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Original poster

What makes someone like this...ridiculously calm

211 replies

gameofthorns · 16/05/2017 22:14

There's this work colleague that works in my office. She's been here 6 months now. 'm not in love with her (honest) 😂

But I find her fascinating to watch!
She just has very very serene mannerisms and an incredibly calm presence. Her movements are completely soft and seem to just flow! She reminds me of a calm breeze!

I've never met anyone like it before. She's so calm she had a calming effect on others too! I find myself feeling calm in her presence and when she works with distressed angry service users she has managed to turn them all into polite, calm young people within a few meetings with her. If people do get angry with her it's like speaking to a brick wall. She shows NO emotion and quickly people feel bad and apologise to her or make an effort to be normal/nice again. She simply doesn't do conflict. If someone talks badly about her, betrays her or generally does something most people would shout at them for, she literally doesn't react at all. Just continues being friendly to the person and forgets about it.

I've never met someone like this. I've met shy people who are quiet because hey lack confidence. But she doesn't. She is extroverted and chatty. Likes to have a laugh but just has completely and utterly calm mannerisms and way of speaking. It's almost like she is in slow motion!!!

Has you ever met anyone like this? What makes someone like this? Upbringing?

And how on earth do I try and become as calm as this?

It's a lovely personal quality to have.

OP posts:
BeaderBird · 17/05/2017 04:54

So poorly written! Sorry, it's early and I'm typing with one eye open!

jimjimjamming · 17/05/2017 05:13

Shoeshavesouls Gillian Anderson in The Fall was indeed mesmerisingly serene but shot through with a steely coldness. Frightening & fascinating. I wonder what really courses through this lady's veins?

PollytheDolly · 17/05/2017 05:26

Does she have pointy ears and originate from the planet Vulcan?

JudeeLevinson · 17/05/2017 05:39

I have anxiety and I think a calm demeanour is something that can be practised, if you are concerned about your body giving you away. Qigong is a good thing to look into for some help in this area. With regards to mental and emotional composure, a good stint in a customer service job is what I recommend.

I agree with the poster who said maybe she has a secure attachment to one or both of her parents. I find people like this very soothing to be around and you can borrow some of the things they do to fake it til you make it if you're not gifted naturally. I have no secure attachment to my parents but having gone through the wringer with them, getting very angry, choosing not to see them anymore, getting very angry all over again, getting sad, getting accepting. Now I just feel they are to be pitied and I feel as sad for them as I do myself, as they had shit parents too and they knew not what they did. Who knows, maybe the person referred to in the OP has gone through that or similar, a trauma of some kind and is now able to be compassionate to flawed human beings.

Could you ask her? I'm dying to know.

I started looking into body language when I was walking on my own late at night because of my job. I wanted to find out what might turn off a potential attacker from taking a chance on me. Strong posture, firm strides, head high, shoulders back etc. It helped to eliminate some of the flappy erratic nervous movements.

rizlett · 17/05/2017 06:07

Isn't it all about acceptance, letting 'it' go (ie feelings of anger etc) and an understanding that we really only have control of our responses.

My DP is like this - 10 years of mediation - and I think - slightly high on the autism scale.

He drives me mad!

usefultoken · 17/05/2017 06:20

I'm told I'm very calm, and on the whole that's true. I agree with pp that not being invested in what others think of you helps. Also a certain amount of character training whin my faith. I'm not quite as calm with dh and kids as I am elsewhere tho!

Cooloncraze · 17/05/2017 06:33

I agree it's about acceptance and 'surrendering' to the present moment but not in a helpless/ victim way. Just that, that's all there is.
Eckhart Tolle's books explain it brilliantly and are really calming as a result. Maybe she meditates too? She's functioning from a state of no ego. Impressive.

erinaceus · 17/05/2017 06:34

What makes someone like this? Upbringing?

Nobody really knows. If there is a specific behaviour you would like to master, you could ask her? It depends on your relationship with her, I suppose. I have been mentored in this sort of thing. I have some of the qualities you describe, and not all of them. They are in part innate and in part learned.

For me, it was spending 5 years in an abusive relationship. His behaviour taught me not to react and to do everything I could to remain in control of my emotions. It also made me an incredible negotiator. So, he ruined a good portion of my life but I have an awful lot to be thankful for because I'm where I am professionally because of my people/management skills.

I can relate to this in some ways. I have been on the receiving end of abuse and at the time I handled it by tuning out my emotions. As a consequence, I am semi-immune to ad hominem attack, if that makes sense? I am not as zen as your colleague sounds though. I am zero tolerance on certain issues and can get angry fast.

Another suggestion is that she cries in the disabled toilets at work, something I have been known to do more than once. I forgive myself for this - there are worse coping strategies. I can relate to the "radical acceptance" concept which I am currently trialling in my own life, even if this does appear to involve radically accepting that I am currently crying in the disabled toilets at work, and so on. I cry easily, particularly when I am premenstrual. Oh crumbs. My job is not as bad as this makes it sound!

SofiaAmes · 17/05/2017 06:38

My dd is like this....definitely not upbringing alone....I lose it if someone looks at me wrong...my dd did not learn her calm from me.

Ledkr · 17/05/2017 06:42

My dh is like this.

However. He is a simmering pot of repressed feelings underneath.

obviousnamechange1 · 17/05/2017 06:43

I'm very calm; it takes a lot to annoy me. I very rarely get annoyed.

The key is this....

Have untreated bipolar disorder, go through two mental breakdowns, become completely suicidal and spend a few months in a psychiatric hospital.

The combination of hours and hours of therapy means I'm now annoying well rounded and good at seeing things from other people's perspectives. When someone is being a twat I just assume they have unresolved issues that they're projecting and don't take anything personally.

Having been suicidal means that every day I don't want to die is a complete joy and all other 'issues' just don't really compare so they're sort of water off a duck's back

angryladyboobs · 17/05/2017 06:45

Serial killer

Squishedstrawberry4 · 17/05/2017 06:49

I consider anger to be a secondary emotion and a very wishy washy term. Theres always a more important emotion

obviousnamechange1 · 17/05/2017 06:52

@Squishedstrawberry4

You're so very right. Anger is a secondary emotion...you are angry because you're hurt, disappointed, saddened, etc.

The key is identifying that primary emotion and keying in to that and being able to assertively articulate that emotion rather than anger.

morningconstitutional2017 · 17/05/2017 06:53

On the whole I like to think that I'm serene and that's come with having a very long fuse. I grew up with a very argumentative father who loved to pick a fight about well, nothing really. It was unpleasant seeing his and mother's volatile marriage and I didn't want to be like that.
So I took a leaf out of their book and tried to be different. Also, my life experiences have taught me that many things simply aren't worth getting steamed up about.

biggesttwuntinhistory · 17/05/2017 06:56

my husband's like this - very calming and like a rock in a storm or something. I know I'm not the only one to notice it and yeah, I'm a bit in awe of him for it. I try to emulate it a bit but not very well lol

erinaceus · 17/05/2017 06:58

I consider anger to be a secondary emotion and a very wishy washy term. Theres always a more important emotion

I don't agree that there is always a more important emotion, but I do like this visualisation (link to png) which suggests that there often is. I think that sometimes one can be flat angry and that is to me quite a precise thing. I think it is not a problem to articulate ones anger in a calm way. I agree with others on picking your battles though.

The Anger Iceberg

source

In my opinion the Gottman Institute spouts a fair amount of bollocks but I do like the above image.

I once heard "anger comes from fear, fear comes from lack of information, therefore to become less fearful, obtain more information" which doesn't quite follow either but there is something in that.

Rinkydinkypink · 17/05/2017 07:01

I've been told I'm like this but inside my head etc is all very different. I'm an anxiety, depression and panic person but everyone comments and asks how I'm so calm.

I don't understand it either Grin

mistermagpie · 17/05/2017 07:01

God I would love to he like this, it's a thing I do admire in people who have 'it'. Sadly I am the opposite - scruffy, always talking, always moving, gesticulate a lot and rubbish under stress!

BossyBitch · 17/05/2017 07:01

My boss is somewhat like this, and I've confirmed experimentally that with him it's all technique:

When I find myself in an emotionally challenging situation at work I just ask myself 'what would Jim say'? And then say that in as close to his usual manner as I manage to get. Seems to work like a charm, I'm the go-to person for nervous breakdowns at work and the like, though I'm actually very much neither serene nor calm. And neither is my boss. We just seem that way.

Then again: both Jim and I do yoga, so maybe it's just the yoga.

CarolsSecretCookieRecipe · 17/05/2017 07:03

Apparently I come across as being calm. I am truly not though. I have dreadful anxiety and I'm generally having an internal struggling to keep myself together and appear somewhat normal.

CarolsSecretCookieRecipe · 17/05/2017 07:04

struggle, not struggling.

Rinkydinkypink · 17/05/2017 07:04

Obviousnamechange 1.

I'm with you on this. Hours of therapy. Annoyingly able to see all sides of everything. Immensely relieved on days I feel normal. On days I feel terrible I'm so busy trying to keep myself calm that i force calmness on others.

FurryLittleTwerp · 17/05/2017 07:05

My father, sadly deceased, was very calm, hardly ever saw him angry, in fact just once when my door-slamming teenage tantrums were at their worst & I was being foul to my mother.

He was sitting with me while I learnt to drive & when I lurched across a junction on a narrow lane into the hedge-bottom opposite, forgetting somehow to turn the steering wheel, he just looked around & said Oh dear. Handbrake. Engage reverse gear.

Creased me up Grin

DavidYucke · 17/05/2017 07:09

I've met people like this and I love them. They tend to be mainly women in my case. A lot of people say that I have a calming effect on everybody around me and face everything in a calm manner but I find that hard to believe as inside I'm a big ball of anxiety and nervousness.