lot of the time.
I don't have much downtime in the week and neither does my husband. Everything is a rush in the evenings - we sit down for 20 mins and watch telly while having dinner but that is about it. On my non-cooking nights I will do a Joe Wicks online workout (about 20 mins long). On his non-cooking nights husband will read the paper or pop out to his allotment. Weekends are more relaxed - we do a lot with the kids but we all enjoy getting out of the house and being active. We often see friends as a family and maybe once or twice a month each of us will go for an evening out with friends. We have a date night about once every six months! I go to the gym on Sunday mornings but there is no opportunity for either of us to have a time consuming hobby. I also watch a fair bit of catch up telly while cooking and doing other chores. I manage to read and mumsnet/facebook a fair bit - grabbing 10 mins here and there. Husband likes to read the paper/work on the allotment/nap if he gets the chance. I struggle with stuff like getting my hair done and clothes shopping as I don't like being away from the children too much as I see them so little in the week. Our youngest is 3 and I have spent one night away from her, ever. My work suits are falling apart and I have plenty of money to buy more but no time to go and try stuff on etc!
So overall, my life is very full and busy and several people have told me they would hate to live like I do (er, thanks) but I enjoy it and don't actually find it particularly hard or stressful. There are a few crazy weeks but I love my job, I love being a mum and I feel I have got the life I wanted including an equal partnership at home and not having to worry about money.
My mum had a lot more time to get stuff done in the days when parents were not expected to be constantly engaged with their children. She had help from her mother and a cleaner, plenty of cash to treat herself and plenty of me-time to relax (though usually only at home). But she did not seem to enjoy her life. I think she felt unfulfilled and taken for granted. I don't think that should be underestimated as a factor.
So, while her life was technically "easier" I conclude that I still prefer mine a million times over!

My mum is incredulous and disparaging about SAHM these days who have a cleaner and send their children to nursery part of the week and still say they are exhausted

As we've seen from this thread, there were plenty of SAHM's in the 70's who had cleaners/other paid help. And plenty now who don't have any of those things.
So much generalisation.

Most didn't work.....

My mum coped by drinking lager and cider all day, which I was sent to buy for her from the local off licence from the age of 7 (in school holidays at least)

Has anyone found any actual figures? The only table I have found shows 47% of married women with children working in 1974, rising to 69% by 2000.

My mum was incredibly lazy compared to me. I work a lot harder.

Ecureuil I agree with her

I am on leave at the moment with 3 children, one with a disability and what the OP describes as hard to cope with is called a holiday 😁

Just realised it wasn't you who said that Ecureuil. I agree with Honeylulu's mum about the sahm who send children to nursery etc.

I don't know any SAHM who send their children to nursery.
I'm a SAHM and my 3.5 year old does 15 hours at pre school. I also have a 22 month old so it gives me chance to spend time with her, and allows my older one to get some independence and socialise. Is that the sort of thing people are disparaging about?

I'm a SAHM and I send my DS to nursery. If anyone disaproves they can jog on and stew in their jealousy.

I also have a cleaner/home help.

My mum had home help and sent me to nursery when she wasn't do anything. I despise her. Why couldn't she look after me like normal mothers?

Fine for SAHMs to send their children to nursery - but not sure why others should have to pay for this through their taxes.

jumping - can i ask out of interest, why is that? do you have a disability that makes it difficult for you to keep the house clean etc? i understand sending your DS to nursery as it's good for them to socialise etc. How old is he?

I don't actually think people who disapprove are automatically jealous. I actually prefer to work and would not enjoy being a SAHM again. I wouldn't mind a cleaner but have no need for one as live in a smallish house.

I assume so Ecureuil. I'm a SAHM and my 3.5 year old goes to pre school 9 hours a week too.

Is that the sort of thing people are disparaging about?
Yes that is what she (my mum) means I think.
Please note from my post above that she also disapproves of my children being in nursery even though I am at work. I should be raising them myself, apparently like my perfect sister There's no pleasing my mother!

When I was on maternity leave I had a daily cleaner and a mother's help. And I am a competent person who is in a position of significant responsibility at work.
I just found being a SAHM totally and utterly exhausting and ended up in tears on many an occasion so in the end got help.

My mum was an undiagnosed autistic and we didn't find out she had it until my dd got diagnosed. Still resent her for it though as she is so horrible now and won't help me.

Well I have it the other way around. My mum had help from hers and my mother in law likewise.
I'm like your mum; my husband works away and my parents and in laws live aboard. You cope because you have no choice

My mum coped by letting my dad do everything, she was as lazy as fuck and spent our childhood worrying about her own enjoyment.

Trinity I do have very good reasons which I think most people would agree with. I confess I was being a bit snarky because I don't like the way the thread is going, judging other mothers for their choices.

DS is 4 and has been going since he was 1. We live abroad so we chose to do it so he would be bilingual. He only gets English at home so we thought this was important. His health visitor agreed so his place was free.

I have autism so social services provide a home help for an hour twice a week and I pay for someone to come in for another 2 hours to do the jobs which are making my head hurt.

whistler, why would you think SAHPs get nursery for free? We paid for pre school for ds until he turned 3 and got the funded early years education hours (he was 2 when he started going 6 hours a week).

I was a mother in the 60s. I didn't have a washing machine until expecting the third, so I was handwashing nappies everyday. My 2nd was born when the 1st was 16 months, so that was 2 lots of nappies. No family lived near, so I had no help and we were new to the area. I was incredibly lucky, because I breastfed with no problems whatsoever, and all of them went 3 to 4 hours between feeds.
My husband took over the shopping and cooking, and continues to do so for his 2nd wife. We had very little money, but managed just about to keep our heads above water. The devoted grandmas loved buying clothes etc. for their grandchildren.
Surprisingly, I felt happy and fulfilled.I remember only one occasion when I was shedding tears of self-pity over a sinkful of dirty nappies, and I reminded myself it had been my choice to have 4 children in 6 years and stay at home to care for them. I had been able to go to university and get my degree and a teaching qualification, so there would be opportunities for me in the future.

I think this is a very interesting thread. Thank you to everyone who is contributing. I think my parents did have a washing machine in the 1960s - they waited 10 years from being married before having children for financial reasons which probably helped and my father (doctor, psychiatrist) was doing exams until he was over 30 because his first degree with physics (his father could not afford the fees for medicine as his father had had to wait until he was 49 to afford to have my father so was getting on a bit by then. Then luckily grants for students came out after WWII so my father started again after his BSc with a medical degree. They always shared domestic stuff.

My mother wornte a baby diary from when I was about 3 and my sister was 1 which I had typed out when she died. It shows on the days she made entries exactly what life was like in terms of us as children. It is very interesting to know what you were like before you have conscious memory of things. I also have kept a diary since I was 13 although it's not just about my children so probably won't be as interesting for them after I die as my mother's is.

I don't interfere with my grandchild at all but I am very please (a) she was breastfed as I fed my children and (b) that my daughter is back at work. (I always worked too). However if she or her husband chose not to I would not dreams of criticising or commenting.

One of the nicest things our mother did when the 3 of us had our children was not interfere, not insist things must be done a certain way and just be supportive and I hope I am/can be like tha twith all the grandchildren too as everyone does things their own way and plenty of different ways are perfectly good.

I would however find it hard if any of my chldren ended up in an unfair and sexist marriage. Mind you I doubt they would tolerate that even for a day as no one ever has in this family.

Indubious - the taxpayer is paying for your funded hours.