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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU or is DH over drinks in a bar?

192 replies

silversparks · 20/05/2017 09:54

Sorry about this, but DH has gone out in a huff and I don't know what to think.

We have 3 DC aged 9, 7 and 5 so I don't get out much in the evenings. A friend of mine is going through some horrible divorce proceedings and feeling very low and isolated. It was another friend's birthday, so we arranged to go out for cocktails and dinner. This was last night.

I wanted to get out quite early as DH isn't that practised in getting the DC settled on his own and I knew I would get dragged into it, so I met my friend (the one going through the divorce) at 7.30 in a place that does amazing cocktails. The other friend was held up as her DH was late, so we said we'd meet her in the restaurant at 9.30.

I bumped into one of DH's work associates in the bar, so chatted to him briefly before he left. After this, one of the bar staff brought over two drinks and told us that these were from two men by the bar. I was a bit Confused, but my friend took the drinks and it felt a bit rude and dramatic not to, I suppose. Anyway, these two guys came over. They were fine, Americans living in London. Of course I told them I was married. The one I was talking to was about 45 and had a daughter by his ex and we we were just talking about kids mainly. Anyway, when we left, my friend had arranged to go out for dinner with the other guy. She had his card and had given him her (correct) phone number. She was really happy about it and he seemed nice, so I thought good for her.

When I got in I told DH about this and he's not happy, to say the least! He says it's very disrespectful of me to be seen out and about being chatted up by other men and what if the guy he works with had seen this (he didn't because he had left). He says I have put myself at risk and I'm naive to not think about how I look sitting with a female friend in a bar "dressed like that!" This comment has upset me because I don't dress "like that". But I can see his point that if the situation was reversed I wouldn't like it.

As I say, I don't get out much so maybe I am a bit out of practise with this kind of thing, but should I have sent the drink back? Or left when they came over? I probably would have left sooner tbh, if my friend had wanted to. AIBU and what should I have done?

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 20/05/2017 11:02

So what are you going to do about it?

It's all very well us telling you hes being unreasonable. But are you going to do what he says?

HandbagCrazy · 20/05/2017 11:02

He is being ridiculous.

This happened because you were dressed 'like that?' WTF. you can dress how you like.
The men had eyes, liked you, used the drinks to start a conversation and nothing happened. You 100% did nothing wrong.

As for his nonsense about going out in groups of 4 / they could have followed you - what if you go out in a group of 4 and a group of 4 men approach you? Are you any less 'at risk' then? What makes him think that being out without a male chaperone means something is going to happen to you? It's crap like this that feeds into victim-blaming because if anything did happen, it would be because you were in a dress / out on your own / talked to the men etc. Disgusting - I hope if you have DDs that you will be pointing this out!

FWIW, I have been out with single friends and have been approached by men. Have had harmless chatter while friends got chatted up / exchanged numbers etc. Have told DH and he usually makes some joke or other about them being disappointed by my wedding ring and it's not mentioned. Similar if roles are reversed.

NoLoveofMine · 20/05/2017 11:02

which really would never, ever happen in this country

It's a separate issue but I can't see why not.

Plumkettle · 20/05/2017 11:03

Since your friend accepted the drinks, I can absolutely see that it would have been really weird and awkward for you to then reject it.

You made it clear you were married and your friend got a date with one of the men.

No harm done whatsoever.

NoLoveofMine · 20/05/2017 11:03

I also hope the OP's husband is never called for jury duty.

HornyTortoise · 20/05/2017 11:03

He is being unreasonable. My DH would be exactly the same though. Fucking annoying but I have taken to just totally blanking him when he goes off on a rant about something stupid like this..might sound childish but the more I try to 'explain myself' the worse it gets so silence is best.

sashh · 20/05/2017 11:03

Do people really send over drinks?

In real life?

Americans do.

OP Perhaps you husband would prefer you wore a burka and walked behind him at all times.

He is being a controlling twat.

Original poster
silversparks · 20/05/2017 11:03

This is the same dress as I was wearing (from the website). It was probably slightly longer on me as I'm 5 ft 6. It has an open back but it's hardly "dressing like that" as he puts it. I don't think so and I go out with him in similar if we go out.

AIBU or is DH over drinks in a bar?
OP posts:
NoLoveofMine · 20/05/2017 11:05

I've noticed you feel you have to justify what you were wearing, silversparks. You don't, not here and certainly not to your husband. Wear what you feel best in.

There is no such thing as "dressing like that" in the way your husband is suggesting.

AnyFucker · 20/05/2017 11:06

Stop justifying yourself

Your husband sounds like a dick

Naicehamshop · 20/05/2017 11:07

You don't need to justify yourself or what you were wearing, op.

As for him telling you what you can or can't do and speaking to you like that... Angry time to have a very serious conversation about respect and equality in your marriage.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 20/05/2017 11:07

I would assume you are grounded... So go to your bedroom and let him deal with the dc the rest of the day.
What a knob. ...

Fruitcorner123 · 20/05/2017 11:14

He has no right to tell you what to wear or who to go out with. It didn't sound great from the start really when you said he struggles to put his own kids to bed without you there! He is trying to control your behaviour - don't let him.

Plus would you really have a problem if he spoke to a woman he met at a bar and told her he was married and then talked about the children?

CandleLit · 20/05/2017 11:15

I hope you thoroughly enjoyed the cocktail and company OP! he stomped off saying, "I'll leave you to think about your behaviour made me lol! You behaved perfectly so reflect on that.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 20/05/2017 11:16

Your dh is so unreasonable I don't even know where to begin.

My dh doesn't have an issue with me being bought a drink when out because he trusts me implicitly as do I him. It's a drink, not a betrothal.

Original poster
silversparks · 20/05/2017 11:19

Thankyou for all this.
I've never thought he was "playing away" tbh, though if he wanted to he would have a lot more opportunity than me.
I feel better now. Normally he's ok, but as I said, I don't go out that much due to the kids so maybe he needs to get used to it.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 20/05/2017 11:21

He's the one who needs to think about his behaviour. Nob.

NoLoveofMine · 20/05/2017 11:21

He needs to change his whole attitude to women in my opinion. The victim blaming and how he sees women "dressed like that" as he puts it when he's out is very worrying; seems he'd blame them if a man chose to assault them. Then speaking to you with such a lack of respect in that belittling manner, trying to control what you wear, who you go out with and who you speak with when you do, going on about what his colleagues would think as though you're his property for them to judge and so forth.

KRG13 · 20/05/2017 11:22

Think I'd be going out again tonight.

reetgood · 20/05/2017 11:23

'I'll leave you to think about your behaviour'

If my partner said that to me I'd get the giggles, badly. In fact I think he did say it once, as a piss take.

He needs to understand that his feelings of insecurity are his feelings. You are not responsible for his feelings. He would have had these feelings he's finding hard to deal with whether you were wearing a pelmet or a full boiler suit. Unfortunately he doesn't have that insight. hes being unreasonable and I'd be inclined to tell him to stop being daft.

BluePeppers · 20/05/2017 11:24

Your DH is over the top.
1- because he is basically saying he doesn't trust you
2- for expecting you to somehow avoid being chatted by some men whilst out. You didn't seek them out!
3- for being much too worried about appearances (what would colleague have thought?)
4- for making comments about the way you dressed
5- for behaving as if he was your dad rather than your DH (most of his comments TBH, from the way you were dressed to the risks you took and the thinking about what you've done). You're not 17yo anymore!

Original poster
silversparks · 20/05/2017 11:24

He says of course he does trust me, but it's other people he doesn't trust. He is acting like my dad and it's a far from attractive quality at the moment. He should be encouraging me to get out more because I've been telling him I need to do this more for my sanity.

OP posts:
OfficerVanHalen · 20/05/2017 11:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BluePeppers · 20/05/2017 11:25

And yes his reaction is probably due to the fact he is still grumpy at being left to out all,the dcs to bed on his own.
To which the only possible answer is to go out more and leave him to do that more often!!

BluePeppers · 20/05/2017 11:26

If you need to go out more, don't tell him, which really feels as if you are asking him for permission.
JUST DO IT! He'll survive.