What makes someone like this...ridiculously calm

[gameofthorns]

There's this work colleague that works in my office. She's been here 6 months now. 'm not in love with her (honest) 😂

But I find her fascinating to watch!
She just has very very serene mannerisms and an incredibly calm presence. Her movements are completely soft and seem to just flow! She reminds me of a calm breeze!

I've never met anyone like it before. She's so calm she had a calming effect on others too! I find myself feeling calm in her presence and when she works with distressed angry service users she has managed to turn them all into polite, calm young people within a few meetings with her. If people do get angry with her it's like speaking to a brick wall. She shows NO emotion and quickly people feel bad and apologise to her or make an effort to be normal/nice again. She simply doesn't do conflict. If someone talks badly about her, betrays her or generally does something most people would shout at them for, she literally doesn't react at all. Just continues being friendly to the person and forgets about it.

I've never met someone like this. I've met shy people who are quiet because hey lack confidence. But she doesn't. She is extroverted and chatty. Likes to have a laugh but just has completely and utterly calm mannerisms and way of speaking. It's almost like she is in slow motion!!!

Has you ever met anyone like this? What makes someone like this? Upbringing?

And how on earth do I try and become as calm as this?

It's a lovely personal quality to have.

On days I feel terrible I'm so busy trying to keep myself calm that i force calmness on others.

This somehow strikes me as brilliant!

I am still at the stage where I disintegrate in some situations; OTOH I am still in therapy so maybe there is hope for me yet? To be honest I am mostly quite happy the way I am. Learning to experience, articulate and express my emotions is an important part of therapy for me.

So in answer to OP's question, maybe she has had a fuckton of therapy?

I consider anger to be a secondary emotion and a very wishy washy term. Theres always a more important emotion

Absolutely.

Ahah!

Methinks I spotted a clue in OPs description!

The keyword is: perspective

When she's told people have been gossiping (about her) she doesn't really log that it's about her, there's no need to. Where gossip happens, it happens to everyone. It's that gossiping is happening that's really a shame when you step outside of yourself, rather than the specific bits people have attached to you. Same thing applies to many things in life.

But I would like to know one thing, not sure, did OP mention if the alluring lady has kids? (I was waaaaaaay calmer pre kids- something I'm sure most of us can relate to)

And the poise could be something she just developed herself, or most likely comes from one of a variety of disciplines, like dance, classical or otherwise, yoga or a martial art- particularly that one, people who can stupidly easily handle a situation if it does escalate tend to be super chill ALL the rest of the time

Tramadol, like what keeps me trailing little fluffy clouds.
A pp had a good insight, in that it's hard to be annoyed at someone you regard as unimportant. This is my secret, along with a reasonable knowledge of the law around assault.

A friend of mine was like this. Turned out to be an underactive thyroid

I am calm. I do meditate daily. I focus on what is important in my life, the rest is mere frippery - gossip will always exist, but I do not gossip, nor do I care if I hear gossip about me. It is mere gossip.

It is interesting to read other's opinions on calmness - I am also a still person, I do not move a lot, I do not talk a lot, I do not raise my voice, but others still listen to me. I was told I exude an aura of "grown up".

(I also take responsibility and use the word I a lot!)

I knew someone like this and I'll never forget her. I was just ten and it was my first day in a new school in a country where I could not speak the language. I was terrified and they sat me next to this lovely girl who mesmerized me and nearly sent me to sleep then and there -- in the front row of class in quite a strict school!

The way she languidly opened her pencil case and slowly slipped out the correct colour crayon for the task, making sure I did the same... yet she somehow kept up with the class work without ever rushing.

She was very attentive and kind.

Obviously, at that age, I concluded that it's a quality you're born with, not something you "learn".

Whenever I feel a little stressed I think of her.

I also take responsibility and use the word I a lot!

In therapy we call this "I-statementing" or "speaking from I statements".

It is a powerful, practical tool, and takes effort and practise to master.

I have done some work with and at a Buddhist temple and pretty much all the practising buddhists I met were like this. Amazing.

I'm a bit like this (though not poised or popular unfortunately)

In the workplace I'm constantly told I 'take things in my stride' the last reference I had described me as a 'calming influence in the office' which was news to me.

Personally I think it's a combination of, as a pp said, having some properly shit stuff to deal with in life and needing to be together for that. Plus getting angry and confrontation isn't productive, tends to make people dig their heels in and less likely to co-operate.

I think it's weird to have no passion.

My 19yo DD2 is like this. She is the most calm and serene person i know. Nothing worries her or fazes her. Her friends adore her as she is so calming to be around. I think it is just her personality as DD1 is a whirlwind of overreaction and emotion.

I actually find DD1 easier to understand though as she is most like me in personality. DD2 is like a closed book to me and it enrages me at times that she never gets angry or upset about anything. I do understand however that this reaction is about me, not her!

She's clearly one of the robots from humans. Check if she has a pulse.

That's very interesting. My (controlling bitch of a) grandmother taught us to minimise uses of 'I' 'me' and 'my'. Deliberately attacking any developing sense of self. Even sentences where it can't be avoided make me (shudder) feel like a self absorbed, naughty little brat.

This actually gives ME something really useful to work on for MYself :D

Thanks guys :D

She's clearly one of the robots from humans. Check if she has a pulse.

My DH implies that I am a robot. We talk about what the outcome would be of the Voight-Kampff test in my case. This is more connected to my tendency to rationalise and intellectualise emotional responses than my zen-like state, however.

ShieldMaidenMamma Good luck. It takes practise, and I start a lot of sentences "I can't speak for other people, but speaking for myself..." and when someone asks me how X other person feels or what X person things of such a situation I say "I have no idea, you'd have to ask them." This can make me annoying. I do not gossip, or at least, I try not to. I sort of abhor gossip to be honest.

What a fascinating thread, I would love to be a bit more like that! Although it can be quite creepy when taken to extremes. I know a woman who never loses her calm and I'm convinced there's something massively wrong with her. She didn't even get angry at a relative who sexually abused her daughter and also remained her usual serene and smiley self when she'd just found out that her DP was in hospital after a serious car accident.

I remain calm in the face of chaos, never shout at work even in really stressful situations. I just feel it never gets the best out of people and I know that you really don't want to engender panic in others. I do get cross with people but I show it by getting calmer and excessively polite.
When something awful happens ( a fairly frequent occurrence at work) I make a conscious effort to breath out, drop my shoulders and lower my voice. It seems to work and people comment on who calming I am. It really doesn't mean I don't care, just that I can't see the point in wasting energy with panic.

Have been mulling this over...

It isn't that I don't care what other people think. Because I do but only the people who matter to me. Vague acquaintances, occasional colleagues, people on here , members of the general public...what they think/feel about me just doesn't feature on my radar.

As someone said above, I very rarely take anything personally. This is probably partly down to good self esteem (I like myself, people important to me, like me) but also because I am extremely pragmatic - and I know that all the shitty, petty, nasty stuff that goes on, happens to everyone from time to time. And it says far, far more about the people dishing it out, than it does about me.

I have never felt angry in my life

How?

I'm not talking about the 'oh that man cut me up' anger.

But how can you not get angry at small children being gassed?

If someone makes a racist, sexist, disablisy comment to a vulnerable person in front of you?

Some anger is unproductive.

But I truly believe that righteous anger is absolutely necessary for social change for the better. Ad not having it at all definitely isn't something to aspire to.

Would Emily Davison have thrown herself under the horse if she was just mildly ambivalent about being considered a second class citizen?

Scary clown "I think it's weird to have no passion"

Not sharing my passions in the workplace, thanks.

Scaryclown, what a limited understanding you have taken from this thread 🙄

Some of these replies seems a bit jealousy induced.

It's never a negative to be calm.

It doesn't mean you're taking drugs, a robot, a secret psychopath. It's undeniable that it's a lovely personal quality to have.

I asked her why she's so calm. She said it's because she witness the death of two siblings by the age of 14. When you've witnessed real tragedy, the insignificant things that cause others anger do not faze you. She also said it's about having empathy and putting yourself in others shoes. When you're angry with someone you are disrespecting them. Finally she said, she doesn't give a shoot what others think of her

So now we know! I will carry on admiring from afar!

Being calm doesn't mean you have no passion. It just means you don't get angry or show much outward negative emotion. She is very very passionate about her job and her voluntary work.

I am passionate about my job, my children and fighting injustice but when the worst happens I take action. No point in wasting energy flapping and making others flap. Instead exude calm and get stuff done.