School yard mum and school runs

[rainbowsandglitterandshit]

I have no idea what my question even is, but i don't know if I am just bad tempered or what. So here is the story:

About 6 weeks ago one of the
mums from the playground had a baby. She had no one as a birthing partner and asked me last minute, I went to the hospital and was there while she gave birth. Lovely experience and was so pleased I went. Took her some bits she needed whilst in hospital and took her 2 other DCs for the night when she got home so she could settle.

Since then I have had daily texts. I have done the school run every day for her. Then I get a text asking to do the pick up. So I agree. Then another asking if I could possibly have them for tea because she is just so tired. Hmmm, wellll okay then. Then weekends would I take both kids and the newborn whilst she rests. This has been for the last 4 of 6 weeks.

I work full time, albeit my boss gives me great flexibility and I make my own appts so it has been do-able, but I feel like now is the time to stop. In summer me and the kids walk to school, and when i mentioned this today she was genuinely offended and said 'oh what will i do now? can you still take them?'

I live a 25 minute walk from school but in the opposite direction she does. The after school pick ups are becoming a nightmare when i deal with 5 kida instead of my 3 and weekends are chaos when I am taking a newborn with us. Plus we can't go in the car because of how many kids I'm taking.

I really want to help her but all this plus work means I'm absolutely shattered, no way can i do an extra half hour round trip to walk her kids to school, and I can't carry on the nightly after school thing or every weekend with all 3 of her kids.

So WIBU to just tell her I can't? or am i a shitty friend and should just grin and bare it?

The baby is six weeks old, and you've had them 4/6 weekends????
I think a call to social services for support for her is in need.

She is clearly not coping and will never learn to cope if she refuses to try by palming them off on you all the time. You sound like such a lovely person OP, but your first priority is your family and work. If you really think she can't manage without you then you need to tell her to get some help/get the help for her and then step WAY back.

Explain it by saying you're behind on your paid work, your DH needs down time when he's at home and you're not able to cope with having so many kids for so many hours.

Mention HomeStart as the pp kindly provided a link.

Like I said earlier, I was a single mum at 15, and it was so hard. I would never want anyone to feel like that. And yes, baby was born on the Tuesday and I first had her the Saturday after, so every weekend from about 12 days old-ish.

Yes talk to her, say there's only so long you can flex work this much and you've used up all goodwill at work or something. You need to cut it right back to 2 pickups a week, or whatever you are prepared to do, then cut it off completely in a month or so perhaps. Then stick to it.

Bear in mind that there is half term and hols coming up and your friend needs to get used to 3 for a few hours a day before the schools break up - school term is the easy bit. She needs to talk to HVs if she is not coping.

You have been very kind but this is taking the mickey out of you now.
You are not her childcare, pls start establishing boundaries for your own sake.

I think there is a reason why she had to ask a virtual stranger to be her birth partner - she must have got through everyone else by then!

Tell her that you are not able to help her out any more and you are worried by the huge amount of support she seems to need, and tell her that you are going to contact thehealth visitor team to see if they can help her. And do it.

Don't let her guilt you - anyone that can ask so much of someone and not be bothered by it has problems and either needs help or a kick up the arse - neither of which are your responsibility.

Half term is another concern, I am actually considering paying for her 2 older DCs to attend playscheme with my 2 youngest.

Definitely need to put limits on what you are prepared to offer. If she has you help max two evenings after school and a weekend once a month, it's a lot more than many. Her children aren't your responsibility and I can't believe you've even taken the newborn. Is she ill or something? Don't feel bad for the children, you have your own life and if she's not coping, she needs to sort this out. She chose to have more despite knowing it would be tough and another child with another man, who seemingly turned out to be just as much of an arse as the first two.

Unless and until someone makes her stand on her own two feet, she'll likely have another baby with another man and expect everyone to rally round again. Perhaps think that you are being cruel to be kind to teach her this type of thinking and behaviour is unacceptable.

Jesus no, do not do that OP!

What? Why?

OMG!! This is so beyond normal boundaries, you aren't family nor a close friend, you hardly know her and she's dumping her child and newborn on you daily or even weekly!

Say NO I can't do this anymore, I've helped you but this is not reasonable to ask me anymore, I barely know you. You have your own 3 DC to look after and you've done weeks of your good deed. She might have PND. It's not your role to have her baby and child.

Ring her GP surgery and tell HV OR walk into school and tell deputy or head teacher and they will contact HV to check on her as they'll know which GP surgery. Ask them to keep your name out of it, but frankly I wouldn't care at this point. She might be monumentally taking the pee and is a user, but I wouldn't take the risk with a newborn. She could have severe PND or be injured from labour & not coping generally, all of which needs proper professional support from the right services. Don't mask it by continuing.

"Friend, we are going to start walking to and from school, so won't be able to do the school run anymore"
If she messages or asks you to have them at the weekend, say you have plans, start saying no. She is an adult who makes choices, you have no rspinsiblity.
If she whinges she had no support, tell her to contact her hv for a referral for some.

I feel like she obviously isn't coping and maybe that would be something, but then on the other side this can't go on forever.

Is she leaving her house for other things and just too lazy to pick up her kids?

I also must add DD2 is autistic, she struggles with friendships and having the child who is in her class here has definately made a difference to my DD making friends and fitting in, which is also pulling me towards having the children.

She's never going to cope if you keep doing it for her. Stop, call health visitor, and be prepared to lose her as a 'friend'.

You really shouldn't pay for her DC to attend a play scheme. If need be, tell her that is where your DC are going and she can arrange/pay for it herself if she wants to.

Would second the Home Start suggestion if you have one near you (I volunteer for them). She would get a couple of hours help a week, to do things of her choice (not ironing, housework etc though!). So maybe pick the DC up from school and do their homework with them. Look after the baby whilst mum has a nap etc. Your friend can either self refer, or be referred by her health visitor.

Sorry I've mixed up number of DC you and she has. Please stop though and say no.

She's not going to learn to cope if you keep taking kids either.

As harsh as this sounds she should have thought about whether she could cope with a baby befire she had one.

And while they are making it to school with you then as far she will be concerned she's coping as they are where they need to be.

Not your responsibility

I have 3, 13, 5 and 3. she has 3, 5, 3 and newborn.

And who is giving your children love and attention whilst you're working and then running around after this woman and her kids, rainbowsandglitterandshit?

I don't cope terribly well. I have ME/CFS. But I don't go guilting everyone into taking my dd. I do what I can and for the rest, we get by. If they have to live on sandwiches, eggs or nuggets for tea for the next 6 months so be it. The children I imagine get free school lunch so she doesn't even need to bother to cook if it's too hard.

This is absolutely outrageous OP.

I just read the bit about your dd2 being autistic. Surely your dd could get a good level of friendship 2 evenings a week. I think it's a balance also for all your children. I'd be very careful how you broach this as you don't want to get on the woman's wrong side and her end up bullying your dd through hers.