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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed she's pregnant

286 replies

GaelicSiog · 14/05/2017 23:55

I know I am and I've seen this coming for a while, but I need to vent.

DD's dad has emailed me tonigbt to tell me that his partner is pregnant. This is not a surprise, they've been TTC for a while. They have DD every other weekend, next weekend is their weekend and they're having a family get together at which they will be telling the extended family and DD, so he wants me to keep it from her, but he wanted to let me know. He then goes on to say of course his maintenance payments will be dropping now, and btw they're off to bed so if I want to discuss with him I'll have to call tomorrow. This is a common tactic of his, drop bombshells late at night and say he's going to bed and turning his phone on silent.

They already have 6 DC between them. She has 3 from previous relationships, her youngest of those is only just older than DD, he moved in with them within weeks of DD arriving so he's very close to them, which has caused a lot of issues with them and DD over the years and deserves a whole thread of its own. They then have twins together. They're already struggling to fit them all into the house, we've had a huge drama lately because DSD1 has a large room to herself and won't share with anyone but her friends on sleepovers. They've recently put bunks in DSD2's tiny box for when DD stays because they won't make DSD1 swap or share. They have no space for a seventh, and DD already feels she has to compete for her dad's attention when she's there. That's only going to get worse now.

I know I'm BU, but I need to rant.

OP posts:
witsender · 15/05/2017 20:00

Ask him for some money. Cheeky fucker.

Mrsmadevans · 15/05/2017 20:46

No OP go and get her the most beautiful dress you can and that will get up the OW nose as well (because you are loaded lol)and giving your dd a treat bless her

OfficerVanHalen · 15/05/2017 20:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/05/2017 20:50

They are going to break it to her in the car, they. Maggot. This should be a private father/child moment. Yes, you are so doing the right thing. They sound totally made for eachother. Must be such a nice man to have to take a restraining order against him Hmm.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/05/2017 20:50

Oh and I agree, he needs to pay for the dress.

FizzyGreenWater · 15/05/2017 20:56

Ignore the dress text and send her in something she's happy wearing.

Hopefully maintenance is CMS/CSA ordered? Then you can disengage and it will get sorted?

Original poster
GaelicSiog · 15/05/2017 21:07

Just in case anyone has missed my multiple threads on ex, to give you the full picture.

This is the prick who denied being DDs father when she was born, having turned up to see me in hospital with her. I'd just had surgery and wasn't completely with it. He'd just moved in with OW and brought DSD1 with him. Two and a bit years later he denied he'd ever done this and claimed I had hidden my pregnancy from him (I had an undetected pregnancy) and I had manipulated his reaction at the time to paint him in a bad light. I probably have enough threads on him for a topic of his own at this point Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
GaelicSiog · 15/05/2017 21:08

They're a package deal, dragon. Which is just great for DD Hmm

OP posts:
InvisibleKittenAttack · 15/05/2017 21:10

Ignore the text.

Re the CMS going up if he does got to 1 nght rather than 2, be careful about what would be best for you to achieve long term. If DD would be happier with only 1 night a fortnight contact, then you don't want to get him insisting on 2 nights to keep the maintenance costs down. It does sound like less contact the better.

I'd be tempted to tell her earlier than Thursday if she's going on Friday so she's got time to deal with it, talk to you etc.

expatinscotland · 15/05/2017 21:17

Don't stick your hand in the crazy. Seriously. She's your child, not 'extended family'. You don't need his permission to tell her or to go to whatever the CMS is in Ireland to deal with this sperm donor. You know her best, if you think it's in her best interest to tell her, then you go ahead and do it. Wouldn't answer him at all, he's not after her best interests, he's after his own. Stop engaging with him. He's no good for her and you are.

BubbleBed · 15/05/2017 21:30

I'm glad you decided to tell her. Poor girl. She doesn't deserve that. It's the kind of thing I know people do, to the men's previous children usually, and it drives me bloody bonkers.

Original poster
GaelicSiog · 15/05/2017 21:39

I'm taking your advice and ignoring him for now, expat. he isn't worth any more of my time today.

Most of it usually comes from OW, so I imagine that's what's going on. The joke is she has seen how her own older kids have been cast aside by their dads. She should know better than this crap. I suspect ex's family might not take too kindly to their party being hijacked either, but that's their problem. I just don't want DD upset and confused and caught up in their nastiness.

OP posts:
EweAreHere · 15/05/2017 21:54

He's just emailed to ask if I can take DD shopping for a party dress this week. I am so tempted to send her in the oldest clothes she owns.

Find one online and send him the link with her size. Suggest he buy her a pretty new party dress for the party he's taking her, too. Tell him she'll be delighted daddy cared enough to buy her a pretty new dress.

EweAreHere · 15/05/2017 21:55

Lots of stores do next day pick ups in store or deliveries. Shouldn't be a problem, really...

TheGreyBlock · 15/05/2017 22:08

Sorry if I'm repeating what has already been said but the CSA and CMS do not reduce maintenance payments for 4 or more children living in the Non Resident Parents home. The reduction stops at 3.

MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 15/05/2017 22:20

Wow, I remember the thread about your DDs activity and the boy wanting to start something new and it clashing and your DD was expected to not go every other weekend and trail around after her step/half siblings. What was the actual outcome of that in the end?

What a twat he is. They sound like they belong on Jeremy Kyle tbh. Your poor DD having to come 6th best in that shower of shite they call a home.

EvaBishop80 · 15/05/2017 22:39

So sorry your DD is going through this, I also remember your other threads and he sounds like a prized dick.

If it pushes your DD to reduce contact it may be a good thing from what you have said, however I agree with InvisibleKittenAttack in my bitter experience I wouldn't ever push more maintenance if they reduce contact voluntarily as it will make him fight this and my DD being happy with less contact would be the most important thing in the long term Flowers

mathanxiety · 16/05/2017 01:47

Do what Ewe says.

The cheek of him.

mathanxiety · 16/05/2017 01:51

Or actually, yeah, rise above it. He wants to get under your skin.

AvaCrowder2 · 16/05/2017 02:09

I agree with Math. Ignore him. Do what you think is right by your dd.

If the cms lower your dds money then they will. He is not worth your time.

lalalalyra · 16/05/2017 02:34

I bet you this is behind the activity saga... I'd put money on the boy giving up his actuvity just in time for your ex to take over taking the two girls, including the stroppy one iirc, to theirs when she's too pregnant/has a newborn...

Original poster
GaelicSiog · 16/05/2017 08:21

I wouldn't be surprised, Lala. DSD1 rules the roost and everyone else must make way for her. The bedroom situation is going to be interesting though because I doubt they will fit another one in with the boys and DSD2 now has a bunk in the box room. But of course DSD1 must have a double room to herself Hmm

I haven't replied, he's sent another message this morning saying money is going to be tight and he really needs me to get her a dress. He should have thought of that before he planned another baby.

That's exactly how I feel about contact/maintenance. I will happily stick with the current amount since it works for DD, she doesn't want to do Friday nights there anymore and this way at least that's settled.

OP posts:
Original poster
GaelicSiog · 16/05/2017 11:10

He's just texted to say he can't buy her a dress because he doesn't know what size she wears. I've informed him Grin

OP posts:
arbrighton · 16/05/2017 11:24

She's 7???????????? It's not like buying a bra/ lingerie for your wife when there are so many size options and risk of getting it wrong.

And erm, does he NEVER buy her anything?

Feckless idiot

Hissy · 16/05/2017 11:41

Just ignore him, he has the information and now he wants TWO women to be doing the running around after him... meanwhile he tries to reduce the amount of money he sends...

Ex, it's Your family 'do', your daughter, YOU sort out the dress.

He just doesn't want to pay for this.

I hope your DD sees through it all and drops him and the rest of them, the sooner she realises that he's never going to be the dad she needs him to be, the better. Poor little thing.