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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed she's pregnant

286 replies

GaelicSiog · 14/05/2017 23:55

I know I am and I've seen this coming for a while, but I need to vent.

DD's dad has emailed me tonigbt to tell me that his partner is pregnant. This is not a surprise, they've been TTC for a while. They have DD every other weekend, next weekend is their weekend and they're having a family get together at which they will be telling the extended family and DD, so he wants me to keep it from her, but he wanted to let me know. He then goes on to say of course his maintenance payments will be dropping now, and btw they're off to bed so if I want to discuss with him I'll have to call tomorrow. This is a common tactic of his, drop bombshells late at night and say he's going to bed and turning his phone on silent.

They already have 6 DC between them. She has 3 from previous relationships, her youngest of those is only just older than DD, he moved in with them within weeks of DD arriving so he's very close to them, which has caused a lot of issues with them and DD over the years and deserves a whole thread of its own. They then have twins together. They're already struggling to fit them all into the house, we've had a huge drama lately because DSD1 has a large room to herself and won't share with anyone but her friends on sleepovers. They've recently put bunks in DSD2's tiny box for when DD stays because they won't make DSD1 swap or share. They have no space for a seventh, and DD already feels she has to compete for her dad's attention when she's there. That's only going to get worse now.

I know I'm BU, but I need to rant.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 15/05/2017 00:23

'No discussion needed on the payments, I'll just let the CSA sort it'. Or just ignore and talk to the CSA. Seems unfair for it to go down, given that rent and clothes etc are still the same price. But I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of chasing him to tell him what you already know, that he's a feckless cheapskate. I remember the activities thread - what a dick.

Oswin · 15/05/2017 00:25

He is such a selfish twat.

mathanxiety · 15/05/2017 00:25

Like Notmyrealname, I think when you are able to talk to him, ask him if he will also be announcing the reduction in maintenance payments to his DD and to all his other biological children at the clap-on-the-back-good-man-yerself family gathering?

How many children is he actually the sperm donor for?

mathanxiety · 15/05/2017 00:26

becausebecausebecause obviously, this man needs to know that too...

Original poster
GaelicSiog · 15/05/2017 00:28

math Grin

4 are biologically his including this pregnancy. Although I have always wondered if he is also DSS1's father. He insists he had ended with me before he met OW, but he had moved in with her within weeks of me having DD, we had split by then. DSS1 is a couple of months older than DD. I can't prove it, but I wouldn't be surprised.

OP posts:
KeiraKnightleyActsWithHerTeeth · 15/05/2017 00:29

Just did a v rough calculation on csa with random wage of £700 a week and 7 children living with paying parent and the amount is £71, dropped it to 5 and it is the same.

ZilphasHatpin · 15/05/2017 00:30

Christ i imagine the child support is already a pittance if it has been reduced to allow for the 5 kids he already has living with him.

Yanbu OP.

Italiangreyhound · 15/05/2017 00:33

My goodness, how can they afford so many kids.

Does he really think it is in her best interests to find out about a new baby alongside all other relatives at a big family party? He doesn't even have the decency to tell her in advance.

I'd almost be tempted to say "You called so late, I was so sleepy, but I thought you said to tell her in advance so it wasn't too much of a surprise!" But then that would be me string!

Italiangreyhound · 15/05/2017 00:34

stirring, not string!

KeiraKnightleyActsWithHerTeeth · 15/05/2017 00:34

On those calculations (obviously very rough without full detail but just to see how number of dc changes things) above again.
It is £84 if 0 children in the household, £75 if 1, £72 if 2 and then it goes to £71 and doesn't change going upward from there. So I imagine it shouldn't change?

Original poster
GaelicSiog · 15/05/2017 00:36

I'm not sure if the other kids know yet, Italian. Although DD is usually the last to know in that family.

I have a feeling it may not drop too here Keira, but I will be checking this. OW has been trying to get maintenance stopped for years Hmm I imagine she's behind that bit rather than him on his own.

OP posts:
KeiraKnightleyActsWithHerTeeth · 15/05/2017 00:40

Maybe you should reply along the lines of
"A change to maintenance? How exciting that DD will have more (necessary) money for her upbringing, when shall we expect these larger payments?"

I would query it with CSA tomorrow if I were you.

emmyrose2000 · 15/05/2017 00:50

I'd be fighting tooth and nail to keep the maintenance payments as they are now (or even increasing them if that's at all possible via the official calculations).

What an arsehole to tell DD about the new baby at the same time as the other extended family. I bet the other kids will know earlier than that. Seeing as Ex is such an dickhead I'd tell DD myself in advance so she has time to process it in her own time and way. Ex could suck balls in that regard!

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 15/05/2017 00:50

WTF discusses their sex life with their

ex wife and partner's ex wife. Hence you knowing about them TTC. Fucking weird. If you ask me.
The payments will be lowered. They're choosing to have another child. Why should your dd suffer financially. I'd be kicking up a right stink. This is massively unfair.

prh47bridge · 15/05/2017 00:51

What are the CSA's (or whatever it is now) rules on this?

If the paying parent also supports other children for whom they are not paying child maintenance (e.g. step children or children they have had with their current partner) the amount of child maintenance is reduced. The amount of the reduction depends on the number of children they are supporting. However, the reduction only covers the first three children they are supporting. Any additional children do not result in a further drop in maintenance.

If he is paying through the CMS (or at CMS rates) and is claiming a reduction for his partner's three children there will be no further reduction for the new child. However, if he is not claiming a reduction for his partner's children the new child will lead to a drop in maintenance payments.

AcrossthePond55 · 15/05/2017 00:54

Is your maintenance court ordered? If it is he can't just reduce it on his own willy-nilly, he'll have to go back to court.

If it's an informal arrangement, you need to calculate it using CMS's calculator to see where he falls compared to what they say he should be paying then decide whether or not you want to pursue a CMS claim.

RainbowJack · 15/05/2017 01:18

Do not text him to say anything other than thanks for letting me know

You'll just be rising to the bait. Do not give him the satisfaction.

Def. find out where you stand with the CM payments from their website.

RhodaBorrocks · 15/05/2017 01:28

Oh Gaelic, I remember your last thread. He's still being a cockwomble I see.

I get nothing from my ex because he's a serial cocklodger (has taken after his own DF) but I really hope that PP are correct and maintenance won't drop this time, for your DD's sake but mostly to have their smug assertions torn to shreds by official channels . Grin

mikeyssister · 15/05/2017 01:33

Legal situation in Ireland re maintenance is different to UK. We don't have CMS.

Gaelic, he's an absolute pr1ck. There's no way the mother will wait to tell her children. Anyway, how far gone is she?

MidniteScribbler · 15/05/2017 03:21

I'd actually be telling your DD. She deserves to find out in a sensitive manner, not just announced to all and sundry at a party. If she finds out you knew and didn't tell her, it could lead to her being upset with you. He can't swear you to secrecy without your consent.

ArsenalsPlayingAtHome · 15/05/2017 03:58

YANBU!

Your ex has certainly made quite an impression on here! I really hope DD's payments remain the same.

Your DD must get home to you and thank her lucky stars that she only has to endure spending time there every other weekend.

YY to PP who suggested you telling your DD beforehand. Are you able to tell us the age of your DD, OP?

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/05/2017 04:09

What an idiot! Personally I'd want my dd to be told by a parent in a sensitive and loving way. It doesn't sound as if he's capable of doing that and I can't believe he wants to announce the pregnancy in front of everyone. How old is your dd? Is contact court appointed? If not, I think she'd be feeling unwell and unable to go.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/05/2017 04:10

Sorry I should have said I'd tell her.

Original poster
GaelicSiog · 15/05/2017 09:22

She's 7. OW is due in October.

I'm leaning towards telling her too, partly because the more I think about it the other kids will already know. DD is the only non resident. Where this baby is going to sleep I have no idea, let alone DD.

OP posts:
mikeyssister · 15/05/2017 11:22

If she's due in October I guarantee they'll already have told at least the older children.

I would tell your DD, and tell her that Daddy wants to surprise her with the wonderful news, but you wanted her to know in advance in case she doesn't think it's wonderful news.

If she thinks it's wonderful, Happy Days and you can commiserate about smelly bums. If she's upset at least she's upset at home with you. At first she probably won't be bothered at all.