To not be prepared to make changes

[AngelThursday]

OH and I (really can't call him DH ATM as I'm still reeling from my discovery a few months ago that he'd been having an ongoing affair) are currently working on our marriage as a result of his 4 1/2 year infedilty. Which he blames incidentally on my lack of interest in sex and intimacy (we haven't slept together in ten years). I am really trying to work on my issues with intimacy and to be fair he is being v patient and understanding about this.
However as part of the process of reestablishing our relationship he is putting pressure on me to make some other changes. ATM I am a sahm to our 15 year old DS. I have some help in the house such as a cleaner who also does some ironing, a dog walker once a week while I'm at my hobby/course and a gardener. OH is suggesting that we either reduce the help or I get a parttime job.
I feel the current set up works well for our DS (OH works long and erratic hours) and that he is only asking to make a change because of recent events. Also, we really don't need a second income as he earns very highly.
I have discovered that the OW is a career woman with three DC and can't help feeling he is comparing me to her.
So I'm therefore inclined to dig my heels in and refuse to make the changes he requests - AIBU?

Sorry, OP, but if I was your husband I'd be out of there like a bat out of hell. Your son will be off to university in 3 years. I'm guessing that you'll receive your P45 the minute you drop him off at halls.

Just RTFT

Doesn't sound great. Not the kind of marriage I would aspire to 😐

But have to say that if the DH had an issue with lack if sex he should have raised and sought to resolve it like a grown up (assuming he didn't) rather than let it slide and then have an affair. Likewise it may have been convenient for the OP to believe he was 'happy with the arrangement' but doesnt seem very plausible.

I'm ambivalent about the work situation and it's unclear what is driving it. Perhaps ask him? Is it financial security or something else.

Ultimately, I think you have to remember this is his marriage too, not just yours. I'm not sure 'digging your heels in' because he been in the wrong has any room in a grown up discussion.

We haven't got the husband's side of things, but OP has said she thought he had accepted the sexlessness when he stopped asking. That implies he did try to talk about it but to no avail (and he probably worried about being seen as a sex pest if he carried on). I guess he should have ended his marriage then, but he wouldn't be the first parent who stayed for his child. And OP seems to have enjoyed her largely idle married life.

If she didn't like sex and didn't want it, and wouldn't accept it as an issue, I could forgive him for thinking she wouldn't actually care if he sought it elsewhere.