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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want three or more people stepping into my house?

217 replies

GrumpyPotato · 12/05/2017 03:44

My family have been pestering me for ages trying to get me to schedule a dinner party at my place.

My problem though, is that I feel like their presence will "ruin" my house. Currently, I can honestly say that this place is as perfect as a house can be. Everything is spotless and in the "default" position as placed by my interior designer, there are no scratch marks on glasses or metal surfaces, all my kitchenware are nicely polished, books that have crumpled pages have all been thrown away etc.

I can handle a single visitor at any one time due to ease of monitoring purposes. But a whole group? No way.

AIBU to suggest we host it somewhere else instead? A nice restaurant perhaps?

OP posts:
Haudyerwheesht · 12/05/2017 08:44

Tbh I feel the same. I just don't let people know where I live. Solves all issues.

Bluntness100 · 12/05/2017 08:45

Don’t you want it to be in that fresh-out-of-the-box condition forever

Ehrm, no. I don't. 🤔

It's a shame you can't enjoy your home with others, that the need for perfection takes over your need to enjoy it with your family or friends. No one ever says on their death bed, well I had a perfect house.

I'd maybe suggest some councilling as your attitude isn't healthy. That doesn't mean others don't suffer from it too, but simply your need for perfection in your living environment is indicative of some mental health issues.

Somerville · 12/05/2017 08:45

If you don't want people round then don't have people round.

For most people with beautiful homes, though, part of the pleasure seems to be showing them off.

Lulooo · 12/05/2017 08:49

Homes are for living in. Not showcases. Part of the enjoyment of living means interacting and socialising with those near and dear to you.

It really depends how much you like these people. If they're you're friends or family then you need to overcome what you're feeling. If they're some distant random relative or whatnot then make an excuse and get out of it if you really don't want to host them.

Trills · 12/05/2017 08:49

Do you live alone?

HeyHoThereYouGo657 · 12/05/2017 08:50

Default position by your interior designer ?

Cannot help in any way , your world is nothing like mine.

Hmm
TheWhiteRoseOfYork · 12/05/2017 08:51

Do you meet your family at their houses though? Or at restaurants? Or do you never actually see them? It is of course up to you if you want to focus all your attention on your work and your perfect house but maybe your family are worried that you will retreat in to yourself and then not know how to come out again? Or that you will be lonely? Maybe they love you and want to see you ? You just seem very detached from people in your post. Ask yourself in 10 years time will you still be happy with your perfect house & job? Because if you push your family away now (and 'monitoring' guests when they come round is not exactly welcoming them is it?) they may not be around for you later if you decide you do want to see them

BarbarianMum · 12/05/2017 08:51

Just tell them you don't want them messing up your house. Then your house won't be messed up and you'll not need to pay for a meal.

Or just come clean and tell them you have some fairly significant mental health problems that make it impossible.

User11145755 · 12/05/2017 08:53

I feel exactly the same, to the point of no longer speaking to a family member after a falling out about him bringing his toddler round, I couldn't bear sticky hands touching the walls, my coffee table etc
I don't like other people in general and I hate them in my home.
I try and meet at other people's houses or restaurants, it might seem rude to people who don't understand, but it's probably a mental health issue for me.

Qtipsrsweet · 12/05/2017 08:54

I'm exactly the same. We have moved abroad recently and everything has its place and is spotless. I even clean after the cleaner has been and make sure everything's back where it should be. She's here now and I'm trying so hard to stay out of her way cause I'm more of a hindrance trying to clear up behind her. It's a second home abroad as my other half works in this country and I will be going back to U.K. home next week for a fortnight. Already fretting about the state of that house.
I'm panicking already about the summer holidays when my partners children come to stay. I won't be here and I just know that the place will be disrupted during their visit, and positive things will be moved around. Have a wonderful man who loves the order aswell, but he's not as OCD as me.
I'm being totally over the top and definitely OCD but I just feel calmer when the house is tidy.
YNBU
X

Screwinthetuna · 12/05/2017 08:55

I haven't read the whole thread but it sounds like you have mental health issues and your mum thinks she's helping you.
I'm sure you know deep down that having that 'perfect house' isn't normal behaviour but making you very uncomfortable will not help.

I would steer gradually; ask one person round and then 2 and so forth. I hope you deal with any issues you are having (sorry if this is discussed previously)

user1471506380 · 12/05/2017 08:55

I don't like people coming to my house either. I don't have OCD but am an introvert and find social interaction where you can't get away stressful. I think going out instead is fine OP.

NellieFiveBellies · 12/05/2017 08:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

elevenclips · 12/05/2017 08:58

It's your home and your sanctuary and if you don't feel comfortable with several people in it, then you don't have to do that.

I'd simply say that you won't be having a dinner party as you only like having visitors one at a time. Leave it at that. Suggest a restaurant instead.

Bluntness100 · 12/05/2017 08:59

probably a mental health issue for me

I'm sorry, but there is no "probably" about it. To fall out with a family member because they brought a toddler round is very sad, to not like other people and hate them in your home is really concerning.

Are you getting any help, or are you content to live like this?

Fidoandacupoftea · 12/05/2017 08:59

I can sympathise. I have lovely nephews and nieces but dread holiday visits, especially the little ones wandering around upstairs with crisp packets and biscuits. It is great fun having the extended family around but I do look forward to the big tidy up post visit.

FlossyMooToo · 12/05/2017 09:01

I feel for those who live like this. I cannot imagine what it is like to not enjoy your home and see it as a clinical space. Then again OP you say you are happy living this way so I should not judge.

FrenchMartiniTime · 12/05/2017 09:02

What a depressing way to live

Sorry OP but I think you have issues...

NellieFiveBellies · 12/05/2017 09:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CabbagePatchKid91 · 12/05/2017 09:04

Could you confine them to one room? Give them a little tour of the house as you must be very proud of it (I'm not being sarcastic here. I have spent lots of time decorating my house recently and love showing it off) and then spend the rest of the evening in the dining room?

User11145755 · 12/05/2017 09:05

We fell out because they wanted to come around every day, once a week was about my limit, I tried cutting the visits down and they got funny about it and decided to cut me out of their life.
I've been bullied, abused, used and messed around by people my whole life, I'm happiest alone, it probably is a mental health issue but I'm happy as I am now, I don't feel like I need help.
I can understand the op point of view, I don't see the harm in meeting in a restaurant, some one popped round my house the other night and didn't take their shoes off I was raging on the inside!!!

BluePeppers · 12/05/2017 09:05

I hear you OP
It sounds like your house is your safe heaven and to be like this, it needs to be exactly right.
I would read that also as having very high anxiety levels.

Re family, I would imagine they know yu and how important your house is. Somthey should unde if you propose a restaurant (even though if they ave pushed for your house, i susoectbthats where they would expect to be).
And I would look at anxiety and how to deal with it.
Serioulsy, being able to be more relaxed around your own house will make you feel better

LaLegue · 12/05/2017 09:05

To be honest most of you saying you are exactly like the OP probably don't have to worry about many people wanting to come to your house.

It's absolutely awful being in an environment where you know the host has you there under sufferance, you are on eggshells the whole time, terrified about where/how to sit, what you can/can't do or touch.

It's even worse if you have children with you and you know they are being watched and shadowed constantly, you are made to feel unwelcome and uncomfortable every second you are there.

I don't imagine many of you have loads of friends clamouring to come anyway.

User11145755 · 12/05/2017 09:08

Bluepeppers you have hit the nail on the head, my home is my safe place, my sanctuary from the world, it's just how I like it and I don't want people invading my space

Bluntness100 · 12/05/2017 09:10

It's not about whether meeting in a restaurant is fine or not, of course it is. The issue is she has a need to control her environment and live in an environment as close to perfect as she can, that she monitors anyone entering her home and doesn't want more than one person in at a time. This isn't healthy or normal. It's a very sad way to live your life where you can't host dinner parties or have guests because of your need for perfection.

If something gets scratched, dirty broken, what's the issue, it can be cleaned, repaired, replaced. Is there really any joy sitting in a cold and perfect show home all by yourself, where not more than one person can enter st a time and when they do they need to be monitored?

The op doesn't live in a home. She lives in a house.

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