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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DH over drinks in a bar?

192 replies

silversparks · 20/05/2017 09:54

Sorry about this, but DH has gone out in a huff and I don't know what to think.

We have 3 DC aged 9, 7 and 5 so I don't get out much in the evenings. A friend of mine is going through some horrible divorce proceedings and feeling very low and isolated. It was another friend's birthday, so we arranged to go out for cocktails and dinner. This was last night.

I wanted to get out quite early as DH isn't that practised in getting the DC settled on his own and I knew I would get dragged into it, so I met my friend (the one going through the divorce) at 7.30 in a place that does amazing cocktails. The other friend was held up as her DH was late, so we said we'd meet her in the restaurant at 9.30.

I bumped into one of DH's work associates in the bar, so chatted to him briefly before he left. After this, one of the bar staff brought over two drinks and told us that these were from two men by the bar. I was a bit Confused, but my friend took the drinks and it felt a bit rude and dramatic not to, I suppose. Anyway, these two guys came over. They were fine, Americans living in London. Of course I told them I was married. The one I was talking to was about 45 and had a daughter by his ex and we we were just talking about kids mainly. Anyway, when we left, my friend had arranged to go out for dinner with the other guy. She had his card and had given him her (correct) phone number. She was really happy about it and he seemed nice, so I thought good for her.

When I got in I told DH about this and he's not happy, to say the least! He says it's very disrespectful of me to be seen out and about being chatted up by other men and what if the guy he works with had seen this (he didn't because he had left). He says I have put myself at risk and I'm naive to not think about how I look sitting with a female friend in a bar "dressed like that!" This comment has upset me because I don't dress "like that". But I can see his point that if the situation was reversed I wouldn't like it.

As I say, I don't get out much so maybe I am a bit out of practise with this kind of thing, but should I have sent the drink back? Or left when they came over? I probably would have left sooner tbh, if my friend had wanted to. AIBU and what should I have done?

OP posts:
scottishdiem · 20/05/2017 14:40

Your DH is being a total dick. You should be able to go out and your DH should be able to put his kids to bed.

But remember there are a whole load of women (here and in Relationships) who post that their partners have gone out for drinks and spoken to women and they are upset about it. Often they are told that he is preparing for an OW, has checked out of the relationship etc. Its amusing the reaction here is the opposite.

CheeseQueen · 20/05/2017 14:49

But remember there are a whole load of women (here and in Relationships) who post that their partners have gone out for drinks and spoken to women and they are upset about it. Often they are told that he is preparing for an OW, has checked out of the relationship etc. Its amusing the reaction here is the opposite.

Why would any woman be upset with their DH for saying he's married and not available, and then carrying on speaking to them?
I could see your point if they were obviously flirting. Talking though? Nope, not so much. Just because you're married that doesn't mean you're not allowed to talk to members of the opposite sex anymore. Confused
If you don't like your DH talking to females at all I say the exact same thing as I do in this scenario - it's a jealousy and trust issue.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/05/2017 14:54

He's not misogynist in general because he hasn't had to be. So far, you sort the kids while he does what he likes. Suits him fine. The second you go out and he has to deal with the children, he comes over all Victoria father.

For the record, sending drinks over is pretty common in North America. It happened the night I met DH. Wasn't him sending the drinks BTW Grin Because it isn't compulsory to shag the bloke who does send the drinks.

hettie · 20/05/2017 14:58

You say he's not normally a misogynistic arse.... But then you admit you can count on the fingers of one hand the times you've been out, yet he goes out all the time.... if you don't want this kind of relationship now is the time to make a stance.... Come on op, no one thinks he was even remotely reasonable....

MrsELM21 · 20/05/2017 15:04

Good grief, another one saying he is being ridiculous, you've done absolutely nothing wrong and I bet you looked fab in that (completely acceptable) dress

scottishdiem · 20/05/2017 15:10

Just because you're married that doesn't mean you're not allowed to talk to members of the opposite sex anymore.

Oh I totally agree with you CheeseQueen but so many women do not. By any given measure used by so many women here I am neck deep in an emotional affair because my best friend is the opposite sex and I can talk to them about anything and often speak several times a week (sometimes, depending on circumstances, several times a day).

I think both men and women need to utterly relax about friendships with the opposite sex and when going out, speaking to people and acting as a wingperson for a single friend. The DH in this case is actually far more controlling than this single incident suggests I think.

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 20/05/2017 15:34

wearing a very similar dress and he's never had an issue with it before

Ahhhh....but did you help put the kids bed that time? I think that's his real issue - that you ensured he would be completely responsible for parenting his own dc.

It's ok for him to be away from the family, to have regular nights out etc but not you?

He's just trying to squash you back into the box he thinks he had you in......i suggest you re-evaluate your 'relationship' and decide whether this is what you want to 'put up' with for the rest of your life.
Then tell him to 'think about his behaviour'.

He's trying to shame you, guilt trip you, infantilise and emotionally blackmail you into being subservient to him.

For all you know he could be chatting up/shagging other women whilst he's away at work.

BlondeB83 · 20/05/2017 15:45

Sending over drinks is a very American thing to do, you were being a great wing woman! Your husband is BVU.

Eminado · 20/05/2017 15:49

OP he's overreacting because he's put out at finding that his DW, who he quite probably takes a little bit for granted, has still got it. He's using the personal safety angle because he knows how ridiculous he sounds and this is the only way he can get away with telling you off.

Totally agree.

WelliesAndPyjamas · 20/05/2017 15:51

Tell him the 19th Century telegraphed and wants him back

Silverdream · 20/05/2017 16:02

I think he feels vulnerable. You're getting attention and his instinct is to be defensive because it's unnerved him. He knows deep down that you wouldn't do anything but it's caught him on the back foot and he's reacted without thinking about it.
Once he's thought about it and talked it through with you he'll realise. You could look at it as he's being a bit jealous and doesn't like you getting attention because he loves you.

corythatwas · 20/05/2017 16:06

Silverdream, is the fact that the dh goes out regularly but makes the OP feel bad if she leaves him with the children on one occasion also because he loves her? Or because he thinks there should be different rules for men and women?

LadySalmakia · 20/05/2017 16:11

Just to chime in, I asked my husband what he would think in this scenario, and he said "I'd think well done on getting a free drink and glad it helped your mate get a date."

Your husband is being a misogynistic arse.

Luncharmstrong · 20/05/2017 16:25

What bar was it ?
Think I'll go .

Your dh is being stupid.

BoysofMelody · 20/05/2017 16:27

Your husband is being a weapons-grade twat.

Believe it or not, I can hold a conversation with a member of the opposite sex, because gasp, I might want to talk to them, rather than jump their bones, nor do I assume that by talking to me they are giving me the come on and that's the same if they were wearing a boiler suit or a bikini. So whatever the fuck you want to wear is precisely 0% of his business.

I've spent the evening chatting to women I've met in a pub and my wife does the same with groups of men. One night on a particularly dull works night out, she got talking to some blokes on a stag do, ditched her colleagues and went on a pub crawl with them. Neither of us were interested in playing away and trust each other to do the same.

I've always felt that the most surefire way to ensure someone will be unfaithful is to continue to accuse them of being so. The constant suspicion is exhausting and yes, in my experience those men who try to control their partners, where they go and what they wear (normally wrapped up in terms of 'i trust you, bit I don't trust other men's are usually major league cheaters/sleezebags who are judging the rest of the world by their own behaviour.

WannaBe · 20/05/2017 16:32

Accepting drinks from men in bars is a green light to be chatted up. And where does the accepting to be supportive of a friend end? My eXH used to have a friend who used to routinely take off his wedding ring when he went out. He said it was because women wouldn't talk to the group if any of them were wearing a ring, I think it's safe to say he enjoyed the female attention.

While I agree that the OP's DH is perhaps overreacting with some of his comments, I think that if a woman came on here and posted that her husband had been out chatting to another woman all night in order to "support a friend on the pull" the reactions on here would be vastly different.

BoysofMelody · 20/05/2017 16:33

What bar was it ?

Wait til you try our local, my wife was 5p short for a bag of pork scratchings and the landlord let her off the 5p. Can you imagine

I bet it was a come on, luring her ion with cut price porky snacks, maybe I should deck him or forbid her from going out without a chaperone or a full burka just to be on the safe side.

DoloresTheRunawayTrain · 20/05/2017 16:39

He's being a twat and after the think about your behaviour comment I would be having some fun with that. I would tell him he is absolutely right you won't be going out dressed like that anymore because you have found religion. It's an all female sect which dresses very conservatively, has many weekend meets ( no men invited) and believes sex is sacred and for reproductive purposes only and well you already have your family unit. So now he gets to look after the kids more often and doesn't have to worry as there are no men around and you are dressed like nanna. Plus there's no need to get jealous as you aren't a sexual being in this new sect anyway. Then tell him to stop being such a twat and wind his neck in. He doesn't own you, if you go out and show anyone up it's yourself (not that you did anything wrong) and if he seriously thinks wedding vows translates to ownership of the female body then he needs to get himself a solicitor.

MonicaInPearls · 20/05/2017 16:41

It's not about the man in the bar or the free drinks or the dress.

It's the "going out independently" that he's trying to sabotage.

He thinks if he puts a passive aggressive whiny controlling damper on you every time you go out ( even to, say, Pilates class or to the gym) you'll end up giving up and staying in every night with the children.

Then, of course, in five years time you'll be the "boring dull fat frump" to him so of course he's then justified in his admiration for the new secretary at work because you've "let yourself go"

PeaFaceMcgee · 20/05/2017 16:48

Also really low of him to worry about what his work colleague would have 'thought of you'

This is all shades of unacceptable behaviour from him.

corythatwas · 20/05/2017 17:02

WannaBe Sat 20-May-17 16:32:17
"Accepting drinks from men in bars is a green light to be chatted up. And where does the accepting to be supportive of a friend end? My eXH used to have a friend who used to routinely take off his wedding ring when he went out."

So where is the analogy to the OP who instantly informed them that she was married and did not indulge in any flirting?

Doobigetta · 20/05/2017 17:46

Any man who thinks that sending a woman an unsolicited drink buys him her time, her company or anything else thoroughly deserves to be disappointed.

Original poster
silversparks · 20/05/2017 18:51

We had a "chat" because he noticed I was being quiet. I told him I had just been trying to help a friend out. He said he was just being honest and how do I expect him to react. He did apologise about the comments about the way I was dressed having anything to do with it. He said he's more concerned that I'm too "nice" and "trusting" of people and many men don't care if you're married or not and will say whatever they need to say to get what they want. He asked me how I would feel if he was buying women drinks in bars.
I acknowledged how he feels but was very clear that I have my own radar about these things and I'm the last person to hang around in dodgy situations. He said again that he's concerned about my safety and if this going out at night is going to be a more regular thing he thinks we should stick in larger groups. I asked him how he would feel if I stipulated what size group he has to go out in. Then he got quite abrupt and said, "Ok no more about it, I've told you how I feel", or something like that. Hmm

OP posts:
corythatwas · 20/05/2017 18:52

"Then he got quite abrupt and said, "Ok no more about it, I've told you how I feel","

So he gets to decide when a conversation is at end? Which is when he has laid down the law? Hmm

NotISaidTheWalrus · 20/05/2017 18:53

He says it's very disrespectful of me to be seen out and about being chatted up by other men

Well yes, he owns you and you should not let other men see you with anyone else, in case they think your DH is not really a man at all.

FFS.