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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be prepared to make changes

504 replies

AngelThursday · 07/05/2017 16:19

OH and I (really can't call him DH ATM as I'm still reeling from my discovery a few months ago that he'd been having an ongoing affair) are currently working on our marriage as a result of his 4 1/2 year infedilty. Which he blames incidentally on my lack of interest in sex and intimacy (we haven't slept together in ten years). I am really trying to work on my issues with intimacy and to be fair he is being v patient and understanding about this.
However as part of the process of reestablishing our relationship he is putting pressure on me to make some other changes. ATM I am a sahm to our 15 year old DS. I have some help in the house such as a cleaner who also does some ironing, a dog walker once a week while I'm at my hobby/course and a gardener. OH is suggesting that we either reduce the help or I get a parttime job.
I feel the current set up works well for our DS (OH works long and erratic hours) and that he is only asking to make a change because of recent events. Also, we really don't need a second income as he earns very highly.
I have discovered that the OW is a career woman with three DC and can't help feeling he is comparing me to her.
So I'm therefore inclined to dig my heels in and refuse to make the changes he requests - AIBU?

OP posts:
WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 07/05/2017 17:36

PaulDacresFeministConscience's got it right.

CricketRuntAndRashers · 07/05/2017 17:39

My opinion about your working:

What do you do all day? Yoga, flower arrangements, TV? Your DS is 15 and you have a cleaner, a gardener and a dogwalker.

Yes, we also have cleaner/housewoman and a gardener. But I work (a lot!), DH works part-time (mostly from home) and we have a toddler and soon a 2nd baby...

A part-time job is something I personally would expect from somebody in your situation. It seems like you have a very comfortable lazy life.

Secondly: Do you want to be in a relationship with this man? You didn't sleep with each other for 10 years.

And whilst this doesn't justify cheating... Well, I personally wouldn't be ok with this.

Do you want to start sleeping with him again? After 4,5 years of him having an affair? If no, would you be ok with him having an open relationship?
If the answer to that question is also "no"... Well, I think breaking up might be better. Seeing as he apparently doesn't want to live without having intercourse with somebody... Which is understandable, imo. (but still doesn't justify the cheating!).

CricketRuntAndRashers · 07/05/2017 17:40

OP I will say exactly what I said last time, which is that you need to cut the apron strings for your DS because you are doing him no favours at all. You aren't doing what is "best" for him - you are indulging your own desire to keep him young and at home for as long as possible. At best it's selfish, at worst you are actively holding him back and restricting his development.

Definitely.

Bluntness100 · 07/05/2017 17:41

So you just want him to fund your lifestyle really op and stay married for your personal convenience. But you don't want him to be with other women either, Be honest about it at least.

Yes it's unreasonable. I suspect your marriage is already over. It's simply a timing issue now. Refuse by all means, do nothing to compromise, live your life to benefit you and ensure you get him to pay for as much of it as possible and eek it out as long as you can before he walks.

What's in it for him staying in the marriage, what does he stand to gain?

Is he wealthy enough that when he leaves you won't have to work again?

EZA15 · 07/05/2017 17:41

he says this like it's something to be admired

You don't sound like you agree with the above. What's the alternative? Being a sahp when it's not needed. Not cleaning, walking the dog or anything but hobbies with someone else's money and then sound resentful when they don't seem to want to fund that anymore?! Have a reality check OP.

I was a sahp and it's hard - I get it, but your ds doesn't need a sahp anymore. He's 15!!

PoweredByCaffeine · 07/05/2017 17:42

It sounds like you both checked out of the relationship years ago. You're just pissed off you don't have someone prepared to bank roll your lifestyle anymore. I know that sounds harsh but you sound ridiculous. Part of being a parent is teaching your children to be adults and you're not prepared to do that as it would mean you were less needed and therefore had no excuse for your selfishness.

SimplyNigella · 07/05/2017 17:44

What is your plan if you and your husband separate? I assume that unless your husband is exceptionally wealthy your settlement wouldn't be enough to support your lifestyle indefinitely and you would need to do some form of paid work.

EdmundCleverClogs · 07/05/2017 17:44

AngelThursday, oh so you are the same poster? No issues with it as such, but as I said I remember that previous thread going exactly the same way as this one.

You basically expected your husband not to ever have sex again, whilst paying for your lifestyle. He shouldn't have cheated, but I can see why he snapped in all honesty.

You read like you give nothing to the relationship between you and him, and barely anything to the household bar looking after a near-adult child. What made you think that he would be happy to continue in this way? He's obviously not happy with you as a partner, what gives you the right to demand a platonic relationship that he wholly pays for and not give anything in return? Ultimately, I think he's looking for someone more on his level, a woman willing to do a day's work and wants intimacy, he doesn't seem to have the courage to actually go for it (and bar the affair, you seem to be living the life of Larry, so obviously you don't want a divorce).

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 07/05/2017 17:45

I'm never going to say that infidelity is ok, but OP you have to realise your own role in all of this. Withdrawal of affection (not just sex) would absolutely devastate me, to live alongside someone every day and not have the emotional and physical intimacy of a relationship would be unbearable.
So it's two issues, he was awful to cheat and to lie. But really, were you so much better? You speak about him as if he's a walking cash machine, and thats about it.

expatinscotland · 07/05/2017 17:45

If I were him, I'd still keep seeing my mistress and use the next three years of my son's life to squirrel away as many assets as I could, then dump you as soon as my son left home.

PigtailsAndPosies · 07/05/2017 17:45

Give me strength.

Whilst there's no excuse for an affair (he should have left you) there is absolutely no need to be a SAHM for a 15 year old and to have a cleaner and to have a gardener. You don't even have the "I'm utterly exhausted from the housework and running around after a toddler to have sex". You sound like an utter liability!

I can't imagine he has any respect for you whilst you potter around doing your hobby and your course.

I am so glad I don't know you, I don't think I'd have any respect for you either. You must be incredibly boring. Your poor husband.

You need to spend a bit of time being an adult!

RitaMills · 07/05/2017 17:46

You should start getting a little bit more independent financially as I predict your husband will be out the door as soon as your DS leaves home.

PigtailsAndPosies · 07/05/2017 17:48

Most people like to feel that they've contributed something to the world, OP.

When you die, what will your lasting legacy to the world be?

I can't imagine you're even developing any admirable qualities in your only child from what you say.

PigtailsAndPosies · 07/05/2017 17:48

Most people like to feel that they've contributed something to the world, OP.

When you die, what will your lasting legacy to the world be?

I can't imagine you're even developing any admirable qualities in your only child from what you say.

QODRestYeMerryGentlemen · 07/05/2017 17:48

Unanimous yabu

TheresARumblyInMyTumbly · 07/05/2017 17:49

Rita she won't need to. She's been a SAHM for 15 years... that's a fair whack of entitlement to everything her husband has worked for right there.

And no, I wouldn't say this about all SAHMs at all. It's a very valuable role. But at the point at which you're just using it to be a lazy wastrel...

paxillin · 07/05/2017 17:50

Perhaps your DH doesn't want to work such long unpredictable hours any more. Your DS will probably move to student digs in three years' time, are you going to remain a SAHM then, too? You have three people to help you clean, garden, iron and dog walk, perhaps it is time to shoulder some responsibility? It must be tough after so may years out of work.

Glittter · 07/05/2017 17:50

Op, I think your husband must be a saint because being married to you sounds like a full time job, only with no rewards.

Your ds is also being stifiled. You need to let go.

I think if you got a job it would be good for your entire family.

Venusflytwat · 07/05/2017 17:50

OP what is your long term vision for your marriage? Do you want to stay together till death do you part? Till your son leaves home? Do you want sex again?

nannybeach · 07/05/2017 17:52

Do you actually "want" to be married to this guy. Who would wait 6 years without sex, for anyone to get help with issues! ` 15 year old unable to get himself to school, all this help in the house, I cannot believe this. Most people would want to get some kind of job, I have hardly ever met anyone who doesnt HAVE to go out to work, (in my case with 4 kids)

expatinscotland · 07/05/2017 17:54

' She's been a SAHM for 15 years... that's a fair whack of entitlement to everything her husband has worked for right there. '

Nothing a very good solicitor can't help him with right now.

RitaMills · 07/05/2017 17:54

Rita she won't need to. She's been a SAHM for 15 years... that's a fair whack of entitlement to everything her husband has worked for right there.

I'm feeling a bit conflicted as he did have an affair but the more I read the more I'm thinking 'poor guy'.

QuiteLikely5 · 07/05/2017 17:54

Expat in Scotland Grin

Op

Your marriage is highly dysfunctional and your are only married by law as in RL there is no actual marriage/relationship!

Judges do have to follow the law but seriously no judge is going to approve of your lack of initiative in regards to this marriage.

Your husband deserves some respect for tolerating your situation for the sake of his son.

And yes he is quite right to admire the mother of three who holds down a job.

I really believe once your son has finished his education your husband will be off.

Clandestino · 07/05/2017 17:55

Is this thread for real? A SAHM to a 15y old? A cleaner, a gardener and no intimacy for 10 years. I don't believe it.

needsahalo · 07/05/2017 17:57

What are you going to do if your marriage end? How will you pay your own bills?

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