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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School yard mum and school runs

225 replies

rainbowsandglitterandshit · 10/05/2017 18:53

I have no idea what my question even is, but i don't know if I am just bad tempered or what. So here is the story:

About 6 weeks ago one of the
mums from the playground had a baby. She had no one as a birthing partner and asked me last minute, I went to the hospital and was there while she gave birth. Lovely experience and was so pleased I went. Took her some bits she needed whilst in hospital and took her 2 other DCs for the night when she got home so she could settle.

Since then I have had daily texts. I have done the school run every day for her. Then I get a text asking to do the pick up. So I agree. Then another asking if I could possibly have them for tea because she is just so tired. Hmmm, wellll okay then. Then weekends would I take both kids and the newborn whilst she rests. This has been for the last 4 of 6 weeks.

I work full time, albeit my boss gives me great flexibility and I make my own appts so it has been do-able, but I feel like now is the time to stop. In summer me and the kids walk to school, and when i mentioned this today she was genuinely offended and said 'oh what will i do now? can you still take them?'

I live a 25 minute walk from school but in the opposite direction she does. The after school pick ups are becoming a nightmare when i deal with 5 kida instead of my 3 and weekends are chaos when I am taking a newborn with us. Plus we can't go in the car because of how many kids I'm taking.

I really want to help her but all this plus work means I'm absolutely shattered, no way can i do an extra half hour round trip to walk her kids to school, and I can't carry on the nightly after school thing or every weekend with all 3 of her kids.

So WIBU to just tell her I can't? or am i a shitty friend and should just grin and bare it?

OP posts:
Original poster
rainbowsandglitterandshit · 10/05/2017 19:51

Yes free lunch etc. And exactly. Up until 6 weeks ago my kids had me to themselves, I still did sone work from home but when they were in bed. We used to mid week bowl, swim, park, drive to the beach. Now its just me stressed and trying to fit my work in and doing drop offs for these other kids.

OP posts:
Atenco · 10/05/2017 19:51

I just do not know how to broach the subject without her becoming annoyed

Really! That says so much about her right there. I'm afraid I too think she has used up everyone else in her life, which is so sad for her and her children, but this is not going to end well.

3luckystars · 10/05/2017 19:53

Just say no every second time for a week or two. Write out a list of excuses so you have them ready when she asks, you have plenty of excuses.

I'm too tired today
Work
I have an appointment with one of the children
We are going to visit a relative
Walking to school is perfect too, do that.

Just start saying no every second time, then wean her off your support gradually because this cannot continue.
She has her own family and none of this is your problem. I know you are nice but you need to be nice to your own children first.

HamletsSister · 10/05/2017 19:53

Can you cut down slowly, to help her get used to it? Begin with no more Mondays and weekends, then add in another day etc?

MadeForThis · 10/05/2017 19:53

I remember your thread about being her birth partner. It ended so well after you were so happy to have helped.
It seems like she is now treating you like a DP and expecting you to share the parenting.

I agree that she sounds like she needs help. But it's not your responsibility.
If you feel comfortable why not have a chat with her about how she needs to take a step back and see if she has any other support.
Where are her family and friends? Health visitor?
If your plans are to walk to school don't change that.
Maybe one night a week and a weekend a month. Planned in advance so you both know when she is getting a break.

Good luck. You have been an amazing support to her.

pestov · 10/05/2017 19:55

This is outrageous. I'd be beyond health visitor and considering social services at this point. They will give her the support she requires.

OP think about your own children first - what memories do you want them to have from the next few years? They see these kids more often than many children see their own siblings

CherryMintVanilla · 10/05/2017 19:57

Sorry but this doesn't sound like 'not coping' to me. It sounds like she's fully aware she's got someone on the hook! She probably has no-one because she burnt through all her previous friendships. Some people just do that - take, take, take, then they're surprised and pissed off when the friend finally gets tired of being taken advantage of and says no.

Recommend Homestart to her. And if you want to help, that's wonderful - but it shouldn't be a case of removing stress from her life by adding it to yours! Only do what you genuinely want to do and no more.

FurryLittleTwerp · 10/05/2017 19:59

Agree Cherry - she knows just how to pull the strings

Whereismumhiding2 · 10/05/2017 20:00

If you want her DD over after school once a week for your DD2 with autism then offer that, when convenient for you depending on your other commitments Not the whole family! Who asks that?! I wouldn't dream of asking that of even a close friend, though I couldn't walk far (disabled) and getting to school was a major deal each day, I did it (driving) as they are my 3 DCs, my responsibility. My friends offered and I thanked them, repaid their kindness and did not rely on them.

You don't even live close!! They aren't a pick up on the way, walk with us to school. Relaxed walks to school with mum /dad are fun times for your DC and why are you letting her demands deprive you of precious memories for your DC.

BitchPeas · 10/05/2017 20:00

Does the school have a safeguarding or a home school link worker? Talk to them then call the health visitor. It's not fair on any of the children involved or you.

Rainydayzandmondays13 · 10/05/2017 20:03

YANBU you've been a great friend but enough is enough.
Either she's someone who can't keep her legs closed and can't deal with the consequences or she can't cope with the DC and social services need to be involved. Either way her DC aren't your responsibility.
It's the kids (especially the newborn) who I feel sorry for

Lunar1 · 10/05/2017 20:03

I'd give her a weeks notice that you won't be able to carry on like this, and probably offer to have them for tea one night a week.

Whereismumhiding2 · 10/05/2017 20:04

My friend offered for one DD that was in their DDs class anyway and all had fun walking together occasionally as I couldn't walk my youngest. And I paid her back in kind (playdates, gifts). That's normal level of favours with friends you know well!!

TheEmmaDilemma · 10/05/2017 20:09

@KingJoffreysRestingCuntface

I'd have buried my phone in the garden half way through week 2.

Just that.

Fruitcorner123 · 10/05/2017 20:12

I think you need to have a really open and honest conversation. Explain that you feel you need more time with your children and that you are concerned she is not coping. Offer the support you are prepared to give and then ask her what would help her to cope on her own does she need to speak to the health visitor about her mental health? Would she like you to come with you etc. Be firm about your time though, your evenings with your children are precious especially as you work full time.

barrygetamoveonplease · 10/05/2017 20:14

Is your nanny helping out with the childcare, rainbows?
Not that it matters. If this is an accurate representation, you are still being taken for a ride.

NorksAkimbo72 · 10/05/2017 20:16

Wow, OP...I don't think I would do this mich for a close friend, let alone an aquaintance (and not one of my friends would ever ask!). She is using you. I know that things happen, but she chose to have 3 babies, and she needs to raise them herself, and get appropriate help for them if she needs it. Don't enable her to keep ignoring her parental responsibilities...it's not fair on anyone involved in this!

Whereismumhiding2 · 10/05/2017 20:17

I took so long to type my posts each time that it's moved on with your new posts OP!

You sound so kind but you are being taken advantage of big time at huge fun memories & cost of peace of mind to you and your DC. You are unneccesarily stressed and your DC are missing out on their usual fun stuff like midweek bowls, trips out and other stuff woth mummy as you are caring for all her children (more than even a grandparent would!). She's not family, these are not your nieces and nephews.

You have your own large family! The odd playdate to help out is fine (not all 4 though!). Why would you think of paying for childcare in holidays for her DC???? That's her job to arrange and arrange By all means say when DC will be at whatever holiday or weekend club, so they can play together if she wants, but share drop off and pick ups if you must, but only if it is fairly reciprocal.

Anyone that guilts you or makes you feel responsible for her responsibilities (DC) or scared to say no, as she might get annoyed, is not a friend!!

MargotLovedTom1 · 10/05/2017 20:18

Nanny?

Mothervulva · 10/05/2017 20:21

You've been very, very kind. But you know you can't go on. You've been very supportive, but she needs to get on with her life now as it is. You could offer to continue some sort of support if you're genuinely ok with that. But remember, she has no power over you.

Theresnonamesleft · 10/05/2017 20:22

Favors are occasional not 6 days a week. Between you and the school she is the one that sees them less.
Yes parenting is hard. Yes it's hard when you have multiple children and a single parent, but you have to either suck it up and deal with it, or pass full care to someone else.

As for paying for holiday scheme. Don't. After that week it's 7 weeks roughly until the summer holidays. You going to pay then as well, take her kids on holiday with you. Let your D.C. Miss out on things because of this madness? Of course not.

If she gets pissed off what the problem? Just shows you she ain't a friend.

Yes I understand you was a sp at 15. But you dealt with your situation. This is a grown ass woman who needs to step up and stop being a leech.

If you don't fancy telling her no more. Tell her awesome, now baby is a bit older we can alternate. She can do the school runs and Saturday all day for the next 3 weeks. Then it will go to weekly for both.

DoIDontIhavethetalk · 10/05/2017 20:24

She's taking advantage yes, however, I don't see what the relevance is to her having 3 children to 3 different fathers...

Original poster
rainbowsandglitterandshit · 10/05/2017 20:26

There isn't one, I have 3 DCs by 3 fathers, someone asked where the fathere were.

OP posts:
ifcatscouldtalk · 10/05/2017 20:26

Your family need to come first. Don't go on a massive guilt trip. Tell her " I cannot cope having your kids all the time, I have my own family plus work and I feel you are taking advantage of my good nature."
She won't like it and she'll try to make you feel awful about it.
This isn't a friendship.
As for pnd, yes it's possible but speaking as someone who suffered terribly with pnd and was extremely anxious when my baby wasn't with me, I would say I'm not convinced that's her issue.
Speak to the school and point her in the direction of the health visitor.
I clearly remember a mum at dd's old school who would go from one mum friend to another then another. They'd all "help" her out until they were run into the ground and she'd cop the hump as soon as they'd cottoned on to her ways.
Maybe I am barking up the wrong tree but seriously point her in the right direction for help/ advice and look after your own family.

JustMe2000 · 10/05/2017 20:26

Is this serious?!?! ShockShockShock you're playing her husband for her, and the more you do it the more she'll want from you, I'm afraid...take action

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