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AIBU?

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Original poster

School yard mum and school runs

225 replies

rainbowsandglitterandshit · 10/05/2017 18:53

I have no idea what my question even is, but i don't know if I am just bad tempered or what. So here is the story:

About 6 weeks ago one of the
mums from the playground had a baby. She had no one as a birthing partner and asked me last minute, I went to the hospital and was there while she gave birth. Lovely experience and was so pleased I went. Took her some bits she needed whilst in hospital and took her 2 other DCs for the night when she got home so she could settle.

Since then I have had daily texts. I have done the school run every day for her. Then I get a text asking to do the pick up. So I agree. Then another asking if I could possibly have them for tea because she is just so tired. Hmmm, wellll okay then. Then weekends would I take both kids and the newborn whilst she rests. This has been for the last 4 of 6 weeks.

I work full time, albeit my boss gives me great flexibility and I make my own appts so it has been do-able, but I feel like now is the time to stop. In summer me and the kids walk to school, and when i mentioned this today she was genuinely offended and said 'oh what will i do now? can you still take them?'

I live a 25 minute walk from school but in the opposite direction she does. The after school pick ups are becoming a nightmare when i deal with 5 kida instead of my 3 and weekends are chaos when I am taking a newborn with us. Plus we can't go in the car because of how many kids I'm taking.

I really want to help her but all this plus work means I'm absolutely shattered, no way can i do an extra half hour round trip to walk her kids to school, and I can't carry on the nightly after school thing or every weekend with all 3 of her kids.

So WIBU to just tell her I can't? or am i a shitty friend and should just grin and bare it?

OP posts:
Original poster
rainbowsandglitterandshit · 10/05/2017 19:15

I have no issues with telling her, I am just worried that she needs the help and has no one else and maybe I am a shitty person for not helping, although it is making work increasingly difficult because I see clients at work and do my paperwork at home, which is becoming impossible at the minute.

OP posts:
Original poster
rainbowsandglitterandshit · 10/05/2017 19:17

And yes, tea 5 days a week aftee school, dinner and tea every Saturday.

OP posts:
BlahBlahBlahEtc · 10/05/2017 19:17

I don't feel I know her well enough, I had probably had 4 conversations in the playground when she asked me to be her birthing partner

I'm actually Shock at this. It was bad enough when I thought you two were friends, worse now I know this and worse still that she trusts all the kids with you when she doesn't even really know you just so she can "rest".

Original poster
rainbowsandglitterandshit · 10/05/2017 19:18

agent sorry I am clueless, what is homestart? could they help?

OP posts:
MargotLovedTom1 · 10/05/2017 19:19

How can she be narked if you're going to start walking to school, when you're already walking to school with all the children because you can't fit them all in the car?

Gileswithachainsaw · 10/05/2017 19:19

Good grief you have been so kind and amazing of course you can say no now.

As a pp said unless there's some medical issue she's not telling you about she should be able to cope now. God most if us didn't have people like you to do things for so long. 2 weeks of paternity leave and back to reality and that's if your lucky.

Original poster
rainbowsandglitterandshit · 10/05/2017 19:20

blahblah I was shocked, I was seriously in 2 minds but she was alone and I wouldn't want that for anyone. We aren't friends, but acquaintences.

OP posts:
KC225 · 10/05/2017 19:20

I think you need to establish some boundaries now because the level of request will only increase. You have helped her above and beyond. If her older children are of school age, she needs to get into a routine for her own sake and theirs. Working and having your own family means your time is precious. Be understanding but firm don't let it escalate into a showdown where you are forced.to drop her completely.

Does she really not have any contact with the children's Fathers? Could are not try and establish some form contact if only for an extra pair of hands. What about her family and friends?

Original poster
rainbowsandglitterandshit · 10/05/2017 19:20

Sorry I only take 2 of mine, 1 is 13 and then take her 2 so we all fit for school runs but not at weekends.

OP posts:
Tattybogle89 · 10/05/2017 19:21

Wow I cant believe what I just read... You are too nice.. I mean, this is all too much. I'm mortified she has the cheek to expect this. You've been backed into a corner and saying no now is going to probably cause grief, but you cant keep on like this its mad. I find the fact she asked you to the birth after a few conversations absolutely bizarre! Kind of you to oblige though.
You need to be Honest with her x

ScarletForYa · 10/05/2017 19:21

She had no one as a birthing partner

There's a reason for that.

She's a user.

You've been more than kind Op. But more than this and you'd be a mug. Stop.

AgentOprah · 10/05/2017 19:21

www.home-start.org.uk

MargotLovedTom1 · 10/05/2017 19:23

Thanks rainbows I'm so tired I didn't know if I was being a bit dim or had missed something.

Please start the ball rolling by not having them this weekend. Do you have a partner or husband?

Original poster
rainbowsandglitterandshit · 10/05/2017 19:25

I have a OH but he works 60 hours a week, on night shifts. He has had enough aswell, as you can imagine.

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 10/05/2017 19:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
rainbowsandglitterandshit · 10/05/2017 19:29

Completely agree, I have turned into a total mug which really is not like me. I just feel bad for her and how alone she is.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 10/05/2017 19:30

Be proactive and tell her that as of tomorrow you can only do 2 nights per week and can only help at the weekends by have x (the that is friends with your DC) over for a couple of hours Sat morning or something like that?

If she gets arsy you just need to tell her that you're not coping and the other alternative is not to help at all!

Fruitcorner123 · 10/05/2017 19:31

You have been so kind to help her out in this way but even one or two nights a week and one weekend a month is really a lot for someone you don't know well. I would struggle to give up that many evenings with my own kids for a good friend although would do it if they were Ill or going through a hard time. I think maybe suggest something you are comfortable with but put a time limit on it e.g. twice a week until the baby is 3 months then just occasionally after that. Being firm is not being a bad friend and she has to find a way of coping. You could offer to go round to hers or invite the whole family round for dinner sometimes so that she has support but isn't just using you for free childcare. You are a very kind person but perhaps you need to put your kids first they must be missing time with just you. Maybe that's how you explain it to her?

Goingtobeawesome · 10/05/2017 19:32

Really unkind and unfair, Crunchymum.

Original poster
rainbowsandglitterandshit · 10/05/2017 19:34

it's fine going all comes with posting in AIBU

OP posts:
Fruitcorner123 · 10/05/2017 19:35

I just want to add that reducing it to 2 nights week is still a very very kind gesture. You mustn't feel guilty or allow her to make you feel guilty for that. She needs to let her older kids bond with baby too.

FurryLittleTwerp · 10/05/2017 19:35

I'm Shock reading this - she is massively taking advantage of your good nature - it's not as if you were close friends beforehand.

You need to tell her it is going to stop soon - perhaps wean her off over a couple of weeks then stop with the regular arrangements. Occasional kids for tea is fine, but nothing with a pattern or she'll rapidly reel you in again.

Original poster
rainbowsandglitterandshit · 10/05/2017 19:36

And I think this is part of the problem, I still absolutely want to help her, just not as much as this, I just do not know how to broach the subject without her becoming annoyed and then rejecting any helo amd it becoming too much for her.

OP posts:
AlliHearMumMuumMuuuum · 10/05/2017 19:36

YANBU wow what an amazing friend you are...but it seems she maybe taking advantage now...school runs daily is alot of help let alone evening meals and having her DC at weekend too! Yes being new mum again is difficult but by 6 weeks youd hope for some routine back. Really hope no PND...has she had her 6 week check up yet? maybe you could suggest her speaking to HV/DR at the check up.
PPs have had good suggestions...ie "Can take them Wednesdays...but busy other than that ect"
What a supportive friend though so these are for you Flowers

FurryLittleTwerp · 10/05/2017 19:37

You really don't need to be or feel responsible for her.

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