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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School yard mum and school runs

225 replies

rainbowsandglitterandshit · 10/05/2017 18:53

I have no idea what my question even is, but i don't know if I am just bad tempered or what. So here is the story:

About 6 weeks ago one of the
mums from the playground had a baby. She had no one as a birthing partner and asked me last minute, I went to the hospital and was there while she gave birth. Lovely experience and was so pleased I went. Took her some bits she needed whilst in hospital and took her 2 other DCs for the night when she got home so she could settle.

Since then I have had daily texts. I have done the school run every day for her. Then I get a text asking to do the pick up. So I agree. Then another asking if I could possibly have them for tea because she is just so tired. Hmmm, wellll okay then. Then weekends would I take both kids and the newborn whilst she rests. This has been for the last 4 of 6 weeks.

I work full time, albeit my boss gives me great flexibility and I make my own appts so it has been do-able, but I feel like now is the time to stop. In summer me and the kids walk to school, and when i mentioned this today she was genuinely offended and said 'oh what will i do now? can you still take them?'

I live a 25 minute walk from school but in the opposite direction she does. The after school pick ups are becoming a nightmare when i deal with 5 kida instead of my 3 and weekends are chaos when I am taking a newborn with us. Plus we can't go in the car because of how many kids I'm taking.

I really want to help her but all this plus work means I'm absolutely shattered, no way can i do an extra half hour round trip to walk her kids to school, and I can't carry on the nightly after school thing or every weekend with all 3 of her kids.

So WIBU to just tell her I can't? or am i a shitty friend and should just grin and bare it?

OP posts:
NellieFiveBellies · 10/05/2017 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/05/2017 20:28

Bloody hell, you have been so kind, and she is taking the piss, her children, her responsibility. Start saying no to her.

Original poster
rainbowsandglitterandshit · 10/05/2017 20:28

My DCs nanny is on part time now with just DC3, but he starts school in sept aswell so will then just be me and the kids. Nanny is like superwoman, but just cannot reason with having her as much these days.

OP posts:
WanderingTrolley1 · 10/05/2017 20:29

Blimey.

This setup is madness.

IdaDown · 10/05/2017 20:35

It's the kids. We always get sucked in because we feel bad for the kids.

How are the DC generally - before the newborn?

Original poster
rainbowsandglitterandshit · 10/05/2017 20:36

They seemed happy but would still be eating toast in playground before school, little things. I didn't really know her so can't really say.

OP posts:
WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 10/05/2017 20:38

You can't go on like this.

Offer to pick them up and give them tea once a week. Maybe one weekend a month too.

Justalittlelemondrizzle · 10/05/2017 20:43

Yanbu! I can't believe she is asking you to look after a newborn baby! Either she's taking the piss or she may be suffering with PND. You might be able to find out which by her reaction when you tell her you can't help her like you have been any longer.

UnicornSparkles1 · 10/05/2017 20:46

YANBU. You are however enabling her, which isn't helping anyone. She either needs some professional help or she needs to get up off her backside and look after her own kids. Neither of which will happen while she has free childcare from you.

Designerenvy · 10/05/2017 20:52

I think it's very strange that she asked a relative stranger to be her birth partner tbh.
I personally think she's taking the piss now ! You've a busy work and home life. You need to prioritise you're home. I'd be upfront but gentle but she needs to know you are not her babysitter/ childminder/ partner. Even if she does have PND she can't rely on you so much. She needs help from professionals .

DoIDontIhavethetalk · 10/05/2017 20:57

Sorry, rainbows, I missed that question.

CricketRuntAndRashers · 10/05/2017 20:59

I don't feel I know her well enough, I had probably had 4 conversations in the playground when she asked me to be her birthing partner.

So, she basically asked a stranger (well, more or less...) to be her birthing partner Shock? I think she has boundary issues and/or is using you.
yes, she must be taking the piss or be in serious trouble.

Either way... this is not your responsibility. And enabling her (whether it's just using you or using you to cope...) isn't helping you or her!

timeisnotaline · 10/05/2017 21:07

I agree with the distancing of it's just that she thinks this is acceptable to ask of you, but you do have to check how she is coping and refer it to hv / gp and teachers if not, you can't risk just not checking.

TheDowagerCuntess · 10/05/2017 21:09

Gosh, I was tying to give her the benefit of the doubt, but maybe you guys are right, and it is just piss-taking.

I know I'd never have the brass neck to expect such favours, but on the other hand she must really be struggling (who wouldn't be) and it would hardly be surprising if there wasn't some sort of PND to factor in.

As I said though, what's she's asking of you is causing you to not be able to cope, so it's become untenable.

bloodymaria · 10/05/2017 21:12

This is one of the craziest things I've ever read on here! OP I hope you find a way to redress the balance and establish some boundaries, I'm sure you know that this is untenable and unfair on your own family.

Hannahbanana1725 · 10/05/2017 21:13

The next thing she'll ask is for you to leave your husband for her Hmm
No but seriously, she's taking the piss, yanbu.

katkitkat · 10/05/2017 21:18

She is taking the piss and you are being a doormat tbh.

Of course she may have PND or some other health problem, but she needs to address that for her own and her children's sake.

You need to put your big girl pants on and tell her straight, it all needs to stop. No more sleep overs, no more tea every night, no more carting her newborn baby around like a bloody nanny.

She needs to talk responsibility for her own children.

CountessYgritte · 10/05/2017 21:22

I would be worried about the baby and attachment disorder. The amount she has asked you to have her newborn is staggering. At around5 weeks a friend recognised I was very quickly plunging into PND. She took my two kids for one day to give me a break. It was such an amazing thing to do. However I think that had I palmed my kids off on someone like she had, I would never had sought help. I could have staggered through.

Is she really depressed or actually lazy? It is very unusual to ask an acquaintance to have a newborn so often. Does she seem depressed? What is she actually doing on these weekends?

I wish wish wish someob occasionally had taken dc2 for an afternoon so I could sleep in the early weeks. But dc1 was disabled, DH talking about leaving and dc2 very unwell. The conditions were very challenging. Having to keep it together forced me to get help.

She sounds like a piss taking chancer to me. And I had PND both times.

I would subtly let people know how much you are doing because if she is angry when you tell her you can't take her kids so much, my guess is she will bad mouth you to all and sundry to make you feel guilty.

Do you know who her HV is? Could you speak to the school about your concerns. She may already be known to SS

AlternativeTentacle · 10/05/2017 22:00

OP you have practically adopted them.

You need to protect yourself and put your foot down.

RebootYourEngine · 10/05/2017 22:17

Do you know what she does when you have the dc?

kissmethere · 10/05/2017 22:27

She is taking the piss! Totally! She can't cope or doesn't want to cope and is using you. I know you feel for the kids but you're her substitute OH. Either get her to reign in other help or be less available to her.
I'd be talking to the school as well with regards to the kids welfare.

Jux · 10/05/2017 23:02

She might not become annoyed, though. You won't know until you tell her. And you must tell her, not least because your children are missing out on fun stuff.

As your dd is friiends with one of hers, tell her you can have that one oe or twice a week after school, but you can't have them all, and you really can't have them at weekends for the time when proper arrangements are made.

If she does get annoyed then you'll know you've done the right thing.

emmyrose2000 · 11/05/2017 05:10

Half term is another concern, I am actually considering paying for her 2 older DCs to attend playscheme with my 2 youngest

Please don't. She's a user and at this stage you're enabling her. You're basically filling the husband role at the moment, which is ridiculous.

Anyone who would palm off their newborn like this needs help beyond what you can offer. I guarantee that as soon as you stop enabling her she'll find someone else to leach off.

elkegel · 11/05/2017 05:18

How do you work "full time" but also take kids to and from school and look after 5 children after school? Confused

SnugglyBedSocks · 11/05/2017 05:45

I find it very strange that you would be a birthing partner and do all this for someone you barely know.

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