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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be prepared to make changes

504 replies

AngelThursday · 07/05/2017 16:19

OH and I (really can't call him DH ATM as I'm still reeling from my discovery a few months ago that he'd been having an ongoing affair) are currently working on our marriage as a result of his 4 1/2 year infedilty. Which he blames incidentally on my lack of interest in sex and intimacy (we haven't slept together in ten years). I am really trying to work on my issues with intimacy and to be fair he is being v patient and understanding about this.
However as part of the process of reestablishing our relationship he is putting pressure on me to make some other changes. ATM I am a sahm to our 15 year old DS. I have some help in the house such as a cleaner who also does some ironing, a dog walker once a week while I'm at my hobby/course and a gardener. OH is suggesting that we either reduce the help or I get a parttime job.
I feel the current set up works well for our DS (OH works long and erratic hours) and that he is only asking to make a change because of recent events. Also, we really don't need a second income as he earns very highly.
I have discovered that the OW is a career woman with three DC and can't help feeling he is comparing me to her.
So I'm therefore inclined to dig my heels in and refuse to make the changes he requests - AIBU?

OP posts:
ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 07/05/2017 16:23

YABU to not get at least a part time job when your husband has asked you to so that you can make a contribution to household finances. Why would you not?

What changes is he making?

ProudBadMum · 07/05/2017 16:23

4 and a half year affair?! That isn't just an affair it's a whole other relationship. He hasn't been patient or understanding at all tbh.

Regarding the rest, is there a reason a 15 year old needs you to stay at home?

EZA15 · 07/05/2017 16:26

YABU - if your cleaner walks the dog and does some of your ironing and obviously your cleaning, what do you do whilst your son is at school? I am not condoning the affair, however, changes obviously need to be made on both sides unless you don't want to compromise on some things and not be in the marriage?

spanieleyes · 07/05/2017 16:26

You don't work, have 15 year old ( who presumably is pretty independent) a cleaner, a gardener and a dog walker.

And you wonder why he is thinking a change might be a good idea !!Confused

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 07/05/2017 16:26

If he works with her then he needs to get a new job. .
And you should have one anyway. .
1 ds 15
A gardener
A cleaner
Shock
You have separate lives and no interest in him or your home imo!!

TheZeppo · 07/05/2017 16:27

Are you having counselling? I don't know your story and I'm really sorry if I've misjudged this, but from your OP:

You haven't had sex in years.
He had an affair for half that time.
You are a SAHM for a 15 year old (any SEN?) and yet you have a cleaner/dog walker?

I know he was wrong for the affair, but it seems like there are lots of things that need addressing here and digging your heels in won't help.

handsfree · 07/05/2017 16:30

To be fair proudbadmum whilst I'm in no way condoning affairs presumably he was patient and understanding for the first 6 years of no intimacy!

angel you are a sahm to a teenager, you have a cleaner and a gardener. It is not unreasonable at all for your h to ask you to get a job or reduce the help. How do you spend your days if you don't have to clean or look after the garden or presumably do that much looking after your son?

Do you both want to stay in the marriage?

rjay123 · 07/05/2017 16:31

Waiting for the drip feed about son...

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 07/05/2017 16:32

That's an awful situation.

If I'm honest if dh was a stay at home parent (to a teenager) with a cleaner, gardener and dog walker. I would massively resent him, especially if the relationship lacked an physical affection.

The 4 1/2 year affair is an awful think for him to do to you. It would have been better for him to voice his frustrations years ago rather than have an affair.

I think he has got a point about you getting a job / reducing the help if I'm honest

BubbleBed · 07/05/2017 16:33

Op have you posted before?

I distinctly remember a thread about a SAHM of a teen son with a cleaner and gardener and dog walker......

VimFuego101 · 07/05/2017 16:36

Do you actually want to stay in the marriage - or do you depend on him for financial support? A 15yo does not need a SAHP, cleaner and dog walker, so he is not being unreasonable to expect you to work. It might also give you some options in terms of staying in an unhappy marriage too.

Iamastonished · 07/05/2017 16:36

Do you even love your husband? Or are you only staying with him because you have a cushy number? Or is there something you haven't told us?

MrsExpo · 07/05/2017 16:37

YABU. I'd say you certainly don't need someone to do the ironing and walk the dog!! Your DS will be at school a lot of the time i'm guessing, and, at his age, will have friends and other interests. As a Poster above has said, he seems a little old to need his mum at home 24/7 to be a his beck and call.

This clearly isn't about money to me. Maybe your OH thinks you need to do more in the house or get a part time job, not to contribute to the household, but simply to allow you to develop more as a person and generally be busier. Have you ever complained to him about being bored? Do you go out a lot shopping/meeting friends/having lunch etc?

Why not look at getting some sort of volunteering role, maybe committing a day per week to it, which would give you chance to get involved in something outside your domestic set up. Combine this with sacking the dog walker and telling the cleaner you'll do the ironing yourself might let him see you're trying to meet him halfway.

Vroomster · 07/05/2017 16:37

Why do you need a cleaner and gardener, what do you do all day?

I'm not condoning the affair, that is shit.

Crispbutty · 07/05/2017 16:38

Same poster again... doesn't usually come back to properly explain why a 15yo NT son has NEVER been left alone ever.

I have a lot of sympathy for the husband here as I remember all the recent threads by this op. They are worth a read.

BarbarianMum · 07/05/2017 16:39

Yes YABU. Seems like the current set up works well for you. Did you really think he'd just accept celibacy and was happy to bankrole you forever? Did you ever discuss it?

user1493759849 · 07/05/2017 16:39

I can't believe the OP is staying with the husband. No sex or intimacy for TEN YEARS, an affair for almost half that time?

Why are you with him OP? Serious question.

QuiteLikely5 · 07/05/2017 16:40

Ten years and no sex!??!

I'm afraid I can't judge him!

I think he will end this marriage - after ds has finished his education

Yes you should get a job, do some voluntary work

it really isn't surprising that he wants you to contribute to the home in some way!

Original poster
AngelThursday · 07/05/2017 16:40

DS doesn't have SN but I like to be there when he gets home. His school is hard to get to by public transport so I take and collect him, round trip of about an hour each time.
I am receiving help for my intimacy issues but am finding it v hard to trust OH. 4 1/2 years is a long long time ...

OP posts:
user1493759849 · 07/05/2017 16:41

FWIW I think you should get a part time job too. Being a SAHM when your sons is 15 is a bit weird imo. And you have home help too? But Blimey! What's in this marriage for him? Confused

user1493759849 · 07/05/2017 16:41

*When your SON is 15, not 'sons'

witsender · 07/05/2017 16:42

Tbh, you can't really refuse to let another adult stop supporting you. So whilst you may feel resistant to change, you can't refuse to consider it. A stay at home parent only works when both parents are up for it, in the absence of other issues relating to the child.

I don't condone affairs at all, and you must have been heartbroken. 10 years without intimacy is a massive,massive deal though. And I say that as someone who doesn't have much of a drive.

khajiit13 · 07/05/2017 16:42

Get a job OP. It will do wonders for you. I won't condone affairs but I can see why your husband could be feeling resentful. Long hours at a stressful job while you're at home doing sweet FA.

EdmundCleverClogs · 07/05/2017 16:43

Sorry if I'm wrong, but haven't you posted about this before? If I remember correctly, you had absolutely no intention of having a sexual relationship with him ever again (or wanted to work), but didn't want to separate? Apologies if that was a different poster - as I remember that thread going, whilst the husband was definitely unreasonable not to grow a pair and leave earlier, the op wasn't exactly perfect either (not excusing affairs at all).

ilovesooty · 07/05/2017 16:43

If you had no sex life for the best part of six years before the affair, what was the issue then?