What makes someone like this...ridiculously calm

[gameofthorns]

There's this work colleague that works in my office. She's been here 6 months now. 'm not in love with her (honest) 😂

But I find her fascinating to watch!
She just has very very serene mannerisms and an incredibly calm presence. Her movements are completely soft and seem to just flow! She reminds me of a calm breeze!

I've never met anyone like it before. She's so calm she had a calming effect on others too! I find myself feeling calm in her presence and when she works with distressed angry service users she has managed to turn them all into polite, calm young people within a few meetings with her. If people do get angry with her it's like speaking to a brick wall. She shows NO emotion and quickly people feel bad and apologise to her or make an effort to be normal/nice again. She simply doesn't do conflict. If someone talks badly about her, betrays her or generally does something most people would shout at them for, she literally doesn't react at all. Just continues being friendly to the person and forgets about it.

I've never met someone like this. I've met shy people who are quiet because hey lack confidence. But she doesn't. She is extroverted and chatty. Likes to have a laugh but just has completely and utterly calm mannerisms and way of speaking. It's almost like she is in slow motion!!!

Has you ever met anyone like this? What makes someone like this? Upbringing?

And how on earth do I try and become as calm as this?

It's a lovely personal quality to have.

Oh, I'm pretty passionate about certain things...my DH, my DDs, books, raising awareness about the peri menopause...

Being calm is a good quality, I would like to be calmer in certain situations. I can see how going through something difficult could make you calm in most situations. I remember when I found out about my illness - I was anything but calm - however it has given me a new perspective and I am calmer at home. Your colleague has been through something even more difficult and so it is understandable that she has an even greater sense of calm.

Empathy is also linked with caring what others thinks of you though. I don't necessarily want everyone to like me- they don't for a start. But I am not really an " I will do and say what I like because I don't care if you like it not" person because I hate upsetting others. I probably over analyse things because I hate the idea of upsetting other people.

Top reasons I can think of:
Super meds
Alien body-swap
Cast-iron control over her emotions
Failure to understand the situation entirely

But she might just be one of those people who things simply don't "get to" because she's above all that.

My old boss is like that. She just doesn't engage with conflict, feels no need to let others know what she's thinking and can just shrug off hostility. She works in a really fraught environment with people with mental health problems and some seriously power crazed management.

I was once composing a long email to some now who had behaved like a twat explaining my point of view and got her to read it over. She suggested I just write that there's no need for any further meetings and leave it at that. It was sooo liberating..

I have a lovely friend who is so like that, she's a calming breath of fresh air and gentleness every time I see her. Shes wonderful to be around!

I am told I'm like this. People say they feel calm just sitting next to me. Quite bonkers. I feel like I'm constantly overwhelmed and anxious.

Sorry, not helpful!
shrugs

When you're angry with someone you are disrespecting them.

This is not the case for me. Indeed it is a mark of how much respect I have for someone that I am able to articulate my anger towards them. It means that I value the relationship and trust that it will survive. One does not need to shout to express anger; one can articulate it in a calm way.

"When you're angry with someone you're disrespecting them"

How? I mean, if you vent that anger at them, shout at them, allow them to feel the full force of your wrath, then I can see the point - but how is it "disrespectful" for you to have feelings of anger towards another person? How are your feelings, that you are fully entitled to have, that other person's problem if you don't act on them?

I think that's a load of BS, actually. Anger is a necessary emotion - not physical expression of it, but the actual emotion - to be fully human.

Anger is a necessary emotion - not physical expression of it, but the actual emotion - to be fully human.

I agree. It's not 'disrespectful*, any more than being disappointed or frustrated with them is.

I remember a very naughty boy in a very naughty class saying to me " do you never get angry Miss". I thought to myself I need to try a lot harder to show my anger because I am absolutely fucking furious and you have no clue,

I believe I'm like this at work. It comes from having dealt with so much shit in my professional and personal life, that almost nothing that happens at work has much impact.

I'm also chronically mildly depressed, but you would have no idea of that if you worked with me.

My DH is like this. I have questioned him about it.

• He doesn't think anything really matters
• He never feels angry
• He doesn't have OPINIONS on anything

He descibres himself as basically very shallow

He is v successful and everyone loves him.

He does think he is a bit ... unusual... and worries that one day a lifetime's worth of emotions might erupt inside him and he'll go completely violent and massacre everyone...

Theefore he is avoiding therapy in case he is not as shallow as he thinks ...

It's utterly ridiculous that someone thinks being angry at someone is equal to disrespecting them.

The very few times I've been angry were at people whom I respect and care about. Everyone else isn't worth my time and energy to be honest.

One of my bosses was exactly like this. I worked with her for seven years and she never showed the least signs of strain or irritation - and she was a very high level executive in a major firm.

I met her parents once and saw where she got it from.... They were exactly the same....warm, kind, down to earth, sensible.

She once told me that her dad had been a funeral director for 40 years and that she'd grown up around death to the extent that she knew exactly what was and what really wasn't worth getting worked up about in life; I suspect this may have played a large part in forming her character!

DH is like this, very easy going, and calm he never looses his temper. He hates conflict and finds it embarrassing when others loose there temper.

It's a great quality, but also frustrating when I am angry and I want a argument and I don't get one!

Some people are naturally very good at the "low arousal approach" I think (which sounds like a sex thing but isn't - it's an approach used a lot in interacting with people with special needs, for example autism). I've started trying to be more "low arousal" in moments of conflict with for example my kids and it's amaaaazing how conflicts fizzle out when you don't mirror their anger so they can mirror it back and then everything just escalates. One of the core ideas is that "those who can behave, do" - so if I'm able to control myself I do and I don't place the responsability for my behaviour on other people.

brownmouse how can he have no opinions about anything? How can he think nothing really matters?! Surely you must be exaggerating because you say he is successful and very well liked. I know this is rude but he sounds utterly bland.

There's nothing more invigorating than listening to someone talk passionately and articulately about something they feel strongly about, or which is important to them.

Reading this thread with interest because I've been told I'm very calm at work. (I don't think I've quite reached the serenity levels of your colleague, gameofthorns!)

For me it's a kind of defence mechanism against the work atmosphere becoming more frantic and stressful. If people are shouting and flapping at something which is not actually life or death, it gets right on my nerves, so I deliberately keep my breathing deep and slow, speak slowly and calmly, (hopefully not in an irritating Diane Abbott way) and keep my movements to a minimum. It really does seem to work to create a feeling of calm that radiates out to the people around you.

On the down side, I have actually been reprimanded for it! When you have a boss who DOES like to run around like a headless chicken at the slightest provocation, they don't like it when someone appears not to give a shit... I actually have to say things like "No, I AM stressed about this, I'm just trying not to show it."

It's quite therapeutic just reading about all the zen people out there, but Lovely, this sounds quite unhealthy:
I know a woman who never loses her calm and I'm convinced there's something massively wrong with her. She didn't even get angry at a relative who sexually abused her daughter and also remained her usual serene and smiley self when she'd just found out that her DP was in hospital after a serious car accident.

Calmness is soothing for all around.

If people are shouting and flapping at something which is not actually life or death, it gets right on my nerves, so I deliberately keep my breathing deep and slow, speak slowly and calmly, (hopefully not in an irritating Diane Abbott way) and keep my movements to a minimum. It really does seem to work to create a feeling of calm that radiates out to the people around you..

I have worked in a very stressful environment, where it literally could be life and death. I employed similar techniques. I would walk fast, but never run, on the grounds that it made little difference to the speed at which I could achieve things. Dashing about engendered panic. Responding with icy calm allowed me to deal with the situation more efficiently. But it took a while to get there because it's not a natural response.

@Margolovedtom1 it's true - he really seems to think that nothing really matters and his opinions are completely vague and non committal.

It IS frustrating as I have to make every household decision...

I think we get on because I am completely the opposite and always getting fired going off on rants and he just sits there chuckling and observing calmly.

He is good at offering advice. Totally non-emotional. So has quite good judgement.

I do worry he might be a totally nice sociopath

"Calmness is soothing for all around."

Not always, it isn't! Sometimes when you're very het up, you want the other person to be het up about it too - not all zen and "oh well, hey ho, life goes on" because that is very belittling of your feelings about it.
Sometimes you need that argument to get feelings out in the open - and again, if the other person is calm in the face of your upset, and refuses to engage, then that in itself can escalate a situation beyond all measure.

I'm not even going to mention the saying "calm down", which is like a red rag to a bull in some circs!

My husband is mostly very calm and unflappable. It is useful in a crisis and we have had a few however it also totally does my head in. He did make a great birthing partner though

lovelygreysky that's the type of thing I mean with my mum. Though thankfully not quite so extreme.

It freaks me out sometimes. The other day she just struck up a conversation with me about someone I was friends with as a kid, who was abused by her foster dad. She was talking about the foster mum being a bit weird and what a lovely girl she was, how she would play with anyone etc. Never once mentioned the dad or the abuse. It made me incredibly uncomfortable and I had to say 'this upsetting me I don't want to talk about it' in the end.

I love my mum she's a very warm and caring person, but I can't get my head around this.

When she looks after my son I sometimes worry that if he got in an accident or something she wouldn't tell me, or just gloss over it.

brownmouse I think he just might be .

As for the woman who was smiley and serene when she'd been told her husband was in hospital after a serious accident ? - that's almost sinister!

Completely agree with Thumbwitch on this thread.