To not be prepared to make changes

[AngelThursday]

OH and I (really can't call him DH ATM as I'm still reeling from my discovery a few months ago that he'd been having an ongoing affair) are currently working on our marriage as a result of his 4 1/2 year infedilty. Which he blames incidentally on my lack of interest in sex and intimacy (we haven't slept together in ten years). I am really trying to work on my issues with intimacy and to be fair he is being v patient and understanding about this.
However as part of the process of reestablishing our relationship he is putting pressure on me to make some other changes. ATM I am a sahm to our 15 year old DS. I have some help in the house such as a cleaner who also does some ironing, a dog walker once a week while I'm at my hobby/course and a gardener. OH is suggesting that we either reduce the help or I get a parttime job.
I feel the current set up works well for our DS (OH works long and erratic hours) and that he is only asking to make a change because of recent events. Also, we really don't need a second income as he earns very highly.
I have discovered that the OW is a career woman with three DC and can't help feeling he is comparing me to her.
So I'm therefore inclined to dig my heels in and refuse to make the changes he requests - AIBU?

Leda, you are clearly misunderstanding what I said, whether deliberately or not. I stated an opinion on spousal maintenance and why I thought it needed considering in divorce. I clearly stated more than once this was a general statement not specific to the ops situation, and and also I agreed she had some responsibility to making changes in her situation as it stands now. I very much doubt the majority of ppl who take significant career breaks to look after children end up in the same financial situation at the end of their career as they would have if they had not taken a break. You continuing to say it doesn't apply to OP does not change my opinion of this. I have no idea why you keep going on about this and don't see why I need to repeat myself. It is also irrelevant what you have done with your life. You do seem to think it is easy to step back into a previous career, at the same level, after taking (mutually agreed) time off to care for young children. I personally know that this is not always the case.

I dont keep going on. I keep responding to you. Like you keep responding to me.

What happens to sahms in general doesnt apply to everyone. Or the OP.

Wow, this thread is still going?? The OP hasn't been back since the first day and there are 20 pages!

Leda, I offered my general opinion, followed by one specific to the OP, you told me I'm wrong. Ok, I get it, give it a rest.
What happens to sahms in general doesnt apply to everyone. Or the OP. yeah, state the obvious. I'm not completely thick, but I'm beginning to feel like you're a bit 'hard of understanding' where other people's differing opinions are concerned. I've stated my opinion, you don't need to keep responding to tell me I'm wrong. I didn't say you were wrong, I gave a general circumstance in which I felt spousal maintenance needed to be considered.

There is no condoning of an affair, but I really hope your husband moves out so he can find love. How sad that you've been in this marriage for so long.

I am receiving help for my intimacy issues but am finding it v hard to trust OH. 4 1/2 years is a long long time ...

What was the cause of the intimacy issues in the years before his infidelity?

Surprised that an average 15 year old (presumably private school) living an hour away from school (so 2 hours for him and 4 for the driver) with lots of after school sports/prep/music lessons isn't demanding his parents let him board. Or his parents insisting. And the dog is also a surprise. OP walks him 4 days a week, he has a dogwalker for the other one ... so do husband/son do the other two?

I have some sympathy for rich SAHMs with mostly absent OHs who have large houses, grounds and are also expected to do a lot of entertaining Fri/Sun with 6 bedrooms to change etc - I can see why they'd love a cleaner/gardener. OP doesn't mention entertaining as part of her duties though she cooks from scratch for 2 or 3. And most rich SAHMs do a bit more for the community than paint. If OP is a reincarnation of Gwen John I take this all back.

It's a round trip of about an hour each time, so two hours per day.

Extracurricular activities and clubs appear to be based in school, not all over the place, so no afternoon schlepping to and fro is involved.

It seems to me that the OP could get a job and still pick up the DS, given his long days at school. Maybe she could look for a job near the school.

Or as the H is the one suggesting the change mathanxiety perhaps he could change his hours to allow the OP to take a better paid full time role in another location and do the pick ups and drop offs himself.

He is after all the one who has had the career benefit of not having to worry about any of these things himself for the last 16 years and as it seems likely that he's going to leave the OP as soon as the DS has left home, then the least he can do is give her the opportunity to properly forge ahead with getting a career in the few years between now and then.

I wouldn't change the bed covers in the rooms that weren't slept in. (Unless someone was coming to stay and sleeping in that room)

No way, that's a total waste.

He has suggested she get a job. She feels she should dig her heels in and refuse. The idea of him rearranging his hours is moot as long as she has that thought.

However, it strikes me that if she were to get herself a full time M-F job it would suddenly become clear to both of them that a 15 yo boy is capable of getting himself home and taking care of himself for an hour or so until the OP or her H get home, without setting fire to the house.

Math is right. If she is even unwilling to consider changing....whats the point in discussing changing hours.

Or she could just do more round the home. He hasn't demanded she find full time work. He has said needs to work or do more around the house.

I'm not commenting on the fact you're obviously wealthy, privileged lifestyle etc. But I do know that he had an affair as something at home wasn't right, he's at fault yes, but it's the responsibility of both of you to make it right or you split. It's a harsh reality but to make a marriage work it takes effort from both parties, even when one messed up.

You're the cheated on party but if you want to save your marriage you need to be honest and realistic and get off your moral high ground as soon as possible. Counselling for you and as s couple may help. You need to make the marriage nice to be in.

I say this as someone who was cheated on and as someone who worked hard to save the marriage. It's better than it's ever been, 10 years on. Our marriage is fun and loving and we respect each other.

Good luck!

OP has commented that the school is very hard to get to by public transport. Now we don't know what that means - there may be an infrequent bus with a bit of walking, or there may in fact be no sensible way of getting there until the DS is able to drive.

I do think some of us seem to be viewing this in a one dimensional fashion. OP should be working therefore her DS can get to and from school using public transport ( although we have no way of knowing this is true) or should want to board because apparently that's what all teens want.

I don't particularly warm to the OP either, but there have been faults on both sides and I rather suspect the DH's job/ do your own cleaning prompting are generated more by a desire to pay less maintenance and promptings from the OW, than wanting the OP to achieve self-actualisation which is how it's been characterised here.

The set up of OP doing all childcare related responsibilities and if not doing, then managing the home ones, has likely been beneficial for both sides during the last 16 years.

Sure as DCs get older it's right and proper to review these arrangements, but also acknowledge that the non-working partner has given up 16 years of their career and therefore their job prospects will be somewhat limited. I don't blame the OP for not wanting to work for minimum wage in a supermarket whilst her DH pulls in presumably a six figure salary.

OP has commented that the school is very hard to get to by public transport. Now we don't know what that means - there may be an infrequent bus with a bit of walking, or there may in fact be no sensible way of getting there until the DS is able to drive.

He's 15. They have a lot of cash. He could get a taxi.

Yes he could get a taxi Kokusai. But then would it make any economic sense for her to work - rural location taxi 2x per day versus minimum wage job ? As you say, they have a lot of cash anyway. Why does she suddenly need to generate more or spend less?

Because she's not making an equal contribution (such a contribution doesn't have to be salaried) and her marriage is on the rocks as a result.

People do manage to get jobs and do the school run and kids manage awkward bus journeys but even without that it doesn't seem unreasonable to expect her to do housework.

But if he earns above a certain income, it does seem a bit petty to expect her to do the housework, when they've had a cleaner for years, just because in principle she could find the time to do it.

I'm not saying that her life isn't vacuous and could do with a bit of purpose, but say he earns £250k, begrudging the £50 per week for a cleaner seems more like him or the OW wanting to punish her a bit, than genuine economic necessity.

I don't know why I'm so invested in this thread, I don't even particularly like the sound of the OP much myself. But I think it stems from the fact that very few people want to say that the OP should address her sexual issues and not sleeping with her DH for 10 years seems like more of a marriage breaker than not getting a job and having a cleaner when the DH can clearly afford both of those things.

It's not petty. He wants a gesture to show that she views him as something more than just a walking cashpoint. At the moment, he's had no intimacy for ten years, and he appears to work so that OP can be a lady of leisure while he pays for someone else to do more or less everything around the house. It's not a partnership. He must be feeling incredibly used (because he is).

It's pretty telling that so many people have been sympathetic to his affair when unfaithful partners usually get torn a new version of every orifice they've got.

It doesn't sound like he's trying to punish the OP or begrudge her anything. It sounds like he ended up having a prolonged affair because his wife had no interest in him beyond his money, and he felt unwanted and unloved. If she would do SOMETHING other than just take his money and cook, something to show she's putting in just a little bit more time and effort, it would probably make a huge amount of difference.

Never mind a taxi. He could get a bike.

I agree with Yorick. It's the gesture that this man wants. A gesture of good faith. The OP could get a part time job and still schlep the DS to and from school.

I think this H wants to stay married and the OP despises him for that. I suspect she has despised him for a long time. Perhaps this is an element in her intimacy issues - she prefers power to the equality that is implied in intimacy? Now she has a reason to be openly contemptuous to him.

I also agree with BadToTheBone. Occupation of the moral high ground only makes the relationship nasty. The H doesn't have to stick around to have that thrown in his face for ever more.

Everything the OP has posted here about her H constitutes a list of unreasonable behaviour on his part and on hers for the purposes of divorce. She is trying to gauge whether her position as a sahm of a 15 yo who does almost nothing around the home and hasn't had sex with her H in ten years might negate his affair. She emphasises that 4.5 years is a long time.

www.divorce-online.co.uk/DOL-Forum/threads/unreasonable-behaviour-examples.3028/
Here's a list of examples of unreasonable behaviour;

'The Respondent has been violent towards the Petitioner.
The Respondent has threatened the Petitioner with physical violence or has been physically abusive.
The Respondent has been verbally abusive towards the Petitioner.
The Respondent drinks to excess, and when he is under the influence of alcohol he behaves in an unreasonable and aggressive manner.
The Respondent is financially irresponsible, and has failed to maintain the Petitioner and/or the children properly during the marriage.
During the marriage the Respondent has gambled to excess and has, on numerous occasions, caused considerable distress to the Petitioner by running up large gambling debts and dissipating the family’s savings.
The Respondent has formed an improper relationship with a woman whose identity is unknown.
The Respondent refuses to discuss the issues within the marriage with the Petitioner.
The Respondent does not want to engage in any sexual or physical relations with the Petitioner.
The Respondent shows no interest in socialising with the Petitioner and prefers to socialise alone with friends.
The Respondent refuses to try and resolve the issues and continues to behave in an unreasonable manner.'

This thread is like His 'n' Hers checklists.