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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or is DH over drinks in a bar?

192 replies

silversparks · 20/05/2017 09:54

Sorry about this, but DH has gone out in a huff and I don't know what to think.

We have 3 DC aged 9, 7 and 5 so I don't get out much in the evenings. A friend of mine is going through some horrible divorce proceedings and feeling very low and isolated. It was another friend's birthday, so we arranged to go out for cocktails and dinner. This was last night.

I wanted to get out quite early as DH isn't that practised in getting the DC settled on his own and I knew I would get dragged into it, so I met my friend (the one going through the divorce) at 7.30 in a place that does amazing cocktails. The other friend was held up as her DH was late, so we said we'd meet her in the restaurant at 9.30.

I bumped into one of DH's work associates in the bar, so chatted to him briefly before he left. After this, one of the bar staff brought over two drinks and told us that these were from two men by the bar. I was a bit , but my friend took the drinks and it felt a bit rude and dramatic not to, I suppose. Anyway, these two guys came over. They were fine, Americans living in London. Of course I told them I was married. The one I was talking to was about 45 and had a daughter by his ex and we we were just talking about kids mainly. Anyway, when we left, my friend had arranged to go out for dinner with the other guy. She had his card and had given him her (correct) phone number. She was really happy about it and he seemed nice, so I thought good for her.

When I got in I told DH about this and he's not happy, to say the least! He says it's very disrespectful of me to be seen out and about being chatted up by other men and what if the guy he works with had seen this (he didn't because he had left). He says I have put myself at risk and I'm naive to not think about how I look sitting with a female friend in a bar "dressed like that!" This comment has upset me because I don't dress "like that". But I can see his point that if the situation was reversed I wouldn't like it.

As I say, I don't get out much so maybe I am a bit out of practise with this kind of thing, but should I have sent the drink back? Or left when they came over? I probably would have left sooner tbh, if my friend had wanted to. AIBU and what should I have done?

OP posts:

QueenMortificado · 20/05/2017 09:57

You were being a good wing woman and if he doesn't trust you to talk to a man without accidently giving him your number then the trust is the bigger issue

kittybiscuits · 20/05/2017 09:58

Your H IBVU

DoItTooJulia · 20/05/2017 09:58

I can't see the problem here at all. You went out with your friend, had a drink sent over. Told the man that sent it that you weren't available and nothing happened! Your friend got a date out of it, not you!

Either he trusts you or he doesn't.

Of course, next time you go out, you should wear a sack cloth and a sandwich board that says 'men. Do NOT approach me. I am married and my DH wouldn't like it'

Bluntness100 · 20/05/2017 09:59

Well I'd have stayed and chatted too, you're not your husbands property and being married doesn't mean you can't talk to other men. Although I wouldn't have accepted the drinks in the first place as that's a clear indication normally you are interested. On that I think uou were wrong.

Do you have some form of cultural thing going on here?

ElspethFlashman · 20/05/2017 10:00

He's being a twat.

The guys did nothing wrong. They liked the look of both of you so they sent over drinks. Your friend was single and so got chatted up, you are not so you didn't get chatted up. All quite above board.

He's trying to make you feel seedy and low for having the nerve to have a polite conversation with a person who was not a woman. It's so you won't be in any hurry to go out again and you'll cower from any men who say hello like a nervous rabbit.

Don't let him succeed.

n0ne · 20/05/2017 10:00

Your DH is being ridiculous! Doesn't he trust you? So you're not 'allowed' to talk to another man without him being there? If this happened to me and I told DH, he wouldn't bat an eyelid. You said you were married straight away, you did nothing wrong. I'd be really pissed off if I was you.

AssassinatedBeauty · 20/05/2017 10:01

It's up to you what you do when you're out with your friend. Why he is threatened by that? He sounds insecure.

You weren't putting yourself "at risk", and the comment about what you were wearing is grim. You were helping your friend out by chatting to the other guy, which was nice of you.

packofshunts · 20/05/2017 10:02

Ridiculous. You were being a great friend. Tell him to grow up!

Trills · 20/05/2017 10:03

Do people really send over drinks?

In real life?

Your DH is unreasonable.

Being a bit uncomfortable that you were chatted up is normal, but I'd expect him to realise that there's no reason to be, and to get a grip.

The "dressed like that" comment is twattish.

hettie · 20/05/2017 10:05

What an idiot....(him) obv. "Disrespectful", "dressed like that" ....he doesn't own you, you can dress hope you like and talk to whom you like about what you like. You were not soliciting attention, seeking another relationship or having an affair. Talking to men in a bar is completely normal and news flash.. harmless flirting is just that harmless (not that you even were). Is he always this weirdly possessive? It's not something I could tolerate tbh...

Original poster

silversparks · 20/05/2017 10:08

Thankyou. By the way, I am 37 years old and a mother of 3 - not 19! He has no reason whatsoever not to trust me. I hardly ever go out in the evenings for a start. He was happy for me to go. He knew where I was going as I've been there with him, wearing a very similar dress and he's never had an issue with it before.
I might have sent the drinks back if I hadn't been with this particular friend. I can see his point about how it might have looked to his business colleague. I think I was caught a bit off guard maybe.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 20/05/2017 10:09

Do people really send over drinks? In real life?

Yes, it's quite common and usually the first flirty step in seeing if someone's interested.

It's easy enough to tell the barman to say thanks but no thanks you can't accept. I had a bottle of wine sent over once, and as I was saying I couldn't accept to the bar man the dude came over and asked if we could drink it together. I still said thanks but no thanks but to his face.

Original poster

silversparks · 20/05/2017 10:11

He is saying that they could have followed us when we left - but they didn't! Plus it's the Brompton Road at 9pm on a busy Friday night, not a dodgy alley at 3am.

OP posts:

YouTheCat · 20/05/2017 10:11

I don't see how telling someone you're married can be construed as flirting?

Your dh sounds a bit odd.

TestTubeTeen · 20/05/2017 10:12

Buying drinks like that is much more common in America and doesn't 'mean anything '. In American culture there is no need to send the drinks back, nothing is implied or expected be accepting them.

Your DH is really over reacting. And had his circle of male enforcers of women 's behaviour (aka work mates) still been in the bar then they would have seen you leave the men to go and meet your friend.

However I can imagine that if a woman posted on MN that her DH had been seen sharing a table and drinking cocktails with newly met women there would be a few assuming the worst.

Trills · 20/05/2017 10:13

I need to start going to some classier bars.

Or maybe doing something about my resting don't-even-think-about-it face :o

TestTubeTeen · 20/05/2017 10:13

They could have followed you even if you hadn't spoken to them. They could have followed if you hadn't even seen them.

WellIGuessThisIsGrowingUp · 20/05/2017 10:14

You have done nothing wrong.

Why is your hubby so threatened?

You were completely honest with him. You can go out wearing whatever you want. What's the problem here, that another man came and spoke to you or your hubby was worried about what his colleague thought?

Just out of interest, does he have much time out with friends in the evenings?

And regarding the drink, I dont think you should have sent it back. You made it clear you weren't interested.

This really is his problem and not yours.

AssassinatedBeauty · 20/05/2017 10:19

"They could have followed you" as the PP has said this is is ridiculous. Anyone from the bar could have followed you, whether you'd spoken to them or seen them.

NoLoveofMine · 20/05/2017 10:24

He says I have put myself at risk and I'm naive to not think about how I look sitting with a female friend in a bar "dressed like that!"

Oh dear. The fact he's equating the way a woman dresses with risk of sexual violence is pretty appalling victim blaming. She, you and all women can dress as they please, it does not "put them at risk".

Beyond that, getting angry because you're talking to someone who happens to be a man? He's a chump.

NoLoveofMine · 20/05/2017 10:27

wearing a very similar dress and he's never had an issue with it before.

He has no right to "have an issue" with anything you choose to wear anyway.

PollytheDolly · 20/05/2017 10:28

They sound like gentlemen actually. Hope your friend has a nice date

Your DH is obviously being unreasonable.

diddl · 20/05/2017 10:28

Is he sulking over having to do bed time?

The drinks?

Idk-would it have been churlish to refuse them?

Or just one of them?

I mean it's an icebreaker, isn't it-not a promise of sex FFS!

It's difficult when you are with a friend who wants to chat up/be chatted up & you don't -but at the end of the day, doesn't your husband trust you?

Original poster

silversparks · 20/05/2017 10:29

He goes away a lot with work, plus it's easier for him to go out after work as he's already out. He says if he can manage to not have drinks with random women, I should do the same. He also said we should go out in larger groups of at least four from now on

OP posts:

MsVestibule · 20/05/2017 10:29

Nobody sends drinks over to me . And I'm bloody gorgeous (although getting on a bit now).

If I was your DH, I might have irrationally raised my eyebrows at worst at the thought of a man daring to try to chat you up, but he's blaming you for daring to 'dress like that' and accept a drink that had been sent over to you. When he comes back, give him to cold shoulder until he apologises. Is there any chance he'll see he was in the wrong, or is that not his style?

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