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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want three or more people stepping into my house?

217 replies

GrumpyPotato · 12/05/2017 03:44

My family have been pestering me for ages trying to get me to schedule a dinner party at my place.

My problem though, is that I feel like their presence will "ruin" my house. Currently, I can honestly say that this place is as perfect as a house can be. Everything is spotless and in the "default" position as placed by my interior designer, there are no scratch marks on glasses or metal surfaces, all my kitchenware are nicely polished, books that have crumpled pages have all been thrown away etc.

I can handle a single visitor at any one time due to ease of monitoring purposes. But a whole group? No way.

AIBU to suggest we host it somewhere else instead? A nice restaurant perhaps?

OP posts:
Ceto · 12/05/2017 11:45

Addley, there's a difference between a tatty book and one with a couple of crumpled pages.

TheWhiteRoseOfYork · 12/05/2017 11:48

I think it comes down to how reciprocal you are OP. Do you accept invites from colleagues/family/acquaintances and happily go to their house, then suggest a restaurant instead (presumably sharing the bill) when it is your turn to host? Or do you not accept any hospitality from others and so do not see the need to offer it yourself?

Because if it is the first scenario then I can understand people thinking 'it is about time she hosted'. If you are unable to do that because of your anxieties about your house then I think you need to explain why and then arrange a meeting in a restaurant and offer to pay for everyone!

Willow2017 · 12/05/2017 11:50

Op do you go to visit family at thier home?
If you do it's only fair you have them at your home. I am sure they won't wreck your house. It's much nicer to chill in a house than somewhere public where you can't discuss personal stuff.

You don't have to have dinner parties just friends or family round for coffee and a chat.

Original poster
GrumpyPotato · 12/05/2017 11:52

Short one because I've got to pop in to a meeting after this.

My parents know but I don't think they necessarily understand it. They do know I love them though, so that counts for something at least. We go on hikes, barbecues (at their place), and I don't like animals at all but recently started going to the pet shelter with them because they absolutely adore dogs and cats!

As for friends I'm still not particularly bothered. If I've got some, great, if not, still great. Been in a couple of relationships too but only one made it to "move in to my house" stage. And as per my previous reply, not a fan.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 12/05/2017 11:56

Your parents are on the banned list?

NancyWake · 12/05/2017 11:58

How you live your life is up to you, but if you actually can't live with someone, and that means the rest of your life alone, surely it would be worth addressing why that is and whether it can be changed.

You don't want to get to be an old lady and realise that you could have got over it and would have liked to have done, but didn't have the courage to try.

Bluntness100 · 12/05/2017 12:06

The OP has already said she spends time with family, friends and work colleagues. She just doesn't do it the way you would. That really REALLY doesn't make her wrong

You've missed the point. This is someone who doesn't want even her parents in her home as she needs it to remain spotless. That's unhealthy. Her parents who she's close to can't visit her as her home needs to remain spotless?

In another new angle Her family are concerned about her not having a social life or friends. So overall I think it's right for people to explain this is not just far from the norm but such an insular existence can be very unhealthy. If she's happy then fine, but if even her parents are concerned then I'd say that we are on the right track.

KurriKurri · 12/05/2017 12:22

I would find living the way you do incredibly stressful - to me my house is a place where all my family are welcome and can drop in any time, eat here any time, stay over any time. (Grubby toddlers and dogs also welcome)

But that's me - each to their own and if you are unhappy with having people in your house then you need to tell them to stop badgering to come round and explain your reasons (so that they don't think it is because you don't like them)

Offer to meet at a restaurant for family dinners.
How do you feel about going into other people's houses that are not as pristine as yours - are you comfortable with that ?

llangennith · 12/05/2017 12:27

If having people round makes you anxious then just say no and meet elsewhere. It wouldn't bother me re mess as I'm not particularly tidy but as an introvert I feel overwhelmed by large groups of talkative people anyway.

HoldBackTheRain · 12/05/2017 12:35

To be honest most of you saying you are exactly like the OP probably don't have to worry about many people wanting to come to your house

Not true - I hid my anxiety very well and only a very few people IRL know that I use to steralize things after friend's babies had been and gone. People coming over filled me with utter panic and dread but I never stopped people coming over. But it wouldn't matter what time they left, I'd be down on my knees cleaning floors, scrubbing the toilet and washing blankets. It was a horrible way to live, and I'm so glad I don't feel like that now to that extent. I've got it under control at the moment. Maybe I'm lucky though, because I think the friends I have and most of my family would understand if it got to me like that again, would't judge and wouldn't drop me like a shitty stick.

Original poster
GrumpyPotato · 12/05/2017 12:45

My parents usually come over one at a time due to scheduling/other commitments so it's alright in my books. On the rare occasions I have both of them here it still falls into the "acceptable" realm because they're in my "we-group" so to speak. I have declined anything involving relatives though, hence the "my parents know but I don't think they necessarily understand it," statement.

OP posts:
ElinorRigby · 12/05/2017 13:03

Can anybody come apart from one parent at a time?

And how long does it take you to put things right after they leave?

Is it okay if they sit tidily? Can they have a drink? Something to eat? Are they allowed to touch objects and pick them up? What about them using the loo...?

high5sportsnutrition · 12/05/2017 18:54

Do you have siblings OP? Can they visit?

I hate people dropping in unannounced I really do, but love having people over if I know in advance. Do get stressed about the state of the house but not to that degree thankfully.

user1471453601 · 12/05/2017 18:58

A pedant relies to opening poster. Your kitchen ware (singular) IS, not ARE polished.

You are welcome

pigsDOfly · 12/05/2017 19:04

Throw away books with crumpled pages?

My books shelves would be empty if I threw away all the books with crumpled pages and less than pristine covers and my life would be poorer.

Obviously your interior decorator thinks books are something to be bought by the yard OP. How sad.

Imbroglio · 12/05/2017 19:42

OP, it's your home. You don't have to have people over if it causes you stress.

MrsPeelyWaly · 12/05/2017 19:52

Obviously your interior decorator thinks books are something to be bought by the yard OP. How sad

You are being ridiculous.

motherinferior · 12/05/2017 20:16

Why ridiculous? Books are for reading. And re-reading.

MrsPeelyWaly · 12/05/2017 20:19

Why ridiculous? Books are for reading. And re-reading

One reading can also hit the right spot.

And yes, I do re-read books but it doesnt mean to say that others who don't are lacking.

Ceto · 12/05/2017 20:25

A bookshelf full of obviously well-loved and read books is way more attractive that a shelf of books so pristine that it looks as if they've never been opened.

SenseiWoo · 12/05/2017 20:26

People are concetraing on the fact that your needs and preferences are unusual, which they are. I think you were posting about the fact that your needs and preferences are being ignored, or discounted, by relatives who keep trying to get you to host dinner parties etc.

The only way to solve this is probably to be frank, even blunt. Tell them plainly that you are happy as you are and really do not want more than two people in your house ever.

motherinferior · 12/05/2017 20:31

Actually I do think it's a bit odd never to re-read a book.

Eolian · 12/05/2017 20:32

Whenever I read about people who have to have everything in their house immaculate, I always wonder how they would have coped in bygone times when they'd have been living cheek by jowl with livestock and no antibacterial spray. It just seems strange that so many humans have developed a need to live in such a weirdly ordered and sterile environment. I don't think it's at all healthy, personally - either mentally or physically.

Trills · 12/05/2017 20:38

@user1471453601 It seems you have (rightfully) fallen foul of Muphry's Law.

Info on namechanging is here if you'd like to pick a real name

AnxiousMunchkin · 12/05/2017 20:47

Probably would have found something else to obsess over to express the anxiety we feel. Stacking the wood pile according to log type or weaving the cloth in a very particular way. Hanging the cooking pots in a certain order and not wanting other people to touch them. Worrying that if the Gods are not appeased in a very particular way then their loved ones may not come back from battle (oh wait.... that seems perfectly acceptable in context.... it's the same magical thinking though).

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