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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DH over drinks in a bar?

192 replies

silversparks · 20/05/2017 09:54

Sorry about this, but DH has gone out in a huff and I don't know what to think.

We have 3 DC aged 9, 7 and 5 so I don't get out much in the evenings. A friend of mine is going through some horrible divorce proceedings and feeling very low and isolated. It was another friend's birthday, so we arranged to go out for cocktails and dinner. This was last night.

I wanted to get out quite early as DH isn't that practised in getting the DC settled on his own and I knew I would get dragged into it, so I met my friend (the one going through the divorce) at 7.30 in a place that does amazing cocktails. The other friend was held up as her DH was late, so we said we'd meet her in the restaurant at 9.30.

I bumped into one of DH's work associates in the bar, so chatted to him briefly before he left. After this, one of the bar staff brought over two drinks and told us that these were from two men by the bar. I was a bit Confused, but my friend took the drinks and it felt a bit rude and dramatic not to, I suppose. Anyway, these two guys came over. They were fine, Americans living in London. Of course I told them I was married. The one I was talking to was about 45 and had a daughter by his ex and we we were just talking about kids mainly. Anyway, when we left, my friend had arranged to go out for dinner with the other guy. She had his card and had given him her (correct) phone number. She was really happy about it and he seemed nice, so I thought good for her.

When I got in I told DH about this and he's not happy, to say the least! He says it's very disrespectful of me to be seen out and about being chatted up by other men and what if the guy he works with had seen this (he didn't because he had left). He says I have put myself at risk and I'm naive to not think about how I look sitting with a female friend in a bar "dressed like that!" This comment has upset me because I don't dress "like that". But I can see his point that if the situation was reversed I wouldn't like it.

As I say, I don't get out much so maybe I am a bit out of practise with this kind of thing, but should I have sent the drink back? Or left when they came over? I probably would have left sooner tbh, if my friend had wanted to. AIBU and what should I have done?

OP posts:
Violetcharlotte · 20/05/2017 10:31

Trills Grin
Glad it's not just me, I've never, ever had drinks sent over!

OP I don't think you did anything wrong at all. Your DH sounds a bit insecure!

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 20/05/2017 10:32

Your husband sounds like a fud.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/05/2017 10:35

All sounds very innocent to me. Your dh is being overly sensitive.

Mummmy2017 · 20/05/2017 10:39

Your husband was jealous someone else fancied his wife, laugh with him and promise him it won'r happen again, then arrange a baby sitter and invite your husband out on a date...

everymummy · 20/05/2017 10:39

I would challenge his views about women drinking in bars, particularly in the light of his comment about going out in larger groups.

Let him have his huff and don't be on the defensive when you discuss it.

You have nothing to defend. Women can drink in bars wearing the clothes they choose.

ijustwannadance · 20/05/2017 10:40

He is being a bellend.

HeatedCatFurniture · 20/05/2017 10:42

Why on earth should she "promise him it won't happen again" Mummy2017?

a. Nothing happened
b. How can she stop men fancying her? Only leave the house in sackcloth?

He's being a dick.

notanurse2017 · 20/05/2017 10:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NoLoveofMine · 20/05/2017 10:46

I would challenge his views about women drinking in bars, particularly in the light of his comment about going out in larger groups

Definitely. He seems to believe women dressed in a certain way invite the possibility of attack. Ridiculous, utterly inaccurate and dangerous victim blaming.

Original poster
silversparks · 20/05/2017 10:49

I am starting to think he's trying to be difficult because he's annoyed I went out in a weekend without him and left him with the kids. I hope he's in a better mood when he gets home. This morning he stomped off saying, "I'll leave you to think about your behaviour". Hmm

OP posts:
Trills · 20/05/2017 10:49

I really want to go sit in a bar in a brightly coloured dress now.

packofshunts · 20/05/2017 10:51

WTF Silver ?? ShockHmm

Violetcharlotte · 20/05/2017 10:51

I'll leave you to think about your behaviour

Seriously?? Is this typical of how he speaks to you?

NoLoveofMine · 20/05/2017 10:52

The OP's husband:

  • Couldn't be relied upon to put his own children to bed alone
  • Thinks it's "disrespectful" for the OP to be "seen out" without him by his work colleagues, implying some sort of ownership over her
  • Believes women dressed in a certain way invite attack from men
  • Blames women for "putting themselves at risk" (the risk is simply being female) rather than men who attack them
  • Seems to think he can dictate the kind of clothing the OP wears
  • Is trying to control under what circumstances and with whom the OP goes out
  • Has made the OP feel bad simply for enjoying an evening out with friends

All in all, he's not come out of it looking great.

DontTouchTheMoustache · 20/05/2017 10:52

--Tell him to fuck off

NoLoveofMine · 20/05/2017 10:53

That was before I read his latest comment upon which he showed himself to be even more of a chump.

Deathraystare · 20/05/2017 10:53

It does sound a bit much. However, I know that a number of women on here would post under AIBU if their husband did the same thing!

FairyDogMother11 · 20/05/2017 10:54

He is being very unreasonable! Angry

snapcrap · 20/05/2017 10:55

He sounds like a big baby who was fucked off you had a night out.

Also, hate to say it, but in my experience it's men who flirt with other women and play away who would feel threatened by this i.e. they think everyone is the same as them.

My suggestion: tell him to fuck off and you're not talking about this anymore. Don't be drawn. Do this every time he tries to pull a stunt like this until he gets the message that his sulky games don't work with you.

Original poster
silversparks · 20/05/2017 10:56

I only told him in good humour because my friend has had such an awful time since her DH ran off with another (older) woman and it's nice for her to get some attention. She can't go out much as nearly everyone is married or in relationships, but she's gorgeous and doesn't deserve what she's going through.

I was not wearing anything to attract attention to myself as I've never been like that. I'm not a drinker either and DH knows this.

OP posts:
snapcrap · 20/05/2017 10:57

Deathraystare

I think many/most posters would be upset if their husbands sent a drink to another woman in a bar but not if it was the other way round (which really would never, ever happen in this country!)

SaskiaRembrandtWasFramed · 20/05/2017 10:59

'Also, hate to say it, but in my experience it's men who flirt with other women and play away who would feel threatened by this i.e. they think everyone is the same as them.'

I thought this.

anotherpoisonprince · 20/05/2017 10:59

I'll leave you to think about your behaviour.
Fuck that. He's being a complete tosser.

DoorwayToNorway · 20/05/2017 11:00

I'll leave you to think about your behaviour
You're not a child!!! Shock he sounds very controlling. Have you asked him why he doesn't trust you? Does HE have something to hide? Trust issues and viewing the way women dress as being an open invitation for men is ofren a red flag, sorry Sad.

NoLoveofMine · 20/05/2017 11:01

I was not wearing anything to attract attention to myself as I've never been like that.

Not all women who dress in the way your husband disapproves of do so "to attract attention". Your friend may or may not have, but to even say his implies some responsibility of women to dress in a certain way to avoid male attention (which is near impossible anyway).