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Original poster

To be pissed she's pregnant

286 replies

GaelicSiog · 14/05/2017 23:55

I know I am and I've seen this coming for a while, but I need to vent.

DD's dad has emailed me tonigbt to tell me that his partner is pregnant. This is not a surprise, they've been TTC for a while. They have DD every other weekend, next weekend is their weekend and they're having a family get together at which they will be telling the extended family and DD, so he wants me to keep it from her, but he wanted to let me know. He then goes on to say of course his maintenance payments will be dropping now, and btw they're off to bed so if I want to discuss with him I'll have to call tomorrow. This is a common tactic of his, drop bombshells late at night and say he's going to bed and turning his phone on silent.

They already have 6 DC between them. She has 3 from previous relationships, her youngest of those is only just older than DD, he moved in with them within weeks of DD arriving so he's very close to them, which has caused a lot of issues with them and DD over the years and deserves a whole thread of its own. They then have twins together. They're already struggling to fit them all into the house, we've had a huge drama lately because DSD1 has a large room to herself and won't share with anyone but her friends on sleepovers. They've recently put bunks in DSD2's tiny box for when DD stays because they won't make DSD1 swap or share. They have no space for a seventh, and DD already feels she has to compete for her dad's attention when she's there. That's only going to get worse now.

I know I'm BU, but I need to rant.

OP posts:
Original poster
GaelicSiog · 18/05/2017 10:44

I phoned him last night. I know I shouldn't have, but I was livid. I was very polite though, I just said I was very upset that he didn't want to make the effort to tell dpDD privately. I didn't mention she knows, I won't turn DSD2 in. He deflected all blame to OW and put her on, having dated this man this means nothing, he's an expert at blaming everyone else. OW said she was sorry I felt that way but she was sure I could relate to only wanting her own close family to know about her pregnancy until she makes the big announcement. This is a dig if ever there was one. I tried to point out that like it or not, when she got involved with a man with a child she took on responsibility to integrate that child into her family. She didn't, because ex was denying she was his at the time, but ex and OW now deny they ever denied DD was ex's, so she can't argue with that. She kept spinning crap about how she has a great announcement planned and it will be a really special moment this weekend (big family gathering) so I said my mam was calling and I'd have to hang up. Ugh.

Granny, you've repeated my own point back to me Confused I was acknowledging that I only have a good experience of older siblings to compare to.

OP posts:
Stormtreader · 18/05/2017 11:06

she was sure I could relate to only wanting her own close family to know about her pregnancy until she makes the big announcement.

Wow. If this is a window into their attitude towards her when shes at their house then it sounds like it may well be time to start pulling back on that if your DD also wants that - she'll obviously never be more than an imposed visitor into "their" family.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/05/2017 11:30

My take is OW really doesn't want to acknowledge your dds existence. She tolerates her because it is in her best interest vis a vis your ex. And it is she, then him, then her kids, who matter to her in this descending order.

It sounds as though she will do everything in her power to demean your dd. Your ex is getting his kicks (ie sex etc) and whatever else he wants from her and he really isn't aware of her nasty little game and she is playing by encouraging him to slowly pull away from your dd. One day she will triumph and he will no longer see your dd.

Are you talking to your dd about them and the situation? About the way ow treats your dd? I would be. Not to influence her against them but to protect her. By 7 dd understood my sil hadn't been taught by her mummy and daddy that all children are equal and worth the same - she is shit to my dd (8) every time we see her (rarely). It is very confusing and upsetting as a child to be treated as a second class citizen and anything you are able to tell her to give her strength and solid grounding to ride this storm will help.

mikeyssister · 18/05/2017 11:49

How's DD Gaelic?

grannytomine · 18/05/2017 13:56

Gaelic I don't know why you needed the funny face, I was explaining why I was probably seeing it from the other perspective.

EweAreHere · 18/05/2017 16:19

'Close family'????

How is a HALF-SIBLING not 'close family'?!?!?!

What an utter cow. And your ex is no better for allowing this.

Really, really glad she knows. Tell her she doesn't have to act surprised.

Mummmy2017 · 18/05/2017 16:56

OW is stupid idiot in her own world, this isn't a first baby longer for by the family's, it's just another one she is pushing out... think her big dramatic happening is going to be a let down,

and i did say you DD would already know, kids never keep things quiet even if the parents think they do...

AcrossthePond55 · 18/05/2017 17:50

So it sounds as if this pregnancy is HERS and that your ex has nothing to do with it then. Sorry if I've missed it, but is ex's extended family part of this big announcement or is it only for her family?

happypoobum · 18/05/2017 18:45

It must be so tempting to send XP a text saying you had no idea he wasn't the father of OWs unborn child, and now she has explained that it's nothing to do with him you appreciate why DD wasn't told with the other siblings Grin

She sounds awful Flowers

MissShittyBennet · 18/05/2017 18:53

Yeah do that. And prime DD to blab to everyone first.

EmpressOfTheSpartacusOceans · 18/05/2017 21:51

No, don't prime DD to do anything that's going to get her into trouble.

However much they deserve it, it would be tough on her & might land DD2 in shit as well.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 19/05/2017 10:14

Dont get your DD to act surprised though. Burst their little bubble.

I really hope someone at the party steals their thunder.

MissShittyBennet · 19/05/2017 11:32

Maybe DD could tell them she guessed of her own volition because SM has been looking so peaky lately!

I kind of want to go to this party now, you know. Can we have an MN flashmob? At the very least someone has to livetweet it.

grannytomine · 19/05/2017 11:37

I agree with EmpressOfTheSpartacusOceans, I know it is easy to get carried away but these are two real little girls who would maybe suffer for the amusement of people on here.

MissShittyBennet · 19/05/2017 12:47

I'm kidding...

I don't really think there's going to be quick hits either. Sadly.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 19/05/2017 14:09

He then goes on to say of course his maintenance payments will be dropping now

Bless his prize idiot cotton socks. Maybe he should have thought about that before he sired another DC?!

You and your DD are obviously well rid. Flowers OP.

Starlight2345 · 19/05/2017 14:20

I would point out that your DD would be as closely related to this baby as her children. They will all be half siblings.

I would look on the positive that she has one less day in that shambles

LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 19/05/2017 14:27

The csa has changed now to something else, but stupidly they are the rules if he had more kids the payments drop. My dds dad moved in with some tramp and her kids and they dropped the payments because he lived with someone else's kids!

Original poster
GaelicSiog · 20/05/2017 12:43

She took a dress with her in the end. He asked if she had anything she could take Hmm

The party is actually his side, but some of her family could be going, I'm not sure. DD said she is going to just not say anything, because she doesn't want to lie but she thinks DSD2 will be in trouble if she says she knew. Her call. I've told her if she wants to come home tonight, she can.

I think we do need to have a chat about how just because it's been EOW at daddy's for the last few years, that doesn't mean that has to happen forever.

OP posts:
Holldstock1 · 20/05/2017 13:10

Gaelic, I remember reading your activities thread, although I didn't comment at the time.

I'm very sorry to hear that you've got more crud to deal with from your Ex and OW. I hope for the sake of your DD that she starts to see the light about her 'dad' and decides herself to lessen the contact further.
Its hard, but I think you are doing the right thing to let it be her choice.

I know how enraging and upsetting it is to see your child being treated as second class (in our case it was DH's parents) - we all want to protect our kids from hurt. I used to really worry about it and tried everything I could to improve the situation. However in the end I realised that to my kids its the 'norm' that their GPs don't bother particularly. Their GPs were relegated to a much lesser relationship in their eyes, and weren't particularly that worried.

As your DD gets older you will probably find that your Ex has alot less significance as he's just not there or too busy. She has you and your family, so she will see how good parents are supposed to act and how families are supposed to function. And with you as an example to follow, she won't go wrong as she grows up.

I pity the other children of your Ex and OW's - they don't have any stabilizing influence to follow. OW is quite pathetic, and obviously pretty vindictive, immature and insecure. I can't understand anyone who would treat a child as 'second class'. Whether they are a child of your blood, from a blended family or adopted - family is Family. I wouldn't treat any step or adopted children differently from birth children. What a twisted example to give the kids in that house.

And as for that sorry excuse for a human being you have as an Ex...... well polite words fail. You are well shot of him and I truely hope that at some point you find someone as special as you deserve.

AcrossthePond55 · 20/05/2017 18:27

I think the way you empower your DD to think for herself and make her own decisions is lovely.

You're a great mum!

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 20/05/2017 19:05

just wanted to say - it's easy to blame the older dsd for hogging a double room to herself, but it's actually the parents who are allowing that behaviour.

it isn't nice growing up in a family where the parents keep breeding without any consideration for the other kids.
as the eldest i can just imagine how she feels - she just wants to get away from all the noise and drama.....and no teenager would choose to share with a 7 year old if they had the choice.

you could always report them to SS for the over crowding issue and neglect.....might not change things but you never know.

EmpressOfTheSpartacusOceans · 20/05/2017 20:23

I don't blame DSD1 for wanting her own space, I'd have hated sharing at that age too. But she is being U about holding on to the double room.

PurpleDragon76 · 21/05/2017 10:52

How is your daughter doing? Really feel for her.

Original poster
GaelicSiog · 21/05/2017 12:05

Thank you everyone for all your kindness on this thread Flowers

She's not back yet. I've told her she can call and I will come and get her at any time, but I haven't heard anything. So assuming she doesn't call, D friend is coming with me to collect her this evening. Two contact weekends ago she did call to say she wanted to come home, so she does know she can. Hopefully the party was okay and she didn't feel the need to, although I suspect it won't have been the best weekend of her life.

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