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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be prepared to make changes

504 replies

AngelThursday · 07/05/2017 16:19

OH and I (really can't call him DH ATM as I'm still reeling from my discovery a few months ago that he'd been having an ongoing affair) are currently working on our marriage as a result of his 4 1/2 year infedilty. Which he blames incidentally on my lack of interest in sex and intimacy (we haven't slept together in ten years). I am really trying to work on my issues with intimacy and to be fair he is being v patient and understanding about this.
However as part of the process of reestablishing our relationship he is putting pressure on me to make some other changes. ATM I am a sahm to our 15 year old DS. I have some help in the house such as a cleaner who also does some ironing, a dog walker once a week while I'm at my hobby/course and a gardener. OH is suggesting that we either reduce the help or I get a parttime job.
I feel the current set up works well for our DS (OH works long and erratic hours) and that he is only asking to make a change because of recent events. Also, we really don't need a second income as he earns very highly.
I have discovered that the OW is a career woman with three DC and can't help feeling he is comparing me to her.
So I'm therefore inclined to dig my heels in and refuse to make the changes he requests - AIBU?

OP posts:
Brokenbiscuit · 07/05/2017 16:43

Unless there is a massive drip feed coming, YABVU. Why do you believe that you shouldn't have to work?

SeaCabbage · 07/05/2017 16:44

The thing is, that you had intimacy issues for about five years before he had the affair. I think that is the time people are wondering about.

BarbarianMum · 07/05/2017 16:44

6 years is a long, long time too OP. You didn't deserve him to cheat and lie but what did you think were the likely outcomes? Surely not mutual happiness?

PookieDo · 07/05/2017 16:45

Ok, I'm really sorry that your DH had an affair, especially 4.5 years. I can't imagine how you feel

BUT.. here is the harsh bit.
I honestly do think that you might do well by yourself by not relying on him for all the income and luxuries. It cannot help your self esteem, surely?? This is about self worth and self fulfilment, not financial gain surely? His suggestions I'm afraid are not entirely unreasonable. Marriages change naturally over the years and it's not unreasonable for him to say now 'look it's been 15 years... let's make some changes' but also, don't you want your own independence at all?
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, changing your relationship landscape could help. Although it's painful to admit maybe there is something in the fact that he feels disconnected because you aren't working and he is, you have an immense amount of leisure time and your child is nearly an adult.

But I can also see how this hurts because he's the one whose done wrong yet YOU are having to change. Although I think in 5 years you would look back and wish you did it sooner. The longer you leave getting back into work the harder it will be

HandbagCrazy · 07/05/2017 16:45

I think PP are trying to point out that the 2 things aren't necessarily connected.

His affair is horrible. He has been lying to you for 4 and a half years!! That is 100% on him and he should be taking all responsibility for that, however, if you're both wanting to make this work, you both need to make changes.

Maybe you are happy with your set up but he isn't. I can see why tbh as I can't think why you need to be at home for a 15yr old. And maybe he wants to have different things to talk about with you?

Also, you should be thinking long term. If your marriage doesn't work, you need to be able to support yourself.

Vroomster · 07/05/2017 16:45

You really need to let your son grow up. What are you going to do when he leaves home?Confused

user1493759849 · 07/05/2017 16:46

Get a job OP. It will do wonders for you. I won't condone affairs but I can see why your husband could be feeling resentful. Long hours at a stressful job while you're at home doing sweet FA.

This ^ (post 24,) I was trying to ask/say this, but it sounded a bit off LOL. This whole shebang doesn't sound like much of a marriage for either of them tbh.

Crispbutty · 07/05/2017 16:46

How is your son ever going to be independent when you mollycoddle him like this?

why on earth do you think your husband should work and provide you with a full set of staff, while you potter around filling your days with hobbies and shopping?

ScarletForYa · 07/05/2017 16:47

Ten years with no sex?

There's no marriage to save OP.

Foslady · 07/05/2017 16:47

So is 10 years with no intimacy from you either OP. I can't condone an affair but I can certainly see why he's resorted to one.

You have a cleaner, a gardener, a dog walker and your ironing done. What do you do?

And yes, he maybe is comparing the pair of you and to be honest I'm not surprised. You sound like a princess and now when you are being called on your behaviour are atampiyyour foot and saying 'it's not fair'. I suggest you read some of the sadly many posts of women who are the only ones working whilst husband stays at home and does nothing so the poster is either having to pay someone to housekeep or do that also.
The term 'cocklodger' tends also to to found in the replays.....Hmm

Crispbutty · 07/05/2017 16:48

And, do you and your husband never go out at all together? As I'm sure there would be nobody willing to "babysit" an almost adult.

user1482079332 · 07/05/2017 16:48

Don't think theres much to add that hadn't been said but I think a job would do wonders for you. Do you have any hobbies or interests you could make money from self employed? If your marriage was to break down beyond repair you'll want other aspects of your life to flourish to soften the blow

Vroomster · 07/05/2017 16:48

Affair aside, I think you're unwilling to make changes as really you have a cushy set up.

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 07/05/2017 16:49

With respect, you hadn't had sex in the five and a half years before the affair, and ten years in total. Do you really want to have sex with this man ever again?

And YY, you do need to have a means of living independently if this attempt at rebuilding the marriage doesn't work.

CinderellaRockefeller · 07/05/2017 16:49

My advice to you this time is the same as last time.

Sort it out and break up now while you stand some chance of being able to retain you current lifestyle while supporting your son. Take that time to get on your feet and work out how you're going to finance the rest of your life.

Otherwise, the day your son goes off to university, prepare to be dropped like a hot potato and have hardly any legal resource to maintaining your lifestyle.

happypoobum · 07/05/2017 16:49

I had a friend in your position. In her case her DH was still seeing the OW and bullied her into getting a job so that she wouldn't be able to claim spousal maintenance when they split.

No way would I get a job now.

Hold tight until you know what he is up to............... it's only been a few months. Are you 100% sure he isn't still seeing her? I can't really see why he would stop, it obviously wasn't a fling.

FrancisCrawford · 07/05/2017 16:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FlossyMooToo · 07/05/2017 16:53

Something just doesnt seem right with this thread.

Allthebestnamesareused · 07/05/2017 16:53

To be fair I am to all intents and purposes a SAHm (although I do a bit of part-time seasonal work) and I have a cleaner, a gardner and a 15 year old son. The difference is my DH and I do have an actual relationship. I too am lucky enough that DH is a very high earner and the life we live is the life we have chosen together. I used to be in a highly paid professional job and we both have DC from previous marriages that involved a fair bit of running around for collections etc previously. It works for us.

It is harsh to criticise OP for a lifestyle that was acceptable to both parties of the marriage for so long. What has changed is that after a certain period of time he has met someone else and now that it has come to light I suspect he is about to move on.

My first thought at him wanting you to work now (or reduce the paid help you get) after all this time is because he is going to leave you and is looking to reduce what spousal maintenance he is going to have to pay.

LedaP · 07/05/2017 16:53

Honestly Op you need to nake changes.

You posted before because he wouldn't wfh when your son (15) was ill and you wanted to go to your hobby.

Tbh i was gobsmacked then. Many people told it was quite obvious that he wasnt happy with the set up then. I wouldnt be either. If dh wanted to be a sahm to a 25 year old and have all the help you had i would tell him to piss off.

I am not condoning the affair. But when it started yoi hadnt had sex for 5 years. I can imagine lots of people would at least contemplate an affair after 5 years. Especially if the person not wanting it wasnt even getting help.

I would be pissed off that i worked, paid for extra help, all the bills etc, expected to wfh for a 15 year old so my dp could have a hobby AND had no intimacy for decade.

He shouldn't have had an affair. But you need to make changes. If not you will end up divorced. You may get a decent settlement. But you will be expected to support yourself. And child maintence will only be paid until ds turns 19.

You both need to make changrs if you dont want to find yourself divorced and little job prospects.

AnUtterIdiot · 07/05/2017 16:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Crispbutty · 07/05/2017 16:54

" bullied her into getting a job so that she wouldn't be able to claim spousal maintenance when they split."

And why should a man be expected to financially support an able bodied woman of working age? Hmm

BeyondStrongAndStable · 07/05/2017 16:56

I think Cinderella and poobum are on to something here

HermioneJeanGranger · 07/05/2017 16:57

Of course you don't want to make changes - you don't have to do anything all day, while your husband goes out to work to support you (and pay for all the help you get) - and you haven't had sex in 10 years!

Normally I'm very sympathetic to people who are cheated on, but honestly, what did you expect? That's not a marriage.

doubleshotespresso · 07/05/2017 16:57

Yes YABU. Seems like the current set up works well for you. Did you really think he'd just accept celibacy and was happy to bankrole you forever? Did you ever discuss it?

Seriously? Are we to assume in 2017 that a wife putting out for her OH (who has messed her about) is mandatory?

Personally I would find not working would drive me crazy, but surely as a couple you discussed this before DS? What did you agree?

It sounds as if household finance is not so much of a problem, but that there are far more deep-rooted issues to be addressed.

OP how would your husband respond if you suggested doing some voluntary work? How do you like to spend your time? Do you want to work? I think you need to consider all these and have some honest and open discussion with your OH, I hope you resolve things soon.