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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be pissed she's pregnant

286 replies

GaelicSiog · 14/05/2017 23:55

I know I am and I've seen this coming for a while, but I need to vent.

DD's dad has emailed me tonigbt to tell me that his partner is pregnant. This is not a surprise, they've been TTC for a while. They have DD every other weekend, next weekend is their weekend and they're having a family get together at which they will be telling the extended family and DD, so he wants me to keep it from her, but he wanted to let me know. He then goes on to say of course his maintenance payments will be dropping now, and btw they're off to bed so if I want to discuss with him I'll have to call tomorrow. This is a common tactic of his, drop bombshells late at night and say he's going to bed and turning his phone on silent.

They already have 6 DC between them. She has 3 from previous relationships, her youngest of those is only just older than DD, he moved in with them within weeks of DD arriving so he's very close to them, which has caused a lot of issues with them and DD over the years and deserves a whole thread of its own. They then have twins together. They're already struggling to fit them all into the house, we've had a huge drama lately because DSD1 has a large room to herself and won't share with anyone but her friends on sleepovers. They've recently put bunks in DSD2's tiny box for when DD stays because they won't make DSD1 swap or share. They have no space for a seventh, and DD already feels she has to compete for her dad's attention when she's there. That's only going to get worse now.

I know I'm BU, but I need to rant.

OP posts:
witsender · 15/05/2017 11:29

I'm due end of Oct and it is getting hard to hide it now, so I suspect the others already know. Given his form can you trust him to tell her sensitively? How do you think she will feel about it?

Pinkheart5917 · 15/05/2017 11:35

So he has dd every other weekend, and keeps having more dc and pushing her out even more? Well his not up for father of the year anytime soon.

To say about oh I'll be dropping maintenance Hmm unless his in some major well paid job I don't imagine with all those dc he gives you a great deal now. But it's ok becuase your pick up the slack and make your money stretch more to cover food and clothes for yours & his dd Angry

Your poor little dd.

I'd tell dd myself in a sensitive way about the pregnancy I think, no way would I have her find out at a party that his having yet another dc and she'll be pushed out more than she already is

Chloe84 · 15/05/2017 11:36

I remember your other thread Gaelic. What a twat he is.

OW has been trying to get maintenance stopped for years hmm I imagine she's behind that bit rather than him on his own.

Why is OW trying to stop DD's maintenance?

Presumably she doesn't begrudge herself the maintenance she gets from her ex for DC?

QuietNameChange · 15/05/2017 11:49

of course his maintenance payments will be dropping now.....angry

My dad tried this. Same situation, I think I was one year older than your DD.

He failed.

FizzyGreenWater · 15/05/2017 11:57

I remember your other thread.

I would tell your DD about the pregnancy, because I think there's a good chancce the 'real' children of the family will already know Angry and she'll once again be left feeling the odd one out but in front of the extended family.

You know her best - depends if she's gonig to be equally hurt if you tell her to look surprised and pleased, as I guess it's still clear that she's the outsider. Maybe the other kids won't know.

Feel for you.

TattyCat · 15/05/2017 11:57

I'd actually be telling your DD. She deserves to find out in a sensitive manner, not just announced to all and sundry at a party. If she finds out you knew and didn't tell her, it could lead to her being upset with you. He can't swear you to secrecy without your consent.

This. I'd tell her to give her the chance to talk it through with someone who has the time for her, before being given shock news like this. She will likely feel very much sidelined if she's told at the same time as extended family members. It's not fair on her. And I'd tell him that you've told her.

CaptainMorgansMistress · 15/05/2017 11:59

Just about the maintenance OP- it's only a 2% drop when they go from 2 additional children (the twins) to 3 additional. And then it doesn't drop again regardless of any further extras.

emmyrose2000 · 15/05/2017 12:05

It's absolutely disgusting that a so-called father considers his own seven year old daughter "extended family". What a scumbag.

HappyFlappy · 15/05/2017 12:05

Just because he's impregnated someone doesn;t dilute his responsibilty to your (your as in you and him) DD.

What 70 has said. If he and his partner choose to have more children, it is up to them to support them - not up to you and your DD.

cosytoaster · 15/05/2017 12:06

YANBU - what a selfish pair of wankers. I also would tell your DD, he doesn't get to call all the shots and he's obviously an insensitive idiot.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 15/05/2017 12:10

What is his plan, keep knocking her up so his CM payments fall to zero? Sounds like she doesnt your DD around anymore.

yourcarisnotadiscovery · 15/05/2017 12:10

OP, i feel for you and your DD. Yes, he can drop his child maintenance payments - my ex did this when he and his partner had a child (down to the exact amount!). It seems to go against what the child maintenance payments are for - not for you, they are contributions towards your DDs basic needs in life. so selfish

WateryTart · 15/05/2017 12:14

Make sure you get exactly what you are entitled to. Selfish prick.

inkydinky · 15/05/2017 12:16

This is the part of the CMS that really pees me off. My ex moved in with the OW and her two children (who are supported sufficiently well by their own father that their mother works very part time) and promptly dropped payments for ours.

I'm sorry that your daughter is being pushed out OP. Mine feel the same in their new blended family and it is awful to watch x

arbrighton · 15/05/2017 12:22

Perhaps it's time to revisit access arrangements then, now your DD is older and can express an opinion and is clearly not accommodated very well when they do have her.

Sorry to hear that your EX is being a dick about this, after the other thread

ItsNachoCheese · 15/05/2017 12:29

Your ex is a tit. He will still need to pay maintenance he cannot get out of paying it

GrandDesespoir · 15/05/2017 12:29

This is a common tactic of his, drop bombshells late at night and say he's going to bed and turning his phone on silent.

This alone is dickish behaviour.

innagazing · 15/05/2017 12:34

Just an aside thought about you wondering if the child that was new born when your ex went to live with ow, you could buy the birth certificate and see if he is named on it as the father.
I would want to know.

FrancisCrawford · 15/05/2017 12:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RandomMess · 15/05/2017 12:36

I would love to reply merely to make a comment along the lines of "surely fathering 4 DC you can't provide for with time and money is enough without adding a 5th?"

Just to point out you believe DSS1 is his...

Flowers I'd tell your DD too btw, she may well be upset and need you there for some support.

RestingBitch · 15/05/2017 12:41

Didn't you post about the sleeping arrangements before?

So because he has yet more offspring, it's going to cost you less to bring your dd up, therefore meaning he can pay less child support? He sounds like an absolute gent Hmm

SleepFreeZone · 15/05/2017 12:47

I would reply 'congratulations, those sleepless nights are a killer' and keavevut at that.

SleepFreeZone · 15/05/2017 12:47

*leave it

diddl · 15/05/2017 12:48

I think that you should tell your daughter about the baby.

A big get together to announce it?

That's just too much for her.

How old are the other children?

She would be the only one there who isn't the child of the gf?

Poor, poor girl.

I hope she decides to stop seeing him.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 15/05/2017 12:49

Definately speak to CMS to find out if he's right he can reduce CM further if he's already claiming reduction for his own DCs and the Step-children.

I would tell him you think it's unfair DD has to find out at a family party in a public manner, so if he would like to pop over tonight to tell her himself in a 1-to-1 conversation, that would be fine, otherwise, you'll be telling her later.