Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be prepared to make changes

504 replies

AngelThursday · 07/05/2017 16:19

OH and I (really can't call him DH ATM as I'm still reeling from my discovery a few months ago that he'd been having an ongoing affair) are currently working on our marriage as a result of his 4 1/2 year infedilty. Which he blames incidentally on my lack of interest in sex and intimacy (we haven't slept together in ten years). I am really trying to work on my issues with intimacy and to be fair he is being v patient and understanding about this.
However as part of the process of reestablishing our relationship he is putting pressure on me to make some other changes. ATM I am a sahm to our 15 year old DS. I have some help in the house such as a cleaner who also does some ironing, a dog walker once a week while I'm at my hobby/course and a gardener. OH is suggesting that we either reduce the help or I get a parttime job.
I feel the current set up works well for our DS (OH works long and erratic hours) and that he is only asking to make a change because of recent events. Also, we really don't need a second income as he earns very highly.
I have discovered that the OW is a career woman with three DC and can't help feeling he is comparing me to her.
So I'm therefore inclined to dig my heels in and refuse to make the changes he requests - AIBU?

OP posts:
PookieDo · 07/05/2017 16:58

I agree it's likely he is probably going to leave you. Just that sitting tight and holding out for spousal support might not work out well for you once your son leaves home. You really could end up in a bad situation so now is the time to take control of your own life

Allthebestnamesareused · 07/05/2017 16:59

And why should a man be expected to financially support an able bodied woman of working age?

Because in this country the courts will recognise that giving up work to run a home and care for school age children does carry some financial benefit to the WP and that the longer the SAHP is out of the workforce the harder it is to go back in at the level they may have reached had they not stayed at home.

PhyllisNights · 07/05/2017 16:59

If you don't need to work, then don't do it. He's had an affair? He should be grovelling at your feet, not asking you to make changes.

Magpiemagpie · 07/05/2017 16:59

Your husband probably wants you back at work so that when he divorces you he won't have to pay you spousal support

And honestly 10 years - no sex I'm not at all surprised he's been having an affair
What did you honestly expect

EdmundCleverClogs · 07/05/2017 17:00

Something just doesnt seem right with this thread

As I previously said, I'm sure I've seen pretty much the exact post before on here. I wonder if the OP is hoping for a different answer this time...

LadyLapsang · 07/05/2017 17:01

As happy says, I would be suspicious he is encouraging you to get a job or reduce the people you employ now to reduce how much he will have to pay when he wants to separate / divorce, perhaps when your DS goes to university. Perhaps do some voluntary work. For those of us balancing work, children, housework, perhaps elderly care, with no outside help, your position looks pretty pampered. Is the OW married, or a single parent?

ifeelcraptonight · 07/05/2017 17:01

At the point of the affair beginning, you hadn't slept with him for five and a half years, is that right?

LedaP · 07/05/2017 17:04

allthebest no court in the UK would expect her to never get a job and him pay for her home, cleaner, dog walker and gardener for the rest of her life.

Unless he has millions she is unlikely to get enough to live like this forever.

FizzyGreenWater · 07/05/2017 17:04

I honestly think that if I was in your position I would file for divorce now from a position of being SAHP before your son is of age, and use the settlement to get back on my feet properly, and then find a job etc.

No idea whether that is actually a viable sugggestion financially, not knowing your situation in detail.

But - I think a. a 4+ year affair isn't an affiar, it's another relationship; b. I agree with others that this may not be as simple as it seems and he may be trying to sort out the home situation so he is not eligible for spousal support and c. I can't see any reason why he would have ended his relationship unless she wanted to - so again I would be wary.

Do you REALLY want to try again with him?

Longer term I think you need a job, a purpose, for yourself more than anything else. What happens when your DS leaves home? What happens if your H eventually leaves?

Iamastonished · 07/05/2017 17:04

Is this a made up thread? Surely no-one thinks it is OK to live like this and expect their partner to be happy with this set up.

I don't condone affairs, but I don't think it is realistic to expect a red blooded man to be happy with remaining celibate for 10 years.

Bluetrews25 · 07/05/2017 17:04

As regards your DS - school is 'hard to get to' by public transport - not impossible, though? Let him have a bit of life and get the bus! Think this is a very lame excuse for not working. Is he not hideously embarrassed that mummy drops him off and picks him up?
Look at it another way - going out to work will make you a more interesting person, that your husband might actually want to stay with.....assuming you would regard that as a good thing? And it will make you feel better, as a person in your own right, who can achieve and do things.
Not condoning the affair.
Do you give anything to the relationship?

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 07/05/2017 17:05

OH/DH/whatever..... he's not half of anything in this relationship is he OP?

He's simply 100% a wallet on legs.

I can understand him being resentful of your lack of contribution and lack of affection.

A marriage involves give and take, but that doesn't mean that one gives and the other takes.

FizzyGreenWater · 07/05/2017 17:06

It really does depend in a way whether he does actually have millions!

Whether OP is perceptibly disengaged and, to him, doesn't 'pull her weight' either in practical or relationship terms OR whether he's literally some high-flying millionaire she hardly sees, off on private jets while she rattles round the house basically ignored.

It's hard to tell from OPs posts, it's a strange situation.

BUT he should have talked - not had an affair. 4 1/2 years!!!

NapQueen · 07/05/2017 17:06

Are you the OP who tried to demand he stay at home with ds when he was off school poorly one day as ds has never been left alone or gone anywhere alone?

shyturnip · 07/05/2017 17:08

Second a pp's suggestion to read op's other posts...

Adnerb95 · 07/05/2017 17:08

OP - you say that 4.5 years "is a long, long time" for the affair which of course it is! And no-one her is condoning that but ...

10 years with no sex is DOUBLE that long, long time.

I think your OH perhaps feels that some more involvement and stimulus outside the home would result in a happier you and maybe, just maybe someone who realises that they are either need to start contributing to this relationship or find another path in life ...

WTH do you do all day?

Brittbugs80 · 07/05/2017 17:08

OP also posted this back in February. I take it nothing has been resolved?

Are you the same lady who posted that your DH was unreasonable for not taking a day off work/work from home because your son was sick and you had a prior commitment?

Maybe look at getting a part time job? Get your own money and increase your confidence.

If you're finding it hard following his affair, maybe you need to think about parting ways before the lack of trust turns into more anger and slowly into hate?

Adnerb95 · 07/05/2017 17:09

Don't know how "her" crept in there!

EdmundCleverClogs · 07/05/2017 17:09

NapQueen, oh yes, if it's the same OP this poor 15 year old is never going to be cut from mummy's apron strings.

ifeelcraptonight · 07/05/2017 17:10

I have been in a long relationship where I didn't want intimacy. The relationship as anything more than housemates was gone by that stage. it's the sexual attraction that tips it into wanting to have a relationship rather than a friendship, for me. I would struggle, now, to go 10 days without sex with boyfriendypartner, because I think he is sexy as fuck and I want to jump his bones.

It's not a relationship without sex. And I don't know that I could have waited five and a half years without it before checking out of the marriage (I would have left though not had an affair)

BorisJohnsonsHair · 07/05/2017 17:10

I didn't work for the first 11 years of my DS's life. It worked for us because my DH also works away a lot, and it provided stability for DS and DD, and I liked to think they were being looked after by me.

However, it wasn't without its problems. I became quite insular and, looking back, probably depressed. Although DH and I were quite happy, I always felt a bit of a drudge, albeit that it was for the right reasons.

When DS started senior school, I got a part-time job (12 hours a week). I did this for about a year, then got a different job which is much more flexible. The first year did involve a bit of juggling, but it has done wonders for me as a person.

The first day in my new job, I was walking through the city thinking "I'm back to normal!" I was no longer just mum and wife, but myself again.

I've lost weight, become interested in so many more things and have new friends. DH has noticed that I've become so much more confident in myself and seems to have far more respect for me (not that he didn't always, just more).

I think when you don't have much except your family in your life, your world becomes very small and you probably become quite boring (I include myself in this).

So I think what he's suggested is a good idea - for both of you. It will give you a new focus and more to talk about. I would keep the home help and get yourself out there to work, I'm sure it will make a lot of difference.

I'm sure that forgiving him and moving on is terribly difficult, but if you've made the decision to do that then you just have to throw yourself into it whole-heartedly.

Good luck.

diddl · 07/05/2017 17:10

I'm shocked that he would have to pay spousal support tbh-just because Op hasn't gone back to work when she could have done iyswim.

PhyllisNights · 07/05/2017 17:10

Too many people in here are condoning the affair because the OP has issues with intimacy and lives a lifestyle that her husband has enabled. Baffling.

Dawnedlightly · 07/05/2017 17:11

Poor bloke. And poor mollycoddled son.

LagunaBubbles · 07/05/2017 17:11

Your issues run a but deeper than just intimacy I think. I don't condone your DHs affair in the slightest, 10 years without sex? Whatever help you are receiving it clearly isn't working and I would go back to your GP.