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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DH over drinks in a bar?

192 replies

silversparks · 20/05/2017 09:54

Sorry about this, but DH has gone out in a huff and I don't know what to think.

We have 3 DC aged 9, 7 and 5 so I don't get out much in the evenings. A friend of mine is going through some horrible divorce proceedings and feeling very low and isolated. It was another friend's birthday, so we arranged to go out for cocktails and dinner. This was last night.

I wanted to get out quite early as DH isn't that practised in getting the DC settled on his own and I knew I would get dragged into it, so I met my friend (the one going through the divorce) at 7.30 in a place that does amazing cocktails. The other friend was held up as her DH was late, so we said we'd meet her in the restaurant at 9.30.

I bumped into one of DH's work associates in the bar, so chatted to him briefly before he left. After this, one of the bar staff brought over two drinks and told us that these were from two men by the bar. I was a bit Confused, but my friend took the drinks and it felt a bit rude and dramatic not to, I suppose. Anyway, these two guys came over. They were fine, Americans living in London. Of course I told them I was married. The one I was talking to was about 45 and had a daughter by his ex and we we were just talking about kids mainly. Anyway, when we left, my friend had arranged to go out for dinner with the other guy. She had his card and had given him her (correct) phone number. She was really happy about it and he seemed nice, so I thought good for her.

When I got in I told DH about this and he's not happy, to say the least! He says it's very disrespectful of me to be seen out and about being chatted up by other men and what if the guy he works with had seen this (he didn't because he had left). He says I have put myself at risk and I'm naive to not think about how I look sitting with a female friend in a bar "dressed like that!" This comment has upset me because I don't dress "like that". But I can see his point that if the situation was reversed I wouldn't like it.

As I say, I don't get out much so maybe I am a bit out of practise with this kind of thing, but should I have sent the drink back? Or left when they came over? I probably would have left sooner tbh, if my friend had wanted to. AIBU and what should I have done?

OP posts:
hettie · 20/05/2017 11:27

Does he have other redeeming qualities? He talked to you like a 12 year old "leave you to think about to your behaviour" Shock . I'd tell him that I was appalled by his reaction and behaviour and use of language... I'd let him know it was unacceptable and if want to know how we were going to work together to sort this out (actually tbh if it was me i wouldn't be in a relationship with such a cock womble... But presumably you choose him for a reason)

kittybiscuits · 20/05/2017 11:27

He sounds like a controlling wanker and is probably not trustworthy himself. You can wear whatever you want to wear. It's not on and this sounds like the tip of the iceberg.

NoLoveofMine · 20/05/2017 11:27

He says of course he does trust me, but it's other people he doesn't trust. He is acting like my dad and it's a far from attractive quality at the moment. He should be encouraging me to get out more because I've been telling him I need to do this more for my sanity.

Even my dad wouldn't speak to me in the manner your husband did to you (let alone hold those opinions).

He's not even being supportive of you and seems to actually be trying to discourage you from going out - make you feel he's going to sulk every time you do so you stop doing it. Not nice at all.

Gwenhwyfar · 20/05/2017 11:28

"In American culture there is no need to send the drinks back, nothing is implied or expected be accepting them."

I'm not sure that's the case here. If you'r standing by the bar and someone offers you a drink there is an expectation that you'll chat with them while drinking it so I can see how someone may think the same when the drink's been sent over.

Only happened once to my in my life. I accepted it, but my male friend appeared a few minutes later anyway.

NoLoveofMine · 20/05/2017 11:30

You're not 17yo anymore!

I am though and even my dad wouldn't speak to me in such a manner.

NoLoveofMine · 20/05/2017 11:31

If he thinks the culture of men approaching women in bars is sleazy and seedy then he needs to take it up with men and see how far he gets.

Unfortunately he seems to think this is the fault of women, who should stop "dressing like that" to avoid male attention and assault.

kaitlinktm · 20/05/2017 11:32

"I'll leave you to think about your behaviour"

FFS who does he think he is - your Dad? How old does he think you are? This annoyed me more than all the other stuff - ok maybe not, but still. I wonder if he will ask you if have thought about it when he gets back? If he does, tell him you've been thinking about his misogynistic, controlling, man-child behaviour. I am convinced this stems from him having a hard time putting his own children to bed last night. He obviously needs more practice.

Agree with PP your outfit has no bearing on the matter, you wear what you like and if he had a problem with it, it's strange he didn't mention it before you went out, and then you could have told him to fuck off

notanurse2017 · 20/05/2017 11:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 20/05/2017 11:34

This morning he stomped off saying, "I'll leave you to think about your behaviour"

Do you mean stomped off out, leaving you to look after the DCs?

NoLoveofMine · 20/05/2017 11:36

Do you mean stomped off out, leaving you to look after the DCs?

Indeed. After the OP had to delay going out because he apparently couldn't get their children to settle last night. It seems he deems looking after children to be women's role.

MilesHuntsWig · 20/05/2017 11:42

"Dressed like that" "...think about your behaviour"

He is a misogynistic idiot. Seriously. It would be glib to say "I couldn't be with somebody with opinions like that" as it may be an incremental thing etc etc but TBH I would seriously challenge some of this archaic attitude and disrespectful approach.

He is BVU and a complete arse.

Jux · 20/05/2017 11:44

He was in a bad mood because he'd had to see to the kids and spend an evening with no adult company and he didn't like it. How dare you do that to him? Why do you think it's OK to go out amongst people and have a nice time when he's stuck at home bored? Why are you not dancing attendance on him and attending to his every whim?

If you're lucky and he's an OK bloke, he'll think better of his attitude and apologise to you.

As for "think about your behaviour", that leaves me almost speechless. If he isn't apologising to you the moment he gets in the door, then I think you could say "I've thought about my behaviour, as you so avuncularly exhorted me to do, and have concluded that it was completely appropriate throughout. Have you thought about yours?"

MilesHuntsWig · 20/05/2017 11:44

Also stop stooping to justifying you weren't "dressed like that". You don't need to, it's irrelevant - he trusts you or he doesn't!

PeaFaceMcgee · 20/05/2017 11:50

He thinks he owns you. He's being emotionally abusive and controlling. Think on that.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 20/05/2017 11:50

Gwen, I think there's a difference between someone asking in person to buy you a drink while standing next to you at the bar, and someone sending over a round for the table via a waiter.

I remember being out for a drink with my mother once and two men sent over a round. It was a bit odd. They were in between my and my mother's age and they just raised their glasses to say hi from across the room and kept to themselves. She's single so I wouldn't have declined in case she wanted to chat. Though it actually didn't occur to me to decline...

OP, when going out with a single friend it is a truth universally acknowledged that if they meet someone they like you will be stuck talking to that person's friend. It's why I don't go out with certain people. If they think they have a chance at finding love you don't deny them that. That's called being a good friend.

I'm a bit disturbed that you seem to have some of the same views as your DH, saying how you don't dress "like that" and don't drink much. So what if you did? Or other women do?

NoLoveofMine · 20/05/2017 11:55

I'm a bit disturbed that you seem to have some of the same views as your DH, saying how you don't dress "like that" and don't drink much. So what if you did? Or other women do?

Quite. This kind of attitude is so pernicious and very dangerous.

Naicehamshop · 20/05/2017 11:55

You sound like you need to hoik up your big girl pants and tell him how disappointed you are with his attitude.

Don't let him get away with talking to you like this - it really is the thin end of the wedge.

Gwenhwyfar · 20/05/2017 12:02

"OP, when going out with a single friend it is a truth universally acknowledged that if they meet someone they like you will be stuck talking to that person's friend. It's why I don't go out with certain people. If they think they have a chance at finding love you don't deny them that. That's called being a good friend. "

I don't really agree with that as a single woman. There's going out for a drink with a friend and there's going on the pull. If I'm out with a friend I will say no to strange men joining us. If she wants to go on the pull she can go with someone who actually likes talking to strangers.

Original poster
silversparks · 20/05/2017 12:04

I did feel that he was being ridiculous, although if he was in a bar with a friend and two women joined them, I have to admit I wouldn't like it, so that's why I was asking if I was BU.
Also, I feel so much older now than when this kind of thing used to happen in my early 20s and was wondering if I was missing something.
He does believe that the guy didn't touch me and Ibviously I would have been off if that was the case. I like to think I have quite a good "radar", but equally I don't think everyone is a psychopath either.
He has taken DS1 to his match this morning, but when he gets back I'm just going to tell him that I was helping a friend and that's it.

OP posts:
viques · 20/05/2017 12:05

The only thing I find disrespectful about your story is the fact that your jealous man child husband is apparently unable to cope with putting three children, none of whom are babies, or even clingy toddlers , to bed unaided. At the ages of 9,7 and 5 you should be able to say " give mummy her goodnight kiss now, I'll see you in the morning" and waltz off to a class, the gym, swimming, bar cruising, the cinema the theatre or whatever else you fancy doing.

Jux · 20/05/2017 12:05

If he succeeds in flattening your evening this time, then he'll do it again next time, and eventually you will find that going out is not worth the bother you get from him and you'll become completely isolated. Be that time you'll have no idea what 'normal' used to be.

Stand up against it now.

NoLoveofMine · 20/05/2017 12:07

I find it a little frustrating you won't engage with the misogyny inherent in your husband's opinions and various other points people have brought up about his comments and behaviour, silversparks.

Naicehamshop · 20/05/2017 12:12

Also say "Do NOT tell me to think about my behaviour. You are not my father and you have absolutely no right to speak to me like that."

Come on, op. COME ON!! Don't be such a door mat. Look again at Jux's post above - do you want this to be your life?

Honeybee79 · 20/05/2017 12:13

Your DH is being ridiculous.

Oblomov17 · 20/05/2017 12:17

At risk?
Dressed like that?

What a knob!!