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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be prepared to make changes

504 replies

AngelThursday · 07/05/2017 16:19

OH and I (really can't call him DH ATM as I'm still reeling from my discovery a few months ago that he'd been having an ongoing affair) are currently working on our marriage as a result of his 4 1/2 year infedilty. Which he blames incidentally on my lack of interest in sex and intimacy (we haven't slept together in ten years). I am really trying to work on my issues with intimacy and to be fair he is being v patient and understanding about this.
However as part of the process of reestablishing our relationship he is putting pressure on me to make some other changes. ATM I am a sahm to our 15 year old DS. I have some help in the house such as a cleaner who also does some ironing, a dog walker once a week while I'm at my hobby/course and a gardener. OH is suggesting that we either reduce the help or I get a parttime job.
I feel the current set up works well for our DS (OH works long and erratic hours) and that he is only asking to make a change because of recent events. Also, we really don't need a second income as he earns very highly.
I have discovered that the OW is a career woman with three DC and can't help feeling he is comparing me to her.
So I'm therefore inclined to dig my heels in and refuse to make the changes he requests - AIBU?

OP posts:
LedaP · 07/05/2017 17:12

BUT he should have talked - not had an affair. 4 1/2 years!!!

And she should have talked too. If a woman posted that her dh hadnt had sex with her for 5 years and was not even trying to get help, people would say that she needed to ltb.

Adding all the other stuff the term cock lodger would have popped up by now

ifeelcraptonight · 07/05/2017 17:12

I'm not at all condoning the affair - I would have left, I wouldn't have had an affair.

He tried for a long time without an affair though, but that doesn't excuse the affair.

Silvercatowner · 07/05/2017 17:12

You know how people advise women who are in an unhappy relationship to lie low, don't rock the boat and quietly arrange all their ducks in a nice neat row? I think that is what your OH is doing. I'm not sure what he actually gets out of the relationship with you.

MiniCooperLover · 07/05/2017 17:14

OP I would start getting used to some changes because if your husband divorced you, then you would have to! What the hell do you do all day? Gym? Lunch? You have a pretty nice lifestyle at the moment but it feels to me it could all change pretty quickly. I wouldn't be so sure affair is over, that's a proper relationship in terms of length of time together, if I was your DH I'd be waiting until son was finished school and I'd be off. You need to join in and start doing things. Why was there no intimacy before the affair?

niangua · 07/05/2017 17:15

You haven't slept with him in ten years and you refuse to work OR do any jobs in the home? I take it divorce isn't an option as you seem quite content to just sit in his house, not even walking your own dog.

Oh, right, I see the other thread now. Your DS has never once been left alone and you wouldn't even leave him home ill.

Look, your marriage is honestly dysfunctional. I'm not condoning his affair but I can certainly understand why he's at the end of his tether. You refuse to work OR do any housework and the intimacy and love is clearly gone. Or, you simply give him permission to continue his affair. You're content with the cushy arrangement (you don't do anything, he works) so why can't he also be?

Either you split and actually learn what it's like to have to work and do something with your life other than paint once a week, or you actually start acting like an adult.

MargotLovedTom1 · 07/05/2017 17:15

Seriously? Are we to assume in 2017 that a wife putting out for her OH (who has messed her about) is mandatory?

Here doubleshot, let me rephrase that for you.

"Are we to assume in 2017 that a man and wife having a sexual relationship is normal?"

I don't blame the DH for having an affair, as shit as it is.

deste · 07/05/2017 17:16

I'm also wondering what you bring to the relationship apart from seeing to your son.

MatildaTheCat · 07/05/2017 17:16

I know plenty of women who don't work in paid roles, have help at home and have older DC. But...they have happy, negotiated marriages with roles that both sides have agreed to.

And I'm almost certain they have sex.

So your sort of set up isn't necessarily wrong but the maggot in the Apple is the fact that your marriage is unhappy and frankly your husband reacted to that in a very normal way. He could have walked out and done the bare minimum but he didn't. He still could.

So accept some responsibility and if he thinks you need to be working then probably you do.

LadyLapsang · 07/05/2017 17:16

OP, he's not suggested your DS boards for 6th form has he?

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 07/05/2017 17:16

YABVU. You say he is being very patient with you... it's been 10 years since you last had sex! And he waited roughly 6 years before having an affair.

He was absolutely wrong to have the affair; what he should have done was left you since the sex is obviously a deal breaker for him and it's been so long.

If he left, then what would you do, with no job and no income?

Starlight2345 · 07/05/2017 17:17

Thats what I think Silvercat.

I wouldn't be getting a job right now but would be looking at educating myself so I can get a decent job to support myself.. I would also walk the dog myself ..I can see no reaons why a SAHP to a 15 year old shouldn't find an hour to walk the dog.

What do you do all day op?

ElspethFlashman · 07/05/2017 17:18

I think they have DTD since all this came out.

BeyondStrongAndStable · 07/05/2017 17:19

"he waited roughly 6 years before having an affair"

We don't know this, only that this affair lasted 4.5 years. Maybe he did wait, but maybe he had a series of affairs in the first 6.5 years. We don't know.

reawakeningambition · 07/05/2017 17:19

Why did the intimacy stop in the first place?

I have a lot of sympathy for you but I think you need to find something you care about and can usefully do outside the home.

I slipped into doing less and less a few years back. It's a bit like you lose control of your own life. I found my own way to get my groove back and you can too.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 07/05/2017 17:21

BeyondStrongAndStable Yes, that's true. I was only going off the information presented.

reawakeningambition · 07/05/2017 17:22

What about your son?how is he doing? What does he want and how is relationship with the two of you?

BeyondStrongAndStable · 07/05/2017 17:24

Not just aimed at you what, a few people have said similar :)

elephantscansing · 07/05/2017 17:24

Hmm. You haven't slept with your dh in ten years.
You are a sahm to your 15 year old DS ... you have a cleaner who also does some ironing, a dog walker once a week ... and a gardener.

Bloody hell, OP, just what do you do with your life? You don't seem to be engaged with either your h or your home. Looks like you're happy for your h to pay for and fund your entire life while you swan around and don't even want to have sex with him. No wonder he had an affair - and I don't say that lightly!!

Why not split up? Perhaps you could do with supporting yourself and working for a change.

notapizzaeater · 07/05/2017 17:28

Presume this is the poster who wanted her DH to work from home to look after a poorly 15yr old.

Other than lifestyle I fail to see what you actually get from this relationship. Yiu obv checked out years ago. Do you want a relationship with your DH ? Does he want one with you ?

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 07/05/2017 17:32

BeyondStrongAndStable No worries; you make a valid point Smile

Original poster
AngelThursday · 07/05/2017 17:32

Edmundclevercloggs - what's wrong with having posted before? The threads were similar but not the same?
Ladylapsang - from what I've found out OW's DC are older/left home/uni but according to OH she always worked (he says this like it's something to be admired) and her DC brought up by nannies etc something he was adamant he didn't want for our DS hence me staying home, at his request. He also likes that I am able to take DS to school and has never wanted him to struggle getting there, even now that he is older as the school day is long what with extracurricular activities and clubs.

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 07/05/2017 17:34

I strongly suspect the DH just doesn't want to break up the 15 yr olds home.

Or live apart from his only child.

I also suspect he was in love with the mistress and the minute the son moves out, so will he.

PaulDacresFeministConscience · 07/05/2017 17:34

I remember OP's last thread.

Her DS is 15 and has never been left home alone - or travelled back from school without a parent (no SEN).
Her H is a high earner who can occasionally WFH. OP was unhappy because her DS was ill (feeling sick rather than hospitalised) and her DH would not WFH at short notice to facilitate her going to her hobby.
OP has intimacy issues and feels it unlikely and unnecessary to re-initiate a sexual relationship with her H. However she does not want a separation or a divorce.
OP has plenty of help for day-to-day household tasks/chores, but is refusing to look for PT work despite her H asking her.

OP I will say exactly what I said last time, which is that you need to cut the apron strings for your DS because you are doing him no favours at all. You aren't doing what is "best" for him - you are indulging your own desire to keep him young and at home for as long as possible. At best it's selfish, at worst you are actively holding him back and restricting his development.

You also seem convinced that your marriage should work for the benefit of you only and that your H's wishes and feelings carry no weight at all. He shouldn't have had an affair. But with no sex or intimacy for a decade and being treated as if his only place is to earn the money to facilitate a very comfortable lifestyle for you, along with your steadfast refusal to do or even entertain any sort of compromise...It's not altogether surprising that he's unhappy.

You sound like you want to have your cake, eat it and make a trifle out of it.

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 07/05/2017 17:35

Erm, bringing up DC whilst at the same time holding down a job is something to be admired!

Firstwomanonthemoon · 07/05/2017 17:35

I would wonder if he was planning on leaving you? Maybe he wants to reduce future payments, maybe be he would just like to have some of your own income. I only work part time and have all of the services you outline above but DH and I have agreed this is best for our family, it was a team decision. I would listen carefully if he is telling you that he isn't happy or that you don't have the income for your families lifestyle.