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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed she's pregnant

286 replies

GaelicSiog · 14/05/2017 23:55

I know I am and I've seen this coming for a while, but I need to vent.

DD's dad has emailed me tonigbt to tell me that his partner is pregnant. This is not a surprise, they've been TTC for a while. They have DD every other weekend, next weekend is their weekend and they're having a family get together at which they will be telling the extended family and DD, so he wants me to keep it from her, but he wanted to let me know. He then goes on to say of course his maintenance payments will be dropping now, and btw they're off to bed so if I want to discuss with him I'll have to call tomorrow. This is a common tactic of his, drop bombshells late at night and say he's going to bed and turning his phone on silent.

They already have 6 DC between them. She has 3 from previous relationships, her youngest of those is only just older than DD, he moved in with them within weeks of DD arriving so he's very close to them, which has caused a lot of issues with them and DD over the years and deserves a whole thread of its own. They then have twins together. They're already struggling to fit them all into the house, we've had a huge drama lately because DSD1 has a large room to herself and won't share with anyone but her friends on sleepovers. They've recently put bunks in DSD2's tiny box for when DD stays because they won't make DSD1 swap or share. They have no space for a seventh, and DD already feels she has to compete for her dad's attention when she's there. That's only going to get worse now.

I know I'm BU, but I need to rant.

OP posts:
Dianneabbottsmathsteacher · 15/05/2017 16:03

God they sound vile op. You tell her and steal his thunder. I bet they are unpopular with her family too.

Why are the nicest people infertile and arses like these keep producing abs not caring it's so unfair.

EweAreHere · 15/05/2017 16:16

I would tell your DD about the baby. Don't let them treat her like extended family, a second thought ...

Poor girl.

She's lucky she has you in her corner.

Original poster
GaelicSiog · 15/05/2017 16:49

Hissy I would be much, much happier if she decided she didn't want to see him anymore. But that needs to be her decision. It's chaotic as hell round there.

I'm going to tell her I think. If they tell her at the party and she's upset she's got that and the next day to get through. He will hit the roof though.

OW is a queen bee, must be centre of attention type. There have been a lot of dramas with her over the years. I feel for the party host as much as I do her other kids. Her eldest in particular is not going to take kindly to another baby and no way in hell will she be agreeing to share. I doubt they can afford to move.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 15/05/2017 16:57

Let him hit the roof. You don't have to listen to his shit. That's what the 'end' button is for on your phone. And the 'block' function.

Your DD should NOT be blindsided like this. I mean, it's not like he's surprising her with a Disney Trip, is it? She deserves to learn this news on her own from her 'father', not surrounded by extended family as a general announcement.

FizzyGreenWater · 15/05/2017 17:03

In that case I might just ask DD to look surprised...

Seven is young to try and level with her but in another way, it's not. She is living it, she knows the score.

'Darling, I'm telling you because I know you might feel awkward finding out with lots of other people in the room especially if already know. And when Daddy and OW tell everyone I know you wouldn't want them to think you weren't happy when it would just be that you weren't expecting it. might have found out already because they are there more so now you do too and you can be just as happy when they announce it. It's up to you if you want to tell Daddy you already know but he wanted to surprise everyone so it's also a good thing if you don't tell him you know and look surprised.'

Probably clumsy - am writing that feeling SO angry for you. But she knows the score - she has been living with this arseholery for years and probably reads between the lines much, much more than she should have to already.

Poor thing.

Original poster
GaelicSiog · 15/05/2017 17:10

I will probably go with something along those lines fizzy.

The more I think about it, the other kids have probably known for weeks. It explains why DSD1 has suddenly thrown a huge strop over bedrooms.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 15/05/2017 17:15
Flowers

You're a great mum. Your poor DD, I feel for you both.

TreeTop7 · 15/05/2017 17:18

You seem like a lovely mum. Your daughter is so much luckier than the wretched children in that other chaotic house. I feel sorry for them and for this new baby.

Tell your daughter. She deserves to hear it privately.

TheLegendOfBeans · 15/05/2017 17:32

Not your circus not your monkeys, let them be drama seekingvteats at some other poor soul's do.

Meanwhile (my opinion is) you need to break it to DD sensitively. Seven is young but not so young to have a big announcement at a party that may or may not massively upset her leave an emotional crater for years to come.

You sound like a sensitive articulate woman who has no axe to grind with feckless ex and harpy OW but just love and concern for your DD.

Stay awesome 👊

TheLegendOfBeans · 15/05/2017 17:32

*twats

not "teats"

🤣

Bananamanfan · 15/05/2017 18:00

Have you suggested he tell dd first & asked if he considers dd to be "extended family"? Agree he sounds like a dick.

Original poster
GaelicSiog · 15/05/2017 18:09

I've asked him, banana. He says unless they tell her in the car, there won't be time.

I think telling her in the car is preferable in all honesty. She's never exactly been well integrated into his family. They were talking about taking her with them on holiday next year, I'm willing to bet that won't happen now.

OP posts:
Zampa · 15/05/2017 18:16

I appreciate that there are a lot of other issues going on but please, please, don't tell her. DP's ex constantly does this to us, spoiling what should be really lovely moments with us and the DSCs. It's now got to the point where we can't/don't tell her things for fear of her actions.

You also risk him just not telling you things in future if you break this confidence.

Original poster
GaelicSiog · 15/05/2017 18:18

He's confirmed to me the other DCs already know, Zampa. I won't be spooling a lovely moment to tell the DCs, I'll be making sure she won't be having it sprung on her at a family event where it will become apparent her step and half siblings have known for weeks.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 15/05/2017 18:32

No surprise there then OP.

Yes, tell her. And then hold on in there until she decides for herself that she doesn't want to know.

And, good result really about the overnights, even if hurtful. Maybe stepping slightly further away (as in staying only once a month or whatever it is) will be an eye-opener for her as she will find that it's a relief to be going there less, to take herself away from the situation rather than endure it. Might it be a good time to shake up your own routine a bit, plan some new thing or a new way of doing things which makes the change even more positive? That she feels she's gaining not losing by staying over less?

Mrsmadevans · 15/05/2017 18:41

Tell her Op and if you know the ppl who's party they are going to ruin by their attention seeking behaviour then l would warn them too , you sound a lovely mum who has had to put up with a lot of shit from them. wouldn't want my dd to go anywhere near that madhouse !

Original poster
GaelicSiog · 15/05/2017 18:51

Oh it's ex MIL's extended family, I think last time I saw her she banned me from ever contacting her again unless she contacts me first Hmm

I think DD is getting to that point. It was her decision that she wants to do one night on a contact weekend so she can still go to gym. But right now she does want contact with her dad, and I have to respect that. I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't want to do Christmas with him again after being lumped in with OW's sister (Cinderella)'s step daughters, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Right now it might not always be fun but it's "dad's house" and it's always been that way. I'm not saying my own family isn't a little chaotic at times, but I would like to think we're more inclusive.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 15/05/2017 19:07

I think I'd be inclined to forewarn the party host of the baby hi-jack plan...

Hecticlifeanddrowning8 · 15/05/2017 19:07

Oh I feel so sad for your Dd Sad I have a large blended family but would never treat my step children as outsiders. They all get treated the same , and we do so much to make sure they don't feel excluded. If her dad can't pop round and tell her separately from extended family then I would tell her if I were you.

happypoobum · 15/05/2017 19:14

I remember and posted on your previous thread.

Given the whole picture I would definitely tell DD ahead of the party. They sound bloody awful.

Don't worry about the money - it will sort itself out. Maintain a dignified cool.

You know you can do it Flowers

Original poster
GaelicSiog · 15/05/2017 19:20

He can't come round to break it to her because there's a restraining order meaning he cannot have my address. Just in case there was any doubt that he's a total idiot.

I'll tell her Thursday. Gives me time to work out how I do it and her time to process it. They were thinking of no one but themselves when they planned this.

OP posts:
BrieAndChilli · 15/05/2017 19:38

If he currently has her 2 nights every other week I reckon Maintenance will go up if he goes down to 1 night every other week!

Original poster
GaelicSiog · 15/05/2017 19:42

He reckons it will stay the same plus an extra child. I think he's wrong on that, but for the sake of avoiding another major conflict I'm willing to accept it.

Why anyone would plan another child when they can't completely afford the 6 they already have is another issue.

OP posts:
happypoobum · 15/05/2017 19:47

Gaelic sorry but I don't think you should just accept it - this is money for your DD and he should be paying it.

If he is having DD fewer than 52 nights a year then that will probably pretty much outweigh the possible reduction due to the additional child.

Ask CMS or look at the online calculator and let that guide you. It doesn't have to be a major conflict if you let them deal with it. Good luck. Flowers

Original poster
GaelicSiog · 15/05/2017 19:57

He's just emailed to ask if I can take DD shopping for a party dress this week. I am so tempted to send her in the oldest clothes she owns.

OP posts: