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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DH over drinks in a bar?

192 replies

silversparks · 20/05/2017 09:54

Sorry about this, but DH has gone out in a huff and I don't know what to think.

We have 3 DC aged 9, 7 and 5 so I don't get out much in the evenings. A friend of mine is going through some horrible divorce proceedings and feeling very low and isolated. It was another friend's birthday, so we arranged to go out for cocktails and dinner. This was last night.

I wanted to get out quite early as DH isn't that practised in getting the DC settled on his own and I knew I would get dragged into it, so I met my friend (the one going through the divorce) at 7.30 in a place that does amazing cocktails. The other friend was held up as her DH was late, so we said we'd meet her in the restaurant at 9.30.

I bumped into one of DH's work associates in the bar, so chatted to him briefly before he left. After this, one of the bar staff brought over two drinks and told us that these were from two men by the bar. I was a bit Confused, but my friend took the drinks and it felt a bit rude and dramatic not to, I suppose. Anyway, these two guys came over. They were fine, Americans living in London. Of course I told them I was married. The one I was talking to was about 45 and had a daughter by his ex and we we were just talking about kids mainly. Anyway, when we left, my friend had arranged to go out for dinner with the other guy. She had his card and had given him her (correct) phone number. She was really happy about it and he seemed nice, so I thought good for her.

When I got in I told DH about this and he's not happy, to say the least! He says it's very disrespectful of me to be seen out and about being chatted up by other men and what if the guy he works with had seen this (he didn't because he had left). He says I have put myself at risk and I'm naive to not think about how I look sitting with a female friend in a bar "dressed like that!" This comment has upset me because I don't dress "like that". But I can see his point that if the situation was reversed I wouldn't like it.

As I say, I don't get out much so maybe I am a bit out of practise with this kind of thing, but should I have sent the drink back? Or left when they came over? I probably would have left sooner tbh, if my friend had wanted to. AIBU and what should I have done?

OP posts:
Original poster
silversparks · 20/05/2017 18:55

Cory - yes he will do that sometimes. If things get confusing for him he just ends the conversation.

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 20/05/2017 18:56

Yep.

He thinks he's your Dad.

Bet he'll still expect a blowjob though.

Original poster
silversparks · 20/05/2017 19:04

Elspeth - he's not selfish in that way really, though I was hardly in the mood last night after the things he said, so he can read into that what he will.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 20/05/2017 19:07

Tell him he is only allowed out in groups of ten and if one man goes to the toilet he has to leave immediately. Wanker.

He really has a very low opinion of men as well as of you. Which is interesting. For someone who goes out a lot more than you he thinks men are incorrigible flirts who don't care about marriage vows.

Big, fat hmmmmmmm from me.

Original poster
silversparks · 20/05/2017 19:22

Well yes Mrs Terry. I have no idea about half the people he hangs out with overseas, though I do mostly know his friends around here and they're all fine. He is generally fine and he can be lovely, but there are some definite "hmmm" moments mingled in.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 20/05/2017 19:34

That was exactly the right point for stopping the conversation. He has told you what he think. You will still go out with just one friend. No further discussion is needed.

You need to go out a LOT more frequently. Treat it as normal and ignore any crap. If he's normally OK then he'll get used to it.

It's interesting that he thought a charming man in a bar would be able to talk you into opening your legs. Would a persistent hot woman be able to convince him?

petalsandstars · 20/05/2017 19:54

It's not quite the same as him buying a woman a drink in a bar though is it? Would he have refused a drink if one had been sent over to him instead? I'm guessing he'd have accepted it too Hmm

Willow2017 · 20/05/2017 20:01

I cannot understand how he made the leap from a man buying you a drink and talking to you after you told him you were married to you being whisked off for wild sex ?

I would be bloody annoyed at his lack of faith in your ability to go out with a friend without being molested.

You don't monitor who he goes out with it works both ways.

He didn't stop the conversation because he was confused he stopped it because you were making sense and he was wrong and he didnt want to admit it.

PeaFaceMcgee · 20/05/2017 20:07

Oh he really thinks so little of women... Silly flighty fluffy vulnerable things, with their tempting clothes. Must stay in big flocks to keep safe, otherwise they might be picked up by a rogue wolf with a silver tongue.

I think he probably isn't as innocent, as pp have insinuated.

PeaFaceMcgee · 20/05/2017 20:09

Admit it - he'd have you out in a burqa if he could wouldn't he? And not allowed to talk to men whatsoever.

Fucker.

kaitlinktm · 20/05/2017 20:40

I think you should take him up a little at a time on some of the things he does.

"I'll leave you to think about your behaviour"
You sound like my Dad
OK no more about it
So you get to decide the conversation's over?

I think it will be very telling if you feel you can't do this because it might annoy him further.

He seems to thinks he's the one in charge - how did that come about?

Original poster
silversparks · 20/05/2017 20:56

I really don't think he's playing away or ever has. He's always very busy and I just think I would know. Also he's not dishonest about things. He is 10 years older than me and possibly getting more grumpy. He does know me though and he wouldn't think I would actually be persuaded into anything. Nevertheless he can sound patronising at times and as PP's say, I should challenge it more as and when it happens.

OP posts:
AssassinatedBeauty · 20/05/2017 21:07

"many men don't care if you're married or not and will say whatever they need to say to get what they want"

I don't understand why you're not more angry about this comment tbh. He's basically asserting that a few drinks and some chat from any random man will mean that you would cheat on him. It's ridiculous and offensive in the extreme, and I'd be very hurt and angry if my partner thought that of me.

He isn't getting the point about "safety" either. Anyone at all in the bar, or outside when you left, could decide to follow you. Unless he's seriously suggesting that you never go out unaccompanied, he's got no point at all. You say he's not misogynistic, but all his opinions and words say he really really is.

BluePeppers · 20/05/2017 21:09

I have an issue wth him sayis no that him buying a drink t
O a woman is the same than you being bought a drink by a man.

Surely he can see that in the first case, he would have done the first step and seeked out the woman. Whereas in the second, you haven't asked for anything at all??
As for you being too trusting, you aren't the one who went away with a phone number in her pocket or has given her phone to someone.

Again, the stuff about 'you being too trusting' only hold water if your behaviour had shown you were indeed too trusting. But you haven't. You've shown the exact opposite to him...

S yes patronising maybe but also one rule for him and one rule for you. Why would that be??

DoorwayToNorway · 20/05/2017 21:32

many men don't care if you're married or not and will say whatever they need to say to get what they want.

He knows this of all men does he? Everyone knows there are men like that, we've all probably come across them but you were not born yesterday ffs. It's insulting to suggest that you would let them get what they "want" or wouldn't be able to recognise that you were in the company of one. Hmm

Naicehamshop · 20/05/2017 22:47

You are an adult. You are perfectly capable of making your own decisions and looking after yourself when you are out. Tell him this.

Shoxfordian · 20/05/2017 22:56

#boybye

MilesHuntsWig · 20/05/2017 23:18

He is a patronising arse

NoLoveofMine · 21/05/2017 00:54

He said again that he's concerned about my safety and if this going out at night is going to be a more regular thing he thinks we should stick in larger groups.

So he thinks he should accompany you on nights out if he deigns to accept you'll go on them because of the risk of sexual violence from his fellow men.

Yet another way male violence benefits all men. Hideous.

Catherinebee85 · 21/05/2017 01:05

He's obviously being ridiculous and is threatened for some reason. Don't let him beat you with it. It's his problem, not yours.

LallanasInPyjamas · 21/05/2017 01:11

...since when is it anyone else's business what you do when you're in a bar? Married or not, you don't belong to anyone. A good indication about your relationship is where you said he isn't used to getting them settled when your oldest child is NINE.

he's in the wrong for being a dick, you're in the wrong for allowing your husband to treat you like a possession.

SuiteHarmony · 21/05/2017 01:19

Way to go, op's H. Make her second-guess what she should wear. Dictate she only goes out in a posse of 4+. Make her feel uncertain that she is giving the wrong signals when she's only meeting her mate for a drink. Make her anxious to check in and feel she should leave if anyone should smile her way. Make her feel her judgement is poor and not to be trusted. And when she comes home and tells you about her night, sigh and huff and solemnly express your concerns. Reprimand her quietly and declare the matter closed.

Yeah, way to go 🙄

mylaststraw · 21/05/2017 01:24

He's always very busy and I just think I would know. Also he's not dishonest about things.
Believe me, you probably wouldn't.

I'd be a bit Hmm that hw spends so much time in the bar/ going out situation while away, and seems to think that a large proportion of the men there are deliberately out to pick up women, whether married or not. He must see a lot of it at close hand - his friends? So to some extent he is familiar and comfortable with it, just not when it's his own wife in danger of being tempted. (Not that you would be, I do think on the whole women are less opportunistic about this kind of stuff.)

TestTubeTeen · 21/05/2017 08:04

LOL: the MN suspicion about him is as bad as his attitude to the OP.

BoysofMelody · 21/05/2017 10:38

LOL: the MN suspicion about him is as bad as his attitude to the OP.

It isn't 'suspicion' it is commenting on the things he does and say to the op and pointing out his blatant hypocrisy.

And ...

'LOL'? Really? Are we 13 and on MSN messenger circa 2001?

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