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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DH over drinks in a bar?

192 replies

silversparks · 20/05/2017 09:54

Sorry about this, but DH has gone out in a huff and I don't know what to think.

We have 3 DC aged 9, 7 and 5 so I don't get out much in the evenings. A friend of mine is going through some horrible divorce proceedings and feeling very low and isolated. It was another friend's birthday, so we arranged to go out for cocktails and dinner. This was last night.

I wanted to get out quite early as DH isn't that practised in getting the DC settled on his own and I knew I would get dragged into it, so I met my friend (the one going through the divorce) at 7.30 in a place that does amazing cocktails. The other friend was held up as her DH was late, so we said we'd meet her in the restaurant at 9.30.

I bumped into one of DH's work associates in the bar, so chatted to him briefly before he left. After this, one of the bar staff brought over two drinks and told us that these were from two men by the bar. I was a bit Confused, but my friend took the drinks and it felt a bit rude and dramatic not to, I suppose. Anyway, these two guys came over. They were fine, Americans living in London. Of course I told them I was married. The one I was talking to was about 45 and had a daughter by his ex and we we were just talking about kids mainly. Anyway, when we left, my friend had arranged to go out for dinner with the other guy. She had his card and had given him her (correct) phone number. She was really happy about it and he seemed nice, so I thought good for her.

When I got in I told DH about this and he's not happy, to say the least! He says it's very disrespectful of me to be seen out and about being chatted up by other men and what if the guy he works with had seen this (he didn't because he had left). He says I have put myself at risk and I'm naive to not think about how I look sitting with a female friend in a bar "dressed like that!" This comment has upset me because I don't dress "like that". But I can see his point that if the situation was reversed I wouldn't like it.

As I say, I don't get out much so maybe I am a bit out of practise with this kind of thing, but should I have sent the drink back? Or left when they came over? I probably would have left sooner tbh, if my friend had wanted to. AIBU and what should I have done?

OP posts:
Original poster
silversparks · 20/05/2017 12:18

Yes I do wonder if he's trying to flatten my evening out.
NotLove - I do see what you're saying. He's not misogynistic in general and normally wouldn't pass comment on what I'm wearing. He has moments when he overreacts though and this is one of them.

OP posts:
NoLoveofMine · 20/05/2017 12:28

He's not misogynistic in general and normally wouldn't pass comment on what I'm wearing. He has moments when he overreacts though and this is one of them.

But he is judging what other women wear with comments such as "dressed like that" and implying women are responsible if men choose to attack them. This is, to me, a misogynist and victim blaming attitude.

I also think this is more than overreacting - it's an attempt to make you feel bad for going out, potentially to stop you from doing so in future. He seems to think attending to the children is your job too.

JaneEyre70 · 20/05/2017 12:30

I had a single friend when I was in my early 30s and we often used to go out in a group - DH never ever was bothered by it. I often would be at the bar and get my drink bought and would say thanks and say hello etc but never anything past that and I very clearly had my wedding and engagement ring on. I would tell DH and he'd laugh, saying he knows he has good taste Grin. It truly never bothered him remotely because we have absolute trust in each other. You are not BU whatsoever, and I'd take question with a H that tries to put a dampener on a good night out...........

LadyLapsang · 20/05/2017 12:33

His comments say much more about the way he thinks and - I suspect - behaves, than how you behaved. I have had drinks sent over in a bar, always from very respectful guys, and I've been married three decades. I think you need to go out more, not less. What you should think about is why he wanted to spoil your nice night out.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 20/05/2017 12:45

What were you at risk of? A second free drink?

PeaFaceMcgee · 20/05/2017 12:47

He's not misogynistic in general

Oh, so just misogynistic on this occasion then Hmm

Don't just say you were "helping your friend". Tell him that his comments to you were completely unacceptable, sexist and you don't expect to hear anything like that again.

AnyFucker · 20/05/2017 12:51

I could understand his thought processes if you were the one buying the drinks and directly seeking out male company

Otherwise, he is being a dick

corythatwas · 20/05/2017 12:52

If you can't get out in the evening for other child-related reasons than breast-feeding or severe SN requiring two people on the spot, then that says something about his attitude to women right there. Why does he get the luxury of not knowing how to settle his own children?

Motherbear26 · 20/05/2017 12:53

OP he's overreacting because he's put out at finding that his DW, who he quite probably takes a little bit for granted, has still got it. He's using the personal safety angle because he knows how ridiculous he sounds and this is the only way he can get away with telling you off. Your dress is beautiful and perfectly appropriate, NOT that it would matter a jot if it wasn't, and you were just being a good wingman. What were you going to do while your friend was chatting, walk away by yourself? Would that have been safer?! I would take no notice at all. You've done nothing wrong and he'll calm down soon enough. And if he doesn't, tough.

YoloSwaggins · 20/05/2017 12:54

He's being a twit.

Of course you can dress up and go out for drinks and god forbid, talk to the opposite sex! JFC! Ignore him.

TheMythOfFingerprints · 20/05/2017 12:55

Tell him you have had a think about your behaviour, you think it was great to get out with your mate and you'll definitely be doing it more often.

DoorwayToNorway · 20/05/2017 12:55

He says of course he does trust me, but it's other people he doesn't trust.

You are not a piece of property. He doesn't trust other men to stay off his woman is what he means.
The type of men who attack women will do so regardless of what they wear, if they ignore, make eye contact or speak to them. That type of man twist anything to justify his assumption that he has the right to a woman's body. You don't make yourself more or less vulnerable just because you went out at night, with a friend in a very nice dress. Your husband saying you did speaks volumes about him, everyone on this thread can see that OP. You really need to assess your situation and discuss this with him ASAP.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 20/05/2017 13:03

I don't really agree with that as a single woman. There's going out for a drink with a friend and there's going on the pull. If I'm out with a friend I will say no to strange men joining us. If she wants to go on the pull she can go with someone who actually likes talking to strangers.

She didn't 'go out on the pull'. She was sitting in a bar when some blokes came over. One of them asked her to meet him on another occasion for dinner. She accepted and left the bar with her friend, who had just chatted politely to some one for a few minutes. It's hardly getting down to it in the corner, going back to his and abandoning her. I wouldn't have thought twice about it as the OP other than hoping their date goes well.

RebelRogue · 20/05/2017 13:03

If you really really would be annoyed if the roles were reversed and over the actual situation not his spin on it and what ifs then YAB(a bit) U.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 20/05/2017 13:04

And yanbu at all op, quite obviously you did nothing wrong.

Original poster
silversparks · 20/05/2017 13:05

Thankyou. Yes he goes where he wants all the time and I get this nonsense, as if he's on the moral high ground. He's back now and hard to gauge his mood as the kids are around and we're going for lunch. But I will be speaking to him later because I can count on my fingers the nights out I've had without him since DS1 and I don't need this.

OP posts:
SomuchSlow · 20/05/2017 13:07

Oh, I know a bar on Brompton Road that regularly has men sending drinks over - it's Eclipse. Super friendly and have never felt it was them being flirtatious after I've explained I'm in an LTR, just wanting a chat etc.

On the other hand - Maggie's is where I regularly encounter sleazy types who just won't take no for an answer... This is usually much later though.

kittybiscuits · 20/05/2017 13:09

If and when there is further discussion, maybe try and step back from the conversation. Watch and listen to him. Imagine you are a friend behind your own shoulder. Try to watch it rather than be in it. Don't say a lot. Your eyes and ears are open now.

StillHungryy · 20/05/2017 13:28

The dressed like that comment isn't necessary or right but like you say if it was reversed you wouldn't have liked it and would you have been ok if he was a wingman to his friend and sent over a drink to women even if he says it wasn't a flirty thing?

Overall though I wouldn't let it tarnish your night

StillHungryy · 20/05/2017 13:34

Also what if someone else he knew saw you with the business colleague surely they could have assumed you were with another man anyway but he didn't seem annoyed at that?

anotherpoisonprince · 20/05/2017 13:38

Sorry OP I have to agree with kittybiscuits I'd be looking at him from a step back when you discuss this further. I'd really be concerned as to why he feels as he does. It would make me incredibly uncomfortable and wary.

noitsnotme · 20/05/2017 13:46

He's sounds pretty awful. You are his wife. His equal, not his property.

I'd tell him you've thought about HIS behaviour, and level of respect for you, and you're disappointed to realise what kind of man you may have married

It's sounds to me like you had a good night, and your friends luck might be turning because of how did/didn't behave. Your husband should be proud to have married a supportive, attractive, outgoing woman, who comes home and talks to him. He should have been pleased for your friend, not tried to bring you down, for fear of how it looked to anyone else.

Get your next night out organised, today!

Willow2017 · 20/05/2017 14:10

Oh Lord tell him you have thought about it and he is still a fucking idiot who is immature a s controlling

CheeseQueen · 20/05/2017 14:31

He also said we should go out in larger groups of at least four from now on

Shock What, for talking to a man? I honestly don't see his problem! I could see he'd be pissed off if you'd "got off" with the bloke, or flirted back, but you said no thanks as you're married and nothing happened! That's massively over-reacting. He 's entitled to say that he thinks you should only go out in groups of 4 from now on, but you're also entitled to tell him to get to fuck if he does! Seriously, if my DH said that (married approx 15 years) he'd be met with this face Confused and then a loud "Erm, NO!" then I'd go out again the weekend after just 'cos he told me "not" to
CheeseQueen · 20/05/2017 14:39

This morning he stomped off saying, "I'll leave you to think about your behaviour".

How old are you, 8?!
Oh and if your reaction wasn't an incredulous look, followed by the giggles and a sarcastic "Yes Dad!" you're more restrained than I am.

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