To not want three or more people stepping into my house?

[GrumpyPotato]

My family have been pestering me for ages trying to get me to schedule a dinner party at my place.

My problem though, is that I feel like their presence will "ruin" my house. Currently, I can honestly say that this place is as perfect as a house can be. Everything is spotless and in the "default" position as placed by my interior designer, there are no scratch marks on glasses or metal surfaces, all my kitchenware are nicely polished, books that have crumpled pages have all been thrown away etc.

I can handle a single visitor at any one time due to ease of monitoring purposes. But a whole group? No way.

AIBU to suggest we host it somewhere else instead? A nice restaurant perhaps?

I mean I would be unhappy if I had to live in a house with a dog in it....that doesn't mean I would assume everyone who has a dog is unhappy about it!

But it isn't even the OP's idea of perfection, it is her interior designer's idea of perfection. It sounds like the OP is barely living in her own home, just sort of gliding through without making any impact. Like living in a shop window or a screen set.

I think it is absolutely fine to do what you need to do to manage your mental health issues, so long as you are aware that that is what are you doing and you have/do/will seek support for that.

There's no need for the nastiness, there's really not.

GrumpyPotato. Just keep saying no. It's very, very rude of them to keep pressuring you to do it. It's your home & you get to choose how it's kept & who comes into it.

I totally understand what you mean about the 'new phone' feeling. I'm a bit worried about you though, I worry how you'll be when you do accidentally scratch something or make a mark somewhere. It might be good to try to get some help for your own levels of anxiety (not with a view to having a dinner party, just so you can relax a bit more).

Surely, if your interior designer placed things 'just so', it's not really your house, is it? Do you ever move things yourself to places you think they might be better? Or are you living in someone else's version of 'staged perfection'?

I could not live in a house like you described. It sounds cold, unlived in, a show house. It doesn't sound like a home.

To be honest I couldn't live in yours either.

Goodness OP, that doesn’t sound like a very healthy way to live your life. I have a nice house too - not designer in any way, but created with love. I also like it when it is neat and tidy and clean. I also like being in it alone. BUT i like it even better when people come to enjoy it with me. They add a warmth to the place and it feels like it is being used for its proper purpose. When they go away it can return to being clean and tidy again. I have to say i place no value on possessions and if things get broken, scratched or dented i really don’t mind. They are just things. People are more precious in my opinion.

I don't know what i am trying say other than i wonder if deep down you may be unhappy and your home and possessions are filling a void?

I actually have people over at birthdays/Christmas as I feel I have to, I hate it but I do it, so don't just assume that because I don't like it I just go around other people's houses! I do know that would be selfish!

The thing that makes me sad is thinking of those poor books with crumpled pages being thrown away.

Is it possible to read or is that too risky an activity?

YANBU, I am the opposite of you and really love a houseful.

But this YOUR home, keep it the way you like it.

I have been on the opposite end of this and it wasn't pleasant. I didn't know where to sit or what to touch and DS1 was a toddler, it was very stressful. An overly clean home is as uncomfortable to me as a dirty one.

Stand your ground, you don't have to share your space if you don't want to.

What do you do when you need to eat or shower or cook? Do you use your utensils and facilities?
I would echo as othrrs have said reflect on your life maybe seek therapy lifes not just about work or stuff. So what are you trying to block out and avoid?

Dear OP - I'm a little bit worried for you. Of course our homes should be our sanctuary and we shouldn't have to do anything we don't want to there. Its a place of peace and calm - and for you perfection is having it all in order.

Do you live on your own or with a partner? I'm presuming you dont have kids because thy necessarily bring disorder and untidiness, hand marks up the walls, toys strewn about. But their play and chaos is joyfull too and fun. I'm wondering whether your need for order actually means it would be very hard for anyone else - partner or child to truly feel at home in your house and that your preference for everything to be in order is actually a barrier to making friends, developing relationships etc - because that would mean letting your guard down and allowing someone else to physically or metaphorically make things a bit messy.

Maybe you are very happy as you are. But there is more to life than work. Maybe you're family are nagging to come round because they are worried about you shutting yourself off in your perfect 'prison' (not home)?

I live in a slightly chaotic house with two slightly chaotic teens - who make a mess, leave towels on the floor etc. But I'd much prefer all the joy they give me than a tidy house.

I’ve always been very particular about having things be as close to “perfect” as possible, and now that I’ve finally got the place to myself again, being in my house is the closest I’ve come to having that. It’s somewhat similar to purchasing a new phone, I guess. Don’t you want it to be in that fresh-out-of-the-box condition forever? How is this any different?

Are you happy, living this way? I mean, if you are? Good for you.

But it sounds extremely strange to me. I love having friends or family over for supper, it's entertaining and imo one of the best things in life. However, if you genuinely don't want them in your house? Then that is obviously your choice. But if you don't want them there because you can't handle the mess/the changes?

I'm a bit worried abut you, tbh. Changes are a part of life. You can't shut them out.

As for the fresh out of the box part... No, not really. Many of our things were actually already old when we got them. And even when we do buy new things, what's the point of buying new kitchenware when you can't use it? And what's the issue with books having crumpled pages?

I personally can't really wrap my hear adround it.

I'm an introvert and can empathise with needing one's own space but not with prioritising things or the appearance of things above people.
Make one room a sanctuary and take a risk with the rest. Human contact feeds your soul, a sparkling coffee table doesn't and I think you are deluding yourself if you think it does.
You are a private person who doesn't want to be overrun and the people who like / love you will understand that and respect you for it but try to push against this instinct as it doesn't sound healthy.

The thing that makes me sad is thinking of those poor books with crumpled pages being thrown away.

Me too. I think of them more as well loved, rather than crumpled. Did the interior designer ask you to throw them away OP as they did not fit in with their vision for your house?

I hope you at least sent them to a charity shop so that they could be used by someone else, but I fear that they probably just got dumped in landfill.

OP I think maybe your family are just very concerned about you, and this is their way of trying to help.

I rather think you could do with some therapy. It sounds as though you are trying to control your environment a little too much. It's understandable that you want to, everybody does to some extent, but as others have said, books with crumpled pages? That's a step too far in controlling things. Books are there to be handled, read, caressed even! Seriously, I'd look at getting some CBT to help your anxiety levels.

You sound like you have a problem around the level of control you are exerting on your environment, and that this is impacting on your personal relationships with family. I suspect it is also impacting on you - it sounds absolutely exhausting, living in this world of pristine, polished objects that can never really be used for fear of scratching or marking them.

The fact is: no house stays perfect forever. Things get worn and used. Time moves on. You can't stop this from happening by some act of will: ageing occurs. It's perfectly possible to have a very clean and tidy home that looks great, but is actually used. There are acres of middle ground between hovel and surgical cleanliness.

I want visitors to see a comfortable family home, with well worn bits and books that have been read to oblivion - I want to feel and for others to see that we live our lives, have fun and deep down I feel that a life spent on housework and cleaning is really a life wasted

I think that's maybe the other end of the spectrum and also not so healthy. Your home doesn't need to be worn or dirty to look like a home and having a clean house doesn't mean you dedicate your life to it it means you have a cleaner and don't have fun.

I wouldn't want to live in a environment where I couldn't have people round as I needed it to stay pristine, but I also wouldn't want to live in a worn dirty environment either....

It's funny someone mentioned show house because to me, that's probably the greatest compliment I can get with regards to this. I am a bit baffled by the emphasis on having "life" in the house though (had it for a couple of months, wasn't a fan). I have plenty of colleagues/acquaintances at work/post work dinners to talk to, and I'm not fussed if I don't have any friends or people to be around outside of that.

I don't tiptoe around my house either. To me, I know where everything is and how things ought to be done around here, so cooking, exercising, reading etc are all fine.

"Well worn" doesn't mean dirty or unkempt, Bluntness. Just not bandbox fresh and unused.

Flogging, then yes I agree with you on that...

books that have crumpled pages have all been thrown away etc.

Are you imagining people picking out a book, leafing through it and then throwing it away violently in horror because they've come across a crumpled page? Or is that you know it's got a page that isn't perfect and therefore it can't stay?!

I would be getting help if I got to that stage, sorry. (I've got books from other centuries in my bookcases and the newness has definitely worn off. I still value them as something precious.)

GrumpyPotato How big is your house? I find the smaller a place I live in, the more I prefer others not to be in my space.