Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be prepared to make changes

504 replies

AngelThursday · 07/05/2017 16:19

OH and I (really can't call him DH ATM as I'm still reeling from my discovery a few months ago that he'd been having an ongoing affair) are currently working on our marriage as a result of his 4 1/2 year infedilty. Which he blames incidentally on my lack of interest in sex and intimacy (we haven't slept together in ten years). I am really trying to work on my issues with intimacy and to be fair he is being v patient and understanding about this.
However as part of the process of reestablishing our relationship he is putting pressure on me to make some other changes. ATM I am a sahm to our 15 year old DS. I have some help in the house such as a cleaner who also does some ironing, a dog walker once a week while I'm at my hobby/course and a gardener. OH is suggesting that we either reduce the help or I get a parttime job.
I feel the current set up works well for our DS (OH works long and erratic hours) and that he is only asking to make a change because of recent events. Also, we really don't need a second income as he earns very highly.
I have discovered that the OW is a career woman with three DC and can't help feeling he is comparing me to her.
So I'm therefore inclined to dig my heels in and refuse to make the changes he requests - AIBU?

OP posts:
doubleshotespresso · 07/05/2017 17:59

Unanimous yabu

Hmm not sure I agree here sorry. The OP has not stated what was agreed before DS. If as a couple, they decided for OP to be SAHM, and now the goalposts are being moved, that's not on.

But there are clearly other things within the marriage which have been more than amiss for years- why have they been unable to talk?

I have a few friends who I suppose to some have quite an idyllic lifestyle similar to the OP. It would be my idea of hell, I am just too fiercely independent, but I recognise this was a choice they happily made. It does worry me what position this places them in potentially in a decade or so though!?

Reading between the very limited lines here, it seems as if OH to the OP checked out of the marriage years ago and is encouraging her to work now in order she can claim less in any break-up agreements later.

ElspethFlashman · 07/05/2017 18:00

On a previous thread she used the phrase"marriage of convenience" several times.

But in fairness pointed out that it was for him too as he really wanted a child/family but also wanted to work v long hours.

He stopped initiating so she presumed he was just fine with a sexless marriage too (oh how often have we heard "he seems fine with it too" on the Relationships board!). But he wasn't - and when all this came out, basically said she shouldn't have presumed he was ok, cos nobody would be.

Namesarehard · 07/05/2017 18:00

This isn't a marriage. You're room mates at the most. Whilst I'd never usualy condone an affair I don't blame you're husband one bit. This isn't a life to be living on his part.

Namesarehard · 07/05/2017 18:00

*your. Gah. Bloody phone.

SabineUndine · 07/05/2017 18:00

I'm assuming the issue for both parties in this marriage is money. The OP doesn't want to lose her comfortable lifestyle, the husband doesn't want an expensive divorce.

I'm sorry for the teenager.

Namesarehard · 07/05/2017 18:03

I feel for the teenager too. Not a healthy upbringing by the sounds of it. Money isn't everything. Having money doesn't make you a good parent. Doesn't sound like a good environment.

ComputerUserNotTrained · 07/05/2017 18:05

I think when most parents agree that one of them should be a SAHP, they're thinking for a few years. Not 15!

What are/were your plans when your ds reaches adulthood?

Others' suggestion that your husband is biding his time until that happens seems pretty likely tbh. I couldn't (and didn't) do that, so I have to admire him on that score.

spanieleyes · 07/05/2017 18:05

Hmm not sure I agree here sorry. The OP has not stated what was agreed before DS. If as a couple, they decided for OP to be SAHM, and now the goalposts are being moved, that's not on.

Possibly not, however I find it hard to imagine the DH thought that being a SAHM forever was part of the decision!

steff13 · 07/05/2017 18:08

Certainly reassessing the situation once the child is older is not moving the goalposts. We don't have any idea whether the OP's husband has broached this subject before now.

OP you may not want to make changes, but I dunt think you're going to have a choice. If you don't make changes to repair your marriage, you're going to have to figure out how to support yourself once your husband leaves.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 07/05/2017 18:09

What is the female equivalent of Cock Lodger? Vagina Recliner Grin

Katie6448 · 07/05/2017 18:14

I remember your other threads OP. It's quite worrying that you're not seeing a lot wrong with your behaviour overall.

I'm not condoning the affair, but at the same time I wouldn't be in a relationship that was essentially loveless for a decade. The position you are in at the moment is that you're expecting to continue having your lifestyle funded by your DH while not actually being in a marriage with him. Yes I know, in the eyes of the law you will still be married but you're not really and you know that. I'm not generally of the opinion that you only give to receive, but what is this marriage giving either of you apart from supporting you financially?!

Your DH has shown you in every way possible that things can't continue the way they are and you're seemingly fighting his every attempt to try to make things work. In your position I would be filing for divorce myself (well, would've done years ago tbh).

As for your DS, you are stifling him and not doing the best for him. You need to cut the apron strings. I rather suspect you are using him as a crutch to continue your set up as is, and that's not fair on anyone.

AppleOfMyEye10 · 07/05/2017 18:16

It's the husband that I have sympathy for. Off course you need to get off your lazy behind and contribute to the family. Your 15yo is pretty much independent and sitting waiting for him to get back from school is a pathetic excuse.

I don't blame him for seeing someone else. The one who benefits here is you. What exactly do you do the whole day???

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 07/05/2017 18:17

I'll make a prediction.

Your husband will leave you the day he is no longer responsible for child maintenance.

He won't lose anything really, oh he might lose half the house, but he'll soon make that back when he formalises a relationship with an equal partner. You however will be in a much smaller home, without cleaners and gardners and having to find a job to support yourself. It's your life, OP, that will change.

specialsubject · 07/05/2017 18:18

The husband did wrong by having the affair before the divorce - but if he has any sense the divorce is coming. The op is a kept woman without the usual other part of the bargain.

If she doesn't want sex, OK, but as this has not been mutually agreed as the way the marriage works then the marriage is over.

I hope the kid can learn that this is not a normal marriage.

robinsongyal · 07/05/2017 18:18

YABU! It's very upsetting that he had an affair but at the same time you two haven't been intimate for 10 years which must be very difficult! Also it seems like you could be relying on him too much financially which will put more strain on the relationship! I recon if you get a job (even a small part time one) it could get you feeling more confident and happy day-to-day!

MudCity · 07/05/2017 18:18

YABU. Of course it is sensible to review your outgoings and consider how you can make changes by working, cutting back with home-help or both. If you don't do this he will get very resentful (sounds like he is there already). How would you feel if the roles were reversed? What does your DH get out of this marriage? I am totally and utterly perplexed.

LadyLapsang · 07/05/2017 18:19

If you don't start divorce proceedings, I would suggest you consult a lawyer regarding what is likely to happen if you choose to do so in the future, although I think you are time bound in the case of adultery, after that I think yo are considered to have accepted it.

Bunbunbunny · 07/05/2017 18:20

Yabu, he should divorce you, in all seriousness why does he stay married to you?

PollyPelargonium52 · 07/05/2017 18:23

I may get flamed here but to my mind no sex means no relationship that is to say if the sex hasn't been forthcoming for a number of years.

Also if a woman refuses to get a job that is just pants in this day and age. It is not fair on the man to be the sole provider especially with the high cost of living and especially if children are e.g. secondary school age. No excuse at all if you ask me.

dailyshite · 07/05/2017 18:23

What do you both get out of your marriage?

TheweewitchRoz · 07/05/2017 18:24

I agree with expat (& everyone else saying it). Sorry it sounds harsh Op but you need to start thinking about your own future as at some point it's likely to change dramatically to your detriment.

Kokusai · 07/05/2017 18:27

I think this situation is crazy. You don't seem to like your DH at all OP, you just think he should work to enable you to live a life of leisure.

I can't see your marriage surviving TBH.

shyturnip · 07/05/2017 18:27

Another one saying it sounds as though he's getting his ducks in a row before leaving.

What is his relationship with your son like? Are they close?

Also, how on earth do you manage to keep your 15yo son under such tight control?! Has he ever tried to rebel?

This sounds like a very dysfunctional situation all round.

T1mum3 · 07/05/2017 18:32

OP I think you are getting a hard time on this thread.

From what you've said, your OH wanted you to quit what I'm guessing was a fulfilling professional role to take on all the management of the house, which you did. Leaving yourself now not very employable.

You've been his unpaid housekeeper/nanny for many, many years and now, I fear, he wants out of this relationship, and is asking you to take on a part time role that you don't want and which will make negligible difference to the household finances. I would really question his motives for this.

I doubt he will take on any of the household jobs if you do find employment.

In your position, I would see a lawyer to discuss strategies for divorce.

Original poster
AngelThursday · 07/05/2017 18:34

Some harsh comments here seeing as I was the one cheated on! He stopped asking for sex many years ago so I presumed he was happy with the arrangement.
Me staying home has enabled his career to progress.
Those of you who ask was me being a sahp agreed and discussed - yes it was. Thought I made that clear in one of my updates. I presumed that meant until DS left home and I see no reason to change that. Several of DS's peers mothers don't work and I have friends who stay home whose DC are all at university.
I am not lazy or boring. I manage a large house, cook balanced and nutritional meals from scratch, bake, walk the dog 4 days a week and paint in my spare time. I oversee any work in the house and ensure the household runs smoothly for OH and DS. Yes, I suppose I am quite privileged but like I said, my set up is not unusual amongst our friends. So I don't see why I should change when I am not the one who did wrong. If OH wasn't happy with the set up he should of said rather than seeking comfort elsewhere.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread