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AIBU?

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Original poster

He threw the bunny away

223 replies

gherkin85 · 09/05/2017 13:02

My son is 11 and has had a bunny toy since birth. I bought it for him when I was pregnant with him. I'm not with his dad anymore but he stays at his dads house a couple of days a week.
last week his dad threw the bunny away, saying ds needs to "grow up"
DS and I are heartbroken.
I tried to explain to dad why this is not ok and he hung up on me....saying I am "mothering" him too much??

OP posts:
Starlighter · 09/05/2017 15:23

My dd(4yo) has a beloved bunny. I can't imagine ever throwing it away, it's been such a huge part of our lives already! She comes everywhere with us.

What the dad did seems very cruel and spiteful imo. He knew how much it meant to your son - and to you. Very odd behaviour that would throw up a whole load of red flags to me.

abbey44 · 09/05/2017 15:28

My DS1 (he's 24 now) has his baby toy, a stuffed platypus, tucked away in a cupboard in his room still. He's working away, is a proper man's man, but when I found Platy when I was going through the cupboard for something else recently, it brought back so much and the fact he's kept it made me well up.

My heart breaks for your poor DS - I can't believe his own dad could be so spiteful and careless of his feelings.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 09/05/2017 15:28

Only the other day I was in the school playground discussing the school residential trip with most macho arsey Dad in the class. He was telling me his lad would be taking his Teddy. I must admit, he hadn't struck me as the type to be cool with this. You ex must be a special type of nasty.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 09/05/2017 15:31

So sorry OP I'd feel like inflicting severe personal pain on Ex in some way, but remember, this isn't about your upset, or our rage, it's for DS to process and deal with in the way he wants.

If you get a replacement perhaps name him doppelganger, stunt double, representative on earth, or something just a bit different to acknowledge the original.

Ex is so insensitive and emotionally stunted on this matter. Sometimes we cherish items because of the thoughts behind them, not for the thing itself, it's because of all it represents. What a shame he isn't mature or developed enough to acknowledge that Sad
DH and me have still got our battered childhood teddies. I don't know exactly where they are but they're in the house somewhere and have been with us all our lives and that's what we love about them.

Hope you can resolve it in the end somehow.

Curiouslyconfused · 09/05/2017 15:32

All the boys on my ds's residential trip when they were 13 took teddies. No one made any comment.
Tell your ex that my 55 year old rugby playing DH still has his childhood teddy. It has been with him at boarding school and university.

Original poster
gherkin85 · 09/05/2017 15:34

Thank you fortyfaced and everyone else.
my plan is to acknowledge departure of old bunny, then wait on new bunny arrival, put it in a cuboard, let things settle, see if he wants him and if he does fine and if not.....
my twin sister is very pregnant (with a boy) I might ask ds when the time comes, if he dosent want newbunny, if he would like to gift it to the new baby
sighs

OP posts:
Lemonylemon · 09/05/2017 15:40

OP, your ex is nothing short of mean. I'm nearly 54 and I have a teddy which was without a name until DD (9) came along. She often co-sleeps with me still and her teddy comes along with her. My bear has now been named Grandpa Bear and he looks after {name} bear while we're out at school and work.

ginnybag · 09/05/2017 15:43

Some of these stories are heartbreaking - what has to go through the mind of an adult to do that to a child. It has to be written all over the child at the time how destroying this is?

I have both my childhood toys, and my Dmum's first bear. DH still has his. DD has hers and will keep it as long as she wants to. Sometimes, when DD is having bad dreams or a touch of separation anxiety when I have to travel for work or she is away with Brownies, I let her 'borrow' Teddy, so that some part of me is with her all the time. It works, which it wouldn't if they were just cuddly toys.

DaveTheDesigner · 09/05/2017 15:55

I've still got a teddy that was my mother's, and was mine when I was little. It must be getting on for almost 90yrs old. In turn, my daughter had it and now she's older it's been stored away but it's special. I hope it's handed to her children if she has any. I'd be very upset if anything happened to it. Your son's dad is a complete f•••wit.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 09/05/2017 15:58

Your ex is an ex for a very good reason. I would be careful of him trying to impose a toxic idea of manliness on your DS. Having a favourite toy doesn't make him less male just normal with a full range of emotions.

toccata010 · 09/05/2017 16:02

That's so inconsiderate and thoughtless, your poor DS. I just can't see why he would do that. My DS has a small soft animal toy which he was given at birth - we accidentally we left it in a hotel room - over 4,000 miles away from home and we were able to call the hotel, locate it and got it fedexed back to him - after that we persuaded DS to leave it at home when travelling! He still has it - and he's a teenager now. My daughter who is 20 and away at uni has her soft toy on her study desk at home - she's had it since she was born and would be heartbroken if we'd thrown it away.

BiddyPop · 09/05/2017 16:04

If it helps, DD (11) has loads of teddies still, including a few very special ones like the bug that was in her cot in hospital when she was born.

Going away with Cubs, I see lots of very grown up Cubs, 11yo+, who are still very attached to their special teddies for night time. And these are Cubs who are genuinely mature, being Patrol Leaders and (somewhat!) helpful, often the ones who are getting stuck in when any disagreements happen to try and resolve them, etc. But when they go to bed, have their special buddies with them. And it's a specific point on our kit lists - that anyone who has and wants to bring a teddy, please do.

(I was not terribly surprised last year, when Scouts were away with us, that a number of the girls still had teddies too - I don't think it happens as much with the boys but they are 12.5 before going up).

nachogazpacho · 09/05/2017 16:06

I'd also say to ds it's not childish or whatever your ex said to him to have a favourite thing. You could openly discuss it and his feelings about what his dad said and explain some people aren't very good at understanding other people's feelings if there are ongoing issues with his dad's behaviour

guinnessgirl · 09/05/2017 16:12

Your ex is a total cock. You're well rid of him. Your poor DS SadAngry

Nonibaloni · 09/05/2017 16:13

My DM did me that favour when DS was 3. It was piglet from Pooh. He stayed at hers and it was no where to be seen at picking up. Not unusual when still travelling with bags and bags of stuff. DS was ok because he didn't sleep with him just kinda liked him there. I followed up the next day and at the next visit. Eventually she said that she'd thrown it out before he got too attached and then it couldn't be thrown out.

Summed up DM thinking. Appearances before feelings always. And unfortunately your DS now cannot be completely honest with his father. Fathers loss in the long term.

I would add telling your son you are proud of how well he is dealing with the loss. At least he is behaving like a grown up.

StrangeLookingParasite · 09/05/2017 16:14

God what a fucknuckle.
Husband and I both have our teddies here, brought from the other side of the world. We have a combined age of 96!
Son still has his teddy and nothing would induce me to even so much as put him away.
I am very sentimental about stuffed toys.

BalloonSlayer · 09/05/2017 16:15

I wouldn't put the bunny in Ex's bed in case he throws it away again.

But . . . I guess you could post him a photo of it holding a knife with a message made from bits of newspaper "angry bunny is out of the tip and coming for you" or something

zukiecat · 09/05/2017 16:16

Your poor DS!

My mother threw away my "Orangey" when I was about 12, I was completely heartbroken as I loved him so much and I have never forgiven her, she was emotionally abusive in so many other ways too

Replacing him was never an option because my older cousin made him at school, I fell instantly in love with him and that was that!

Edna1969 · 09/05/2017 16:28

DD1 is sitting her SATs this week and has been taking her cuddle toy into school with her. She is a very anxious person and very touchy feely so it is really helping her keep calm and get through a stressful time. I cannot believe anyone would do this. Has he no empathy?

DeadGood · 09/05/2017 16:33

"saying I am "mothering" him too much"

Sorry - why is mothering a bad thing?

contrary13 · 09/05/2017 16:39

As another poster said - that is emotionally abusive. How could a parent throw away something that their child needs/loves/has never been without, and then get arsey about it when asked this by the other parent?! Angry

I'm 40, and I still have the doll my older brothers gave me on the day I was born. She's battered, and faded, but I'll admit to this:- whilst I no longer sleep with her, a few years ago I couldn't find her... and I cried at the thought of having lost her. My daughter's 21 and still has the Winnie-the-Pooh bear I bought for her first Christmas. She sleeps with him on her pillows when she's at home, and I know she'd be devastated if she lost him. My son is 12 and still sleeps with his bear (actually, most nights, it's on his bear, as the thing is my daughter's old pyjama case which he purloined when he was toddling). My mother is almost 70 and still has her childhood doll. Know why we keep them? Security, comfort, a reminder that we are loved. They smell of home, of safety, and remind us of our families when we're apart from them as children.

So how could your ex do that to your son?! How dare he destroy that precious piece of security, as you say continuity, which he needs - and probably needs more than ever now, as it's been snatched away forever Sad

Kirk1 · 09/05/2017 16:42

I think "Mothering him too much" is arsehole code for "doesn't like me as much as he likes you and it's your fault" when it's areshole's fault for being an arsehole.

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 09/05/2017 16:42

My dad used to do this. If we had annoyed him, he's pretend to get over it and then ask us in a sweet-as-pie voice to show him our favourite toys.

Then he'd throw them in the bin. All the time this awful suppressed smirk on his face like he was trying really hard not to laugh.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/05/2017 16:43

Jeezus fuckin' H what a cruel heartless thing to do to a child!! Angry

I'd be raging if someone did that to ME, let alone to my child!

(In fact I still haven't got over DH throwing away the tapes he took out of my car before we sold it on ebay - his excuse was that they were "old technology" - didn't matter that some of them were fucking irreplaceable with new tech! Angry)

So glad you've found another one - hope he keeps it well away from his heartless fuckwit of a sperm donor.

nevernotstruggling · 09/05/2017 16:45

The ex sounds vile. Glad you found a replacement. My dds have special soft toys. Even my knob head ex wouldn't mess with them.

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