Page 8 | To not want three or more people stepping into my house?

GrumpyPotato · 2017-05-12T02:44:03+00:00

My family have been pestering me for ages trying to get me to schedule a dinner party at my place. My problem though, is that I feel like their presence will "ruin" my house. Currently, I can honestly say that this place is as perfect as a house can be. Everything is spotless and in the "default" position as placed by my interior designer, there are no scratch marks on glasses or metal surfaces, all my kitchenware are nicely polished, books that have crumpled pages have all been thrown away etc. I can handle a single visitor at any one time due to ease of monitoring purposes. But a whole group? No way. AIBU to suggest we host it somewhere else instead? A nice restaurant perhaps?

teapotter · 12/05/2017 21:10

OP YANBU to live this way if it works for you. However I would echo what some previous posters mentioned. Please consider what you would do if you ever required care or needed to move to a nursing home. If there are changes you could make now (therapy? a new visitor?) which would make life easier in the future then it is worth doing them sooner rather than later. Please make sure your choices now don't cause problems for you in the future when you are less able to control your environment.

ahhhhhwoof · 13/05/2017 17:49

This isn't a real post

pollymere · 13/05/2017 18:40

If your hosting it on your own it's tricky to keep multiple guests entertained whilst cooking. That is an issue, this isn't. Unless you have the sort of family that touches everything. I wondered whether having a 'party' like Body Shop or one of the Candle ones might help you have a couple of people around so you can get used to having people in before trying a dinner party.

SherbrookeFosterer · 13/05/2017 19:04

Firstly "live in your house, don't let your house live in you" and secondly talk to your GP about CBT for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

Your house has become a prison and that is stopping you from normal social activity.

Good luck.

AnxiousMunchkin · 13/05/2017 19:41

Doesn't sound like OP regards it as a prison - quite the opposite in fact, a sanctuary. And it's not stopping her from normal social activity - she hasn't expressed any desire to have guests in her home, is perfectly happy conducting her social life outside of her home by meeting in restaurants etc.

"Normal social life" isn't an objective standard that everything needs to meet. And internet diagnosing is pretty poor form. You could suggest that behaviour displays traits etc but telling someone to seek treatment for a specific disorder is inappropriate.

DreamilyLookingOutOfTheWindow · 13/05/2017 19:43

This thread could have been started by my Mother

Growing up in a show home is not fun - when there are massive uproars if their isn't exacting space in between hangers in the wardrobe, or someone has touched the curtains and they are not matching and I mean down to the last fold of material and mm away from the wall on both sides

No friends or visitors allowed

GrumbleBumble · 13/05/2017 20:11

What is the point of nice stuff if it's too nice to use? Kitchen ware is for cooking with / eating from, books are for reading, if they don't fulfil their purpose and they aren't too impress others (which they clearly aren't because the OP doesn't want people in the house) and they aren't items with huge sentimently meaning or even chosen by the OAP because she loves them but provided by an interior designer what is the point of them? It's one thing to feel there is a place for everything and everything should be in it's place it quite another to expect your own parents to visit seperately so you can "monitor" what they are doing. I suspect the pressure from family is because they are worried about you and hope that you can be snapped out of this.

kateandme · 13/05/2017 20:40

if this way of life isn't harming then I agree with pp and its ok.but in the depths of ill health or way of livng for s long its often reality that you miss and u don't actually then realise how blinkered and misconstrued your way of thinking is now.especially if its ocd because it can be a manipulative illness that will fo you into thinking this is ok,right,your happy?when really you imprisoned.
or not...some people can be very very particular and are perfectly ok.
but are the behaviours overtaking,can the consequences of something or someno ruining your things bring horrific thoughts and fear to mind.
do you cjhoose to live like this or have to and are accepting of it.
because if it is an illness.what if it could be ok.what if it could be different.would you if you didn't mind non perfection like to be with family more? would you like peope round an to have friends?becasue hun if so this is perfectly possible.cha;neging to fight.but possible and worth it honestly it is.dont cage yourself up is all I'm saying.dont accept this as "oh its the way I am" if you don't want it to be so.
and bimey how people can be so insensitive on here if this is a real problem,the torture of ling like thi can feel devastating every single day

SwearySwearyQuiteContrary · 14/05/2017 02:58

My rather delightful Aspie daughter is a bit like this (I'm not suggesting you have ASD, OP!) and gets a great deal of comfort from being able to manage the environment that is under her control when the rest of the world is often jarring and tricky to navigate. She enjoys having "her" space where her things are where and as she wants them and she can manage who is there with her. If that's what your home is for you, OP, then of course YANBU to want to keep it that way.

If I may, I'll tell you what I say to my DD; relationships, even those with people who love and 'get you', do require some effort. Your parents are clearly happy to make the effort by working around your comfort zones in terms of managing their visits. Have a think about the effort that you could make to show that you place importance on having them and family in your life. Enjoy your home, it sounds lovely.

Oliversmumsarmy · 14/05/2017 08:14

I think people are trying to warn you OP that you are heading for a bleak existence if you carry on the way you are .

You talk only of colleagues/acquaintances and how you are not bothered about friends.
Those colleagues/acquaintances have their own lives and in probably 5 years time you won't know any of them because they have moved on. If they are replaced by people you don't get on with you either stay or you leave.

Your parents whilst you enjoy their company are not going to be around forever so eventually op you get exactly what you wanted.

If what you want is to talk to no one ever again. No one missing you if you have an accident. No one there to check you are OK if they don't get an answer to a call or wonder what has happened to you if you don't show up for a meet up. Then you are heading in the right direction.

metalmum15 · 14/05/2017 08:34

My dm has a friend just like this. Bear in mind, my dm is her only friend. She's in her 70's now with a perfect house, but nothing else. No family and no other friends. My dm only keeps in touch with her out of guilt. Since leaving work, this lady has been extremely lonely.

OP, you won't be working forever. What about if you lose your job, or when you eventually retire? A possible 20-odd years rattling around your perfect showhome is going to be very lonely.

metalmum15 · 14/05/2017 08:34

My dm has a friend just like this. Bear in mind, my dm is her only friend. She's in her 70's now with a perfect house, but nothing else. No family and no other friends. My dm only keeps in touch with her out of guilt. Since leaving work, this lady has been extremely lonely.

OP, you won't be working forever. What about if you lose your job, or when you eventually retire? A possible 20-odd years rattling around your perfect showhome is going to be very lonely.

falange · 14/05/2017 08:36

You live in a house. Not a home. And I think that's sad. I feel sorry for you.

Lillithxxx · 14/05/2017 08:55

Very sad for you in your lovely home unable to share with other people. Get help now because it will bite you on the bum big time when you are old.

Imbroglio · 14/05/2017 08:55

Maybe its 'home' until other people charge in and mess it up at which point it becomes a house?

It's not what I aspire to either but what we think doesn't really matter. It's pretty unpleasant to tell someone that you think their life is sad or somehow diminished for wanting things differently from how most people want them.

Oliversmumsarmy · 14/05/2017 09:04

I work in the building industry and find it s bit sad at times when I get to a house that is perfectly done spotlessly clean but stuck in a time warp. Just remember OP. When you have lived your life OP someone will come into your beautiful untouched house with a sledgehammer and within a day all traces of you will be gone.

Ripped out enough avocado bathroom suites and pink shag pile that someone has spent days of their life cleaning and hoovering.

I am sad because I think what a waste of a life.

Anniegetyourgun · 14/05/2017 09:11

But it doesn't matter what someone does with your house when you're not there to see it any more. Why would it? My house is my chosen environment, not my legacy to the world. They can do what they like with their sledgehammers when I'm done with it.

Oliversmumsarmy · 14/05/2017 09:28

It is about the time someone went to when they were alive trying to keep up the perfection and at the end the only thing that defined these people was their house interior which is no more. There are no friends or family to remember them. No one to miss them. All because they valued stuff over people

Badbadbunny · 14/05/2017 09:30

Some ridiculous people on here. It seems that in a world of supposed "tolerance" and "freedom", it's OK for people to be gay, or wear what they want, or have multiple tattoos to "express themselves", but if someone is happy to keep their home as a "show home" they need professional help and it's ok to criticise and mock them!! That's really good for a tolerant and free society isn't it???

Good god, get a grip!! If the OP is happy, what the hell has it got to do with a load of mumsnetters? You're being bloody ridiculous. I'm sick and tired of this modern trend of expecting people to confirm in one way but allowed complete freedom in another - who the hell makes these "rules" and who decides what people can have freedom about and what they have to confirm to society's expectations. If the OP had come on here and said she wanted to cover her body with tattoos, have a sex change, etc., it would have been "right on sister, go for it! Anyone suggesting "professional help" or criticising or being as nasty as some of you lot would have been shot down.

chalkiegirl · 14/05/2017 09:33

You cannot be serious!

Badbadbunny · 14/05/2017 09:35

It is about the time someone went to when they were alive trying to keep up the perfection and at the end the only thing that defined these people was their house interior which is no more. There are no friends or family to remember them. No one to miss them. All because they valued stuff over people

So what? The person would be dead so wouldn't give too hoots! The only thing that matters is how that person feels when they were alive. If it made them feel happy to have a clean and tidy "showroom" house, what the hell has that got to do with anyone else? Don't superimpose your own thoughts, feelings and opinions onto others. We're all different, we value different things, different things make us happy. But one thing in common, when we're dead, we're dead, and it doesn't make a scrap of difference then!

PacificDogwod · 14/05/2017 09:44

If you don't want to host a dinner party, don't.

If you like your home neat and tidy, fine.

However, the way you describe your preferences do get me worrying about how much of your desire for order is a voluntary preference or whether it has tipped over in to a compulsion. In compulsive behaviour it would make you feel (sometimes physically) deeply uncomfortable if forced to allow for, say, in your case, untidiness. Somebody who simply likes tidiness may get mildly annoyed by mess, but would not feel anxious, stressed, sick etc etc.

I don't know whether that describes you?

The need to control the environment to the extent that you are describing can be part of an anxiety disorder (including but not limited to OCD) and is well worthwhile discussing with your GP in order to access help. IF that is what you want.

I agree with PP, you are restricting and limiting your life.
The problem with compulsion is that it tends to get worse, so much as you are I gather capable with coping with a couple of people or trusted people in your house, you might get to the point where you won't. Or that you no longer find yourself able to tolerate the 'mess' in the street. Or your place of work.

It can be a really pernicious problem and I wish you the very best of luck.

TheWhiteRoseOfYork · 14/05/2017 09:46

The only thing that matters is how that person feels when they were alive. If it made them feel happy to have a clean and tidy "showroom" house, what the hell has that got to do with anyone else?

But the OP has some doubts otherwise she would not be posting on here. If she were 100% sure her way was the best way for her she would not need to ask if SWBU. There are obviously doubts about how her not inviting people into her domain and going for a restaurant instead would be perceived to others. So she is not just wanting to live her life her way and sod anyone else, there is a part of her that is not wanting to offend presumably because she does want to maintain relationships. So other posters are giving their POV about how she may come across to others. Not to be offensive but to help.

LaLegue · 14/05/2017 10:04

We could all argue that the only thing that matters while we are alive is that we please ourselves first and put all considerations for others behind that. Why is it okay to think that way over this issue but not over everything else?

We owe it to ourselves to be true to ourselves in life in as far as it's possible without it tipping over into self centredness and a total disregard for those we are supposed to care about and who care about us.

No one is asking the OP to turn her home into a hostel for drug addicts or to become a childminder and embrace all things sticky, messy and noisy. Merely that she shows some consideration to her family and friends (if she even has any) in a while and doesn't prioritize her need for order and control over enjoying time with them.

Because that way lies sadness. And a life only half lived.

Floggingmolly · 14/05/2017 10:12

People are commenting on / giving their opinion on the way op chooses to live her life because she posted to enquire whether she was being unreasonable or not in other people's opinions, badbunny
She seems fairly certain she isn't, but something made her want to check.
If all was rosy in the garden it wouldn't be an issue.