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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be pissed she's pregnant

286 replies

GaelicSiog · 14/05/2017 23:55

I know I am and I've seen this coming for a while, but I need to vent.

DD's dad has emailed me tonigbt to tell me that his partner is pregnant. This is not a surprise, they've been TTC for a while. They have DD every other weekend, next weekend is their weekend and they're having a family get together at which they will be telling the extended family and DD, so he wants me to keep it from her, but he wanted to let me know. He then goes on to say of course his maintenance payments will be dropping now, and btw they're off to bed so if I want to discuss with him I'll have to call tomorrow. This is a common tactic of his, drop bombshells late at night and say he's going to bed and turning his phone on silent.

They already have 6 DC between them. She has 3 from previous relationships, her youngest of those is only just older than DD, he moved in with them within weeks of DD arriving so he's very close to them, which has caused a lot of issues with them and DD over the years and deserves a whole thread of its own. They then have twins together. They're already struggling to fit them all into the house, we've had a huge drama lately because DSD1 has a large room to herself and won't share with anyone but her friends on sleepovers. They've recently put bunks in DSD2's tiny box for when DD stays because they won't make DSD1 swap or share. They have no space for a seventh, and DD already feels she has to compete for her dad's attention when she's there. That's only going to get worse now.

I know I'm BU, but I need to rant.

OP posts:
needsahalo · 15/05/2017 12:51

Fair point, a better analogy would be if the op chose to have another child, her income would have to stretch and the proportional spend on her existing daughter would fall

But she wouldn't be expecting her ex to increase his payments in this situation, would she? Yet he can go out and have as many additional children as he likes and not worry about the impact he is having on the income of his other children's households.

Original poster
GaelicSiog · 15/05/2017 12:55

I haven't responded yet, but this morning he's sent another email suggesting maintenance stays the same and they have DD one night a fortnight instead of two- this is the arrangement we had last weekend anyway and the one I was hoping we would settle on to solve the activities issue I've posted about before, so I'm happy with that. I suspect he looked it up and realised that might be the better solution to offer up.

Re OW and maintenance, I have one of those jobs people tend to assume the salary for is significantly more than it actually is. OW thinks I'm loaded and therefore don't need maintenance for DD. I'm not badly off, but certainly nowhere near as well off as she thinks I am. It's also his obligation as her father.

I doubt she'll be that bothered about another baby, but she might be bothered about realising they've all kept this from her for weeks. Which is why I want to tell her. Just a question of whether I tell him I've told her.

OW left her ex for my ex, I think there must have been some overlap there but he insists otherwise. Her ex is definitely named on DSS1's birth certificate as the father I would imagine, as he pays maintenance and has contact. But I still wonder because of the timings.

Yes, I've posted about the sleeping arrangements. 4 bed house, originally a 3 bed with the third room as a tiny box room, 4th bedroom as loft extension. DSD1 is a spoiled brat and shared with DD until recently on contact weekends, she now has the second largest of the kids' rooms to herself. DSS1, DSS2 and DSS3 share the largest, DSD2 is in the box and now has bunks in there so DD can share with her on contact weekends. There is no room in that house for a baby if they keep letting DSD1 have what she wants. Which they will. Not my problem, but I know it will have a knock on effect on DD.

OP posts:
Original poster
GaelicSiog · 15/05/2017 12:58

6 kids:

DSD1 13
DSD2 10
DSS1 7
DD 7
DSS2 and DSS3 4

I may have the girls ages a year off, can't remember where their birthdays fall, but I have the boys right.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 15/05/2017 13:00

I feel for you and your DD. The idea of this being thrust on her in a big busy gathering, where whether or not it's true I'm sure she'll assume some of the other DC already know about the new baby is horrible Sad

I read your previous thread about weekends and it sounds like he's listening to you and the disruption to her will be less now, which is good. She's lucky to have you and be your number one priority.

How did she take the news of the twins? She was younger then so it might be different now. But I'd tell her, and then leave it up to her whether you let her father know she knows or she can just pretend to be surprised and ride it out on the day.

Agree with others, he has no right to swear you to secrecy about something which will affect your daughter. You don't owe him anything.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/05/2017 13:02

Treating one child better than the others and all the other children better than your dd is horrendous. They really are arses, aren't they? I imagine you think dropping it to one night a fortnight is a great idea. Your dd is far more fortunate than these children even though it may seem to the contrary because she has a mummy, who genuinely cares about her wellbeing.

expatinscotland · 15/05/2017 13:02

I wouldn't contact him about it at all. I'd contact CMS or whoever handles that if you are in Ireland. And I'd tell your DD. Fuck him and what he wants.

TheElephantAndBun · 15/05/2017 13:03

I would tell him you think it's unfair DD has to find out at a family party in a public manner, so if he would like to pop over tonight to tell her himself in a 1-to-1 conversation, that would be fine, otherwise, you'll be telling her later.

Like InvisibleKittenAttack says. Give him the option to tell her but be clear that she will find out before the party. Your DD isn't extended family!

InvisibleKittenAttack · 15/05/2017 13:04

Tell him you plan to tell her, that you dno't think it's fair to make her wait until a big public gathering rather than telling her privately, giving her chance to deal with it - give him the chance to come over and tell her himself one night this week.

Original poster
GaelicSiog · 15/05/2017 13:06

The twins are 3, they haven't turned 4 yet. I got carried away following the pattern Blush DD was fine with them at first, but she does notice now the amount of attention 5 other kids take up when she's with daddy. But she's only ever "lived" with daddy EOW which might be relevant there. We never lived together.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 15/05/2017 13:07

Ah well at least his suggestion is an improvement for DD!

If you do tell DD about the baby it could back fire and them be horrible to DD as a repercussion...

You could say to ex that you think DD may be upset and you think it's better you present it to her as an exciting thing rather than her bursting their bubble with tears etc at the weekend?

expatinscotland · 15/05/2017 13:08

I would just tell her, he doesn't deserve the 'chance' to do shite because he's proven himself an utter roaster of a father. I'm curious at what kind of jobs allow him to support so many children.

Lovewineandchocs · 15/05/2017 13:10

Tell her. Your poor DD, being told with "extended family." What a shit. At least you can prepare her. Great, the one night per fortnight has already started so can just continue-that solves the activity problem. They'll have to move house now, surely. And they'd have known OW was pregnant when all that palaver about the highsleeper happened-you'd think they'd have kept it, they'll need it Grin

Hissy · 15/05/2017 13:15

I would tell him you think it's unfair DD has to find out at a family party in a public manner, so if he would like to pop over tonight to tell her himself in a 1-to-1 conversation, that would be fine, otherwise, you'll be telling her later.

I agree with this too. that kid deserves to know she's priority for at least ONE parent.

he's a monumental arse

FizzyGreenWater · 15/05/2017 13:27

I would tell him you think it's unfair DD has to find out at a family party in a public manner, so if he would like to pop over tonight to tell her himself in a 1-to-1 conversation, that would be fine, otherwise, you'll be telling her later.

make that appalling rather than unfair, and add that it's not going to happen because she's not a member of the extended family.

This is a common tactic of his, drop bombshells late at night and say he's going to bed and turning his phone on silent.

  • in future, NEVER reply to a text sent in this fashion. Just leave it. Let him stew and wait for the update or the ? text, and breezily say oh sorry, did you send it late? - I didn't see it.

As you haven't replied so far, you could even decide that you hadn't seen the thoughtless late-night text and just go on the update one, and tell him that that sounds wonderful, congratulations, DD and I are really pleased for you, then reply to the late-night bombshell text with oh! sorry - did you send this very late - I didn't see it - I've already told DD, it didn't even occur to me that you would see her as 'extended' family, are you sure that's what you meant. Oh and maintenance - yes whatever - rather crass for it to be your first thought during the actual pregnancy announcement so tbh I was going to ignore that and just send my congratulations as it seemed more appropriate. Hope OW is feeling ok.

:)

AnnieAnoniMouse · 15/05/2017 13:49

She's not even on his radar is she, poor little mite.

Does she enjoy going there?

Initially I was going to say I'd give him the opportunity to come around & tell her, or I'd tell her. But actually, maybe that'll make it a bigger deal for her than it needs to be. Maybe you're better off just saying 'Oh are they? That's nice for them' and treating it like they're getting a new sofa. There are 5 other kids there already, she's not the youngest, maybe just down play it.

He's a cuntwomble, but that's not new news :(

diddl · 15/05/2017 13:50

Sorry, I asked the kids ages thinking that it was all the kids being told & wondering what sort of age you would be aiming this at & if they would even be interested iyswim.

But it's like a big party?

Could end up being utterly overwhelming.

So, one of the few times he sees her & it's not even about her!

Sounds great to me that he wants to see her less-as long as that won't upset her a lot.

confusedat23 · 15/05/2017 13:51

I'm sorry OP I can only see your DD getting pushed out even more by this.

Once the new baby is big enough to move to its own room it will have the Bunk Bed and your DD will be resigned to the sofa Sad

calli335 · 15/05/2017 13:54

It's about time he got the bloody snip by the sounds of things!

Starlight2345 · 15/05/2017 13:57

Are you going through CSA/CMS...

If so let him drop it to one day a fortnight then inform CMS/CSA..

but poor girl..

I will pay a little more to not see her Angry

diddl · 15/05/2017 14:04

It makes me want to scream that people can just effectively cast their kids aside as another comes along.

Original poster
GaelicSiog · 15/05/2017 15:18

calli that made me laugh Grin I have no issue with having lots of kids, I grew up with 9 full siblings. The difference was none of us were pushed aside to make way for the others.

OW is a manipulative nightmare in all honesty, but that's an issue for another thread. My main worry is that this is going to lead to less and less contact, and while I would be quite happy with that, right now DD does value her relationship with her dad.

It will be a big family event, yes. I suspect they are planning on hijacking the whole thing as a baby announcement- they aren't hosting.

OP posts:
Lovewineandchocs · 15/05/2017 15:35

They aren't even hosting? So are they just going to hijack great-aunt's birthday or whatever with their announcement? Shock how does your DD feel about attending this family gathering, is it even her family? They'd be better telling her 1 to 1 first but they're probably too selfish?

Original poster
GaelicSiog · 15/05/2017 15:43

Yep love. They did the same for the twins' pregnancy announcement, they did it at OW's step sister's wedding reception. They have form. I have never met OW's step sister, but I suspect we could form a "we hate OW" club to rival ex MIL and OW's "we hate Gaelic" club, from what I have heard. OW is the ugly stepsister in Cinderella in RL.

OP posts:
Stormtreader · 15/05/2017 15:51

Definitely don't leave it for her to be told at the big party - I expect she will be rather upset by the news that she'll have even more competition for her dads time, and that there wont be any time set aside for her to talk about being sad when the whole rest of the party will be all loud congratulations.

Hissy · 15/05/2017 15:56

Does your dd get ANY benefit from interaction with this supposed father of hers?

I'd suggest you scale back the overnights to 0, and just arrange daytime meets.

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