OH has fallen out with me and I feel wretched

[CabbagePatchKid91]

Full disclosure: I have a 16 day old baby so am feeling super emotional.
My auntie made us some bunting for the baby's room. It's really lovely. She is coming to see us this weekend so I thought it would be nice to put the bunting up. I researched to find the best way to put the bunting up without the paint coming off the wall.
We got some hooks that stick on. OH stuck them up and tied the bunting on. The hook came off and took the paint with it . We don't have any of the nursery paint to cover it. OH is furious. Won't speak to me. Told me that I've spoiled the nursery. I'm going to go get a tester in the morning to cover it up but he's not talking to me now and I feel like howling. I feel awful. He's had such a hard day at work after the baby kept us up all night.
How can I fix this?

Not necessarily controlling. Potential markers of being controlling.

But I am sure the male of the species is delighted to have you for a champion. They certainly need one.

She gave birth 2 weeks ago. I was still bleeding and sore at that point. Suggesting that the person who is 16 days post partum and likely doing most of the care should be more well rested than the person who is probably on paternity leave and didn't push a baby out 2 weeks ago is just plain stupid.

Sorry - one of those threads where I didn't notice 4 more pages.

He doesn't like if things aren't just so.

He obviously cares about things more than he cares about you - the mother of his baby - though.

he's got DD and I want her with me but feel I can't ask to have her because of the situation

It's worrying that you're scared to ask him.

OK, so you've made up, now. Do be wary if this turns out to be a repeated pattern of behaviour from him. Hopefully, it is just an overtired one off but, if it isn't, you don't have to accept it or try to modify your behaviour to prevent it.

And hopefully, your own extreme tiredness will lift, in a while. If you find the tearfulness and despondence not going away, don't be afraid to talk to your HV or GP about it.

It's not that he was holding or with the baby. It's the fact she felt she couldn't ask to have the baby.

Who the fuck in a healthy relationship has to ASK to hold the baby? The wee mite is 16 days old, the best place is with Mom. Instead, baby is with a twat of a Dad who is sulking over flaked bastard paint, purposely ignoring his emotional post partum wife and making her feel like shit.

It's not about hating men, it's about getting annoyed by someone acting a twat. Yes they are both sleep deprived but it's not angry words exchanged, it's silence engineered by him which created the atmosphere that made the OP feel like she couldn't go and ask (again, who asks!!!) to have the baby.

That is why I have said to op to keep an eye, especially if he has perfect standards around the house. It can develop further. Op take no crap from him.

And this is what sleep deprivation does to normally sane, reasonable people.

"And this is what sleep deprivation does to normally sane, reasonable people."

Yes, it did. It is also what the arrival of a baby can do to a potentially controlling man.

Rested on maternity leave? You do say you don't know anything about it (although in that case I'm not sure why you feel free to make assertions based on an admitted lack of knowledge) but most women work as long as possible while pregnant to have the time after the baby is born. So they have been working while heavily pregnant. Then a short time before the birth, often struggling at that point to sleep what with being enormous, aches and pains, Braxton Hicks etc. Then they give birth, which is a traumatic event to their body, regardless of how easy the actual birth is, and in many cases it's not so nights of sleep are missed and major medical procedure take place. And then they have a tiny baby. So not that rested at 16 days.

Men are entitled to two weeks' paternity leave so OP's DH has probably only been back at work for a very short period without any strain at all to his body.

You poor thing. It is a wretched feeling being blamed for something and feeling desperate to fix things. But the reason you couldn't is because you did nothing wrong. His feelings and behaviour don't match what you did at all.

When you're feeling calmer again you might want to look at this: outofthefog.website/personality-disorders-1/2015/12/6/obsessive-compulsive-personality-disorder-ocpd

I'm not diagnosing your OH with a personality disorder, it's the behaviours in the bottom half of the page that may be useful. Clicking on the "Blaming" behaviour for example gives you descriptions of what that behaviour feels like and what it does to you.

The page overall may be useful for you to see how much of a problem these behaviours are in your OH and how far they extend.

I grew up with a father who does have The other characteristics there and does have OCPD (which is not OCD it's just confusingly similar in name) and his behaviour was horribly confusing, I remember the feelings of desperation trying to please him because he could be a lovely man and trying to make things right while I got blamed for things I couldn't fix (now I see they weren't my fault). Things would detiorate so suddenly from a pleasant activity, because anything , any little thing, that went wrong made him angry and he'd turn it on me. The site that link is from is very good as it points out why someone with these traits does that. And does not in any way see it as okay they do. The "out of the fog" title is a really good name for it! The breaking point for me was when he used to take my baby off me too and walk off with him, I would be incoherent trying to get him back. I wish I'd known enough to see these behaviours of his as they were then.

Hope you're feeling better

OP I'm glad your DH apologized and hope you feel a bit better today.

You need to have a talk and work out how to make sure he reassesses his expectations about how life with a small baby is and how it's going to need some compromises. It's no good wanting everything to be perfect, you have to prioritize and not sweat the small stuff. Talk to him about how a baby is not an exhibit to place in a perfect magazine style setting, about how accidents happen and that there will be ugly toys, breakages. You made everything perfect and just-so in anticipation, but from that point on, real life starts.

Congratulations on your baby and here's looking forward to some happy times during these precious early days.

I think your husband needs to be starting a thread here "I've just been a complete fucking dick to my
Wife over THIS of all things - she's just had my baby, please help me make it up to her".

Wish I had a pound for every time DH and I bit each other's heads off over something stupid and insignificant when DD was a newborn.

Nothing out of the ordinary as far as I can tell from your post. My DH once threw a similar hissy fit when I spilled summer berry juice on the coffee table and stained it. It was forgotten about by the next day (and DD has made so many more stains you can hardly see it now anyway!)

Glad to hear it's all smoothed over now. Tensions do run high when tiredness and stress set in. My only advice is to try and grow a second skin. It's hard to not take these things personally but really, it's not worth fretting about.

Exactly badger me and my partner would be minted right now lol

Jesus. Someone's diagnosing the DH with a personality disorder now! On the basis of a couple of internet posts. FFS.

Alexa people have called him abusive based on the same posts. Both just as out there tbh.

Be kind to each other. No one tells you how hellish the early weeks are (and it seems so disconnected and almost churlish when they try) so it's such a shock to suddenly have a baby that's your whole world.

Your husband is going through the emotions you are and he's working (which seems almost trippy with a new baby at home, like an alternative universe) and you're both sleep deprived and no doubt anxious. Small things get magnified by exhaustion.

It'll pass. It gets easier, I promise.

Just lost a long post.
So when I had my 1St baby I worked until two weeks before. I got very little sleep due to being big and uncomfortable. Had heartburn and Braxton Hicks etc. Meanwhile dh laid beside me snoring away.
I than went through early labour major surgery and hormone changes.
If anyone tried to make out he was as tired as me especially as I was doing most of the night wakings because I could rest as I was on maternity leave I would not be impressed.

Hope it's a one off op and all is now well.

BertrandRussell Totally agree with your post at Tue 09-May-17 14:18:55.

This could be the case and I really hope it is not for the CabbagePatchKid.

When we read a new post about a situation that sounds worrying maybe some of can't help but think of our own situations and how we might feel.

The OP has carried a baby for nine months and given birth (which is generally quite a difficult, painful and at times very tiring experience - as well as being wonderful - well it was tiring for me) and when I came out of the hospital my husband did all he could to make me comfortable.

This husband sounds very worrying for his desire to have everything just so. This may last a while but it won't be long before the baby/toddler/child is messing up the perfect house, I do hope your husband is going to be able to change his expectations, OP.

I think the reason this is so upsetting is he put the bloody things up, and yet he blamed you, OP, presumably because you wanted them up to show the person who had given them to your daughter.

OP I really hope he is going to relax, if he is tired he can get some rest, but what he cannot do is take it out on you or the baby.

Just keep an eye on things, and (I know everyone is going to say this but...) baby blues are very common and if you find yourself feeling tearful etc a lot then do speak to the midwives or health visitors.

Good luck and congratulations on your new baby.

Jesus. Someone's diagnosing the DH with a personality disorder now! On the basis of a couple of internet posts. FFS. hmm

Not true at all, Alexa, if you read the post.