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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or is DH over drinks in a bar?

192 replies

silversparks · 20/05/2017 09:54

Sorry about this, but DH has gone out in a huff and I don't know what to think.

We have 3 DC aged 9, 7 and 5 so I don't get out much in the evenings. A friend of mine is going through some horrible divorce proceedings and feeling very low and isolated. It was another friend's birthday, so we arranged to go out for cocktails and dinner. This was last night.

I wanted to get out quite early as DH isn't that practised in getting the DC settled on his own and I knew I would get dragged into it, so I met my friend (the one going through the divorce) at 7.30 in a place that does amazing cocktails. The other friend was held up as her DH was late, so we said we'd meet her in the restaurant at 9.30.

I bumped into one of DH's work associates in the bar, so chatted to him briefly before he left. After this, one of the bar staff brought over two drinks and told us that these were from two men by the bar. I was a bit , but my friend took the drinks and it felt a bit rude and dramatic not to, I suppose. Anyway, these two guys came over. They were fine, Americans living in London. Of course I told them I was married. The one I was talking to was about 45 and had a daughter by his ex and we we were just talking about kids mainly. Anyway, when we left, my friend had arranged to go out for dinner with the other guy. She had his card and had given him her (correct) phone number. She was really happy about it and he seemed nice, so I thought good for her.

When I got in I told DH about this and he's not happy, to say the least! He says it's very disrespectful of me to be seen out and about being chatted up by other men and what if the guy he works with had seen this (he didn't because he had left). He says I have put myself at risk and I'm naive to not think about how I look sitting with a female friend in a bar "dressed like that!" This comment has upset me because I don't dress "like that". But I can see his point that if the situation was reversed I wouldn't like it.

As I say, I don't get out much so maybe I am a bit out of practise with this kind of thing, but should I have sent the drink back? Or left when they came over? I probably would have left sooner tbh, if my friend had wanted to. AIBU and what should I have done?

OP posts:

TestTubeTeen · 21/05/2017 10:46

Evidently! People say LOL on MN all the time. I could have used a smiley, I suppose, if that would have suited your standards better?

MN is full of threads picking apart men's behaviour and supporting suspicion. Of course this is often based on the hard experience of people who have seen their partner stray. Likewise doubtless many marriages that have foundered have featured women finding flattery and attention in bars, as the OP's DH seems to fear.

TheNaze73 · 21/05/2017 10:58

I think he's being a tit

DoorwayToNorway · 21/05/2017 11:01

I think the OP'S husband is just worried that his nights out will be cut down for his wife to have a social life. He's doing everything he can to try and minimise that.

Original poster

silversparks · 21/05/2017 11:54

Thanks for all the perspectives. I know people on the wrong side of affairs often say that they had no clue. All I can say is, I've never had any suspicions so far. His own parents have been together over 50 years and he admires this. He's a very affectionate person and I would sense if something had changed, I think?

Doorway - I think you may have something there because since my youngest started school, I'm finding that I have more energy for things like going out. DH has never really had to work around me, so maybe he needs to adjust? This could well have a lot to do with it.

OP posts:

OfficerVanHalen · 21/05/2017 12:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 21/05/2017 13:03

I was out for cocktails with a friend yesterday, amongst other things....My dh said "did you have a lovely time?" when he collected me from the station

As OfficeVanHalen says listen to what he says and how he says it, it's his issue, not yours.

darceybussell · 21/05/2017 13:39

I have had this happen to me before. I was away with work and in the hotel bar a pair of American men sent some drinks over to me and my colleague. We weren't sure what to do so we made polite conversation with them for a bit and then left.

I told my husband when I got home. He was totally nonplussed about the whole thing and I suspect if I mentioned it to him now he wouldn't even remember. I think that's probably the more normal way to react. I'm not sure what your husband expected you to do - get up and sprint out of the bar??

He sounds like a bit of a dick OP, there seem to be quite a few of these men about who think they are their wives' boss - my dad is a bit like that with my mum but I just thought that was a generational thing - maybe not!

Jaxhog · 21/05/2017 14:09

Oh, he's just jealous! He'll get over it.

Bananamanfan · 21/05/2017 14:20

How dare he make pronouncements about how you will be going out in future. What a prize dick. I hate hate hate all the "putting yourself at risk" bollocks too. You have done nothing wrong, op

professorvape · 21/05/2017 15:31

Went out this weekend. The owner of the bar got wind of the fact it was my friend's birthday and brought us over some drinks. Awesome! Friend's DH was sat nearby. I text my DP 'woohoo got free drinks!'. Not an eyelid raised by either of them. And I was wearing a very short summer dress and heels, if that is relevant at all. I'd have felt rude as hell refusing the drinks! Your DH is being an arse.

Talkingmouse · 21/05/2017 16:02

Wow, he sounded worse after every update you gave . As others said, get yourself on another night out v soon.

Trollspoopglitter · 21/05/2017 16:04

I use to travel a lot as did my coworkers. I would always be shocked to see them with their partners at firm events - it was a completely different side to them than the way they behave when the team would go out for dinners/drinks while overseas on work trips. They were much nicer around their wives.

ModerateBecomingGoodLater · 21/05/2017 19:26

Giving me shudders, this thread.

Are we married to the same person OP?

Mine you, mine would be weepy and disappointed and sad about my behavior, not as abrupt and dismissive as yours.

Olddear · 21/05/2017 19:50

He sounds like a character from some Victorian melodrama! Leaving you to think about your behaviour......what an eejit! I'd have laughed in his face!

Original poster

silversparks · 21/05/2017 20:18

Thankyou. I never expected so much response on this. We've had friends here this afternoon and he's been in super charming mode because he definitely knows how to switch that on. The main thing is that I'm not going to be deterred from starting to get some life back and I'm not going to feel guilty about socialising without him being present as it's not normal. Thanks again!

OP posts:

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 21/05/2017 20:20

Yes! Go out loads. He'll get over it the more you do it.

Clnz4fun · 21/05/2017 22:45

Bit late to thread op but it definitely sounds like he isn't comfortable with you climbing out of your box. I doubt he will accept your argument completely but don't let it deter you from having a social life. He will have to learn.

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