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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed she's pregnant

286 replies

GaelicSiog · 14/05/2017 23:55

I know I am and I've seen this coming for a while, but I need to vent.

DD's dad has emailed me tonigbt to tell me that his partner is pregnant. This is not a surprise, they've been TTC for a while. They have DD every other weekend, next weekend is their weekend and they're having a family get together at which they will be telling the extended family and DD, so he wants me to keep it from her, but he wanted to let me know. He then goes on to say of course his maintenance payments will be dropping now, and btw they're off to bed so if I want to discuss with him I'll have to call tomorrow. This is a common tactic of his, drop bombshells late at night and say he's going to bed and turning his phone on silent.

They already have 6 DC between them. She has 3 from previous relationships, her youngest of those is only just older than DD, he moved in with them within weeks of DD arriving so he's very close to them, which has caused a lot of issues with them and DD over the years and deserves a whole thread of its own. They then have twins together. They're already struggling to fit them all into the house, we've had a huge drama lately because DSD1 has a large room to herself and won't share with anyone but her friends on sleepovers. They've recently put bunks in DSD2's tiny box for when DD stays because they won't make DSD1 swap or share. They have no space for a seventh, and DD already feels she has to compete for her dad's attention when she's there. That's only going to get worse now.

I know I'm BU, but I need to rant.

OP posts:
kali110 · 14/05/2017 23:59

Yanbu, your poor dd.

elephantscansing · 14/05/2017 23:59

Nope, it still costs you the same to feed and house dd so his contributions won't be dropping.

Stupid selfish, profligate arsehole. Should have a vasectomy if he can't afford to look after his own DC.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 15/05/2017 00:02

of course his maintenance payments will be dropping now.....Angry
Text back "HaHaHaHaHaHaHa, Yeah Right . "

Just because he's impregnated someone doesn;t dilute his responsibilty to your (your as in you and him) DD.

fuzzywuzzy · 15/05/2017 00:03

Do you go thro CMS for child maintenance payments?

I think they stop reducing payments after a certain number of children and he would need to pay the same regardless of however many more children he decides to have. I think the cap is three children after that contributions don't reduce.

Might be worth taking a look?

Twitchingdog · 15/05/2017 00:03

Maintenance go down when the child is born in think . Check the whatever it called website

BoysofMelody · 15/05/2017 00:03

He then goes on to say of course his maintenance payments will be dropping now, and btw they're off to bed so if I want to discuss with him I'll have to call tomorrow. This is a common tactic of his, drop bombshells late at night and say he's going to bed and turning his phone on silent.

The way he told you left something to be desired, but surely you weren't surprised the maintenance arrangements would change? A finite amount of money he earns has to provide for another child, just as if you had remained together and had another child.

I can see why you'd be annoyed though.

StickThatInYourPipe · 15/05/2017 00:03

Legally speaking.. is he allowed to lower his payments? I have no idea I was just wondering.

YANBU OP I would probably be 'popping by' tomorrow Grin

ChasedByBees · 15/05/2017 00:04

What are the CSA's (or whatever it is now) rules on this?

As to why on earth they'd have another when they can't fit the children they already have in the house I don't know, but hey. Your DD may need some support when she gets home. :(

sykadelic · 15/05/2017 00:06

You're not upset about her being pregnant (imo), you're upset that your DD seems to mean little to them, especially him, and he gives no thought to how his actions affect his OTHER children.

I too would be annoyed that he thinks having another kid negates (or reduces) his obligation to his other children.

Agree with CMS, if you aren't already, but otherwise I would ignore. He will think its about something it's not about if you argue or arc up so try and stay positive for DD's sake and remember she will figure him (and SM) out before too long.

chastenedButStillSmiling · 15/05/2017 00:07

PPs aren't wrong, but just to say...

What a fucking shit he is!

Your poor DD

OfficerVanHalen · 15/05/2017 00:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
GaelicSiog · 15/05/2017 00:08

Oh, I always knew maintenance would drop if number 7 happened, it did when they had the twins. But was it really necessary to get it in there with the pregnancy announcement? Angry

I have more siblings than this, so I can't fault them for having 7. The difference is we were all given adequate love and attention. And space.

This is the man who denied the existence of his first child for 2 years and moved in with another woman and her newborn within weeks of the birth of said first child.

OP posts:
Original poster
GaelicSiog · 15/05/2017 00:10

Maintenance, contact etc is all done through official channels, yes. His partner has been trying to do me out of maintenance altogether for years, I know she hasn't done this just for that purpose but it still pisses me off.

Yep officer, I was the activities thread. They don't have enough time for the kids they already have :(

OP posts:
AvaCrowder2 · 15/05/2017 00:11

Yy is your dd the gymnast?

He sounds like a dick. Take care of your dd and yourself.

AndNowItIsSeven · 15/05/2017 00:12

Logically the maintenance has to drop, if you had a ds tomorrow you would spend less money on your dd.
Does he pay the legal minimum currently?

Notmyrealname85 · 15/05/2017 00:13

What a tosser!!!

"Oh I want to find the right time to tell DD about pregnancy...and erm not financially support her from now on". I wonder if he'll put that in the announcement!

OfficerVanHalen · 15/05/2017 00:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bringmewineandcake · 15/05/2017 00:17

Oh Gaelic he really is a feckless twat.

I felt for you and your daughter re her activity (how is that working out now?)

Not U at all to be concerned as to how this is going to push your poor DD out even further. At least she has you Flowers

Original poster
GaelicSiog · 15/05/2017 00:18

He pays the minimum for his salary taking into consideration the other kids involved. This dropped 3 years ago when they had the twins. I know it's going to drop, I'm more annoyed on the financial side of things that he felt the need to point this out immediately.

OP posts:
OfficerVanHalen · 15/05/2017 00:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Happyfeet1972 · 15/05/2017 00:19

Based on your thread title, I expected to tell you YABU but the circumstances you describe, you most certainly are not BU. I assume it's less about her being pregnant and another example of your ex being a shit, irresponsible father. He sounds like a fuckwit of major proportions.

BoysofMelody · 15/05/2017 00:20

Presumably when ppl are in a coupled family it is a mutual decision to have another child and reduce their income, and any financial loss is countered by the benefit to the whole family of having another child to love

Fair point, a better analogy would be if the op chose to have another child, her income would have to stretch and the proportional spend on her existing daughter would fall.

becausebecausebecause · 15/05/2017 00:22

Jeez, where are these jobs that pay for seven kids?

GabsAlot · 15/05/2017 00:23

not sure if it carries on dropping or the rp would be left with nothing if people just carried on having children elsehere

i thinkhes selfish sod and if youre the poster im thinking of id let him takeu to court for access let them decide-he doeesnt give a shit about his dd-does he take her to her activity yet?

KeiraKnightleyActsWithHerTeeth · 15/05/2017 00:23

Totally selfish.
I would reply

Dear xxx,
What lovely news to hear you and xxx are expecting. Congratulations on that part of your life.
I cannot however congratulate you for your selfish actions in suggesting you might reduce your contributions toward DD's upbringing. As I am sure you are aware, children cost money and the price per child does not differ should you decide to have one child or one hundred. DD should not have to suffer due to your family planning decisions.
I will continue to peruse you through official routes to ensure DD has the financial support she is owed.

I would want to put something in about emotional support and time too but I think that would fan the flames.